[allthesmallthingshere]

The Problem Lies in Me.

I care too much, I feel too much, I need too much.

I over care about things that I shouldn't need to care about, whether it's the little things in life or or just everything in general. I care too much about things that even I cannot name them all.

I feel too much about unimportant things, unimportant gestures, unimportant feelings. I feel so much to the point that it overwhelms me sometimes but I still cannot stop myself from feeling... caring...

I need constant validation too often, constant interaction with people I love and care about, constant acceptance from people who has already accepted me, but I feel as though I am still not accepted. I need constant reassurance that I am not annoying you, that my presence is enjoyed and welcomed. I need so much that I find myself so damn annoying, so wouldn't they find me annoying too?

I've come to the conclusion that the problem lies in me, and I need to work on this because how else am I going to grow. But how do I fix this, when I feel too broken to be fixed.

-sillyjenny

[allthesmallthingshere]

Selfish me

Is it selfish to want to tell you my true feelings when I know nothing will come of it, that I cannot act on the feelings I want you to know and acknowledge. Is it selfish, that while you only see me as a close friend, I wish to be in your arms as more than that? Because I know it's selfish, my time- our time together is limited. I don't want to walk away, but eventually, I know I will have to because I won't be able to stay on the sidelines and watch you give someone else what I've always wanted from you. How can the line be so clear to you, but so damn blurry to me? Why do I always love those I cannot have, those I'll never have?

- sillyjenny

[allthesmallthingshere]

Goodbye

To say goodbye where it can't be heard, I guess I saw this coming, just... not quite like this. I finally unfriended you on Facebook even though you hardly use it, I finally unfollowed you on Instagram, and finally deleted the messages between you and me.

I guess this is what they call "the break up after the break up", although our break up was silent, one sided and I've had to come to the conclusion that your silence was your break up...

The years of our friendship, although you've already cleared yourself of months ago, I've, too, finally cleared myself of. But why does it hurt, and why does my tears fall for a past you have already turned your back on? Why does my heart always ache because I've been left behind while others have moved on?

-sillyjenny

[allthesmallthingshere]

Dear You,

I haven't written about you in awhile, but you crossed my mind today, and I wondered if you were well. I mean yes, you are, of course you are. But I just wanted to let you know that I too, am well.

-sillyjenny

[allthesmallthingshere]

Daydreams of you

I keep dreaming of a life with you, but I know that is not possible because you do not feel the same. And because of a promise I've made... I long for you, but I wonder if it's because you are my forbidden fruit or if I really feel something for you. I keep questioning whether what I feel is lust or love. Or if it's both, which feeling outweighs the other? It's gotta be lust right? Because I know you, but I also don't know you. I've never met you, so how can I say I love you? Even if we've talked everyday for two years - even if I crave your attention, your presence... Is love anywhere to be found here, in these feeling and daydreams of you?

But because I know you, how foolish you would think I am, if you ever read this...

- sillyjenny

[allthesmallthingshere]

Longing...

I find myself longing to be 

Someone of value,

Someone who can warm

The cold spaces in your heart,

Heal the hurt that's been placed there.

I long to be the one to love you,

With my all, 

With no regrets,

And with no restraints.

To show you that 

Love is possible,

And You Can Trust Me. 

But you do not look my way,

Nor do you think of me that way.

At the least, I am just a friend,

At best, I am your confidant, 

Someone you feel comfortable enough

To open up to, 

But no further. 

I long to love you 

And let it be known to you,

But I will calm my heart,

And settle with being 

Just

Your

Friend.

-sillyjenny

[allthesmallthingshere]

Numb, but not numb

Most days I don't know how to feel.

Most days pass like a blur,

A symphony of

faces,

places,

conversations,

Muffled.

A smile there,

A nod,

a soft giggle here,

Because no I wasn't listening,

I didn't hear a single word you said,

But yes, I am showing you I paid attention.

I am numb,

But my heart feels pain,

Tears threaten to fall,

But even I don't know why.

I'm just trying to get through the days,

Living.

But not living.

-sillyjenny

[allthesmallthingshere]

Ghosted

Unanswered texts, Unanswered questions. Was this all it meant? After years of connection, endless texts, endless conversations, it all boils down to this deafening quietness. Was it something I did? Or did you just get tired of me, proving my fears that I am not worthy of love? Not worthy of an explanation. They say silence is an explanation, but that's not enough. Not when the years we've known each other turns to dust, when the person I thought had my back no matter what turns out to be someone who thinks nothing of me. Years of connection, the pain and tears we shared with each other, boils down to this. A silent disappearance, no warning, no explanation. Just a deafening scream of, You Are Not Worthy.

-sillyjenny

[allthesmallthingshere]

You ever re-listen to a song you hung onto when you were getting over someone and feel the hurt all over again even though you're completely over them? You get that stuffy feeling in your chest like you can't catch your breath because the pain was just that real at the time that even now when you're healed and moved on, it still affects you like it was just yesterday that you couldn't even see the light at the end of the tunnel?

Thank god for the strength you were able to pull out of yourself to wake up everyday just to put on a smile and go about your day in hopes that maybe you'll reach a place where you can say without hesitation that you are over them. Thank god for finally being able to smile without feeling the need to cry because the hurt you kept trying to hide was trying to burst out of you.

