[VEERY LONG NON-RANT POST]
2025 art summary on my birthday but it's all Cole Baxter because I wasn't able to make art in all of the months this year, and apparently my OC is my whole personality at this point, so I wanna show him off as much as possible LOL (also we share the same birthday!!!!)
this year was, to say the least, fucking weird. I hadn't been able to make as much art as I could for the past couple years because, if you've been friends with me a while, you would know that I've become hyperfocused on writing - for my Silent Hill fanfic that I've been hacking away at since 2023 to be specific. aside from that, I've (re)encountered mental health challenges that made it impossible for me to do anything else but to simply survive the day because more often than not, getting out of bed was the hardest thing I've had to do just to live. paraphrasing Cormac McCarthy's The Road here, but I wanna quote the line, "I got out of bed" as an answer to the question, "what's the bravest thing you've ever done in your life?" because this whole scene resonated with me the moment I encountered it in that wonderful fucking book (thus making it my most favourite novel to have ever existed EVER).
you know... I do not remember the exact moment I started hyperfixating on my OC Cole again. I kind of "abandoned" him for a while. I dunno why. guess fanfiction took so much hold of me I got bored just at the thought of writing original fiction. sure, the catalyst was last year when I finally decided that Cole's sexuality needed a revamp, because I wanted him to be as queer as I am as he was supposedly THAT character that represented me in all my forms and all the years of me being alive ever since I conceived him in 2017 - my persona, if you will. but ever since I decided he was a gay man and that he'd end up with my very first gay character, Jared Pate, something happened. not only did he become his own person, he EVOLVED. redesigns, music taste change, personality development and just the way I treated him. I remembered his story again, and how I would deal with it with Jared as the true love interest now, but it wouldn't get THAT wild until early this year when I randomly tested out how I'd be writing the opening of his story with Jared in mind. suddenly I discovered how I would love to tackle this future novel, and while it might not look 'conventional' compared to most books you'd often see, I am determined to see it through to the end. but that obsession to treating his story differently really kicked it all off. but also another thing happened, actually.
I discovered this wonderful fucking game called Baldur's Gate 3.
you know what happened. probably. I went through a period of sharing nothing but screenshots of his face + Jared because they're both so beautiful and I love them with all my heart and then suddenly - every single game with character customization was all a Cole x Jared simulator because I didn't want to see anybody else in my games but them, and only them.
Cole especially helped during a very odd and trying time for me this year - I lost my job in the duration of three months. I was on pause for a while, to be called back later in the event projects came rushing in again (which it luckily did just this October), and during that three-month break I was terrified for myself. no prospects, barely any money, incredibly depressed, with no reassurance that I'd be called back to my old job and looking for new ones was so incredibly fucking hard. it was also during this time that I picked up art again - drawing and drawing, and every subject I drew was Cole, and only Cole (until I opened commissions), because like in 2017, he was my saving grace. I drew Jared quite a lot too, but apparently I play favourites, which makes me uncomfortable sometimes thinking how much Jared means to me too as my first gay OC who wasn't originally supposed to have the most fulfilling (but not tragic) ending. but this is why I wanted to make an art summary, but instead of doing it traditionally, I wanted to share all of the (digital) art I have made of my man Cole for this year as a tribute to him.
as if my new fern tattoo isn't tribute enough.
Cole was there when I moved to a new college after dropping out because of a failure during my four years in another university. Cole was there when COVID hit and I wanted to spend some time developing his story. Cole was there when I forgot he existed for a while because fanfics are apparently pretty goddamn fun to write. Cole was there when I realized I wanted to be unapologetically gay and I decided he should be gay, too. Cole was there this year when I hit the annual existential crisis which, to summarize, was mostly, "I don't know what I want with my life anymore because I have no dreams and ambitions left." Cole is here now and I rediscovered him and I'm getting emotional just writing all of this down.
no wonder he's the favourite, I confess. as I evolved, he did too, albeit very quietly. very patiently, as I forgot about him. and I hope in the next year and more that I will keep making more art of him. writing more AUs for him. hell, writing poetry for him which all just talks about, "I love you and I wish you were real."
I am a hopeless romantic and the object of my adoration is one fictional, beautiful man.
thanks, Bax. thank you for saving me. love ya.
p.s. one of these days I'm gonna write a love letter to Jared, too, 'cause he's my first gay OC and he's the first one to open my eyes to how okay it is to actually be queer.
