i'm alive

Living with mental illness in the most entertaining way possible.

[aliveandpleasant]

I thought you were unhappy because I haven’t done enough for you. Then I realized that you are the one who is not allowing yourself to be happy. I am done helping you and feeling guilty that your life in shambles.

[aliveandpleasant]

[aliveandpleasant]

im afraid of going back to indo

Not just because of how nervous I am about the visa stamping to the US, but also mentally. I am afraid of not being able to cope with sadness when I’m back in Indonesia. I am afraid that something is going to trigger me into a depressive or a suicidal episode and I won’t be able to crawl back. I’m so scared because I won’t have the people I usually have right here in the US. I am afraid I won’t have the resources anymore.

I am just afraid that I’ll kill myself over where. Just like how I wanted to last time.

[aliveandpleasant]

I skipped work today lol

I mean, I just told them i’m sick and said i’ll get back to work but i never did. I mean it’s not like they care. it’s a pretty chill work place and it’s the day right before thanksgiving so there isn’t much work to do anyways. 

I had been basically feeling burnt out lately. Not because of the WORK but because of the information overload I needed to do as a software engineer.. I just am not like other people when I can just geek out about computers forever. I really want to learn other things.

Right now I feel like i want to write and read so much more. I never realized how much of an art it is and how much I enjoy it. I wish i had more time just to take a break and do this in my free time instead of feeling like i need to keep crying because i have to keep up my job. sometimes i do feel like im on the verge of getting fired. but then again i’m an awesome employee and the thought of getting fired is just my brain filling me up with negative thoughts.

honestly when i took off today, I feel super guilty about myself. like what if there’s something at work and i’m just not there. i mean, 80% of success is just showing up right? meh, i just feel awful a little bit when it was 11AM and I wasn’t working. I guess I’m just not used to being offline from work when it’s a work day. 

Honestly I needed it though. I’ve been extremely sad and depressed for the past few days because it’s all just been too much. I don’t want to go to work. I don’t want to be in that fucking 24/7 support room, feeling like I’m being enslaved. i feel bad for walmart employees for not being able to spend time with their families during thanksgiving. It’s horrible and in any way I do not support any of this.

I’m just mad I guess. And when I’m mad, my emotions turn towards sadness because I don’t really know how to deal with being angry. I know how to cry, but not be angry.

But all in all I am grateful that I took the day off today. I wasn’t feeling good. Bf is about to come and i’m super excited to spend thanksgiving with him <3

[aliveandpleasant]

I feel useless

I am tired. I feel defeated. I feel like I’m just a person without any kind of worth.

I know that my self worth shouldn’t be based on successes. I know my self worth doesn’t depend on how much money or how many people like me. I just feel awful lately because I can’t like stuff the way other people like their stuff. At work I just see people being passionate about their job (they might not be, but that’s how I’m seeing it right now.) I see my friends being super passionate about their lives. And I’m just sitting here doing my homework or some shit. I feel like i can’t and have never achieved anything significant. I feel like I never will. Everyone is achieving things in their own way. But I don’t do that. And therefore I feel useless.

How do I stop using awards as metrics of my happiness? I don’t like it when I am just infuriated with numbers and shit like that. I don’t like being measured by my capabilities compared to others. I don’t like comparing myself to others. But then why do I envy those who get awards and recognition?and then I want them. Even though I probably actually don’t want them. I just feel like a loser. Like a dust in the wind. Like a waste of space. I feel unnecessary. I’m just here because I was already here and I’m just not supposed to die. I am just expected to live. I’m just here to feed consumerism and enforce it by working in a huge ass retail company whose philosophy I question a lot. I feel like I’m just a dot. But sometimes dots are important periods in punctuation. I just feel even less than that. I feel like nothing. I feel that my life force is nothing but light getting sucked into a black hole. I feel like it doesn’t matter if I had existed. I’m just as important as some aborted baby hundreds of years ago. No importance, no significance, nothing to remember.

