My Journal

This is my daily journal of everything going on in my life.

[allisonjournals]

It’s been a while since I updated on my health!

My rheumatologist appointment isn’t until August 26th, so I still have no difinitive answers. However, I’ve been feeling so amazing. Whatever was going on, maybe it was a flare... but I’ve been feeling SO, unbelievably great.

With that being said, a little over a week ago I found out that I was pregnant with my FIRST! I was shocked, to say the least! I told my husband instantly, and a few days later I told my sister. A few days after that my husband told his best friend. I am about 6 weeks along now! And I have my 8 week ultrasound in 2 weeks! To be honest, I can’t even believe I’m typing this. I can’t believe this is reality. Yet, I do believe it - it’s real, it’s a miracle, and I’m so thankful. To be real and raw, I’m nervous. We were using “natural family planning,” as a form of contraception. I was tracking my cycles. We had done so successfully until now 😂 I was mistaken on some dates and my body ovulated earlier than I anticipated and here we are! This is NOT to say our baby isn’t wanted. They were just not on the agenda, and as we know, our “plans” are not always the same as God’s plans. If I could have had my way, we would have waited 6 months to try, or at least until I was nearly graduated from graduate school. Right now, my estimated due date is AWFULLY close to my graduation, meaning that I’ll be *very pregnant in my final semester of graduate school. This is doable, but a little ambitious 😅 As these times get closer, my husband and I will make the decision of what is best for us. Right now, I would like to graduate ASAP, so that after baby is born - I could potentially find a job after a few months and start working. This is just in the back of my mind, I’m not making any plans - but I’m thinking about what options we have. I’m so, so, so thankful we have such supportive and loving family members and friends. Because if I’m honest, we are not as financially stable as I would have liked to be before a baby. We have ~8 months, but it’s still not what I was expecting. So, I’m adjusting my priorities, our financial situation, and looking to be a frugal mama! My husband and I decided not to tell the parents until after the first ultrasound - and then we can tell close friends and other family. At first I thought of waiting until after the 12 week mark, but I realized I NEED prayers and support from my friends and family and if anything were to happen we would need a support system to lean on. I’m so excited. I can’t even imagine what it’ll be like to be a mom, to see my husband as a dad, but I know it’ll be so beautiful. I did have a moment of complete anxiety, which overtook me. I had convinced myself that something was wrong, and I might lose the baby. While this may be possible, I gave into the fear for days. I begged God to take it away, but I had nightmares of it happening. Each day I looked for comfort, something to give me some kind of control or understanding. After days of praying and repenting for my lack of faith, I started to flip my anxiety into praise. Praise for a miracle baby! Praise for a healthy body. Everything. I can say now that when a bout of anxiety comes now I’m much more equipped to lean into faith in my God who destroys fear. I have to keep trusting in Him throughout this pregnancy and journey to motherhood - without it I would fail. I’m so thankful that I have a gracious and merciful Father. A Father who has gifted me to carry a new soul, his child, and to raise them with my husband! I have so much more I could say, but I’m just so excited and happy.

[allisonjournals]

Woke up in a haze...

A cigarette?

No, this is my head.

One leg at a time, painfully.

Inching my way to the starting line.

If only I had my morning coffee.

At the crack of the gun,

Like a snail, I slowly begin.

Searching for the ambition.

No matter what I accomplish,

Inevitably, this day, too, will finish.

The sun sets, and I crawl back into bed.

Ready for another try.

Waiting to wake with the sound of

The morning birds in my ears.

With a touch of

Lilac smell in my nose.

With the cool breeze on

My warm body, embedded in

Pillows and blankets.

I long for a fresh breath,

A cool, tender, smile.

For a comfort beyond description.

For that, I keep waiting, hoping, anticipating.

Until then.

