Eugene Peterson on “Willed Passivity”
“After another decade and a few years into marriage, I was surprised to find myself at the center of what has turned out to be the richest experience yet in my will and God’s will. I had supposed when I entered marriage that it was mostly about sexuality, domesticity, companionship, and children. The surprise was that I was in a graduate school for spirituality—prayer and God—with daily assignments and frequent exams in matters of the will…
“It goes without saying that in marriage two wills are in operation at the same time. Sometimes, and especially in early months of marriage, the two wills are spontaneously congruent and experienced as one. But as time goes by and early ecstasies are succeeded by routines and demands, what was experienced as gift must be developed as art.
“The art is willed passivity…
“St. Paul’s famous ‘Wives be subject to your husbands. Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her’ (Eph. 5:22-25) sets down the parallel operations of willed passivity.
“A [vital] earlier sentence establishes the necessary context, apart from which the dual instructions can only be [and more often than not are] misunderstood. The sentence is ‘Be subject to one another out of reverence for Christ’ (Eph. 5:21).
“Reverence is the operative word…awed, worshipful attentiveness, ready to respond in love and adoration. We do not learn our relationship with God out of cocksure, arrogant knowledge of exactly what God wants (which then launches us into a vigorous clean-up campaign of the world on his behalf, in the course of which we shout orders up at him, bossing him around so that he can assist us in accomplishing his will). Nor do we cower before him in scrupulous anxiety that fears offending him, only venturing a word or an action when explicitly commanded and at all other times worrying endlessly of what we might have done to offend him.
“NO, gospel reverence, Christ reverence, spouse reverence is a vigorous (but by no means presumptuous) bold freedom, full of spontaneous energy. This is the contextual atmosphere in which we find ourselves loved and loving before God.
“We are more than ready to bow down before Christ unafraid that we will be tyrannized, for Christ has already laid down his life for us on the cross, pouring himself out and holding nothing back. Willed passivity.
“St. Paul teaches husbands and wives how their wills can become the means for love and not the weapons of war. He counsels willed passivity in both marriage partners as an analogy of Christ’s willingness to be sacrificed. Love is defined by a willingness to give up my will…a voluntary crucifixion.
“Marriage provides extensive experience in the possibilities of willed passivity. We find ourselves in daily relationship with a complex reality we did not make—this person with functioning heart and kidneys, with glorious (and not so glorious) emotions, capable of interesting us profoundly one minute and then boring us insufferably the next, and most mysterious of all, with a will, the freedom to choose and direct and intend a shared life intimacy.
And all the time I am also all those things, also with a will. When we are doing it right and not always knowing how we are doing it right, the two wills enhance and glorify each other. We learn soon that love does not develop when we impose our will on the other, but only when we enter into sensitive responsiveness to the will of the other, what I am calling willed passivity. If the operation is mutual, which it sometimes is, a great love is the consequence. The high failure rate of marriage is the sad statistical witness to the difficulties involved. We would rather operate as activists in our love, commanding our beloved in actions that please us, which reduces our partner’s options to indolent passivity or rebellion. No ambiguities in either case. But also no love—and no faith.
“…Every act of intimacy, whether in work or [friendship] or marriage or prayer, suppresses willfulness and cultivates willingness.” (italics mine)
[Eugene Peterson, The Contemplative Pastor, pgs. 105-109]
"God is love. Love is the core of God's being. Man and woman, made in the image of God, are also, at that core, love. This is who we were created to be, persons who love, persons who receive love. When we love we are most ourselves, living at our very best, mature. Everyone, I venture to say, feels at some deep level this primary core identity.
"But here is the supreme irony: love is who we are, love is what we want, love is what we want to practice, but it is in loving and being loved that we accumulate the most failures. We are repeatedly disappointed in love. We realize that we are hopelessly inadequate in love...competence in love eludes us. There are no awards given in the practice of love. There are no levels of achievement. There are no graduate degrees to affirm our accomplishments. What so often happens then is that we give up...
"We misunderstand love when we suppose that it has to do with saying the right things at the right times. No. It has to do with being in relation with God and our neighbors, regardless of what we are saying and doing and wherever we are...We also misunderstand love if we are ignorant of its origin in God...
"Love is not self-starting or self-defined; it is always, 'as Christ loved us.'...
[But] then there is this. Every detail in the practice of love and worship is susceptible to perversion and sacrilege. There are no flu shots against sin. There are many more ways to sin against love than by going to bed with Bathsheba. There are many more ways to sin against worship than by dancing around a golden calf...
"Christian maturity [marital maturity] is not a matter of doing more for God; it is God doing more in and through us. Immaturity is noisy with anxiety-fueled self-importance. Maturity is quietly content to pursue a life of obedient humility...
"We do not become mature on our own. Maturity...can be accomplished only in relationship with others, named/known others...
'Be subject to one another out of reverence for Christ' (Eph. 5:21). Both parts of the sentence...are radically countercultural, but only when they are combined. Separated, they lose potency.
" 'Be subject to one another.' Maturity is not analogous to a body building regimen in which we lift weights to build our muscles to the max, and then periodically stand before a mirror to examine our progress. Maturity is not a solitary state; it is relational. Maturity does not come about by making the most of ourselves by ourselves; it is making the most of personal relationships. We don't do that by becoming stronger than the other, overpowering him or her, dominating either emotionally or physically. We don't impose ourselves. We enter into another person's life sharing both weakness and strength. We enter the life of another, but we don't force the entrance. Mutuality is always involved in 'be subject'/'submit.'
"Americans are not used to this. We are raised in an aggressively competitive culture. We measure ourselves over against one another, be it in educational learning, athletic competition, salary, popularity, fashion, appearance, or performance. Competition is bred into us from the cradle. When we evaluate the people around us as winners and losers, we reflect this.
"There are many settings in which this competitive spirit brings out the best in us. But there are just as many, maybe more, when it brings out the worse. And the one setting in which it often brings out the very worst in us is the family. If family members are in competition with one another--husbands and wives, parents and children, brothers and sisters--intimacy is insidiously undermined. We can achieve maturity in families only by being 'subject to one another.' But it doesn't come easy. Competitive skills are far easier to come by than submission skills...
" 'Out of reverence for Christ' is the companion phrase to 'be subject to one another,' and provides the working conditions apart from which 'be subject' cannot flourish. Without reverence for Christ, it is highly unlikely that 'be subject to one another' will happen in either household or workplace. Without 'reverence for Christ,' the counsel 'be subject' reduces us to doormats.
"...Of the several relationships that Paul names in household and workplace, it is marriage of husband and wife that he deals with most extensively. No other relation that we enter into is more complex and difficult and demanding, or more fulfilling and pleasurable and satisfying...
"...Marriage and church are both composed of relationships that are a bold assault on the individualism in both society and church--the sin of individualism, the sin of wanting to have my own way with God, my own way with my spouse, my own way with my children. If maturity, growing up in Christ, insists above all on relationships--relationships of trust and adoration with God, relationships of righteousness and love with one another--observing and meditating on what takes place in marriage is an excellent way to acquire the insights and develop the habits of heart that parallel what takes place in the church."
[Eugene Peterson, from his book, Practice Resurrection, various parts from pgs. 213-214]