mp

mia

[alliwishtosay]

i was sure

completely sure

because you were sweet

and you were gentle

and you tore out the piece of me that hides and i let you

you enraged me 

but never once did you stop coursing through me 

never once did i want you to

and your depth hides so far that i believe only i can see it

but you already knew that

the marks on your arms are stained into my fingers

your skin is imprinted into my bed

i still feel you everywhere

and when my eyes are forced shut at 2:30 in the morning

yours are all i see

because i was sure

mp

[alliwishtosay]

you linger

how coffee beans and vanilla float through the air 

after closing the door

you linger

the high pitched ring after someone drops a knife

you linger

sunburns after a summer day you’ve been waiting for

you linger

scars on legs from kindergarten

falling down those hills

you linger

the scent of your hair you linger

those deep brown eyes you linger

your t shirt on my floor you linger

the marks on your hands you linger

the shape our bodies made you linger

the last night i had you 

you linger

mp

[alliwishtosay]

i know you aren’t gone

i’ll see you

i’ll sit with you, even if it’s forced

and we’ll talk about nothing

and laugh like we always have

but it won’t be like before

because after we part

you’ll go home

so will i

we won’t go out for sushi

and stare at each other while we talk about our parents

you won’t drive me to get my favorite drink

while i stare out of the window tracing infinity on your hand

you won’t come back to my room

lay in my bed

and hug me

kiss me

touch me

fall asleep with your skin in between my chest afterwards

just for the scratches 

you won’t wake up 14 minutes before your curfew 

we won’t rush out the door

and stall by your car

you will just go home

so will i

and slowly the tie will loosen

just not by choice

mp

[alliwishtosay]

The only thing worse than a liar is a coward

Own what you did

Don’t spare yourself

Selfish

Your hiding makes you ugly

No matter how many beautiful things happen inside of that mind

The only thing worse than a hider is a charmer

Keep your eyes still

Don't move them down my face while filling the air with baseless words

Nauseating 

Your audacity is strong but your mind isn’t now

The only thing worse than a beauty is knowing you are one

Stop using what you have to your advantage

I know it’s worked before

Look inwards next time

Vanity- filled boy

You are covered in the shame you try to throw away

We can all see it

When will you?

The only thing worse than a liar is a coward

Wake up

[alliwishtosay]

i admire the way you ripped me open

on that night 3 months ago

our first time speaking in years yet i was ready to tell you everything

and in return of your forceful entry into my soul

i was ready to learn every piece of you

like the back of my hand i wanted to know you

i still would if you gave me the chance

i hate that i still would

but everything i know about you is now in me

it forever will be

and i hope not deep down but right on the surface of my heart

for everyone to see

that a piece of me lives in you too

mp

[alliwishtosay]

sometimes at night

when it’s all quiet 

and i can’t tell the difference between my eyes being open or closed

i imagine you laying next to me for the first time 

in the spot next to me 

that once held you and your warmth

now empty

i picture your eyes focusing on mine 

and the tips of our noses touching

before my lips met yours and i couldn’t help but smile against them

i feel your laugh on my face when that happened

and the heat of your hand meeting my back 

writing out words i could never recognize

that’s what happens to me at night

while your sleeping just a mile from me 

i’m back there

smiling against your kiss

over the moon with the feeling of you

mp

[alliwishtosay]

this is the kind of missing they talk about in the movies

what i feel for you

unspoken confessions withheld out of necessity not choice

longing so intense you feel it burn your lungs in each breath you take

phantom heat of touch against your face

dreams about our voices connecting once again

it was all in the movies

it was only just fiction

you’ve proved me wrong

why did you have to prove me wrong?

mp

[alliwishtosay]

let me into your mind

let me learn you

let me pick apart your brain

and fall in love with every piece of it

mp

[alliwishtosay]

i don’t think i was in love with you

that’s a strong statement to make

but if i can be forward for a moment

i think that i was going to be

i remember the last time i saw you

wrapping my arms around you 

and feeling warm

feeling right

i remember missing you the second i walked back inside and you were gone

but you told me you missed me first

next thing i know i was sitting on my bed

holding my chest with a wide smile across my face

because i could feel it

i could feel my affection towards you growing in real time

physically spreading through my body 

i felt it

i’ve never felt that with anyone before you

so no, maybe i wasn’t in love with you

but i know i was going to be

i know i wanted to be

mp

[alliwishtosay]