[allisonjournals]

My limited understanding of my results:

At best: I have rheumatoid arthritis

At medium worst: I have lupus

At absolute worst: my hematologist-oncologist sent me away to wait for 5 months for a rheumatologist appointment for them to send me back to get a bone marrow biopsy and check for cancer

My wish is that it’s all just fake. My fatigue. Aches and pains. Constant infections. Just some cruel dream.

But the truth of it is that I have antinuclear antibodies 1:320 titer, and I have almost no IgA... and high IgG, meaning there is definitely something wrong.

Well, hoping for the best. I know I’m immune compromised, at least.

[allisonjournals]

Rollercoaster x2

I wish I had known... That rheumatologists have a long wait for appointments. Longer than my hematologist-oncologist, that’s for sure! It took two weeks to wait for a call for an appointment at at my hematologist. BUT the appointment was scheduled for two DAYS after I received the call!  For the hematologist appointment, on the other hand, I waited only one week for a call. BUT my appointment is in 5 months...

Now I know. Now I know that I won’t know anything for at least 5 months - unless something else happens, and I need to go to my primary care physician... During these times, though, I pray that I just get better... and that this whole thing blows over.

[allisonjournals]

No calls from a rheumatologist yet. I’m hoping by the end of next week (at the very least), I will hear something. If not, I will call my hematologist to see what’s going on. I was never told which rheumatologist I was being referred to, which hospital, or which city.

[allisonjournals]

Finally, some peace of mind... kind of!

I got a call back from the nurse. She told me the kinds of tests they had run and told me that some or them had come back and she would ask the doctor to look at them for her so she could call me back with any important information. She mentioned they tested for HIV, RA, Antinuclear Antibodies (ANA), and others that I was unfamiliar with.

She called back later to tell me that I tested positive for ANA and they are referring me to a rheumatologist. She told me I would be receiving a call for an appointment.

I could tell she was in a rush, so I didn’t ask the questions I really wanted to

HOW LONG will this take? WHERE will the rheumatologist be located? and WHAT could this mean?

So, here I am waiting again, but I’m a little relieved. Instead of cancer as a main concern, it appears to be more focused on autoimmune diseases, which aren’t the BEST possible diagnoses, but I feel they would be better than being told I have cancer.

And so the wait continues. :)

[allisonjournals]

This morning at 8:20 I called the doctor to ask my questions. I’m pretty unaware of how this usually goes.

I called, dialed the extension for my doctor. It rang three times and went to voicemail. I was instructed to leave a message with my full name date of birth, etc. The voice then told me not to leave multiple messages unless necessary as it backs up the system and takes longer to get a call back.

I expected a call back today. Maybe I’m foolish. Nope. My guess is that I won’t receive a call until next week or maybe the week after. I really thought if I called in I would reach a nurse or someone to help me find some answers.

Guess I have to keep waiting! Go figure.

[allisonjournals]

Rollercoaster.

That’s what this journey has been this past month or two. I went to my hematologist appointment today. It was at a cancer center. I’ll lay out my time there for my own memory.

I got there at 12:30. Filled out paperwork about myself, my symptoms, my family health history, etc. Around 12:45 I met with a woman who gave me a booklet about the cancer center and information if I had questions. She took my photo and sent me to the lab to get my blood drawn.

In the lab, I had about 8 vials of my blood taken. I’ve been sick and weak the past few months (and I’m on the heavy days of my period) and my arm went numb. I started to feel a little dizzy, but I stayed strong when the phlebotomist told me I had amazing hair. I was shocked, as I had recently cut my hair into a pixie, and it hasn’t looked the best lately. She commented on the shiny color and thickness. I thanked her and felt better, despite my discomfort.

After that I was guided to the floor where my doctor’s office was. Apparently my paperwork got misplaced twice during this moving process. I waited a couple minutes before going into a room. A nurse took my vitals. My normal vitals usually indicate my low blood pressure. Today it was high! My heart rate was 100 BPM. I felt dizzy and a little nervous. I couldn’t slow my heart rate by relaxing and breathing slowly. The nurse told me I had a low grade fever and said a nurse practitioner would be in shortly.

