Mel's Journey @allnewm-blog - Tumblr Blog

Weight loss and Tamoxifen

I have been able to maintain my weight since I've put it on. First of all, I realised that I allowed the weight to gain at the start. Now that i am aware, I do my best in increasing physical activity by running and swimming. The food that I choose to consume too has changed. It used to be curry puffs for breakfast, or nasi lemak, etc. Now it's yoghurt, cereals, and fruit.I try to avoid fried foods. Now, I think it's a matter of cutting my portions.

Pursue your dream

It's amazing what happens when you let go and let love take over. Since I pursued my lessons to surf, I've met an amazing person. Lets see where this takes us.

Surf’s up

I went for my first proper real surf and OMG. I did it! Now just more water time. Can’t wait!

A new challenge!

So I tried running again two days ago, ran for 20 minutes on the treadmill. One thing that was interesting was that when I jogged at 6.5km/hr, i was fine. But everytime I slowed down to 5km/hr underneath the boob felt somewhat pins needle-ish. After about 2 or 3 times of walking and jogging, I felt a slight pull or ache under my armpit and some discomfort in my back. Still, the pins and needles under my new boob only lasted for about 1 or 2 minutes then it disappeared. It may take some time to get used to. Will try again tomorrow..

My first quarterly check up with my doctor is next Tuesday. I am honestly a little nervous.. but if anything is found, at least it can be fixed and can be decided upon for surgery. At least I know what to expect in hospitals. And I now know you can actually shower after surgery -____-

#mastectomy #breast cancer #checkup #running

Thermostat issues and weight gain.. not a good combo!

So last night was one of the worst hot flushes I've had ever. I was sitting down having a drink with a friend, but was sweating like as though I ran 5km! Sleeping was another issue.. the hot flushes got a little out of hand yesterday and it was exhausting. Another thing I'm a little concerned about is my weight. I have definitely put on some weight. But I suspect it's a combination of stopping smoking and lack of exercise. I also find that I am craving for sugar.. and carbs. I will now try to cut carbs. This weight gain is starting to annoy me.. oh well. I enjoyed it while it lasted ! :) I still love myself and forgive me for putting on weight. Now it's time to focus on respecting and honoring my body and soul in ways I had never done before :)

“Stay on your path, but never forget to stop and smell the roses”.

This is what my father wrote to me when I graduated from university in 2006 in my graduation gift, an Andy Warhol book containing a collection of portraits.

My mother was there to see me graduate. I am still so grateful that I was allowed to have her see me pick up my scroll. She is no longer around now, breast cancer took her life at the young age of 58. Fast forward five years later, in June 2015 I was diagnosed with stage 1a breast cancer at a much younger age than my mum, at 31. In that same year I was diagnosed, I knew at least 3 people who lost the battle to breast cancer. When my mum was diagnosed with cancer, she had one tumour measuring 0.8cm. I had 2 tumours. One was also 0.8cm, and the other was 1.8cm. Of course, the thoughts that flowed through my mind was death was close, so I had do all the things that I’ve always wanted to do or wanted to have.

During this time, I was seeing someone lovely. He travelled the world, loved meeting new people, and made me feel special. The only problem is, we’d only get to see each other once a year.. for Christmas and New Year’s. It was a long distance relationship. We cared for each other. I really loved him. So, I did something that I’ve wanted for some time with him.. I thought when else should I tell him than now. During when I was cracked open and clean inside. I told the man I loved that I saw him as my husband. I wanted to create new adventures with him, simply because he made me the happiest person in the world whenever we were together. Unfortunately, he did not want the same thing, and this really broke my heart.

I took this as a sign. I continued my list..

The list goes like this:

1) Travel for a period of time (minimum of 3 months)

2) Bungee jump

3) Tandem sky dive

4) Run a marathon and dedicate it to my mother and my ex-boyfriend (who passed away when I was 19)

5) Be able to do fire twirling (poi)

6) Open up my store (online and physical) called Art Project M

7) Hike around the Rotarua lake in New Zealand

8) Paint every single day, even if it was just one blot on the canvas

9) Help Asian elephants be free of entertainment and live in safe sanctuaries

10) Volunteer at a shelter

11) Make a change by running an initiative for nature and educate misfortunate children

These were the thoughts in my head. I knew that if my life span was cut short, these were the things I wanted to do before I die. Cancer does something to you. It wakes you up. It also cleanses and scrapes your insides. The weeks after my mastectomy were one of the hardest. I knew that there were people around me, but I just felt so lonely and felt that time was so short. The whole saying “you were born alone, and you will die alone” played loudly in my mind. I fell into a state of depression because of this, and felt very alone. This is why I expressed my deepest love to the man I thought would be in love with me too, but while I was opening up my soul, I was sobbing so much. I guess, I knew deep down in my heart it was going to be something I didn’t want to hear. I wanted to ask anyway. He saw it as an attack. I saw it as a “this is me now, an open book, look at me and this is how I see you in my life; my truth”. But it was not what he wanted too.