i retraced our first date tonight

it look longer than last time

i guess i was dragging my feet

but eventually, i made it all the way down 

to the field where you kissed me for the first time

and i thought i would cry

but all i did was stand there and stare 

looking out at the whole thing

they’ve cut the grass since we’ve last been there

maybe that’s a good thing

people won't struggle to navigate through like we did

although, it made me sad 

seeing my first memories of you being cut down so easily, i mean

i don’t know how long i was there

but deep in my bones

i think i stayed because i hoped you’d find me

everytime a car approached, i’d listen for the slow down

everytime i heard a crunch, i’d look to see if it was you behind me

wanting to walk with me again

just like we always did

trust me when i say i knew it wouldn’t happen

but the thought was comforting for a moment

and when i trucked my somehow heavier than before body back up the sidewalk

i whispered up to the sky,

asking for you to come back

and prove to me that you’re as worthy as i thought you were

because i really hate walking alone

– mp

[alliwishtosay]

i’ll still run away with you

if the offer is still open

when the air was damp and your hand was in mine

we talked and talked about how excited we were to get away

i said i wanted to go far

you said the same

then you looked at me and i saw something in your eyes

before you blurted out

let’s run away together

now of course, it was a joke

so we laughed about it and kept walking down the random street corner we found

talking about what we want our lives to look like

paying no mind to your comment made moments before

looking back now, i think part of you meant it

not to say that you want to run away with me right now to a secluded house in the woods of canada

but maybe a piece of you wanted to be with me longer

maybe

i know it was just a funny thought

but come back to me and bring it up

and i might just go find us a lone house hidden from the world

a place just for us and our conversations

mp

[alliwishtosay]

i read you my poem

i remember the night vividly

it was midnight and the moon was barely showing herself

i can picture your face on my phone screen

sitting right in front of me as i sat up in bed

i found a poem saved on my laptop

and as i spoke about how pretty it was

you asked me to read you one of my own

i refused at first

i was too nervous

but eventually you wore me down

and i read to you one of my most vulnerable experiences

in the form of my art

and you told me it was the most beautiful thing you’ve ever heard

hyperbole or not, it made me so happy to hear 

that night consumes my mind now

as i’m stuck awake only able to think of you

and every single touch i felt from your finger tips

every single conversation we shared

i think about how deep everything was

and we may never speak after this

but we sure were beautiful to each other for a moment

mp

[alliwishtosay]

i think something inside of me is dying

i can’t quite put my finger on it

but i know it’s there, rotting

the smell of death is starting to consume me

and my stomach is starting to become nothing but ill

what could be dying inside of me if i am still living?

i do everything living beings do

eat, sleep, shower, drink

yet there is something decaying inside of me, slowly

and others can sense it too

i can see it in their eyes everytime i snap

overwhelmed with the putrid smell filling me

i can feel them shift away from me

getting sick from just my presence 

each day i stare my reflection in the eyes

desperately searching for the dead within my skin

why can’t i find it?

i cry as my hands drag over my body

stretching, digging

please, get it out

please, let me be free

mp

[alliwishtosay]

i know i’m not done loving you yet

i’m not done listening to you talk about computers like they’re simple

i’m not done admiring how focused you look when playing piano

i’m not done staring into those brown eyes 

and searching for the green specks that make them yours

i’m not done giving you more songs to listen to

like sharing bits of myself with you

i’m not done listening to your heartbeat slow

and your arms twitch beneath me as you fall asleep

i’m not done placing kisses beneath your ears

and hearing you laugh because it tickles

i’m not done telling stories about when we first met

i’m not done learning the depths of your brain 

and maybe now i can’t do those things

but i know that when the time is right

i’ll find you again and pick up right where i left off

because i know i’m not done loving you

mp

[alliwishtosay]

i remember getting dressed up every sunday

and getting into the car with my family 

admiring the beauty of the world created by our God as we drove

i remember dipping my fingers into the bath of water 

and sitting down to listen for hours

occasionally standing to hold hands and sing with the people around us

and i remember going home smiling

because God loved me

i went to sleep praying for a puppy to show up outside my door

and although i know now that it's not possible

he was a miracle worker

so i at least had to try

eventually the routine faded

but the decor around the house didn’t

above each doorway was a reminder of what he had done for us

how he was always with us

at least that’s what grandma would tell me

and i always believed her 

until i was 13 years old in my room

begging him to make me feel okay again

asking him why he made me this way

praying that the pain would perish

i did that every night for a long time

but nothing was changing except the leaves

and i grew tired

why wasn’t he helping me?

if he was supposed to love everyone

how did he let me suffer?

i did everything right

i prayed

i went to church

i had crosses all over my house and above my bed

i believed

but it wasn’t enough to make him real for me

mp

[alliwishtosay]

i miss you a lot

especially on nights where i have nothing to do 

but sit with how i feel

i wish i could tell you how much i miss you and care for you

i wish i could hold your hand and be in your arms

i wish i could rest my head on your shoulder and whisper how nicely your cologne suits you

i wish i could touch you and call you all mine

instead, i sit in bed at half past 1 in the morning, 

mourning your presence in my every day

i sit in bed and write you something you might not ever get to read

how gut wrenching this feels, 

but knowing you and the sweet soul that lives in your eyes, 

you feel it too

mp

[pink-heart-writes]