After the nurse practitioner entered she asked why I had stopped in. I told her. I’ve had a history of low white blood cell count, I’ve been sick non stop for three years with various viral infections, sinus infections, uti’s, I’ve had mouth ulcers, prolonged bruising, bone and joint pain. I told her about the history of cancer in my family. Grandpa melanoma, prostate, leukemia. Grandma lymphoma, breast. I told her I’ve been feeling a little sick with a cough and was uncomfortable swallowing because of mucus. I told her my wrist joints were aching. She took notes and said the doctor would come in shortly. This was at 1:34.

Up until this point I was preparing for what I’ve been imagining for weeks. A 20 minute conversation discussing what could be wrong, a possible solution, possible hope for answers. I’ve never been so let down in my life. That sounds so dramatic, but I left feeling more frustrated than anything.

Around 1:40 the doctor entered and asked me how I was feeling. I told him I’ve been sick for 3 months with a viral infection. He asked me where I was from - I told him the city in Alabama. He then asked “where did you grow up?” I told him Minnesota. He then commented on my accent. He proceeded to tell me that my blood counts were completely normal. He said they would run other tests but he didn’t expect to find anything. He told me to make an appointment for a checkup in three months.

And then he left.

I should have asked questions. I should have asked for explanations. But I let him walk out. I was surprised “wow my levels were normal? That’s great but, I still feel sick” I thought. He walked into another patients room as I wanted to ask him questions. I never got my chance. He left around 1:44.

A four minute meeting. Wow.

He never asked if I had any questions. He never acted like he cared about me as a patient. He was get in get out. In my disappointment, I asked the office for a copy of my Complete Blood Count (CBC), just because I couldn’t believe that my levels were normal. When I got them in my hands my heart sank. I’m not a doctor. I fully acknowledge that... I’m not claiming to know more than a hematologist... but...

A month ago my white blood cell count was at 2.8. The normal range is around 4-11. Two weeks later my white blood cell count was 3.3. It was getting better, so I had hoped this time it would be higher.

Today’s appointment, that I waited weeks to get, jumped through insurance hoops and stressful days waiting, hours of driving to arrive...Today, my white blood cell count was 3.1.

Still low. The other numbers were all consistent.

As I said before, I’m not a doctor. Maybe it is normal. But I just wish he had explained it to me. Why is that normal? Isn’t that low for most people? Did he think that number was fluctuating because I have been fighting this infection? Did he forget that I’ve been fighting it for almost 4 months now? Did he forget my other symptoms? I don’t know what they tested for. I don’t know if they’ll call me to tell me more results. I don’t know why he scheduled me again for blood tests in 3 months. I have no answers. I feel worse than when I went. I feel more clueless. More hopeless. More frustrated.

I can confidently say that it’s because my doctor didn’t communicate with me. He could have spent five more minutes explaining the tests, my options, anything. Offering to answer my questions. But I felt as if he just needed to check me off his box. “Yep, I saw her. Good enough.” I didn’t feel like he cared. Like he wanted to help me at all. I felt like a statistic. I felt unheard and unimportant.

I know that’s not what he intended. I don’t know his character, his history, his personality. I don’t know what kind of bad day he may or may not have been having. I just know how I felt as his patient. He didn’t do any examination. He didn’t feel my lymph nodes or my stomach or any routine things a doctor might check since I said I’ve been sick for months. He only asked me about my current status and about my northern accent. He didn’t really do anything. He told me my count was normal when two doctors told me it wasn’t. They referred me there for a reason, but this doctor saw no issue with my low white blood cell count over a month of testing. My CBC sheet says: WBC 4.3-10.1 (normal range) - patient’s level: 3.1. It is clearly well below the normal range considering the low numbers.

