A Little Thai'd Up @alittlethaidup - Tumblr Blog

Can I lay you down and kiss away the longing, can I steal the ache?

Daily Haiku on Love by Tyler Knott Gregson (via tylerknott)

Over and Out

Turns out I'm not too good at blogging - keeping up with it and "sticking to the script," anyway. My travel blog turned into my love story blog, but fear not, I've got like an hour to fit in a month+ worth of adventures I've been on. Strap in and hold tight!

Thailand --> Cambodia --> Vietnam --> Thailand. Southeast Asia is a dust-covered gem. It's rugged, under-developed, hectic and dirty; it's peaceful, earthy, sparkling with beauty, full of both hidden and not so hidden treasures. I, more often than not, felt I was living a dream. The past month has been one big out-of-body experience (except in Vietnam cities where every step down the traffic laden streets could be your last. Just think human Frogger, people.)

Huffington Post published an article, 19 Under the Radar Places in Southeast Asia That Will Actually Change Your Life and I've been lucky enough to have visited some of them.

The endlessly enchanting temples of the biggest religious monument in the world - Angkor Wat.

The quaint, integral and swimmingly delicious beach town of Kep, Cambodia.

The ethereal and gorgeous sandscape of the Mui Ne Sand Dunes, Vietnam

The historically chilling and apprehensively thrilling Cu Chi Tunnels, Vietnam

The mind-blowingly beautiful rice fields and heaven-like heights of Sa Pa, Vietnam

The hippie-heavy, charmingly lazy mountain town of Pai, Thailand

Did they change my life? Sure did.

But traveling is more than just a list of places you check off. It's having a few beers with Cambodian locals at 10am, sharing stories and laughing together while you wait for your boat ride to Rabbit Island. It's having to say no to kids begging you to "open your heart, open your wallet" because you're on a backpacker's budget and already have 10 bracelets, 8 anklets and a hair braid. It's braving the achingly long and bumpy bus rides to reach your destination and being blown away by your surroundings each and every time you arrive. It's the depth of which you get to know the person/people you're traveling with (Lina - I love you, girl!), and the depth of which you get to know yourself.

This journey hasn't just been fun in the sun; it's been pain in the rain, too. Each are essential to the human experience and I wouldn't want it any other way. In Chiang Mai, we attempted to attend a "monk chat" where you can, obviously, chat with monks. It didn't work out, and I was pretty disappointed but on my train back to Bangkok, a monk was assigned the bunk bed across from me. First thought, "Uh oh, better cover up." Second thought, "Here's my chance for a monk chat!" Our meeting was short and sweet because he found it too difficult to "sleep in the same bunk as such a beautiful girl." Before he left, we shared our stories, he taught me meditation and gave me a parting gift. I asked for general advice to lead a happy life and he said, "choose your thoughts wisely."

So there you have it. The Universe wins, again. Mindfulness is/was a leading instrument in my entire 7 months here. I couldn't have chosen 4 words to so perfectly sum up everything I've learned and continue to work on. I'll let the pictures do the rest of the talking.

I have a feeling I'll be back here, someday, so it's not goodbye, Thailand, it's see you later.

Over and out.

frisso--n

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All I want is nothing more

To hear you knocking at my door

Cause if I could see your face once more

I could die a happy woman, I’m sure

3.30.14 (Her Part II)

We lay in her bed, separated by pillows, grasping each other’s hands under the covers, concealed from her Muslim mother’s bigoted opposition. I could feel her subtle movements and hear her soft breath travel through the space between us. I forced my eyes closed, fighting back tears like sailors fight rough seas and I was drowning slowly in the realization that this was going to be harder than it seemed. We were worlds apart. We were right next to each other but we were worlds apart. We made love in the middle of the night when the chances of getting caught were the lowest, but one slight sound outside her door and we were back on separate sides of the bed with my heart on the floor. Reality never felt so surreal. All I had to hold throughout the night was her whisper of “I love you.” It was heavy but made me float; I was afraid I wasn’t strong enough, afraid I’d let go. But I held so tight to her words that the world we were living in disappeared and I was hers.

“I love you, too.”

