Single, Married, Other

Exploring the path of courtship in Korea.

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Survival isn't a choice; it's an instinct.

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The Weight of the Wait

I just took a scroll through my entries from the last year. It seems like a lot of them are about waiting. In fact most of the people I know are waiting for something-- waiting to start school, finish school, start dating,  get married, have a baby, get a job, end a job, leave home, go back home, get a new this, finish an old that.... 

Since getting back to the states two months ago I've been waiting to get a job, vehicle, apartment, and see the fruition of all the wedding planning. Today Michael and I received two amazing fulfillments off that list in one day. He drove home in our new Sonata and I secured our new apartment (technically his for the next 45 days). Things are coming into place! ...but don't let that fool you-- there will ALWAYS be more to wait for.

I could be cynical and say that we humans are never satisfied. I could go on about how it's an epidemic, then a subsequent 5-step guide to how to stay in the present and how research shows it lowers stress and increases overall satisfaction with quality of life. I could.

Or I could invite you to explore this question with me: If we are enjoying the time leading up to exciting moments and milestones in life, is it still considered waiting? 

There are roughly one-thousand sixty-eight hours that crawl between my surname changing. I know from experience, having had great anticipation of different events through the years, that it will come and go before I know it. Sort of like a train seen from long in the distance. It looks as if it will never arrive; just a spec frozen on the horizon. Though it is actually approaching. The speed and magnitude multiply. As it rushes past me I wish I could reach out and slow it down with the sheer power of my will. I wish I could hold it forever.

Knowing the wedding will be only a brief moment in light of the rest of our lives spent together, I want to appreciate the days leading up to that moment. I want to praise God for the privilege of representing the church, His bride, in great anticipation of His return. The ultimate wedding feast, when every expectation is shattered in the absolute fulfillment of all His promises. 

Ok yeah that's beautiful, but let's be real-- Michael and I on separate ends of the room alone in the days leading up to our wedding.....the "anticipation" is so thick you'd need a freshly sharpened steak knife to get through it. I'm convinced this is all part of the plan, even when it's achingly difficult. We've honored one another through the weight of the wait, and the interest on delayed gratification??? I'll let you know in a month and a half ;) Until then I know God, the designer of all intimacy, designed it this way and He has yet to let me down!

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Little bud <3

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Reverse Culture Shock

I bought an iPhone today. It’s the first smart phone I’ve ever owned and the first real phone I’ve had in a year. I cried in the car on the way home. I turned the radio off and let the big drops of mixed emotions roll down my cheeks. It felt nice to have something real, something tangible reflect the internal – unrelenting—turbulence of this most recent transition back to the states.

 Will my life ever stop being so changeful—and even if so, would I be satisfied if it did? Unlikely. I’m convinced I would just find something else to complain about. For as long as I’m human and on earth I will be unsatisfied, aching for the ultimate wedding feast with my Jesus. 

All this GARBAGE is temporary, and I hate it! I hate the billboards and the TVs and the radios and the phones and the fashion and the “beauty” products and the fast food. I hate the noise. Yet I’m called to be IN the world despite being “of” it……ughhhhhh what does that even meeeeeeaannnnn? I don’t know if I can handle another year in the city.

I’ll find out soon enough. Michael and I wed in less than 3 months. 73 days to be exact, but hey who’s counting ;) We plan to move into a tiny apartment in Oak Park for a year, then maybe move south for grad school, but who knows? A lot can happen in a year. 

I’m so thrilled to marry the most handsome, godly, courageous, respectable, loving man in the whole world!!!!! Yeah….I’m twitterpated. Yes….I may roll my eyes a few years from now at the letters we’ve written to each other and the gushy things I say about him. But I don’t care. It’s where I am now and I will enjoy every second of theses feelings because underneath the infatuation is commitment and underneath the commitment is trust and underneath the trust is –unrelenting—joy.

So yeah it’s pretty crazy going through reverse culture shock while juggling wedding planning, job searching, car researching, apartment hunting and everything in-betweening, but I’d rather the uncertainty of adventure than the complacency of comfort.

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Transitions

I'm leaving soon and I don't want to. 

I'm going back to Chicago soon and I can't wait to get there.