I plan to call the office tomorrow just to ask about the tests they took. To get an understanding and to voice my feelings. All of the other staff were wonderful. They were very helpful and welcoming. But where it mattered most to me, my doctor didn’t seem to care about my aches and pains. Trying to figure out with me what is going on.

Is he just going to tell me I’m fine and nothing’s wrong? He didn’t say anything about how I could be anemic or that he suspects A, B, or C. He told me he doubted they would find anything.

What? How can you doubt there is anything wrong, yet you want me to come back in three months for more tests? I have to wait three months to find out if my white blood count is low again?

Out of all the blood tests I’ve had taken in the last three years, my white blood cell count has been low. That’s 4 separate tests now. 3 which have been taken in the last two months. If my white blood cells are considered normal to him, I’d like to hear why. Instead, I feel like he lied to me. Or read my sheet wrong. Or didn’t feel like he needed to explain, and to save time decided not to.

I am probably blowing this fully or partially out of proportion, but I don’t care. This is how I feel.

I just woke up from a nap with a fever and night sweats. I woke up with a very bad migraine that made me feel like I needed to puke. Now, I sit typing this because I think my migraine stemmed from my frustration. I just feel “in the dark;” I guess, that’s all. I’m disappointed.

My last post was so optimistic. I don’t want to feel this way. I don’t want to be a baby, but here I am at 11pm sitting on my floor in the dark, crying as I type this.

[allisonjournals]

Today I got the call! I made a bet with my mom and husband about when I’d get the call. My mom bet Monday (yesterday), I bet today, and my husband bet Wednesday. After almost two weeks of waiting for a call just to make an appointment with my hematologist-oncologist, I finally have an appointment.

I expected the appointment to be in a couple weeks, or perhaps a month, but I was pleasantly surprised when they asked to schedule in two days! Even though I still have a couple days before the appointment, I feel some relief that answers are on their way. I feel like I can breathe a little now, but I still don’t know the results. Even though I don’t have actual answers, I am happy to know they’re on their way.

If the answers are positive or negative, I’ll deal accordingly. When obstacles come we can do our best to overcome them. Until then, I rest with thankfulness that I will know what battles I might need to fight. 😊

[allisonjournals]

hey, i have ITP (low platelets bc of autoimmunity), just wanted to send positive vibes your way and tell you everything's gonna be ok, the waiting is the worst part ♡♡♡♡

Thank you so much for the kind and encouraging words. I wish you the best of health! Again, thank you for your kindness ❤️ I needed that today.

[allisonjournals]

An update on me, although there’s not much to update.

I still have a low white blood cell count. I have very low neutrophils and very high lymphocytes. I have a very slightly low red blood cell count, and the other numbers are normal or only 0.1 high or low.