We knew this time would come; she was a cliff I was climbing and would eventually have to jump from. She was accepted into a program placed in Dubai; I encouraged her exploration and applauded her accomplishments. “I would never want to get in the way of your success,” I’d assure her. “I wouldn’t mind if you did,” she’d confess. If I had to lose her, I accepted this to be the way. I was leaving, too, after all, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t want to stay. “I’ll be okay,” I thought. But as time passed, and we continued to fall, that notion became less and less likely. Preparation is a mental practice, anyway. You can prepare a thesis, a presentation, a meal, but you can’t prepare your heart not to feel.

We got into our first fight when reality and fear built walls around us. She thought sabotaging things would make it easier when she had to leave, but it left her feeling worse, a mistake. “I have the world with me right now and I want to cherish every moment with you. I’m sorry.” I forgave. And our bond strengthened, scaling the walls with ease. We’re in trouble, we’d say. Our love was on a stop watch, an unwinnable race against time, and we both had moments of emotional exhaustion. But I would find myself in her arms again. Each time one time closer to the end.

She would sing for me - her voice cracking through the tears she held in, rivaling the acoustics in authenticity, sending chills through my spine. “I wish you would share your talent with the world,” I’d plead. “Only for you,” she’d say. Her parents wanted her to pursue a career she wasn't passionate about in favor of financial security. I wondered if she’d ever follow her heart. Perhaps it would take her getting lost, first, to realize every other path is a dead end, a false start.

The last few times together, we were engulfed in a hurricane of love with a limit, drenched in tears of hope, defeat, longing, heartache. It was pleasurable torture that left a path of destruction. We didn’t want it to be over, but both of us knew it was out of our hands. Sure, we’d talk and skype as often as we’d like but the truth is that it will be harder than it will be easy. It will bring as much pain as it will joy. And it will hurt just as much to move along as it will to move on. What do you do? What does anyone do in that situation? Take cover? Run? There’s no right answer. There’s no easy way to safety.

She was ecstasy, she was misery. She put my heart in a cage and she set it free.

It’s both comforting and distressing. I feel both lucky and cursed. I found a love few people in their lifetime ever will, but I’m also losing it. And not because it’s unrequitted, feeble. I’m losing her to things bigger than us. I’m losing her to the pursuit, the world, her youth. I’m losing her to the religion of her parents, her fear, her masked appearance. I’m losing her to distance, time and place. I’m losing her to the climate of change and the space it creates. We’re worlds apart. Even when we’re right next to each other we’re worlds apart.

The last time I’ll see her is March 30th.

But I miss her already.

I miss her already.

Do I regret it? No. Not even a little. Do I wish things were different? Am I angry at the world and society often? Yes. Am I heartbroken? Absolutely. But I’m grateful. She restored my belief in love, the kind I want and deserve. I will miss her every single day and I dread the day, if it ever comes, that I heal. That she heals. Because right now, we still have a sliver of hope that one day we’ll find each other and our love will be there waiting for us to take hold. I’ll let that sliver puncture me and kill me slow before I let it go.

The hardest thing I’ve ever done was get on a plane to Bangkok with a broken heart and now, 6 months later, the hardest thing I will ever do is get on a plane to Boston with a broken heart. I don’t know. It’s somber serendipity. Maybe I’ve found the feelings behind ‘happy’ and ‘free’ but now more than ever I know what they mean. It’s not to control or to fight the current’s flow. It’s release. It’s peace. It’s to love, live life, let it go and let it be…

And even in the environment of grand uncertainty, it’s daring to Dare Greatly.

xo.

justjessjeans-deactivated201810

Clementine: This is it, Joel. It’s going to be gone soon. Joel: I know. Clementine: What do we do? Joel: Enjoy it.

(via whitecloudsandcottoncandyskies)

Makes me cry every. single. time.

I see you in the dark 'Cause I've been where you are You're too scared show me love 'Cause you're too fresh with the scars Well I don't have the answers So I won't tell you lies You was there when I was down love But you gotta live your own life

She said I can't let this happen No I can't let this happen again I found my love and I I don't wanna lose it again

And I I told you all my secrets lover No I I don't want to have to speak to another my dear And I I find it hard to fully trust you And I I'm staring at this multi-colored cluster of lust and love

She said I can't let this happen No I can't let this happen again I found my love and I I don't wanna lose it again

And I I value all that we discover We set free we set free those emotions left uncovered my dear An echo An echo of our time stands before us Her eyes Ears and her mouth she looks just like you my dear