You survived. We survived. I survived.

-sillyjenny

[allthesmallthingshere]

Sunset Memories

It pains me to know I'll never get a sunset memory with you, to never see the sun glisten against your skin, never see the glow in your eyes, to never kiss those lips underneath the setting sun as the wind rush past us. I'll never have that memory because we never got there, and I think maybe its good we never got there because if we did, every sunset after, would kill me. But the thing with humans are, things we don't get to experience becomes an obsession of what if's, and the cravings for that memory pains us just as much as it would if we did live through it and had to live after things ended.

-sillyjenny

[allthesmallthingshere]

Lost

It's been awhile since I've felt the need to run away from everyone I know, including myself. It's been awhile since I wished to not exist, to be able to disappear into thin air and just stop existing. How great it would be to start anew with a clean slate of memories that contains none of those in the past that has my heart aching all sorts of ways. I don't know whether to cry or scream from feeling so lost, so... not alive. I don't know how to exist without struggling to breathe every step of the way. I don't know how to live with myself and my decisions anymore. I don't know what to do or what to think. I just want to disappear...

[allthesmallthingshere]

My last writing about you

I laugh now at the fool you have turned me into. While my heart was aching, you turned your heart to someone else. While I gave you my whole heart, you gave me just a little piece. Let this be my goodbye to you forever, let this be the last time my heart ached for you. You couldn't even be honest about your feelings, you're not worth the pain I've been in. You're not worth a single thought.

[allthesmallthingshere]

Waiting...

I keep looking for you, I keep waiting, hoping you would come back around, hoping you still care. My friends think this is stupid, my heart aching for you, because we hadn't known each other for long, they said, and I agree. But I tell them I can't help what I feel, I want to say, if there was a switch I can just turn off, I would do it in a heartbeat. Because hurting over you is too painful to bear. Because every morning is a struggle to wake up knowing we no longer talk, because you have moved on, because goodbyes are easy for you but hard for me. Because every night is also a struggle to sleep when its your voice I wish to hear last but I know it's impossible, because my heart keeps aching and sighing is the only thing I can do to try and calm the aching. Because sleep don't come easy anymore so I have to exhaust myself to make my brain fall asleep despite my aching heart. I keep waiting and I'm tired of it. I keep looking for you, and I'm tired of it. I just want the pain to end so I can move on...

-sillyjenny

[allthesmallthingshere]

For the first time since I met you, I finally felt like dancing again. For the first time in a few weeks, listening to music didn't make my heart ache. For the first time in a long while, I finally felt alive. I woke up and my mind was clear, I smiled and I laughed, like, I really laughed. I was at work listening to music and I was dancing. I was dancing again, enjoying myself. For the first time in what feels like an eternity, I felt alive again. And it was so good, it felt so good. But the feeling didn't last for long, because the next day thoughts of you came back and my heart ached again, thoughts of you came back and I had to force myself not to cry because I missed you, because I hated myself again for missing you, thoughts of you came back and listening to music made me feel sick that I refused to listen to music all day, thoughts of you came back and my smile disappeared.

-sillyjenny

[allthesmallthingshere]

Fool

I hold onto past relationships like a child holds onto their safety blanket. Its not the same feeling though, where a child holds onto their safety blanket for comfort and where I hold onto past relationships like a fool who knows its done and over with, but I refuse to let go because it was just that important to me.

I've never been good with goodbyes and break ups of any kind, no matter how much they've hurt me, they'll always be a part of my heart and I'll always wonder how they are doing and wishing them nothing but happiness. Like, here, take my happiness so you can be happy because if I couldn't make you happy, I need you to be happy elsewhere.

I do this to myself, so why do I feel sad when I'm left behind and they've moved on, when only I remember the memories and promises we once uttered like a broken record replaying everything in my head. I hate goodbyes and broken relationships, I hate broken connections and people who turn into strangers once again... but that's my problem, right?

-sillyjenny

[allthesmallthingshere]

Cruel silence

Your cruel silence cuts me like a knife cutting and digging into my heart. My stomach twists and I feel nauseated because I now realize how big of a mess I have put myself in. Falling for you was a mistake, no, reaching out to you in the beginning was the mistake, thinking we could be friends was the mistake, believing you were different was the mistake, letting my heart be moved when you said I love you even when I knew it was much too early for such words, was the mistake. You always told me you could manipulate people into doing what you wanted. And although I know you didn't with me, I should have realized how cruel you can become by the way you spoke of others. It just never hit me before until now, now when it's over and you've had enough, now when you won't even look my way, when you won't even reply and respond to my hurting, when you're perfectly fine while I go about my days trying to hold myself together and collect pieces of myself I lost because I fell for your lies, despite knowing better.

-sillyjenny

[allthesmallthingshere]

I didn't think I would be here again so soon. I didn't think I would ever have to feel this pain again, the heart wrenching pain that makes me gasp for air, as it catches me off guard as I go about my daily life. My mind is filled with memories of you and I don't resent you but I resent myself because I knew we could not be but I forged on ahead without realizing what I was doing til it was too late. I mean, we've only known each other for two months, so tell me why my heart aches as though we knew each other for longer? Why does losing you hurt as though a part of me has just been torn to shreds?

-sillyjenny