I was referred to a hematologist-oncologist in a city an hour away. Even though we have hematologists in my home town. After a week passed I called to double check they got all my information. I mentioned that I called because my primary care doctor told me they’d call me “in a couple days” after they referred me. I’ve never seen a specialist in my life. I’ve never had to go through this, so I didn’t know how long was the normal wait time for a call back. So I called the cancer center to ask the average wait time for a call back. They said it depends on the doctor, insurance, paperwork, and everything else. She kindly asked me if I wanted to check with the scheduling office, I said sure. She was so sweet. She told me that the hospital wants to be sure I receive the best care possible and take care of all the insurance so that I don’t have to worry. I thanked her for that, and she continued, “you already have so much on your plate during this stressful and hard time.” I knew she was being kind and empathetic. It is a cancer center, after all. Most people calling for appointments are either going for their cancer treatment or finding out if they do, in fact have cancer or something else. Although I know she meant to comfort me with those words, I felt a little more upset. I thought “I don’t have cancer, don’t act like I do!” But I obviously didn’t say this. It was just my self-defensive thought. I acknowledge her wonderful spirit and now take her words in a different light. Isn’t it funny how when I’m not sure what’s wrong, I’m a little snappy? I guess she was right, it is a stressful time. I didn’t realize how bad it was until I had that mental reaction to her kindness. Moving on. I was transferred to the scheduling office of the doctor to which I was referred. A woman answered and asked my name and date of birth. She asked me when I was scheduled. I told her I wasn’t scheduled and repeated my reason for calling, to find out how long it takes on average to get a callback/if my paperwork had gone through or if I needed to send anything else. She began to tell me that they’re short staffed, and that there is only one person who files the paperwork right now in their office, so they’re behind. I told her I understand, and I told her it’s been a week so far. She said I might get a call this week, but most likely next week. I said okay, and felt a little stupid for calling. I told her “I’m sorry to take your time, I was just told by my doctor that it would only take a couple days, so I thought perhaps something was missing.” She chuckled a little and said “no, honey. It’s never that fast.” She didn’t say it to be rude, she might have been thinking that the doctor telling me that should have said something else. I told her I understood and thanked her for the information. So that’s where I am! Same place. Still waiting for a call. My bones are still aching. Haha keep sweating at night and feeling cold during the day. I still have a viral infection of some sort, which just isn’t going away. I’m still abnormally fatigued. I still pant when I walk up a couple stairs. I’ve been more strict about eating even when I’m not hungry. I’ve tried to eat well balanced meals with protein and veggies. Although I already had a pretty good diet and system before. I’m more careful about going out. There’s no COVID-19 confirmed in my area, but I am a little nervous. I am extra careful. My husband doesn’t hug me when he comes home until he washes up. He’s so careful not to accidentally get me sick especially when my immune system is compromised. I hope I get answers soon. I still can’t help but think that when I do get a call the appointment will still be far in the future. Anyway. There’s my update!

[allisonjournals]

I got referred to a hematologist. It’s been a week, and they haven’t reached out to make an appointment yet. I was told it would take “a couple days.” This afternoon if they haven’t called yet I will call and double check.

It bothers me. I feel like people don’t care. I’ve gotten no answers. “We are just checking that everything’s okay.” But what if they’re not, and I’m waiting here... maybe I’m just super selfish and impatient. I just want to know what’s going on in my body. If it’s something which requires medication, a different lifestyle, or if it’s something that will go away on its own.

I hope today I get some answers. I have a feeling that once I get an appointment I’ll have to wait another month. Anyway, I want to be healthy. I want to know what’s going on.

[allisonjournals]

Tomorrow I get my blood test results back. I had my blood drawn two weeks ago, which resulted in a low white blood cell count, low liver function, and low vitamin D levels. I have been taking vitamin D for two weeks now (on top of my other multivitamin), and they tested my liver function and white blood cells again today. I am hoping that my white blood cell count has bounced back, as well as my liver function (it was just a wee bit low). If my white blood cell count is still low, I will be referred to a hematologist for further tests. I hope I don’t have to go to a hematologist at all! If I do end up having to see a hematologist, (according to my Google searching) I will likely be told that I have an infection, a vitamin deficiency, anemia, arthritis, an autoimmune disorder, or leukemia. I’m praying for the best. I am a bit nervous.

[allisonjournals]

I’m Engaged! I am so excited, but...

