my little piece of internet @allthe2s - Tumblr Blog

things i'm doing instead of my homework right now:

listening to the songs on my secret bandcamp

debriefing all of the whatever dad 100% aro crying banafsh pluperfect ough young crones act of benji/z santos lore and contemplating making an iceberg for it

reading my old twitter arguments and giggling

pretending like im about to pay attention to berleezy's mouthwashing playthrough (maybe one day)

hellooooooo~ summer

totally did Not keep up with my resolution to update this shit every month, but now that school is done terrorizing my ass for the forseeable future (until august) i can finally reconnect with the fun parts aspects of my life like my blog!!!

i've been having wicked thoughts that have been kind of terrorizing me...... do i even like college? i mean, the answer is complicated. this past school year i commuted and i actually hated it so much i thought i was going to Die every time i got in my car at 8am to find a parking spot for my class at 11am. ok that's dramatic but you get the point. but after fall 2025 semester, i thought about it more than ever over winter break: how much happier i got instantly once the semester ended, once the academic stress was lifted. i think i blamed it on my new meds at the time. i eventually found that very liberation throughout the semester too, i mean, have a look!

focus

i will say it is fucking hard to focus when there's so many things to focus on. not living in my collegetown made it so hard to focus on college, and made it so easy to dissociate. it's also a little sad feeling so far away from my people and my things -- my life.

well back to the question: "do i even like college?"

the answer is: sure. it's fine. for the most part my cores are out of the way and i'm studying music. now for the technicality of having something to show up for like school... feels a bit restricting and can get very stressful. but i feel like i'm too balls deep to quit now. my 3rd year is coming up, and while i have lots of amends to make with my academic status, i feel like it'll be worth it to say i did it.

The Great Crashout of April 2026

oh you know, like all the other aprils, i lose my mind because of something. this april was no different. i responded by completely changing the way i look to separate myself from it. a typical response from me. who's even surprised!

summer is going fine.

i've signed my lease and am working and am getting my car fixed and seeing my people. my resolutions are simple, and getting me on track for a happier year

this summer i will:

finish my album

solve plot holes in my book triology

begin the oil painting portion of my piece, "futuristic casket" (yes like the song)

cut my hair

make scrapbooking into a better routine

plan for move-out accordingly

make my mixtape cds

tailor my academic schedule for next semester

get familiar with the neighborly bus routes at my new place

complete the sketch for my shoulder tattoo

that's all i can think of. and im out of space for pictures. k bye

#blog #college #meow

the piece of My internet

over one year ago, i created this tumblr page -- in hopes of creating an open outlet for my thoughts in a sort of long-form writing style. it's by no means professional (after all, i do indeed write everything in all lowercase). i've created an archive for my camcorder memories, my words, my aspirations....

then i stopped.

for a long. fucking. time.

tumblr emailed me on november 24 2025 stating that i created this blog one year ago. i instantly remembered how excited i was to finally start a blog.

i didnt plan on updating this blog until i had a new song uploaded to my secret bandcamp attached to it and some long sob story about how depressed i've been since returning to college..... well, here it is:

i have seriously lost the motivation to do Anything related to what used to make me, me. this blog was one of them, my actual pride and joy.

well.....

this semester has been a Fucking Shit show

if you guys thought The Great Crashout of 2025 was bad, just you WAIT until you hear about The Great Crashout of 2025: The SEQUEL💜... i have seriously felt so many emotions these last few months i've never felt before. i became borderline (haha) manic + bored and did so many dumb things "for the plot"... i ended up calling it:

adrenaline-based stupidity:

behaving and acting callously/impulsively to feel literally anything But sad. actively seeking some kind of rush without fear of any consequences.

common things i felt instead were: curiosity, rebellious, thrill, fear.

all of this was while i was also on antidepressants, which ended up not working for me and i just recently switched, but either way, starting them regardless was still a large step toward my betterment, years in the making...

these are the people and the things that eased the troubles a bit.

new year, strange new me

i've had this album on repeat for the first few days of 2026, soaking in the new year and coming to terms with the last one being over. 2025 was the weirdest year of my fucking life, that's for sure. i became such a different person last year, a person i'm not entirely sure i'm proud of. but yet a person who still tried, and a person who closed out the year stronger than before.