Thus the beginning of my mixed emotions. I can't be in two places at once. I have to say goodbye before I can say hello again. Transitions are MESSY. There are so many unknowns. Yes, exciting of course, but as we all know, with every transition there is a thin line between excitement and stress.

I've been learning about the difference in living with a heart of expectancy instead of expectations. It will be interesting to find out how much I've changed in the past year since leaving America. And what about the transition from dating > engaged?!  

Many things on the horizon. I'm avoiding getting to far into the future for now. I need to stay present. I don't want to miss my last days in Korea. 

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Wonderstruck

I hope I never forget this day ever in my whole life. 

I wept over my computer at the seeming reality that my life after all, would be ordinary and dull, dissatisfying to any real dream or passion in my heart. I cried out to the Lord with little hope that I would ever rid the dreadful loneliness of disappointment I felt. He said he would show me, that he would walk me through the steps, but the words seemed nebulous; an echo of the new age gods of modern America. I didn’t grasp the power or relevancy of his promise, and I certainly didn’t expect an answer from him while those same tears of disappointment clung to my eyelashes. 

I sobbed some more, shoulders shaking while I tried to understand my new reality. The one in which I settle for the comforts of the world and forsake the wonder-craving ache of my soul. 

“It’s just not right,” I managed to say out loud. 

I had spent the last few weeks searching for countless hours for the right next step. As Michael and I continue forward on this path and plan to transition back to the states, the possibilities seem endless. We seemed to narrow down our search to a Christian grad school in a warmer climate where he can pursue Counseling and I, modern music. Turns out there is only one. Our endless possibilities turned finite rather quickly. Online I looked through pages and pages of beautifully furnished apartments in gated communities with amenities that would satisfy every creature comfort, not to mention plenty of well paying jobs I qualify for, but it just didn’t fit. Despite living in Florida for the better part of 10 years and enjoying all them I just couldn’t see us living there. They all looked like cheap imitations of what I really wanted. The only problem was that I didn’t know what it was I wanted—only what I didn’t want.

Reaching for another tissue Laura Story’s name popped into my mind. Laura is a singer/songwriter in her mid-30’s. She isn’t known for her beautiful vocals, but her powerful lyrics have been picked up by artists like Chris Tomlin (“Indescribable”) & Hillsong (“Mighty to Save”) and become very poplar. Since learning Laura’s….story I’ve wondered if God would use me like that, more as a songwriter than a performer.  The fact that she started later in life was also encouraging to me. 

Still crying I typed her name into my search engine, instead of waving off the seeming interruption to my prayer. I read her short bio and followed a link to her label INO Records. There I found a long list of Christian artists that I highly respected both for the quality of their music and character. During my Thursday music date nights I’ve been visiting labels’ websites, and they all say the same thing: Leave us alone. We don’t want to listen to your stinkin’ music. If we want you, we’ll find you. Have a great day!

This is the first time I’ve found someone actually inviting demos and provided details instructions on how to send them in. The most exciting part for me was finding an internship with the company as well. The fact that it was unpaid and located in Tennessee was of no consequence—I’d pay THEM for that kind of opportunity. The “how” is secondary to the “what”. 

I was pumped and had to get out some of my energy. I changed out of my pajamas and headed out the door for the first time in over 2 days. The sun had finished setting and the sky was that haze of melding indistinguishable colors. The air was crisp and cool and smelled of campfire.  I’ve never dared to climb the large hill/mountain just steps outside my door, but tonight it was fitting that I venture out and up.

Feeling the tingle and rush of exploring a new and quite possibly forbidden place, I came to the first peak. The brilliant glow of the full moon rising over the city struck me. It was at this point that I crossed over from hopeful excitement to utter wonder. There are few things, possibly none, that outweigh my joy at the happening upon the full moon and to catch it while it’s still low and rising is compelling in a way I cannot describe. By the time I had left my apartment my eyes were dry, but at this sight I could contain it no longer. I collapsed in worship and wept as God poured his lavish love over my thirsty heart. What may have looked like a handful of small coincidences to the outside world were life-changing events in my journey. I want this so bad God. I want this. I’ve never wanted anything more, I prayed in a hushed declaration over and over again.