my closest friends were not excited with me. He flew overseas to see me during my semester abroad in France. We went to San Sebastian, Spain and spent a lovely day hiking, walking by the ocean, eating amazing food and adventuring in a new and exciting place together. He proposed by the ocean at 10:30 p.m. on March 10, 2019. I shed a small tear of joy in the sweetness of the moment. I was so happy to say yes to him, the man I love dearly. We decided to spend at least one day in our happiness together as a newly engaged couple without telling our family and friends. I loved it! It was stress-free; we were so happy, and I could not believe that I was actually engaged! By the second day, we were still in bliss! We were in France, so I had a pleasure showing him my “hometown” whilst being there. I wanted to tell my family, but I was nervous about telling them from overseas and over the phone - not because I did not think they would approve, but because I did not know how to break the news (I mean, it’s not every day you get to tell your parents that you’ve gotten engaged!).  I told my sister first, she was so happy for us! She said that she anticipated it coming soon. I asked for her advice on how to tell our parents since she had already done it herself more than five years ago. It was fun; I was excited; we were excited. Then we told my parents over FaceTime. I had a hard time finding a good transition into “Hey mom and dad, we got engaged!” but my fiancé helped me in the end (he had to do it; he did it so well, too!). They were so excited and happy for us. We were both joyful that both of our families were happy to celebrate with us. But - after a few great days of bliss with the excitement on the ideas of marriage and our love story, I began to get nervous. I knew that my closest friends might not be excited and happy along with us. I questioned it because one of my two closest friends had talked to me about concerns in my relationship with my now fiancé. It had been a rough journey for me just to date him peacefully because I struggled (more then than now, but I still struggle) so much with caring about what other people thought. Caring about what people thought of my decisions/life, etc. held me back from making my own decisions using my own opinions. I was more like a robot allowing myself to only decide on anything if all of the people around me had decided for me. Of course, there is wisdom in asking for advice from people we trust, but I blindly took advice without really asking myself what I thought or felt. My friend had cautioned me against dating him. She told me that she felt that it might not be right and at one point told me that he and I “don’t look right together.” After multiple conversations with her on the subject, I decided to just stop giving her details of my relationship with him. I knew she felt negatively about him, but I did not agree with her. She did not know him, and I felt like she judged him wrongly. I felt awkward telling her about him when I knew it might make her uncomfortable or milk some negative words from her mouth, so I continued my relationship with him without feeling free to talk about him to my closest friend. It kept me anxious all the time, with no peace. About two months before I came to France for study abroad, I had realized the issue of my actions and thought processes, so I started to back up and evaluate myself, my life, my mindsets. I in no way blame anyone for my behavior. My actions were entirely my doing, but I knew it was a problem that had to be changed. So instead of hesitating to let myself get closer to my then, boyfriend because I was afraid of what my closest friend might say, I decided that I wanted to be close with him. I realized that I wanted to, so I did. During this time frame, there was a new distance between me and my two closest friends, who are also my roommates. Academically, I had the hardest semester of college I have ever had in my almost 8 years of being an undergraduate student, but I made it through to winter break! In the past, I had decided to hold back and be afraid of my relationship with my boyfriend. I was afraid because I cared about what my friends thought. I knew one of my friends was unsure about him - which I understand to a degree. Everyone that cares about you wants to be sure that you are happy - that’s a given. Since my boyfriend does not live nearby, it was hard for my friends and him to get to know each other. When he visited, we mainly spent time together or with my family, since my friends live in other towns. My friends may not feel like they know him, which I understand as well. But I am confident that if they did know him closely, they would love him and discover the good that I see in him. I do not need to prove it to them, though, and I wish they could trust my decision. So when the time came for me to break the most exciting news I have ever had to my closest friends, I had major anxiety. Once again, after I thought I had improved my ability to not care what others thought, I was back in the hold of the fear of man. I anticipated the response was not going to be very positive, which made it easier for me when I actually did it. But it breaks my heart that I knew that my closest friends would be shocked and may even say something negative or intrusive on behalf of my very happy news.  When I told people in France, I got hugs; I got people jumping up and down in excitement; I got people asking to see the ring and asking to hear the story. I got excited that they were excited. I was happy that they were so happy with me! They got to meet him too, which was so fun and nice, especially since I had told them about him before he came and proposed. But I knew that I would not get that response from my closest friends, which made it harder for me to be excited to tell them. I tried to tell them naturally, I wondered if it would be better over text or on video. I really wanted to do it on video because it just feels so much better than a text. I wanted to see their faces. I tried to gather us all up with our time differences and our busy schedules. I had my other close friend and roommate gather them together. After two weeks, I finally told my closest friends that I was engaged. I was nervous. I did not present my news with excitement. I presented it with fear and hesitation. I read their energy, which, at the time seemed overwhelmed and impatient. I felt like a burden on their time by asking them to video call. After getting the courage to say it, I remember saying it in a monotone voice. I announced that he came here and visited, and while he did he proposed. I told them that I said yes! There was silence and confused faces. I said it again in slightly different words. There was more silence and maybe a few mutters of “oh, wow...” and after some time “I am just so shocked.” My friend’s mother was there, and she asked me: “How do you know he’s the one?”. The question felt like an interrogation. I was caught off guard. I tried to think freely without trying to impress anyone. I just said that I feel respected by him and that I can respect him because he is wise. But I also mentioned that there are many reasons and that it is difficult to pinpoint why or how I know. She continued to tell me that she is praying for me and wishes me the best. I thanked her. But I still had not heard from my closest friends. I saw that they had very solemn and almost disgusted faces. One of them asked, “So, are you going to do premarital counseling? Because I hear that’s a good idea”. I answered that I was planning on it, and she did not make any more comments until the end of the conversation when she said, “Thanks for calling, bye.”  It mostly pains me that there were no smiles, no congratulations, no positive reactions at all from my two closest friends. Instead, I got questions that had judgment tied to them.  I still do not know how I will act in the future from here. It pains me to think about it. These girls have been my closest friends for years. I always imagined them being in my bridal party. Now I am not sure if I want them there; I am not sure if they even want to be there... which hurts more than I’d like to admit. I keep hoping that I will receive a message in the coming days. I keep hoping that there will be more closure, more words exchanged. I reached out to tell them exciting news - even though I did not present it with a lot of passion and excitement, I do not understand their reactions. People have told me that they are not real friends. I try not to think that way. Up until these actions, these girls have been good friends. No one is perfect. I have no plans on keeping anger stored up toward them for their actions, but I have to be honest with myself that it really hurts. I will forgive them and work through the steps it takes for me to do so, but it does not mean that I will invite them to be in my bridal party. Things have to feel more resolved for me, I think. Maybe I will change my mind later. I do not know for sure.