The pain I felt after letting go of this relationship and going through the same disease that took my mum’s life away, is intense. What was interesting is that when some things were taken away from my life, I began to SEE that letting go was my biggest fear, and worry seemed as though it was my safety blanket. Now I understand why my mum once pulled me aside and said don’t be “too nice” to everyone (or becoming a people pleaser). This life was given to me with a purpose, and I believe it is for something huge. In the meantime, I need to spend it with the people who would want to spend as much time as I would with them. In the words of Maya Angelou, “when people show you who they are, believe them”.

My point is, even if your heart gets broken, even if a disease got you and affected your life, never be afraid to open your book and share it with the world. It took cancer to make me realise this. It is your truth, and you shared it, and be proud that you did. Honouring your true self is not shameful. I learned so much about my SELF along the way and this has made me realise that my physical body is just a tool to make your truth heard in this world. Because you trusted that there is a path for you, as the late Steve Jobs said, you can only connect the dots from the past, and trust that the dots will all connect into something much greater than yourself.

Learn to trust that there is a path for you, and to never suppress your inner voice. Express it, be heard and contribute your SELF as much as you can to the world. Your body may not last forever, but your soul will. Now I want you to treat your soul with love, respect and faith. In the end, we are all connected. Love literally sets you free.

#love #cancer #nevergiveup #believeinyourself

Heat wave in the bedroom (and no it's not what you think)

I have had a whole week of waking up in the middle of the night from these more frequent much warmer hot flushes. I used to wake up just once in the middle of the night. Now it's 3-4 times during the night. I'm not sure if I'm getting enough sleep. I hope bouts of depression don't come back! (That's what happened when I only had 1-3 hour sleep after the mastectomy). I don't wake up in the morning tired anymore, which is awesome! But now it's this.. May be time to speak to my physician.

Headaches, sugar cravings and tears

So it's been about 3 months since my mastectomy.. and wow! Again, a lot has happened. Tears just cannot stop flowing, I tell ya! There the tears, and now there's also these weird headaches I get. There was one evening I got up in the middle of the night because of this splittling headache. It was THE worst headache I had in my life and was so worried on what it was. Thankfully it was only that night that this massive headache was there. But I've had bad ones in the last two weeks. I have heaps of paracetamol sitting on my work desk. It helps to an extent. Lately too I've noticed, I have sugar cravings. Like having iced tea with milk or what we call here in KL as teh ais, every morning. If it's not iced tea, it's milo. And if it's not milo, it's a bottled ice lemon tea drink. I know.... Sugar is the enemy when it comes to cancer. And it's strange too. I never really drank sugary drinks before the diagnosis. Maybe it's the thought of sugar that makes me want it? I don't know, but whatever it is, I want my teh ais in the morning! Lately I've also been a little more positive. I think being spiritual and looking inward helps me alot. It encourages growth. I am asleep by 10pm most nights, and a good friend of mine has officially put me in the category of "grandmother" for sleeping this early...even on Fridays and Saturdays (yes..... i know). But, I kinda like it. It gets me focusing on what's important for ME.

Fighting through

I am back at work but find myself staring at my computer screen literally digging my head to just type something. I try. Then stop .. and find myself having an anxiety attack. I also find myself hoping the clock would go faster to 5.15pm. I just cannot take working at my job amymore. I tried to find the joy in it and I just can’t find it. Two days ago I had my first period while on tamoxifen. Been feeling quite low anyway in the last 2 months but it’s amplified even more now. I don’t have a partner to lean on to anymore because he said he could not give me what I need. I guess it hurts knowing your partner does not want to be there. I blame myself though. I’ve seeked listeners like my aunts and my cousins. They have helped me through a little. It’s harder everyday I find. I am trying to push on. I just feel like giving up. I am very close to it though. But I keep pushing.

A down day

Today has been a tough day. Its now coming to my 10th week since my mastectomy and a lot has happened. My relationship with an amazing man didn’t work out. My birthday is tomorrow and it does feel like it’s going to be the worst birthday I’ve ever had.. I also pondered on the past, which I know I should not have done. I looked back and thought when my mum died, the relationship with my ex at the time didn’t work out. He always told me he never wanted to get married. Then, when I left for Malaysia to spend time with my dad, I found out he got married to someone else within a span of 2 years. Mind you, I was with this guy for 7. Now, with a setback that I had cancer and a mastectomy later, another relationship breakdown. I have to be honest, it is tough and it is the worst birthday of my life. I’ve never been this low and I wish that people understood that life is short and nothing is forever. I will be with my family though and I won’t deny feeling grateful for this. But, I wish God could take away all this pain from me. It’s very painful this time and I feel like i just want to disappear.