I don’t feel okay. I feel like crying the whole night. I imagine that there is somebody holding me because I’m just sad. I imagine crying over their shoulder as they tell me everything is going to be okay. I’ve survived this world long enough to know I’ve survived the things I’ve been challenged with.

I imagine going to therapy. I haven’t been in therapy in a while because I’ve been okay. I’m just not okay tonight. And I haven’t been okay when I am burnt out at work. I just feel like I am not necessary. I imagine telling my therapist that I am stressed out at work and I don’t know why people are able to be so awesome at their jobs. And I imagine her telling me that I compare myself too much to others; which had been a long-standing behavior of mine, ever since I’ve existed.

How do I accept that I’m different from anyone else? How do I accept that some people would get things that I won’t? How do I recognize that I might have something other people don’t. I am upset that it’s so hard for my to recognize my own worth. I am frustrated by how much I tend to criticize myself non stop. I hate that I can’t stop finding faults in myself. Why am I my worst enemy? Why can’t I accept my own being and just let me be?

I just feel sad. I’m still crying. I don’t even know why. I don’t know why I’m crying over myself being so pathetic.

[aliveandpleasant]

On feeling lonely

I think I’ve been struggling with feeling like I have nobody lately. The statement that “I have nobody” is completely wrong though. I do have people. I have my sister, my best friends in Indonesia and in India, I have my boyfriend, I have my friend in Alexandria. But it just never seems enough I think. Because who’s going to respond to me at 2pm in the middle of the day or something like that.. And my boyfriend doesn’t seem to be the always available type which is completely understandable but it sometimes comes off to me as he’s just too busy all the time. I dunno, I just generally don’t believe in the Im too busy all the time person. You jsut have different priorities, and that’s like completely fine. It’s just that I get sad in bursts of time that I can’t pinpoint and I jsut feel scared like what if i’m going really bad and there’s nobdoy to stop me or that I don’t want to get help from anyone because i feel like im bothering them? i think that whenever i ask for help from my bf, i just feel like im bothering him all the time. he did say that he doesn’t really wanna drive over to my house because the drive is time wasted. i mean i felt like he coulda worded it differently but that’s how he felt and i think its reasonable but it just goes to enforce my belief that im just bothering people by being sad.

last friday i was just feeling extremely awful because hoa couldn’t come over. im not sure what got into me. i think i was just really stressed out. I tried to handle it on my own but i just couldnt so i ubered to his place and just cried and be stressed out there. but being with hoa helped me go through the next day. 

He’s really awesoeme and amazing for letting me do that.. but im just concerned about myself i guess. what if he’s not there anymore? how am i gonna cope, what if i decided to overdose or cut myself again, i dont know if i can ever come back from it again the second time around. im just scared. scared if i get too clingy and he hates it. scared that i need him too much while he has his own life. im scared of robbing his life.

but at the same time, he is my boyfriend, so i have the right to take his time right? i think that since he’s a person i am the most intimate with, i just feel like he’s a great person for me to just relieve myself, because that’s the consequence of having him as my boyfriend. so i guess the qeustions is, is he comfortable with me spilling out like that? i try not to get emotional too often. but am i tryig not to get emotional for myself or is it for him? i think it’s mostly for myself. but also yeah i guess to him because he’s important to me. well, i guess in other words is that he provides me more motivation to be my best self. not sure why. i guess i just admire him.

with that, can i say that i am dependent on him? i mean, i guess i am and i think that’s fine. i guess im just afraid of a point in our relationship where im just like, too much. i can’t handle it and he’s the only one available at that time. i just want friends i guess and i dont know where to get them. sometimes im upset because i have nobody to talk to.

[aliveandpleasant]

when somebody criticizes your work, it does not mean that they are criticizing you. Unless when they clearly are, in which case, fuck them in the ass. Or laugh at them. Or something. Just don't tell yourself you're not good enough.

Pissed off me from today.

[aliveandpleasant]

Don’t let myself believe that there is no hope and there is no future for me.