Have you ever experienced one of those moments when you knew exactly what you wanted and you knew that it was exactly what God wanted too, and the audacity of ever hoping for such a thing was larger than you could fathom? AHHHHH!!!!! It’s such a rush that only faith can provide. The only other time I’ve experienced this was the night I discovered Teach For America. I hadn’t even applied, and Lord knows I hadn’t seen the acceptance to rejection ratio or the 5-tier interview process. I couldn’t sleep that night. Instead I stared up at the ceiling giggling and wiggling my feet at the dream of being a part of it. 

That is how I feel now— except less giggly and more wonderstruck at how God moves and how much he really does love me. 

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Emergency Room

Last week I had a one-night stand with my toilet. It was more of a crawl than a stand— intimate nonetheless.

  I picked up gastroenteritis (stomach virus) from one of my kids at work. It was miserable; severe nausea, vomiting, dehydration, dizziness, and diarrhea. When it got to the point of not being able to keep down even water my friends took me to the hospital.

  As a foreigner I already attract attention, but looking like death and clutching my garage bin as vomit insurance I turned more than a few heads in the emergency room. I was scared. I’ve not really been hospitalized before and I didn’t know what to expect in Korea. Michael tried to come to me, but he got stuck in Seoul with holiday traffic, and after 2 hours had only gone a few miles.

  I was handed a set of hospital clothes to change into and sent to an open room with about 6 other occupied beds. Anna and Katie pulled the curtain around me so I could change, which I had some trouble with because I felt so weak and light-headed. Then a young doctor/nurse came to examine me. He lifted my shirt a little to check around my abdomen, but I kept pushing his hand away because I felt uncomfortable. Poor guy, he probably felt uncomfortable too. As hard as it is for me not to understand the language, Koreans seem very ashamed when they cannot speak English as well as they would like.

  Later someone came to put in my IV. I closed my eyes and asked the girls to tell me a story while they tied off my arm. I think I remember something about a broken leg…? (Note to self: specify “happy” story in the future.) I tried to block out accounts my mom, a phlebotomist, has told me about people getting stuck over and over trying to find a good vein. This is the only time in my life I’ve ever been relieved that my skin is clear and my blue veins are close to the surface.

  Every fluid in my body had been expelled by this time so they left me to hydrate for a while through the IV. My thirst was so fierce that I was fantasizing about ice chips. Instead I got a pouch that looked like a Capri Sun and tasted like a thick strawberry chalkshake.

Anna insisted I chug it.

I sipped.

I insisted I was done.

She squeezed the rest of it into my mouth.

  At some point they injected medicine into my IV. About 15 minutes later I became the incredible hulk and wanted to rip my tubes out and run out into the below zero parking lot. It was the strangest thing. I became restless, frustrated, and angry. The only thing that I could focus on to console me is, that I knew it would be over soon. While I could NOT escape it mentally, I was at least able to keep from yelling at my friends until it passed.

  After a couple hours I couldn’t take it anymore and I no longer felt nauseous so I asked if I could leave. They seemed to take forever, but eventually did come back with some medication for me to take throughout the next week. I realized I was a lot worse than I thought as I tried to change back into my clothes. By this time I was very faint and felt like I was going to pass out when I stood up, but I had to get out of there.

  Anna and Katie got me home and dropped off some soup, crackers, and powerade for the next day. I woke up one more time in the middle of the night to re-live the strawberry chalkshake, but the worst was behind me. Fortunately there is no school this week so I’ve been able to take it easy without any pressure, and get back to normal.

  The big take-away: I felt so loved and cared for that night. God is faithful through, not despite, the painful, scary, inconvenient times in my life. And well I’m so grateful it is over, I would take it back for a million won.

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Michael's 30th

I threw a small Italian-inspired birthday party for my bud. It was a surprise. He was surprised.

We had homemade pizza & italian soda, Greek salad, fresh bread & brie, and we couldn't forget the green olives and red wine. Quite the commodity in Korea. My mouth was SOOOOO happy!!!

This is Anna not to be confused with Anna who made the Italian soda and was the photographer for most the night. You never know who's life you're just waiting to exist in. I'm real glad I exist these ladies's life <3

Carrot cake from scratch. Not sure that there's any shred of evidence that can link that to mediterranean anything, but it was delicious! 