I said I can't let this happen I can't let this happen again I found my love and I I don't wanna lose it again

I said I can't let this happen No I can't let this happen again I found my love and I I don't wanna lose it again girl

No I don't wanna lose you now No I don't wanna lose you now No I don't wanna lose you now No I don't wanna lose you now No I don't wanna lose you now No I don't wanna lose you now No I don't wanna lose you now No I don't wanna lose you now

Since being here, I haven't Skyped my mom not once, (because she's a damn hippy living on an island and doesn't operate technology further than email and phone calls). I miss your face, mum!! Buuuuttt I can say that throughout this entire journey she has been there. Every step of the way. The foundation I stand strongly on, the positive reinforcement every person needs, (even sometimes annoyingly so positive you wanna be like "Ugghhhh, shit sucks and I'm just gunna let it suck til it doesn't suck anymore and there's nothing you can do about it!" ) the consistent love and inspiration to just keep swimming even when I feel like I'm drowning. She's the valentine that will always be mine. The strongest woman I know who is constantly trying to better herself and the world around her - I only wish to make you proud, mum. Thank you for this. Thank you and I love you.

From little ol' me in Thailand. Happy Valentines Day.

xo.

Daughter, what I love about you

I love the spirit of you

the grace with which you welcome each challenge,

the childlike wonder that still colors your days

I love the originality of you

your willingness to stand out from the crowd

your unique perspective on what's happening in the world and in your life

And most of all I love the heart of you

the genuine compassion, empathy and friendship you offer to everyone you know

I guess it's pretty clear that I love everything about you...

We'll shed our skin

We'll walk the other side

We'll brace for it

And conquer everything

Her.

The first time I met her, I knew I wouldn't forget her. She had long, dark, curly hair and her big brown eyes brightened every time she looked at me. She called me baby like she meant it. So effortless how it rolled off her tongue and eased through her lips. I doubted I could be the one, but I’d be any number for her. She spoke 5 languages; her accent alone could undress you. She was smart, but wouldn't choose logic over affairs of the heart, at least not when it came to me. She could sing the shit out of a song and you’d never guess by looking at her that she loved the likes of The Paper Kites and depressing movies. Our first date, we watched a film about slavery. Held each other while we cried during the scene he was set free. I felt like I was being set free. After the movie, we trapped each other in the elevator. Close. Door. Ding! Clooooose door. Damn, that’s either romance or irony.

She was a native and I was an expat, but god, she felt like home. She’d grab my hand and lead me through obscure alleyways, looking back and smiling as if she was about to reveal a secret. And she did, too. We’d turn a graffiti-laden corner and slip off our shoes before entering into one of her favorite dimly-lit escapes. She’d be greeted by everyone with smiling embraces. Everyone knew her. Everyone loved her. And I was next in line.

We talked every day, had so much in common with enough differences to up the intrigue. She was like a mirror of my better self. She trampled over my walls before I even had a chance to put them up. That must’ve been the Taurus in her. No one saw me the way she did. And when we saw each other, well, it was like the first time every time. The slow boil in your insides, the excitement, the nervousness that still somehow felt comforting; I was lost and found all at once. There were no games, no hesitance, no fear. It was real, raw, transparent and intense. We’d share songs and poetry as frequent as our feelings and plot our way to wealth and success. But we both knew what we were really plotting; our love story.

The reality of our circumstances both halted and progressed our romance in equal measure. Do we stop? Let’s stop before we’re hurt. Do we go ahead? Let’s spend every weekend together, I want to take you everywhere and kiss you forev…as long as I can. Do we forget we ever met? How did you find me?! Put me back this instance! I didn't want to lose her. She didn't want to lose me. I came here with a broken heart and she was putting the pieces back together and removing them repeatedly. And I always came back for more. After all, my favorite thing to do is to live. And she made me feel so alive I could die.

Perhaps it was a daunting foot to start off on - knowing it would end as quickly as it began. Perhaps it was naive and stupid and surely to leave us in more pain than anyone ever wishes on anyone, let alone themselves. Or perhaps it wouldn't end prematurely. Perhaps we’d find a way. Perhaps it was bold and extraordinary and all-conquering; things love should be. Perhaps.

