Not insecure. Just stuck.

I started this blog when I was 15. I'm 21 now. I thought things would get better but they haven't. Still hopeful. Less cringey. In between ready for the world with optimism and wishing I would die every moment. Call me Carol.  

[allmyinsecurities]

It's hard and I wish I had more control. But I'm trying. I really am. And I'm improving. So... it's going to be okay.

age 21 

[allmyinsecurities]

I send amazing break up texts. Need one? I've sent two this week and I had to screenshot them because they were that awesome.

Tell someone fuck you in style with a custom made break up texts. 

[allmyinsecurities]

How is it that by the time I realize I’m done being treated like shit by someone, they’ve already thrown me away?

It’s like I’ve already been thrown away before I even got to say my peace. 

[allmyinsecurities]

Day 1

It’s 10:17 PM and I can’t stop giggling to myself. There’s this guy-his name is Johnny. For the past month, Johnny has been trying to sleep with me. Every four days, he’ll call or send me a message asking to hang out. He’ll say that he’s horny and when I tell him I’m not interested, he tells me that I wouldn’t have been to handle “all that.” He knows I’ve slept with his friend. Multiple times. But every 4 days, he contacts me just the same. I told him last night that it was a good effort and I wouldn’t sleep with him. Good effort? He scoffs and says that he wasn’t even trying at all. He just hit me up because he heard I was horny all the time apparently. And he sends me a few more messages and I continue to ignore them because they get a little too vulgar for my taste. That happened last night and I’m giggling about it now because I realize the hilarity of the situation. He “wasn’t even trying at all.” This guy who has been trying to sleep with me despite knowing I’ve slept with his friend and like this friend. Well, this guy has put in more effort in trying to talk to me than my friends who I’ve told that I’m depressed. Friends who I’ve told that if I had just one person to talk to 10 minutes every other day or so, I wouldn’t feel so shitty. Friends who I wait and wait to reply to my texts and calls. Friends who put in so little effort. This guy-he messages me every 4 days and he says he isn’t putting any effort at all. This guy-he puts in more effort to have sex with me than my friends do to stop me from killing myself. But I would be lying to say I was completely miserable. I’m not completely miserable. I am so, so exhausted and sad. And depressed. And tired. And hesitant. But I am not completely miserable. Because I’m young. My legs work. And I can put a smile on other people’s day. Today is a Thursday. It’s April 13, 2017 and it’s the first day of my streak of not staying in my car an extra 30 minutes to cry. It’s so hard. So hard. But here I am again, Day 1.  

[allmyinsecurities]

Wow. Back after 6 years.

Sorry for the lame sponsored posts that my account posted due to my inactivity. I’ve since deleted them. Sorry for being cringey. I’m so tempted to delete what I wrote 6 years ago. But I won’t. 

[allmyinsecurities]

For the first time in a long time, I cut myself. But not like before when all I wanted to do was to forget about the pain, no this time, I wanted to relive it.

[allmyinsecurities]

Just come back home -______-

Not because I miss you, but because you are making a big mistake. Stop living in the delusional world you call your life, you're just a fucking drama queen that gets mad whenever she can't get whatever she wants. Everything that you are isn't because you "earned" it, it's because Dad loved you enough to get everything you wanted and all you ever did was yell at him. More more more. Just fucking stop it. I'm the screw up? I'm the spoiled, bratty one? Who's the one running away from home just because you can't stand being at home. And why? Because your friends care about you more then your family? -______- If your friends were in Dad's position, they would not stand you. They'd probably kick you out of the house, but our nice Dad is instead crying because all you ever do is kick and scream whenever you can't get everything you want. And you know what? We're not fucking perfect, we can't get everything we want, but we have to deal with it anyway. -_________-

[allmyinsecurities]

I know it doesn't seem like much but I'm seriously stepping out of my comfort zone so stop trying to guilt me because "You never try."

[allmyinsecurities]

Every little bit of respect you've ever gotten from me isn't because you've earned it, it was because I cared about you. But I'm done caring cause you're just a bitch that doesn't care about anyone but yourself.

-__________-

[allmyinsecurities]

Sometimes I feel guilty when I want to kill myself or cut just cause I feel alone... If I'm able to live a semi privileged life where I can BLOG about all the little things that bother me, instead of unlucky, poor people that feel lucky just to have a warm meal; I'm just taking the easy way out of things.

[allmyinsecurities]

I want a fresh start......But how?

[allmyinsecurities]

I guess I'm not so strong after all.

I cry. I cut. I break down.

I'm just not as strong as I thought anymore.

[allmyinsecurities]

Read this. Bye.

I've been insecure enough, time to let people know me. The real me, insecure, that can't always deal with stuff. I'll be back of course. I'll still check daily. LOL. But, I just wanted to say thank you for everyone here for helping me. :)

I'm not that girl that ran away from her problems and cut herself to get away from the world anymore. Well, I am. I'm still weak, insecure, and struggling like hell. But I'm trying, guys. I'm still tumblring, just... Not so covered and such. I'll follow my favorite blogs on my REAL blog though.

[allmyinsecurities]

I've gotten a lot of compliments from guys for being "so natural" and make up free. But the truth is, if my dad let me wear make up, I would. I'm tired of being ugly.

[allmyinsecurities]

Why am I never good enough?

I slowly let you come into my life. Not because I didn't like you but that was the only way my nervous self could handle how fast someone I barely knew was becoming so valuable to me. Then you told me about her. I cringed because I already knew what would happen. You would give me a talk about how I'm "such a wonderful girl" and how I'll easily find someone new that loves me just the way I am. But you told me I was the only girl on your mind. The only one you wanted, I almost believed you. Then you started comparing me to her. Saying how we don't hang out as much you and her. I snapped. After two weeks, I snapped and told you to do whatever you wanted to do and I was tired of you acting like I forced you to stay with me. I meant it. Yet I didn't. I wanted you to do whatever you wanted... With me.

[allmyinsecurities]

Waking up to just 4 notes makes my day.

It's not even the "people read my shit" kinda thing that makes me feel better. Just sometimes I feel so alone, like I'm the only person that's confused and lost. These "notes" make me feel a little less alone. So, thanks guys.

You make an awkward Asian girl less lonely. :) If you want my facebook, ask me in the reply button. Just make sure you got an ask box. ^__^

[allmyinsecurities]

I'm getting tired of this.

STOP. Think about the person you are. And stop being that person. Stop being the person that cares what other people think. Express, not impress. I know who you are. And you're better then this. Stop. Just stop. Stop thinking about what other people would think. It's hard, I know. But if you continue to hold on to what others say about you, how can you hold on to yourself? Love yourself. Please. I know it's hard, but think about this. If you can't love yourself, who else will?