Our friends Kelly and Young-Ho who I stayed with my first month in Korea. There are not enough words to describe what a Godsend this couple has been in my life. They are the best examples of grace and humility that I've ever experienced....and tons of fun too :D

Yeah.

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Koristmas

  Met some new buds on Christmas.

Made my first roast anything and didn't fail. Many firsts on this side of the world.

It didn't feel like Christmas at all, but it was nice to be able to get together with everyone and have people over to my place for the first time. 

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One Year.

Quite the array at a very nice Japanese restaurant in Seoul.

If you have an adventurous palette this is the place to go.

I love this man as much as I know how. He makes it easy to.

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Japan Visa Run Photos

Sunrise from my hotel room in Fukuoka, Japan.

Standing on the beach, quick shot of the hotel I stayed in. It looks like a ship from aerial view.

My promise ring reminiscing where it was formed. 

Revelation during my quiet time. New look at Matthew 19:26

  My own personal cappuccino machine in my room! Not generally a coffee drinker, but I had to take advantage of this. May have had something to do with the clarity in which I heard God that morning :P

Room service for the first time ever! I was nervous because I didn't know what to do when it was delivered so I pretended to be in the shower, but they wouldn't leave it without my signature so the poor guy was waiting for probably 15 minutes for me....oops! Cost easily 3 times what it would in the states, but so worth it.

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Michael's running club (Seoul Flyers) End-of-the-Year banquet. I won a running shirt. He did too, but mine is cooler.

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The girls only photo from our American Thanksgiving get-together in Korea. Football, food, so much food, thankfulness, games and more fun than I can remember <3

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Short & Long-overdue

Right before Thanksgiving my work visa was approved.

I was booked less than 48 hours later to fly to Fukuoka, Japan, and I was scared about traveling to a new country by myself.

I got threatened/scolded in the airport immigration while trying to leave Korea for being in the country a month illegally and very confused looks while trying to enter in Japan. It worked out-- though I wouldn't recommend pushing the 90 tourist visa limit. There were tears.

I arrived. Discovered Japan is really expensive. Ate a cheap triangle shaped portion of rice from a quickie-mart for lunch and the most expensive, most delicious, sushi of my life for dinner.

I stayed in the nicest hotel on the coast of the island where God whispered revelation and love into my heart when I was all alone. 

There were setbacks. My visa took longer then expected and I had to book another night at the hotel and reschedule my flight. I was very sad, but then I wasn't sad at all and felt incredibly empowered by this opportunity to trust God. Fortunately my accommodations and flight were covered by my school. 

I arrived safely back to Seoul creeping into my apartment a little past midnight and started work the next day. 

The stress and new germs must have been too much, because just a couple days after starting work I had to call in sick. Very humbling.

Went to get my Alien Registration Card (ARC) so I could get a bank, paycheck, cell phone, and other essentials and found out they had given me the wrong visa in Japan. Much anticipation and lots of words that I didn't understand and later it was corrected.

Had 2 and a 1/2 weeks of work and then 3 weeks off for winter break. I couldn't afford to go anywhere since I was living 5 months with basically no income and had eaten through most of my savings.

One year anniversary, Christmas, New Year's and Michael's 30th birthday all within 2 weeks of each other. Lots of planning, lots of presents, lot of love ;)

Back to work. Caught what I've decided was bronchitis one week in. Had to take another 2 days off. Went to the doctor for the first time. Very quick, cheap, and simple. (Literally less than $10 and 10 minutes for doctor's visit and medicine). Now I understand why Koreans go to the hospital all the time. 

Pictures to follow!

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Sitting on the Dock of the Wait

Jesus what do you want me to say? I write words that only few people will read, but you speak words into the core of the soul that can and will change the direction of our eternity. Your words brought me here, to South Korea. The world seems so much smaller now. 

God I feel so much peace from you right here in this moment. And when this moment passes I believe that still I will know your peace, even when I cannot feel it. When I wake up tomorrow to day 12 of having my tourist visa expired, and day 47 of waiting to start this job, and day 104 of being in the most foreign territory of my life, not only in soil, but in soul. Because tomorrow, if I wake up at all, I will wake up to day 5 of trusting you, of walking in your power and freedom, of joy that brings tears to my eyes. 