She wasn't a safe bet; the odds were against us, but there I was rolling the dice. Because these things don’t happen every day. And hell, if you don’t take chances, you’ll end up old with a wrinkle for each regret of every un-taken step.

So off we go. And if this turns my heart into stone, at least it will be engraved with footprints from the sweetest love I've ever known.

To Be Continued…

xo.

#loveabroad #travel

Life's Intersection

I might be the happiest I've ever been, and that might be the saddest thing I've ever said.

Teacher, Teacher

5:30 AM Alarm. To shower or not to shower? Ready, Dressed, Go.

6:15 AM Nescafe or am I balling enough for some Amazon? Ugh, Nescafe. Always Nescafe. Omelet over rice? Check. Yogurt? Check. The usual. Maybe some fruit if I’m feeling fancy. 6:30-6:45 AM Lantern-lit walk to school. Pass the old couple setting up their soup stall and the eager customers. The lady starting a fire for her grill. The mechanic who owns 5 pugs and 3 chihuahuas.The guys unloading trucks of produce. The monks doing their morning rounds. The woman jogging with a stray dog following close behind. The garbage guy. The bush-sprayers. Dodge the puddles, the bird shit, the mud, the loose stones in the sidewalk. The bank. Take a right down a long driveway to Sakul Suksa, a private primary school of 500 students run by a tight-knit, wealthy family. Unlock the gate, sign in, and Wai to everyone. “Sawadee-kaaaaa” 7:00AM - Game time

“I’ve come to a frightening conclusion that I am the decisive element in the classroom. It’s my personal approach that creates the climate. It’s my daily mood that makes the weather. As a teacher, I possess a tremendous power to make a child’s life miserable or joyous. I can be a tool of torture or an instrument of inspiration. I can humiliate or heal. In all situations, it is my response that decides whether a crisis will be escalated or de-escalated and a child humanized or dehumanized.”

This is the truth. Possibly the greatest, yet heaviest, lesson I’ve learned is of my own power and abilities. When I’m in a good mood, the class goes well. When I take it too seriously or I’m not present mentally, the class falls flat. I can focus on positive reinforcement and see positive results or I can do the opposite. This is just as true for school/work as it is for life.

I loved my teachers. I looked up to them, respected them, and found them somewhere between interesting and inspiring. I loved school. I was fortunate. And now that I’ve had a taste of what it takes on the other side, I appreciate them even more. But let’s be real, my favorite class will always be lunch.

To lead a classroom of 25+ wide-eyed Thai kids with enough energy to light a town and not lose your wits or your shit, takes a certain breed of human. Sometimes I’m that breed, sometimes not, but even when it’s hard, it’s rewarding. And even when it’s chaotic, it’s fun. I mean, did you watch the video? These kids are adorable, funny and they want to learn English. They call me beautiful so much I’m starting to believe it. I love these little munchkins and I’m grateful for the relationships I've been able to form with them in such a short amount of time, with an even shorter Thai vocabulary.

Thailand’s education system isn’t the best. In fact, it’s one of the worst in the world, but I’m working at one of the best schools in the country. I have books, a laptop, air conditioning, free lunch, filtered water, a whiteboard and technology. I’m set! Sure, I’ve resisted their methods at times and could list the problems. Aint nobody got time for that, though. To keep it short, they’re taught like robots. Robots that are always right, even when they’re wrong. Memorization. Reciting. Copying. Limited room for growth, expansion, and critical thinking. I wish I could get all Mr. Clark on 'em and inspire some drastic change. But this isn't a movie and it’s not my battle to fight. Plus, I'm no Morgan Freeman. So, the best I can do is the best I can do and I’m okay with that.

I can’t believe it’s almost over. Then again, maybe it’s not. Maybe this is just the beginning...

Do what you believe is great work. Don't settle.

To hold over all my patiently waiting people (mostly my mom and aunt)! Here's my best friend here in Thailand's video of us in Hua Hin. It's got me in it more than my own video, so enjoy!!

