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50 States of McMansion Hell: Salt Lake County, Utah

Howdy, folks! My poor teeth are finally all healed up, so in celebration, I have decided to sink them Sunny Baudelaire-style into this ridiculous house:

This 1995 “Victorian” features 6 bedrooms and 5 bathrooms, totaling around 6700 square feet. It can be your humble abode for a modest $1.7 million USD.

Lawyer Foyer

Seriously, I don’t know why they didn’t just enclose the staircase, because that lone beam looks both anticlimactic and structurally unsettling. Also it doesn’t line up with the post at the top of the stairs. I am unusually frustrated by this.

Office

Whomst among us did not have binders full of women in middle school and by binders full of women I mean trapper keepers full of Bleach yuri fanfic? (clears throat) anyways, happy bisexual visibility month

Great Room

Okay so the other two walls in this room are covered with unsettlingly HUGE family portraits that would have taken a lot of time and effort to block out the faces. Anyways, I just want you to know that this is only 1/3rd of the total family portraiture in this space.

Dining Room

i don’t even see any coasters for drinks. i have never before witnessed such recklessness.

Kitchen

ok so I watched an entire week’s worth of HGTV at my parents’ house after getting my wisdom teeth pulled and literally every kitchen has to be white or gray. this pearlescent nonsense has to be a global conspiracy orchestrated by none other than,,, mr. clean.

Den

Oreo cookie commercial: you’ve heard of stuffed. but have you heard of “double stuffed?” Sofa designer for La-Z-Boy: go on

Master Bedroom

(philosopher voice): what is the point of a mirror if you are facing away from it?

(sadly there are no pictures of the master bathroom, so we’re moving on to the last room of the house)

Rec Room

the fifties were lame, (slowly making the entire internet mad) like come on brutalism was barely even a thing then

alright alright, time to wrap this bad boy up:

Rear Exterior

is this technically a 3 car garage? can a car even fit in that garage? next time, on The X Files (theme plays)

Well folks, that does it for Utah! I’m heading to Finland next week (!!!), but stay tuned for Vermont upon my return!

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Copyright Disclaimer: All photographs are used in this post under fair use for the purposes of education, satire, and parody, consistent with 17 USC §107. Manipulated photos are considered derivative work and are Copyright © 2018 McMansion Hell. Please email [email protected] before using these images on another site. (am v chill about this)

allabouttheweirdness-blog

The sign that seems to say “Funkhouse” may actually say “Bunkhouse”? Because I’ve never heard of a funkhouse.

movedto-nonbinarytyto-deactivat

I went through 275 pages of my video tag to find these vines among others

sapphirecutie1995-deactivated20

this is a portal to a better place

The 12 Shopping Days of Christmas

On the first day of Christmas, a shopper said to me: Can I speak to a manager?

On the second day of Christmas, a shopper said to me: I have two groupons & can I speak to a manager?

On the third day of Christmas, a shopper said to me: I have three special orders & two groupons, & can I speak to a manager?

On the fourth day of Christmas, a shopper said to me: Your shelves are way too high, I have three special orders & two groupons, & can I speak to a manager? On the fifth day of Christmas, a shopper said to me: I DON'T LIKE YOUR--TONE! Your shelves are way too high, I have three special orders & two groupons, & can I speak to a manager? On the 6th day of Christmas, a shopper said to me: Carry these to my car & I, DON'T LIKE YOUR--TONE! Your shelves are way too high, I have three special orders & two groupons, & can I speak to a manager? On the 7th day of Christmas, a shopper said to me: I can’t use this chip reader, Carry these to my car & I, DON'T LIKE YOUR--TONE! Your shelves are way too high, I have three special orders & two groupons, & can I speak to a manager? On the 8th day of Christmas, a shopper said to me: My card can’t be declined, I canít use this chip reader, Carry these to my car & I, DON'T LIKE YOUR--TONE! Your shelves are way too high, I have three special orders & two groupons, & can I speak to a manager? On the 9th day of Christmas, a shopper said to me: Just go look in your storeroom, My card can’t be declined, I can’t use this chip reader, Carry these to my car & I, DON'T LIKE YOUR--TONE! Your shelves are way too high, I have three special orders & two groupons, & can I speak to a manager? On the 10th day of Christmas, a shopper said to me: The website said you had it, Just go look in your storeroom, My card can’t be declined, I can’t use this chip reader, Carry these to my car & I, DON'T LIKE YOUR--TONE! Your shelves are way too high, I have three special orders & two groupons, & can I speak to a manager? On the 11th day of Christmas, a shopper said to me: The other store lets me do this, The website said you had it, Just go look in your storeroom, My card can’t be declined, I can’t use this chip reader, Carry these to my car & I, DON'T LIKE YOUR--TONE! Your shelves are way too high, I have three special orders & two groupons, & can I speak to a manager? On the 12th day of Christmas, a shopper said to me: You can’t be closing now! The other store lets me do this, The website said you had it, Just go look in your storeroom, My card can’t be declined, I can’t use this chip reader, Carry these to my car & I, DON'T LIKE YOUR--TONE! Your shelves are way too high, I have three special orders & two groupons, & can I speak to a manager?

#christmas #retail #oh god #black friday #retail employees #work

fuzzycricket

Millennials are going to kill the telemarketing and phone scam industries because I don’t know about y'all but I don’t even answer the phone for my own mother, if you need me you’re texting me

allabouttheweirdness-blog

This is why telemarketers hit up old people with landlines: they actually answer the phone with or without caller ID.

xavierfiles-blog

Beware the babysitter

allabouttheweirdness-blog

Guest starring David Caruso, but okay

diamondsuperstar

Joseph Christiansen Secret/Cult Ending Manuscript

I went digging through the Level 18 gibberish and sorted out all the dialogue into a manageable manuscript if anyone is interested in reading this secret wild ride. None of the dialogue is labeled so I did my best to interpret who was saying what so any mistakes are my bad. It took a few hours to put together but I felt like some people would like more than just a summary so here is the full text:

MC will be short for Main Character or your player.

** edit 07/26/17: minor text fixes, better formatting, the insertion of more images (courtesy of purpledragon42) , and insert of a working readmore **

Level 18- Joseph Bad Ending or True Ending ( Who knows? )

This appears to take place after MC and Joseph Christiansen engage in sex in the yacht, except you don’t wake up to what you expect. This takes place in Cult_Dungeon1.

(Photo Credits: Game Grumps)

START: You’re A Monster

MC:

Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaawn. What time is it? Must have been asleep for ages. I wonder what will happen now that Mary is gone? What about Joseph’s kids? And how will Amanda feel about all this? That’s what matters… . Well, we all have each other. I guess time will tell, right? Better get up and greet the day.

Am I tied up?! What the hell?! How did I get here? What’s going on?! Joseph? Anybody?

You’re probably just dreaming. Why would there be a… Don’t panic… . a dungeon. An evil dungeon. Why would there be an evil dungeon here? This can’t be real. Maybe I had too much Twilight Rouge. I’m dreaming, or something.