I don't know how or why I so easily forget how wonderful you are, but I'm going to choose worship your good instead of my bad right now. For example Wednesday, when I knew I had to express the pain and sin I had against Michael; all the little and big hurts I had shoved down deep into my silence over those 104 days that had mutated into bitterness and unbearable pain. All the lies told me not do it-- that it was selfish and destructive to let these feelings out. The lies promised I would be punished. But Jesus, my hero, said, "Follow me, I will walk you through this hate. You don't have to go alone. I'm not afraid of your ugly." 

At dinner that night it was hard to not to burst into tears of joy while I watched God gently orchestrate his plan through Michael and I. His plan to display his glory and his love through imperfect, redeemed children. It's unbelievable how much love and acceptance Michael gave me as I told him all the things I felt doubtless would make him pull away from me. As I worshipped God in my heart I heard Him speaking this over me, "Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight."

A command and promise that have become my close companions as I continue further into the unknown territory of this man's heart intersecting with mine.

*On the way home from bud's marathon. So proud of him :) 

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Always

It is very easy to get a teaching job in South Korea.

Lots of people come over to work their butts off at a hogwon (private English school) and make a good bit of money. The only problem is every time I even looked at the job openings I knew I wasn't trusting God to provide because He told me over and over to wait on him.  After a month of waiting and praying God opened the doors to nanny for a family from our church. I was very grateful to take the job. The only problem was it didn't feel like I had arrived at what God had in store. Sure enough a week into the new transition I found out the previous nanny would be returning and while this family was extremely generous in allowing me to stay until I figured things out, I would be need to find a new job and home as soon as possible.  

I decided to take a week to just seek intimacy with God. Not to ask him about what he wanted me to do, where he wanted me to go, or anything about the future-- just seek his heart. It was in this week I heard about a sub position at an international school a couple blocks from where I'm staying. I applied but did not get the position....instead I was offered an even better one.  Not very many people know this, but a couple years ago I had a deep desire to love people that could not love me back; who could not give me praise or affirmation. God showed me this picture of caring for people in another country with my hands. Babies. I skimmed through probably over 50 orphanages overseas, but nothing seemed to fit. Eventually I gave up on the search and thought maybe it wasn't the right time.  The job I was offered has the same benefits and pay as the sub and pretty darn close to a full-time teacher, but I won't be teaching. I will be with the babies (0-2yrs) :) And to top it off, normally they don't provide housing for this position, but for me they're making an exception and giving me an apartment on campus for a very affordable price.  There were 6 other people going for this position and I didn't know if I was going to get it. I've found out as I've started sharing with people that everyone knows about this private Christian international school and it is VERY hard to get in to. The staff is filled with people with lots of experience and have ivy league school degrees. But as always God has provided in his perfect timing things I could never achieve on my own. I found out I got the job on the same day the previous nanny returned-- which happened to be my birthday back in the states.

He never fails, never disappoints, always, always, always amazes me.

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If You Want, You Can

"Lord, if you want, you can heal me", the man says kneeling before Jesus.

Jesus reaches out to the leper whose stench is repulsive from even 100 feet away and whose skin is covered with open oozing sores. He touches him saying, "I want. Be clean." [Matthew 8:2-3]

This is the king I serve. This is the father that holds me.

http://www.blueletterbible.org/audio_video/asxgen/?AuthorID=12&commInfo=41&GroupID=40&ID=7015&t=a

UPDATE: I had my first interview in over two and half years yesterday. I'm applying for a full-time substitute position or an early learning center teacher (essentially a nursery worker :]) at an international Christian school just a few blocks from where I'm staying. The headmaster said I interviewed well, but there are still more applicants to review; 6 in all I believe. I would feel very blessed to get the job, so I'm hoping it works out.

Also I might add, I have discovered I am a religious relational pharisee. Through various books, sermons, conversations, and observations I've collected a very good idea of what a healthy loving relationship should look like externally. Unconsciously I have been going through the motions and manipulating everything I possibly could  to try and get it to work "right". I've put expectations on Michael that only God can bear and I've worked to love him more only so he would love me more.

This, for the record, is not love.

My prayer now is that I trust in the LORD with all my heart, stop leaning on my own understanding, and in all my ways acknowledge him...

This song helps me remember: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EZV0n9dC34U