 Right now, I cannot see them being a part of my wedding willingly, especially with no further discussions or words shared. If neither of them reaches out to talk more about how they feel, or what they think, or to ask me any details, I do not think I would feel comfortable with them standing behind me at the altar. I wished they asked me how he proposed, asked to see the ring, asked to help with wedding planning. I wish they had been excited to help me and be in my wedding. I wish they had been my friends in that moment, but instead, they acted more negative than would a complete stranger. They acted as if I had betrayed them or hurt them. Instead, I have been hurt. But I refuse to play a victim. Okay, I have been hurt - I can heal and move on. I will not act as if the wound never heals and keep remembering it as if it happened yesterday if bumped again. My feelings are real and they matter to me. I hope that my friends also care about my feelings. I truly hope these issues become resolved. If not, I know that there are many other friends and people out there who are supportive of me. I also have a wonderful fiancé who supports me and loves me through this painful process. He is so understanding and patient with me. He could feel annoyed with me because I focus too much on what my friends think. Instead, he understands me and gives me wisdom on how to respond. He encourages me to stay satisfied and happy in our exciting engagement instead of focusing on the negative things around me. Our families support us, which is more important than friends’ support - since the two families merge and become connected. I am just tired and a little upset that there are times when I think of my wedding I am left in tears because those who I considered being my best friends seem so absent, judgmental, and aloof.  I hope they come around. If not, I have found that those I thought were my closest friends truly were not. Which is also painful, but I am happy to find out now rather than later.

