DOWN AND OUT @alivingmel - Tumblr Blog

Hi again, so yeah. . . NOT DOING GREAT, this new med sucks shit so far, having more mouth sores and gut issues than the IV chemo. . . But the effect on my feet is absolutely the worst, it already feels like I'm walking on burning sand and it's barely been four weeks. . . Supposedly the side effects from Xeloda aren't as cumulative as other chemo meds, but I just finished the first cycle and the first week of the second cycle has definitely been worse. :/

I don't understand how I can manage to get through Adriamycin, one of the infamously brutal chemo meds, without experiencing half as many side effects as many people do. . . And then have some oral chemo kick my ass like this??? What the fuck.

I ran out of time covered by MA's medical leave act, and though my union covers short term disability. . . It pays half as much, and the other checks were already 3/4 of my original (meager) paycheck. I am extremely grateful that my health insurance has covered everything related to treatment, but expenses outside of that are killing me right now. I really need to go back to work, but I have to be on my feet all day, doing a lot of physical work that left my feet sore on a GOOD day. There's no way I can go back to working five days a week until I get these side effects under control. :'[

I REALLY don't like to ask for help because I am a creature full of shame and misplaced pride, but my financial situation was already precarious before this started so now I am uhhh. . . Kinda fucked!!! My cousin was kind enough to set a Gofundme (thank god, cuz I don't think I could've willed myself to do one myself) but I'm hesitant to share it around (partly because it unintentionally misgenders me lmao, I'm not out to my family about being nonbinary so it's not like my cousin did it on purpose). I know that's small potatoes but I'm just a nervous wreck about all of this. . .

IDK WHAT TO DO, let me think about it and I'll make a post later this week. . . I'd like to find a way people can donate and I can send them something in return. . . Thank you for your continued support, patience, and well wishes, it means a lot to me. 💖

Sorry for disappearing again, I've admittedly been bummed out. . . I got myself excited about surgery being the grand finale of my treatment but alas, the adjuvant chemotherapy is going to be more intense and drawn-out than I expected. . .

There was only a 1.8 mm speck of cancer left in my breast after the neoadjuvant chemo and my RCB (residual cancer burden) score is a little over 1 (out of 3), which was all great news! But because I didn't quite reach pCR (pathologic complete response, as in chemo totally destroying all traces of cancer), my oncologist suggested I take an oral chemo drug (in addition to four remaining infusions of Keytruda that I already anticipated) to reduce my risk of recurrence even more.

Obviously, I want to minimize the chances of ever having to suffer through this shit again, but. . . Having to endure even more shitty side effects, both familiar (fatigue and bowel issues) and new (hand and foot syndrome??? what the fuck is that all about) for months, all the way through the new year. . . I'm just feeling very tired right now, guh. I just wanted things to go back to normal, but no such luck.

@kommunistkaitou I'm blessed to have a thriving woolly bear population in my yard! In addition to the giant and brown/tan varities, I also find a lot of yellow bears.

(The woolly crew earlier this year. . . The yellow gal has since pupated and eclosed as a Virginia tiger moth.)

But in regards to finding the classic variety of woolly bear (the caterpillar of the isabella tiger moth), your want to keep your eyes on the ground. I have the best luck looking under objects near patches of grass, dandelions, plantains, and other weeds they like to eat. For example, I found the three in that video underneath a pot together! The year before I found a bunch under my bird bath. So, try looking under logs, rocks, and miscellaneous junk near their preferred food plants.

As the weather gets colder, they also start wandering around more as they seek out a good spot to hibernate over the winter (in northern parts of the country, at least). You have a greater chance of running into one later in the fall.

However, woolly bears must be a lot harder to find in suburban areas where lawn cultists use Roundup on their favorite snacks. . . Depending on where you live, you might not be seeing as many due to environmentally unfriendly landscaping practices nearby. :(

#yet another reason to hate lawn culture: inhospitable to everyone's friend the woolly bear

alivingmel

Thinking of bug characters, I keep thinking back to when I started screwing with this old character* awhile back and how I've really got to finalize a redesign. . . Almost made it with the far left.

(*If you remember this character even vaguely, I'm impressed and maybe a little freaked out. Last time I posted art of them, phew, lemme see. . . Wait. . . 2011? On DeviantART???)

#Ferry's redesign is actually loosely based off of a giant leopard moth #which is not super apparent because most of their “spots” (eye critters) are. . . somewhere else lol #and the rest of the inspiration is hidden under their “robes” (wings). . .#BUT Y'KNOW

alivingmel

ATTEMPTED TO TAKE A GLAMOUR SHOT OF MY FINAL CATERPILLARS OF THE SEASON, but woolly bears are an uncontrollable force of nature that Cannot Be Stopped.

One of the best bits from my caterpillar field guide: "Why they wander is puzzling because the Woolly Bear can eat virtually anything and place themselves at risk when moving about". They just gotta MOVE and they don't know why!!!

alivingmel

My extra large child is an (appropriately named) giant woolly bear, who grows up to be my favorite local moth, the giant leopard moth. I kept finding traces of them in my yard. . . Two corpses (one with a parasitoid cocoon inside) and numerous molts. . . I finally found a live one at the end of July, right after finishing chemo. MY TWO LONGEST ORDEALS OF THE YEAR FINISHED VICTORIOUSLY. . .

ATTEMPTED TO TAKE A GLAMOUR SHOT OF MY FINAL CATERPILLARS OF THE SEASON, but woolly bears are an uncontrollable force of nature that Cannot Be Stopped.

One of the best bits from my caterpillar field guide: "Why they wander is puzzling because the Woolly Bear can eat virtually anything and place themselves at risk when moving about". They just gotta MOVE and they don't know why!!!

#caterpillar #bugblr

Thinking of bug characters, I keep thinking back to when I started screwing with this old character* awhile back and how I've really got to finalize a redesign. . . Almost made it with the far left.

(*If you remember this character even vaguely, I'm impressed and maybe a little freaked out. Last time I posted art of them, phew, lemme see. . . Wait. . . 2011? On DeviantART???)

#gettin old n crusty #my horrible characters #ferry #fiends

chameleocoonj

Here we go again! 🐛🐜🐞🪲🦟🐌🕷️🦂🐝🦗🪱🦋🪰🪳

#OH I want to do this but drawing is so hard rn and I have to finish something else first. . .#I AM SO IMPATIENT FOR MY CHEST TO HEAL #SO ITCHY!!!

MY TITS ARE OFFICIALLY GONE. . . And hopefully any remaining cancer cells along with them. (The two lymph nodes they removed were clean, so that's a good sign.)

CAN'T WAIT TO GET THESE GROSS FUCKING DRAINS OUT so I can appreciate wearing tank tops and button-ups without dysphoria ruining it for me!!!

#too sleepy to go on a rant now but I have something to yell about later ok