Two months since surgery

Wow what a crazy 2 months it has been. ..

Cancer survival and religion

Over the last 2 years I did not have any faith in any religion. I stopped believing totally, and went to more practical philosophies like yoga where deep breaths and relaxation techniques helped calm anxieties. To be honest I went through an anxiety attack and cried for a whole two weeks non stop. I could not understand why things were happening to me and blamed the ones I loved. Most of all I started blaming myself, doubting decisions, and so on. However what made me turn to religion was the day I started taking tamoxifen. I sort of gave in to all the anger and sadness and started talking about religion with my sister. It was a relief to talk about God, about religion and faith. The day I started taking tamoxifen, things turned out for the better. At the same time I was having relationship issues. I was depending all my happiness on this one guy. But it was wrong of me to do this. I guess in this time of pain I decided to ask him about marriage and he could not answer me. Perhaps this isn’t the right time. This was also when I thought God knew best. No matter how I pushed things or really wanted something to happen, it never did. Of course, family is extremely important to me. I feel that perhaps my time is not now. I leave it to the Almighty as He knows best. This world is temporary, and death is certain. It’s a matter of how you have lived. And I want to live this life changing lives. God willing, my heart’s desires is fated.

Day 40 week 5

Today I was slightly fatigued, but I pushed through ! Watching a jazz show was a great idea !

Day 39 Week 5

Day 3 of Tamoxifen and I felt the hot flushes start. And last night I had the bizzare feeling of my inner thigh cramping! That was weird…..

I didn’t feel tired, but felt strange kind of pressure in my head. Definitely an ache there. And the ache in my fingers extended to my arms now.

As days go by, I start to appreciate life abit more. I see things differently. I want my view on life to stay this way. I leave it all up to the Man up above.

Day 38, week 5 post-mastectomy. Day 2 on Tamoxifen.

I started my fist Tamoxifen tablet yesterday. Didn't feel any changes, however there were some slight aches which only lasted for a few seconds in my fingers. I didn't sleep very well last night as I didn't take Stilnox. Don't want to depend on it. Maybe today I'm going to try to go for a walk on the treadmill for about half an hour - 45 minutes and see how we go from there. Tire myself out that way. Today is also my second meet with the oncologist post surgery. Not really sure what to expect at the appointment but I will do my research now!

#sleepless #tamoxifen #stilnox #mastectomy #oncologist

Day 37, week 5 since mastectomy, 27th August 2015

Had some trouble sleeping two weeks ago. I spend most days at home in the room resting, while in the meantime my dad helps me by making different concoctions of juices everyday. My best friend drops by once in a while to check in on me and she is very sweet for some nights staying over. Why I can't sleep? Well, the minute I close my eyes, I worry about my relationships around me and I worry about things that have not happened in life. This deep anxiety of what just happened to me and how it would change my life (only slightly) overwhelmed me and I didn't know how to cope. My primary doctor prescribed Xanax for a week and still the anxiety was still there. Then she prescribed Stilnox. This helped me sleep and knocked me out within ten minutes. I remember the first night I had it I slept real quick, but it was the next day I felt very groggy. I stopped Stilnox for a while and decided to go back to Xanax as it at least helped me sleep. Now that Xanax has finished (7 days worth), I tried sleeping without it last night but it was difficult. I dont want to depend on medication to sleep but I just wanted fall asleep last night so I took my prescription of Stilnox. Now that the anxiety has dissipated by about 40%, I think I am ready for Tamoxifen. I'm a little nervous taking it. Not sure why, but I am. I guess I feel when I take it, that's it. It's the start of a new journey. Unchosen journey nevertheless. But I will take what comes my way.. my biggest lesson out of all this so far is to take things one day at a time, but plan things that you look forward to. I think I need a little bit of a nudge from my doctor before I take it. Even after saying what my lesson is, I'm still nervous about taking my first tablet!

#sleep #tamoxifen

Day 30, week 4 post-mastectomy

It’s been a tough few weeks for me emotionally. I realised that surgery was the easy part of this whole journey.

The day prior to the surgery I was really nervous. I’ve never been admitted into hospital for anything..not even for a broken bone! So you can imagine the fear going through my mind.

#mastectomy

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