[blue-wolfe]

Once we reach 400 Elijah's I can start working on the next... 👀 Adam or Jedidiah?

[blue-wolfe]

WE HIT 400! 🎉

Which means one thing...

Who comes next?

Jedidiah

Adam

Voting ended onJun 21

[the-all-seeingg]

JEDIDIAH

@alithehuman

[alithehuman]

YESSSS, JEDIDIAH!!!!

[alithehuman]

I keep thinking, maybe it was a mistake. Maybe it is all a huge mistake. Perhaps I was supposed to die much earlier. What if I am being chased by Death, but I unwillingly escape it each time? What do I have to do for things to feel right?

Maybe the Death is lazy, maybe she doesn't know where I am, maybe she took a long vacation, maybe she forgot my name. Is she seeking me, or is she hiding?

Or perhaps, my time hasn't come yet. Maybe Life has more things in store for me. Maybe I'm meant to suffer and become an example. Maybe after all this suffering, there is an award waiting for me.

I wonder, is all this suffering worth it? Each day I am in agony, each day I hope it's the last... is every scar worth whatever awaits me at the end?

I hope it's something sweet. I hope it's something warm and lovely, something I won't have to ask for. I hope it won't end, for I can't stand losing something so important once again. I hope it'll be worth all this.

[alithehuman]

I starve myself.

I deprive myself of sustenance,

I seize all I hold dear

and lock it away.

I throw away the key

to my mind,

to my heart,

and I build a wall around me.

I am cynical and skeptical

about every word you say,

and in that way

I chase you away.

I am sinful and unholy,

I am impure and ungodly.

I spit hatred and malice,

and I enjoy the distaste

as I loathe everyone around me.

I despise with passion,

and I disdain with fevour.

I am sickening and repelling,

and I am unable to forbear from

spoiling me, myself and I.

[alithehuman]

There was once a little girl,

so soft-hearted, so soft-spoken.

The little girl did not cuss.

The little girl did not defy.

The little girl was a princess in distress,

she cried silently,

hoping someone would save her from her misery.

The little girl is not so little anymore.

She built up stronghold walls,

she cusses and she defies.

Noone saved her, so she saved herself.

She became the prince she so needed back then.

[alithehuman]

When I hold onto the edge,

I hope you will take my hand.

I hope you won't even think twice.

And when I start slipping,

when I start losing my strength and will,

I hope you won't question if I'm worth it.

When you're given an ultimatum,

I hope that you will choose me,

for I'd love to be chosen atleast once.

[alithehuman]

hold my hand,

dive into my mind.

i am lost in your eyes,

drunk off your voice

and i cling on,

immensely,

with my fingers and teeth

if you were the sun,

I'd let you blind me

if you were the moon,

i'd go stargazing each night

and search the whole sky,

just to catch your quiet light.

if you were the ocean,

i'd wander past the tide,

let your waves wash over me

and teach me how to breathe again

and if you were the storm,

i'd stand beneath the sky

just to hear how my name sounds

each time you thunder.

[alithehuman]

I've been longing for the sweet soft thread

For the breezy caress

For the pearls i so adore to show

I wanted to know

No, I wanted to have never doubted you in the first place

But i do doubt you

You gave me pearls, but what if they were fake?

The breezy caress was there, but what if you were just blowing in my face?

What if the satin thread was actually made out of polyester?

Those pretty light blue bathroom tiles of yours,

Are you worried I'll stain them red?

Are you really so soft spoken, or is it sharp knives you're hiding?

[alithehuman]

I clawed at my skin,

begging to be let out.

I chewed at my lips,

till they were left stained red.

I bit my nails nervously,

till there was nothing left.

I pulled my hair,

till I didn't have the strength to do so anymore.

Organs you were blessed with,

never proven useful.

Your ears?

Your eyes?

Your bitter heart?

None, but you used that mouth well.

God given mouth, unleashing hurt like it's holy.

Why not cherish the gift?

No, instead, hurt me.

Speak, they say, but I'm too stunned by your morals.

You yell and you growl, but do you whisper?

Do you know what it's like?

When the soft voice shushes in your ear, giggles,

it feels hot.

You shiver, and you smile.

Wake up.

Wake up.

It didn't happen —

no, it's the shrill of a madwoman.

It pierces through your heart like an icicle,

but it melts.

Where's your proof?

What if all the blood you've bled was on your hands?

The hole in your chest,

why would I do that myself?

You're crazy, they say.

I'm crazy?

They repeat.

You're crazy.

It's making me crazy,

so I grab an icicle.

God, it stings.

It hurts!

But it begins to melt, and so I hurry.

And I stab.

Another hollow hole in my body,

my doing.

Maybe I am crazy.

They made me crazy.

Say it again, come on, try it.

Say it again, and I'll stab you too.

[alithehuman]

me

he is a tempter, constantly whispering to me

"you deserve this," he sneers as he drifts the knife across my skin

he plays with me like a doll, swinging my strings carelessly

they tangle, but he does not care

he chases everyone away, makes them flee

And I scream, and I beg

"Don't leave!"

But they do

it is his fault, but he does not care

and he delivers the last blow,

as I surrender my final breath

[alithehuman]

I think I'm going to clean my room,

and indulge in the satisfaction.

I think I'm going to buy new clothes,

and wear all sorts of crazy outfits.

I think I'm going to cut my hair,

and regret it afterwards.

I think I'm going to paint my nails,

and then scratch all the paint off.

I think,

and I hope

That there even is a tomorrow.

That there is a day

where I won't have to hope anymore.

When I will just know.

[alithehuman]

She's taking a part in the play,

but I haven't been given the script.

She's sharing a piece of her life with me

as if it was cake,

but it looks poisonous.

She pours me a glass of cranberry juice,

but it tastes like bitter wine.

She finally asks; why aren't you speaking?

And I try—

but I stand, frozen, underneath the spotlight.

The audience is full,

the stage is set.

She's acting out a scene,

waiting for me

to say my line.

But I can't speak.

The gnawing guilt is chipping away at me,

as if I was an old statue.

Awkwardly, I grin.

I sip at the bitter wine,

smile past the poison.

And surround myself with the gut wretching applause.