You're that lace-trimmed danger, one day you'll be the face of a stranger. Chasing your pretty thoughts <3

Just Be Thankful, For What You Got

It's been a month and some change. Or should I say A LOT of "change." Update since Koh Chang: I live in Pak Chong - a small city about 3 hours north of Bangkok and work at a private elementary school teaching Prathom 3 & 4 (8-10 year olds). Ash got placed in Bangkok and we're still tight. Here's a list of things I've had to get used to:

Cold showers. all. the. time. (not just when it's hot - which is only at peak times during the day. The mornings and nights, when I shower, get down to the 50's)

Critters - all kinds of creepy crawlies just waiting to crawl the crap out of you (but for some reason, they don't) They're like trained house pets, ya'll! Except the cockroaches. Homie don't play that.

The comfort of home? Yeah, no. - Don't get me wrong, I've made my jail cell apartment the nicest jail cell apartment one can make it. But the bed is really hard, the four walls are really white, and there are no electrical outlets where you need them. I want to punch myself in the face for sounding so needy but in the beginning, I wanted to run fast in the other direction to a five-star hotel. Now, I'm all like, I don't need no stinkin outlets! Cold showers fo lyfe! Spiders are my homies! Brrrrrring it on Thailand, you're gunna have to do better than that.

Language Barriers - this is obvious but the repercussions of not speaking Thai lead to living out a constant game of charades in hopes the Thai person can read your helpless body language. Awkward interactions for dayyyssss. I now know what it feels like to be an "immigrant." And it's hard, but I'm slowly learning.

Transportation (or lack there of) - To get around and explore my city, you need a motorbike. Or you're forced to seek out the ONE taxi in town or rely on other Farangs to bring you anywhere. I walk. Because since my little accident, I think it's better I sacrifice my mode instead of my life. And exercise never hurt no one. I know, right? Who AM I?! My feet can only take me so far, though, so you can't help but feel a little trapped.

Meeting new people even when you don't feel like meeting new people - I've always been an "outgoing introvert" and sometimes, yeah, I wrap myself in a ball and don't want to leave my jail cell, never mind be greeted every time I step outside and forced to socialize with other humans. But that's my problem, not anyone else's, and they shouldn't have to pay for my bitchy resting face syndrome. How petty do I sound when I'm like "Oh poor me, people are so nice and I get invited places. Boo hooooo."

Feeling out of your element - This isn't "home," but it is your home and you gotta do what you gotta do to make it feel that way. Every time I get in a rut, I go to the night market and my mood is instantly lifted because everyone's so lively and the things you need suddenly appear and you think to yourself "Why was I being SUCH a baby two minutes ago?" Thailand has made me give less shits about my own shit. You might not have everything you want, but you do have everything you need (and sometimes the things you want, too!) GET.OVER.IT.EVERYTHING.IS.GOOD.

Teaching - I'm going to leave for it's own blog post entirely. The good, the bad, the funny, the awesome. Stay tuned.

Here's the thing that keeps me going - beyond the struggles are incredible feats in your self-limits and how far you're willing to go for the sake of the experience; test upon test of your mental strength, positivity and faith that everything will work out. And when it does (oftentimes through magical chance encounters and events), your confidence, your bravery, and your trust in yourself and the Universe, expands immensely. This is what I wanted. This is what will grow me. This is Thailand. And I love it here. I love that I'm doing this.

This video, albeit rushed, is/was mostly to characterize the ups and downs; the duality of any country, any people and my experience with it. The protests, the poor, the illusion of lack - the grateful, the compassionate, the happy, the rich in spirit. This is humanity. We all want the same things. And we carry on.

Amid the holiday season, where a typical Walmart scene is this - I wanted to remind my fellow Americans - they have it SO GOOD. Ridiculously good. And somehow, a large proportion are ill with unhappiness, greed, and glutton. If you have a hot shower, I don't want to hear it. Just be thankful for what you got because a lot of people, everywhere, have less and are happy with that. What's your excuse?

Happy Holidays, America.

From little old me in Thailand.

Reading up on the rights of my peepz in Thailand. Great article in "The Magazine." It's looking promising but still have a ways to go!

#gayrights #lgbtq #humanrights #thailand #gaymarriage

But That's Alright

I saw something that reminded me of her today and I cried. For the first time in Thailand, I cried, and it wasn't because my sink fell off the wall or I had to take another cold shower or I had a rough day at school or I mistakenly ordered an esophagus-burning meal or I got lost or the instant coffee didn't wake me up or I forgot to bring toilet paper to the club or I stubbed my toe or I crashed my motorbike or there's a spider in my bed. Some people you never get over. But that's alright. It's alright.

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