[allisonjournals]

03.25.16

What a great gift You have given to me.   Friday night You had the members of Your church pray for healing in one of our brothers.  Before the prayers of healing, You led the pastor to lead us into repentance first.  After repenting, I prayed for the Holy Spirit to have control of my body.  It has happened to me before but for some reason that night I prayed for it to happen once again as we prayed for healing of our brother.  I believed that the Holy Spirit would gain control of my body, but I just didn’t know how or when.   People were called to pray for our brother as we felt the Holy Spirit leading us to.  I was shaking, sweating, and reluctant to go up to pray for him.  I prayed from afar in the Spirit and declaring healing and deliverance for him.  After a while, the pastor reminded the church that even if you feel unworthy to pray for someone that if we step out in faith and believe in a breakthrough even for ourselves and the person we pray for that both people can receive from God.  I slowly walked up to the front.  It took a while but I walked up to my brother that was receiving healing and I knelt down and started to pray quietly as others around him were also praying.  I prayed in the Spirit, and then started praying faith and belief into both of us quietly.  I put my hand on his arm as I prayed and I felt pain and urgency.  I began to cry silently while trying to muster up a prayer.  I opened my eyes and my pastor was next to me holding our brother’s knees and looking at me.  He looked in my eyes and said, “It’s time” I felt my eyebrows gather on my forehead in a question, as I looked at him again more closely.  “You know what I’m talking about.” he said. I nodded and put my head down.  I whispered Your name, “Jesus”, again and again.  I paused and my pastor said, “Just keep saying His name”.  I sobbed as I called out Your name, “Jesus… Jesus…” the Spirit had control of my tongue at this point, after a while I was screaming Your name. I began to pour out my heart to You.  Telling You that I don’t want to be afraid of what other’s think of me.  I don’t want to be afraid to speak up. I don’t want to miss out on the chances that you put before me to speak about You.  That I don’t want to be ashamed to speak about You.   After I was finished, You spoke through my pastor telling me that You will be my megaphone.  I still wasn’t in control, and I sobbed thanking You for being my megaphone, for helping me through this struggle of mine.  For giving me freedom that I didn’t have before.  It was beautiful and I never want to forget those moments.  My pastor prayed a closing prayer for our brother and that was the end of that.   I truly feel different.  I truly feel more free to speak up, to be honest, to pray, to talk to You… to talk to people… to be myself.  There’s nothing in the world that could have ever brought me to this place.  If it wasn’t for Your Spirit in me declaring Your powerful and mighty name over myself and my brother… I would not have the freedom that I have today.  I don’t ever want to think that I got myself my own freedom.  I don’t ever want to take it for granted or go backward and allow the enemy to have power over my speech and voice again.  Help me to cling to you for strength when it gets hard, and to not give up or stop fighting.  

[allisonjournals]

1.12.15

I have a lot more pain than that I thought. I'm glad the Lord showed me because I was packing my pain deep down into a pit and it was getting full... I was almost to my wits end bottling it all up and pretending I was okay, but now He is having me dig up all of the painful things so I can deal with my pain... I can forgive myself, forgive others, let go of baggage I don't need and it's all because of His mercy and love. When I was about to leave for college yesterday I felt like bursting into tears the whole day but once again I held them in for the most part. On the drive home I just bawled and tried to tell God how scared I was and that I didn't want to be scared. I want to trust Him but something was keeping me. He recently showed me how small my faith is and hopefully because I'm fighting my lack of faith He will keep helping my faith grow. He has nothing to prove to me, I have to prove my faithfulness to Him because He is faithful to the end. I'm really thankful but nervous about all the changes. I have gotten lost a few times on campus already and I'm nervous that I will be late for class tomorrow because two that are 10 minutes apart are a long walk away from each other. I'll hopefully get used to it.

[allisonjournals]

I feel dead and robotic. I shouldn't feel this way but the enemy is getting me down and I refuse to allow it. I refuse to let them make me upset and in Jesus' Holy Name I rebuke the enemy from having a hold on my feelings and thoughts. My whole self belongs to the Most High and He DWELLS IN ME. Halleluyah!! What an amazing thought.