A dose of my diary post Traumatic Brain Injury in 2009.
In the last 36 hours I have been up and down in mood and finally realized what a dick I am, I’ve been getting angry and frustrated with people not understanding whats wrong with me for almost 18 months, no wonder they don’t understand though, I didn’t until yesterday have a label for it, I didn’t until today realize I’ve spent the last 18 months lying to myself, creating bullshit versions of the hazy past and “rosy” future, claiming to be doing it for everyone elses benefit, convinced they don’t want to know, don’t want to hear it, its boring and who’d care but truth is I’ve been kidding myself to try and put a positive spin on the shittest event in my life bar none, that’s not to say great and amazing things haven’t happened since that day but neither if I’m honest have they ever been so bad too.
Yesterday, Saturday morning I finally “found out” what’s wrong with me, well the name anyway – Diffuse Axonal Injury, which seems with the help of google to mean the pathways that take messages and signals on a journey to and from my brain have had some kind of huge spaghetti junction collapse! And like a remote island hit by a tsunami that the news failed to discover or report, its now destroyed with no hope or recovery. I guess the way I’m understanding is it is like a lot of tubes passing liquid(signals) but something has caused a load of the tubes to get tied in a knot, so the liquid doesn’t get through. Problem being a knot can normally be untied. Yesterdays report states this is permanent, so now my brain needs to find away around the accident to get the messages through, this is patchy from what I gather and so it will never be the same.
Its made some stuff clearer, like football is probably a no go, after weeks of buying new boots and getting excited I could play again as my skulls healed well, its now obvious my skull isn’t the risk, it’s the stuff inside, the bloody specialist hasn’t said yes or no but all that hope I’ve had has been another let down I’ve managed to give myself.
Anyways, after having a heavy head and heart for the last day or so and being very I don’t know how to put it but for me quiet and sheltered, I finally had my outburst of thoughts and feelings.
Since as far back as I can remember which to be fair is probably 10 days ago, I’ve been saying the accident although horrific has proven to be a good thing!, I think dad has had a lot to do with that as he has tried so hard to cheer me up, be positive and encourage me to think positive.
I sit here now, on my bed, in my house, with my fiancé feeding our 3 weeks and 2 days old child, with out the worry of a sleepness night causing me issues with work tomorrow, which should be my return date from paternity leave, without the stress of will my girls be ok on there own and the urge to ring and text them all day to make sure there ok.
This, as people keep telling me, we should be so grateful for, we are so lucky, oh what they’d give to have had the support and help blah blah blah.
Well actually FUCK OFF, your wrong, my fiancé & child are the 2 greatest and most important people in my life and I wouldn’t have it any other way. But the accident isn’t the reason this has been able to happen, despite the fact either I’ve convinced people it is or they’ve convinced me it is and I now believe that to be my own thoughts, but with my memory god knows! Its like the chicken and the egg.
So the story goes…. I woke up on what I think was Monday to find myself in hospital, in a neck thing, really pissed off I wasn’t allowed to go to play my football match against top of the league. No one seemed clear on what was wrong with me, and I didn’t understand the explanations. I was told I was hit by a car that mounted the curb as I walked home in March 2009. To be honest for all I know this could have been someone hit me in a bar or I done something silly at football like a vidic header 6 inches off the ground and got kicked.
I had no choice but to believe what people where telling me, but surely if it was that bad I’d remember, I’d know, I’m the one in bother here so why does none of this make sense.
