Summer 2014. How crazy it has been. I can't believe half of the stuff that happened in the past three months. It's been a whirlwind of emotions, a bunch of mini-adventures, and a lot of self-realizations.
A lot has happened this summer. I started off with a bumpy start. My loving grandfather passed away on May 4, 2014, the day before finals began. I had two days of finals and had to rush home without being able to say goodbye to everyone. The reality of his passing didn't kick in until after I got home and attended his funeral. It was one of the worst feelings I've ever experienced, to have someone so close to me pass away and not being able to be there during his last days, it's awful.
I came home with mixed feelings about everything. I didn't really get a chance to process my thoughts until about a week or two of being home. Once I did, I realized that I didn't know who I was anymore and what I wanted in life. I spent my whole life thinking I was going to do piano and all of it changed at the end of freshman year when I gave into reality, quit piano and moved on. It was a decision I didn't regret. But two years later, I still didn't and still don't know what direction my life is going in but I'm okay with that now.
With that being said, I reevaluated everything in my life. Once I did, I thought that I was done with one chapter of my life and thought that i should move on. Three months later, I realized that maybe I made a mistake, maybe I was letting other things cloud my judgement/decision. But like someone said, I need(ed) to make a decision that I could live with. Although now I feel as though I made a decision I can't live with, I want to try to do the right thing, own up to my mistake and just move on. Why? After talking to the other parties involved, I realized I basically fucked up and said some things I didn't even mean and really just caused a lot of pain. But it's too late to take any of that back and I feel as though I shouldn't even try because the effort will probably go to waste. I broke a trust that can never be fixed. No matter what I do, it will never be mended and it will never be the same. What can I do? I handled things poorly and immaturely. Sorry. Sorry I don't know what's going on in my own head. Sorry for not knowing how I feel. Sorry for becoming a different person.
Since I was dealing with closing one chapter of my life, I tried to distract myself in every way possible. I was barely home all summer because I was either working or playing. I really did work hard and played hard. I couldn't have asked for better coworkers this summer because they started as my coworkers but quickly became my dear friends. Without them, I wouldn't have been able to survive this summer. Thank you for distracting me from all the negativity and dilemmas I had. Thank you for listening to my troubles as well as my rants. Thank you for spending time with me when I needed it most. Thank you for going on mini-adventures with me and embracing the fattie lifestyle. Thank you for coming through for me when the ones I thought would did not. Thank you for making my 21st birthday a very special one. Last but not least, thank you for just being awesome and coming into my life. I've met a lot of different types of people this summer and I'm grateful to have met them. I've learned a lot from them about and couldn't thank them enough.
I learned a lot about feelings this summer. I've learned to stop sugarcoating things and just tell it like it is, just be brutally honest. I wish that I did that at the beginning of summer. If I did, maybe things would be different. But then again, if I did, maybe things would be even worse. Who knows? I realized that I want to stop asking, "What if...?" There's no point in dwelling in the past and wonder what could have been. It's better to accept reality and say "___ will happen. I'm going to do it" and not second-guess yourself like I always did.
The way I see it, life is a funny thing. It really is like a roller coaster and sometimes you get lemons thrown at you on the roller coaster. You can throw those lemons back and fight it head on, you can hold onto the lemons and think of way to use it so it's beneficial to you, or you can just throw the lemons away, move on and act like it never happened. But one thing to remember is that we are young. It is okay to make mistakes as long as you learn from it and don't make the mistake again. It's okay to be willing to make mistakes because again, we are young. Right now, we are young enough to fix those mistakes no matter how big. I'm not saying go fuck yourself over and get into deep shit. I merely saying don't be afraid to make a mistake and just think of it as a lesson learned. You can always pass the lesson onto others and help them in their time of need.
I will in this post with one final quote.
"Don't be afraid to make mistakes. Don't let anyone hold you back or make you question yourself because the moment you do, you're letting them win. Do what you think is best for you and only you. As long as you're happy, your true friends will also be happy. In the end, it's you against the world but know that no matter what, you will come out on top. If you fuck up, that's okay. Learn from it and just move on."
