My coming out letter to my psychologist
I decided to write, because in the last few weeks I would come here, wanting to talk about something specific, but by the time the appointment started, I would chicken out, starting to talk about other stuff, and only briefly mentioned this thing. So I write, because if I'm reading, then I can't escape the script I need to follow in order to talk about this today.
Some time ago I told you about my lack of gender identification. That was how I felt some time ago. Later I told you that I felt like I was leaning more to the male side. All of this was true at some point in my past.
But today I understand that these were phases in my self-acceptance process. And today I feel freer to sel-accept me as a transgender person. More especifically, a non-binary transgender man.
I'm a trans man because when I was born, the doctor declared that I was a girl, based only on my genitalia. My documents, my socialization, my name, the way my parents raised me... All of it was based on this mistake made by medicine. Despite of the fact that between my legs there's an organ considered to be female, my gender isn't there. My gender can be found in my head, in my feelings, in the way I see the world, and I see myself. And in all of these aspects, I am a man. And it isn't new. I remember wanting to "be a boy" since I was 3 or 4 years old. And the memories aren't occasional.
It took me a long time to understand myself, but today I understand me as a man. This is how I understand myself most of the time. There are some moments, not very often, that I realize there are some fluctuations in my gender perception - or, as it is normally said in gender discussions, I have a certain degree of gender fluidity. It isn't a lot, and it isn't intense, but it is enough for me to say I am non-binary. Most of the time, I feel I am a man. But there are moments when I feel agender. And in rare circumstances, I feel like a woman. This is how I see my gender spectrum today, with all these changes.
Being a trans man, there are moments when I feel bad. I suffer from dysphoria, mainly about my chest - I have already spoken to you about it. But this isn't the only thing that triggers my dysphoria: my voice is too high, my shoulders are narrow, my hips are large.
On the internet, I have read a lot, and also watched videos by other trans guys. I can't explain how much I identify with the stories told in those videos. Sometimes, these videos trigger my dysphoria, other times they bring me inspiration. When I watch videos of trans men who already take testosterone, sometimes I feel dysphoric, because I wanted to be in their place, but there are times when I see them and I think "that's how I want to be". And when I watch videos of guys who haven't started the hormonal therapy yet, but are already out as men to the world, I have similar feelings. There is a discomfort, because I'm still hiding behind the name my parents gave me when I was born; I get inspired, because I see that it's possible to live outside this closet.
I want to go around running around the world and screaming "Look at me, I am a man!". But I won't do it. That's not what I do. But I want to.
Well, I know you probably want to talk about the things I am saying, so I'll just add one last thing: as you know, I never liked the name my parents gave me. "Cris" is a little better, but the truth is that I don't like any of the names -male or female- that begin with this syllable. So I chose a new name for me, my social name.
Allan means "soul elevated to heaven". It means "harmony". It means "handsome". And it also means "rock", or "stone" (not rock like in "rock music, although it would be cool). So, with this name, I am twice as firm as a rock, because it's in my name and in my last name - Rocha, which means "rock", in Portuguese. And because I know that I need to be stronger (as it's not easy to be a transgender person), being Allan suits me well.
So, that is what I had to say. From now on, I go ahead without a script.