many pieces of me were lost but lots more were earned. i'm finding inspiration in little things and places and people.

i think that's a good start

happy new year

-a

#Bandcamp #happy new year #college #people #healing #friendship is magic

school is starting soon

and i guess it's a bit dramatic to classify certain people as "people that i hate and couldn't wait to leave behind" because hate is a very strong word, but god i could not wait to leave them behind. facing them again after everything, after certain decisions i've made to protect my own peace and after practically disappearing for the summer is going to be so fucking strange, and kind of makes me a little sad. i can't just disappear and avoid it anymore, i have to be back where it all started. it sucks, because i really have had the best summer ever and i really really really like my life and i'm just scared i'll revert to a me i never want to see again. idk

#Bandcamp

the life i strive

need to get out of stupid tx so bad. fucking manifesting.

#moodboard #pinterest #meow

cleaning out my phone and my computer rn b4 school starts and Oh My God

life is awesum

i have a cool & chill job that i really like, i have an amazing and beautiful solid circle of close friends who i adore dearly and cherish, going on a freakin cabin roadtrip with my friends super soon !!!!! listened to many cool albums and am constantly surrounded by music, havent touched instagram since may, starting school up again soon as well... great things happening in azzynation

#happy freakin summer

bon voyage!

hi i went on vacation a few weeks ago... first to the countryside:

then 2 the beach!

and best believe this song was on repeat

anyway yeah just wanted to share these photos because they are #AWESOME and i certainly had a time!

#Bandcamp #vacation #countryside #trees #meadows #beach #boardwalk

had a trivial drive home from work listening to this on repeat

#Bandcamp

queer fish

MY FIRST YEAR AT PRIDE HELL YEAHHHH

wanted to close out pride month with a post like this because i think about it so often. this is my 5th pride month out as queer, and my 4th pride month out as a lesbian!! being a lesbian is so integral to me. that is my sexuality, my gender and my personality IDGAF!!! the journey to accepting this part of myself was not easy but i mean i was 14 and everything was confusing then. so happy to know myself better now. lots of the time i feel like lesbians are so rare and everyone is so male-centered, but seeing so many lesbians and lesbian flags and lesbian fans and just So!!! many!!!!! Lesbians!!!! of all ages at pride just made me so freaking happy. i will!!! be going every single year now that im an adult and can do as i please. being gay and queer and weird is awesome. and no i will never stop being annoying about it. i love my community of all my favorite queer fish

#meow #pride month #lesbian #wlw

now

this song makes me feel sooooo nostalgic. makes me miss people who were not good 2 me...... so anyway i had to reconnected with nature alongside my people who matter now. who are beautiful and amazing. dont sink just swim or whatever that one song said, healing process begins with a shower or whatever that other song said.....

#bandcamp #blog #forest #friendship is magic #healing

midnight munchies

a very serious thread of my favorite midnight snacks since i’ve been home:

brown sugar milk tea and a leftover cinnamon roll pancake from this one brunch spot. my first time making brown sugar milk tea all by myself and boyyyy was it yummy. was an excellent combination.

brown sugar and cinnamon milk tea, cinnamon heb toaster waffle, and leftover gus's fried chicken + their mac n cheese. this one was YUMMY. the mac and cheese was surprisingly the best touch. so good. i would eat this every night probably.

boba from trader joes and fire ambulance. a reoccurring combination that i feel will continue throughout the summer.

trader joes mint chocolate chip ice cream. THE ICE CREAM EVER. i could eat this Forever. so good.

