ADDICTS IN RELATIONSHIPS WHO WANT RECOVERY. IS IT POSSIBLE AND HOW?????
ADDICTS IN RELATIONSHIPS WHO WANT RECOVERY IS IT POSSIBLE AND HOW?????
IF YOU THINK YOU MIGHT BE OR KNOW SOMEONE PLEASE READ AND REBLOG!!!!
This is basically the question someone ASKed me on Tumblr. It is way to long of an answer to try and share on ASK.. As I wrote my response I couldn't believe how extremely important this was. I wish I had this when I deided to get my shit together.
This was my entire adult life. Being married to another addict that is. We are still married actually but divorce is in the works. Don't let that scare you. It didn't work for me, and I know why. I hope through my mistakes you might find success together. If you don't I hope you are strong enough to go it alone.
*Disclaimer: This is my opinion. I am not a doctor, counselor, or pastor. I am a man. I am an addict. I have lived it. I think this gives me some insight. Take it or leave it this is what I learned.
I do believe that a 12step program works. BUT it is not for everyone. These STEPS ARE NOT THE 12 STEP PROGRAM STEPS. This is just a guide for the topic above, my view on it from one addict to another.
Step 1:Decide to get help!!
Do both of you REALLY want to be clean and sober? When i decided I was finished with that way of life I was ready to give up anything and everything for it. I didn't care what. Kids, wife, family, house all of it. Now granted I didn't know any of this when I started my journey. It was 2 am. I burned through $5,000 in crack cocaine in about 6 days and I was near death from alcohol withdrawals. 4 kids, wife, no bills paid and I was going to kill myself. I thought to myself, "If I kill myself and my kids find me, they will know what happens when you live the life of an addict. They might not become one." Then on tv came one of those stupid NEED A PRAYER? commercials came on. It hit me. I have another choice. Just so you know there has been alot of bad shit in my life over the years to add to this despair. I was a career ADDICT. Anything and everything except heroin and I think that was because it just was never around. I wake my wife and I tell her I'm going to rehab and she should go. SHE SAID NO!!! This for addicts is a major red flag. IF THEY DON'T WANT IT YOU CAN'T MAKE THEM. I talked bad to her and made her feel like shit and she said OMG your right and went.
Step 2: Be HONEST with your VERY CLOSE friends and Family
You will not get clean and/or sober without complete honesty. DO NOT MISTAKE THIS FOR STUPIDITY. You can not say things that will be detrimental to you in the long run or in the present. Being honest means aswering the questions that need to be answered to help further you in recovery. Like what drugs are you on? Do you use needles? Do you owe people money? Etc etc. Use judgement on who you talk to. Not everyone initally will know. Don't worry. It won't take long. They all will say how proud of you they are and how strong you are. Don't start thinking that you are the shit look what I have done. You haven't done shit yet. This is easy. This is the start. I say that becuase an addicts worse enemy is itself. You start to think I don't need rehab. I stopped for 3 days i never did that before. I will just move in with mom, dad, sister or whoever. This might work for awhile. Maybe. It won't work long. You will start craving someone or something will piss you off know matter how small and there you go. Off chasing that Illusive imaginary band-aid to fix all your problems. The reality of it is its just a big bully there to hold you down while everything else in your life starts to punch and kick you and you have nowhere to turn. This goes to the next thing
Step 3: You Must SEPARATE yourself from your addict partner, your family, and your friends.
Are you able to be apart from each other? I was obsessed with my wife. I thought that was love. She was obsessed with me too. It was more caused through the years of Isolating ourselves to each other our addiction and lies than commitment, friendship, compassion, these things are love.
It gets a little tougher here. No one wants to leave there kids, mom, brother, sister or whoever behind. YOUR NOT!!! If you are reading this you probably haven't functioned in there life for a long time in some sort of normal role. We always think “NO ONE KNOWS” that they are “fooled.” The only person fooled is the one looking at you from the mirror. Everyone sees how you changed, how you look, how you act. They might not know to what extent or how bad it is, rest assured they know.
What you are doing by leaving is giving them time to heal, to forgive, and to want you back. It gives you time to do the same without the burdgen of guilt, shame, and embarrasment. Everyone needs this. It sounds strange to say it but Recovery is a SELFISH thing. If you aren't doing it for you and you alone it won't stick. I'm not saying that in some rare cases it hasn't but its not the norm. You can only control your actions and thinking. You have to be able to do that before you can even think of doing or helping anyone with anything.
Now. An addict is a master liar. Manipulator. Scammer. Remember this when you have this talk about what you are going to do. You have to be able to go on your own without them. This for some wakes them up and they decide to go. Most do not. You have to choose some sort of Recovery program, place, adventure, something before you talk to them. Now I chose Rehab, which I reccomend. You have to do what is best for you. You CAN NOT rely on your partner, who is also your "lets get fucked up buddy" to be your support system. They will be strong occasionally but more often than not they want to get fucked up just like you. YOU have to worry about YOU. They have to worry about them. When you separate, you actually learn how you feel, think, and love someone. You learn how to be your own person. Addicts generally are weak people mentally which is one reason why they use because of no coping skills, abuse, etc. I'm sure most of you can fill in the rest of the blanks.
Step 4: TRY TRY TRY YOUR HARDEST.
When I was in rehab I couldn't get enough info.....once i decided to try. The first few days were miserable. Alone, scared, coming down, and sobering up it was the first time In 12 yrs that I could remember not being able to put something in my body that would make the mental anguish I was feeling go away. So be prepared for that. You won't be even if you know it now, because the anger and loneliness will block it. It only lasted 3 days for me. I was ready to get my life together and I finally remembered that after I got some real rest and a counselor asked me why did I come to Treatment. Treatment? You mean its treatable? That was what I needed to hear!! I can treat this thing called addiction like a disease. Wait it is a disease? WOW!
Ok i know thats cheesy but it was like that for me. Like a lightbulb went on. So I tried to absorb, write down, read, study, and do it all again everyday to get what I needed for when I left. God at this point you will be feeling better, feeling prepared, feeling like you can beat this thing no problem. NOT. That is what I was talking about earlier. This is the easy part of staying straight. Its when you get out that it gets hard. When life hits. When that lover, friend, partner says “Man i'm jonesing. One time won't be nothing. We will just get a 40. Just a little bit like old times thats it.” This is the tough stuff.
Hopefully that isn't what happens to your Spouse or lover. Hopefully they went to treatment and got help. This is where I will continue for MY Next post - life together after rehab. If they chose not to go and get help, there is nowhere to go if you truly want a different life, but to separate yourself from them. I'm sorry. You can't save them. You can't. You already know it. ITS NOT YOUR FAULT. It doesn't matter who bought them, who thought about it and who wanted it more. You didn't make them smoke it, shoot it or snort it. No one could stop you and you can't stop any addict from using. They say they love us. Thats a lie. They love the high. You loved the high. Remember: Actions always speak louder than words. Words dont mean shit. What someone does is what shows love.
I will be continuing this topic with another post on what happens after treatment. CLEAN-SCARED-AND TOGETHER. NOW WHAT?
PLEASE REBLOG, LIKE, FOLLOW, 0R ASK ME A QUESITON. ALL I WANT TO DO IS HELP OTHERS.
Thank you for reading. I will do all I can to help and answer whatever questions you might have. I have 3kids and work full tme so I'm a litle slow at responding. I will get to it even if its late at night.
REMEMBER-- If Recovery is not for you. How do you plan on keeping it then?