[aliveandpleasant]

small successes

i’ve been feeling bad lately. but here are my small successes:

1. i drove from and to breakfast today with bf. i was feeling bad but i recovered and was able to drive home.

2. i took a shower

3. i studied today

4. i went to safeway to pick up some snacks and fruits

5. i am not cutting myself/having impulses to overdose; it’s been 1.5 yrs clean!

6. even though i’ve been really sad, i haven’t been suicidal. i think that i’ve tried a lot to get to where i am right now; i want to see my efforts bear fruits. 

7. i think im a hardworker even with mental illness. 

just keep hanging in there.

[aliveandpleasant]

working from home

i was feeling awful last night and couldn’t stop crying about driving again. i feel much better now though that I don’t have to see anyone at work today.

[aliveandpleasant]

I’ve been feeling awful

Not to the point of suicide fortunately. But I’ve been feeling degraded by myself about driving. I can easily say it’s my main stressor and trigger right now. It just feels like everybody is all well and good with driving but not me. I feel like a loser going through all of this. It makes me feel like I’m the only one stupid and everyone had the skill to do everything and I don’t and I feel so guilty and angry at myself for being such a failure in this. I feel like I can’t drive by myself ever. I feel useless and without future. I wish I could just not wan to drive. But I want to. I want to be able to be independent and finally be the one assisting people with transportation. But I don’t know about that if any one of us ends up in death. I just feel like I’m slow and I don’t know what to do. It’s not like a trigger I can make for myself. I just feel awful. Whenever I start driving I have confidence but once something scares me I immediately go back to my shell and just not ever do anything and I’m paralyzed and i can’t move. I feel like a total idiot. why am I doing all of this anyway? Why do I have hopes and courage and expectations while it all hurts me. I am scared I’m afraid I don’t know what to do. I feel untrusted and sick. I don’t like myself and I don’t see why anyone ever should.

[aliveandpleasant]

I wasn’t able to sleep at all

It’s 6:05 am right now. I couldn’t sleep for the life of me. All night I was feeling like I was half asleep. It also doesn’t help when my anxiety dreams include things like I can’t sleep. My heart is beating so fast.

Also somehow I feel guilty because I took an off day yesterday and missed a lot of good stuff. Sigh.

[aliveandpleasant]

Taking an off day

I went to the sleep doctor this morning. Looks like I’ll soon be having a sleep study, where I’m hooked to machines. I dunno. I’ll see.

I also decided to take a day off work because I’ve been so stressed out lately with driving, driving classes, possible driving exams, figuring out relationship stuff on my end because I tend to think that everything is my fault (which is untrue), so mostly just working on myself and getting myself on track mentally and try to keep myself mentally stable.

I’m in the metro right now. I bought a little backpack from Marshall’s because I hate having to carry around my water bottle.

Heading to Tyson’s for some window shopping and possibly get a gift for somebody ? Thinking about well being of others make it easy for me to get out of my head.

Just gonna peruse, watch a movie probably.

And then possibly do homework and volunteer if I feel well enough.

Proud of my self for being brave in taking a whole day off. Whew.

[aliveandpleasant]

Hoa taught me driving today

He taught me driving today and I feel great. So grateful that he’s willing to give me all of this. He’s so kind ❤️

[aliveandpleasant]

I always feel like I can do more

I think that’s where most of my anxiety comes from at least. Just feeling like nothing is enough. And I feel like I’m a failure if I’m not able to achieve my own expectations. I don’t know. It feels like sometimes I’m crazy but at the same time it gives me anxiety from resting and that’s not that good either. Really what is good? There is not really a definition to what good is. There can always be better. I think it’s important to know when you need to stop because you’re overexerting yourself somehow.

[aliveandpleasant]

My head hurts

My head hurts when I woke up today... Im meeting with a sleep doctor next week, hopefully that will work out ;(

[aliveandpleasant]

I’m so tired

I’ve been working on my school projects in a way that I’m just overachieving lol. Idk what the hell im doing. I’m so tired now.