#munchies #midnight #bleach #milk tea #blog

2023 ass breakfast

used to eat this allllll the time in junior year. toast with grape jelly, an egg (seasoned with salt pepper & onion powder), andddd an iced coffee. i think i put cinnamon, brown sugar, and caramel syrup in it 2day :p

#yum #my masterpiece #toast #bleach

ishowdespair-deactivated2026012

examples of my ocd symptoms

because i Know i have it… i just want to write them down somewhere and perhaps i will show these to a psychiatrist one of these days

my bed rules. moreover the strict distinction between indoor clothes and outside clothes and which are allowed in my bed and on my bed. what this means? clothes that i wear outside/out in general are not allowed under my bedsheets/blankets where i sleep under any circumstances. if im coming in from being out and want to sit on my bed, i have to sit/lay on top of the comforter of my made bed. i even have a specific separate blanket for outside clothes. if i want to get in my bed under my sheets and blankets i must shower and change, or if im too lazy, i still must change into new, fully clean clothes. otherwise the place i sleep is dirty and disgusting and i will never truly be clean even if i shower.

locked door paranoia. sometimes i get a little intrusive thought or two and suddenly i believe the doors to the house are unlocked and that someone is actively going to attempt to break in. sometimes it will be 4 in the morning, everyone in the house is asleep, i’m in the bed also half asleep…… but once that thought enters my brain i Have to get up and check the doors, even opening the loud door to the garage just to check if the garage is closed. this even extended over to when i lived in my dorm at school — i would get up multiple times at night just to make sure my door was actually closed all the way and twist the knob to make sure it was locked. half of the time for both of these, i knew the fucking door was locked. but if i dont check i feel like me and everyone else is just going to die!!

gas stove paranoia…… um… sometimes i get an inkling that a knob on the gas stove in the kitchen is turnt.. yknow, when it’s not lit but when it’s actively spewing out gas and making the house stink. i think this one happens because i’ve seen the knob turnt and have been told that inhaling that gas is deadly, but yeah similarly to the last one i’ll absolutely have to get up at ungodly hours of the night, check in the kitchen with my flashlight and physically touch the knobs on the stove to make sure they aren’t turned even just a little. cuz if i dont i feel like everyone in the house is gonna end up on the news in the morning from gas poisoning

procedure for touching things i hate touching. for example: coins. i. fucking. hate. touching. coins. i literally always have since i was a kid. i remember my mom asking me to hold change from the store when i was like 5 and literally clenching my cheeks because i was so uncomfortable. if i fucking Have to touch a coin, i absolutely Cannot touch ANYTHING else until i have washed my hands like 5 separate times. if i touch something without washing = it’s contaminated and disgusting, and needs to be sanitized. if i wash my hands and touch whatever is contaminated then i’m contaminated again. i can’t put my drinks in cupholders in cars with coins in them because they’ll contaminate the drink and if i touch it where the coins were touching it then it’ll contaminate me and i’ll have to wash my hands 5 times and it’s a fucking mess. if i only touch the coins with one hand then i will only wash that hand because touching the other hand would mean that it’s contaminated now. um. yeah.

absolutely no walking barefoot on my dorm floor. and absolutely No shoes on my rug by my bed. here’s how it was set up: my rug right underneath my bed with my slippers on the floor right next to it. i felt comfortable living in my dorm and i cleaned it/the floors often! but it will Forever be dirty. the rug was for my bare feet so basically whenever i first step out of bed/am about to get into bed. my feet and my rug are clean. my slippers however are contaminated since they are for walking around on the floor only. if my bare foot ever touched the floor… day ruined. if i ever dropped like a towel or one of clothes and more specifically undergarments on my floor it was immediately tossed into the dirty clothes laundry basket. contaminated.

smells while driving. if im driving and i smell something strange i am Going to die. it is as simple as that. the whole car is going to explode and it is over for me. lowkey i guess this ones not as bad as the others because ive never actually pulled over because of it but it does make me anxious. like no i dont know if thats barbecue somewhere or the engine on fire. but yeah i can talk myself out of this one pretty quickly, but it had indeed lead to some frequent “what does a car smell like when it is about to explode” google searches.

obsessive researching things because of an intrusive thought. sometimes i have very morbid intrusive thoughts of someone i know dying tragically from something i didn’t know how to fix but definitely could’ve. like once i randomly got a flash of someone having a seizure and i researched seizures for an hour to make sure i would know what to do if that happened. another time and actually every now and then i’ll remember that choking on food is a thing and that’ll pop into my head and i research the heimlich and watch tutorials for hours because i just get so convinced someone’s going to die in my hands cuz i didnt know what to do

like for part 2. just kidding but if i think of more i will continue this

#ocd #psychiatrist save me #im normal #meow