Ally Lilith

Sui Generis

[allylilith]

Hi, I've moved to https://allylilith.com/blog/

[allylilith]

It is not your responsibility to wait for someone to be ready for what you have to offer. Remember that the world is vast— if it’s not here, it’s somewhere out there.

[allylilith]

As a person, I value the bonds I've created. I understand that nobody is perfect which is why when I chose to commit to someone, I never leave.

I do not cheat, no one can ever steal me away which is the kind of security I'd like my partner to feel.

I do not take them for granted. I shower them with love in ways I know how. Breakfast in the morning, giving hugs and kisses every chances I get or remind them to stay safe and try not to die when they walk out the door.

I don't believe that the grass is greener on the other side, I believe in making the grass on my side as green as it could possibly be and that involves genuine love, hard work, commitment and dedication.

I look at my relationships logically. That by default, everyone has issues that they are dealing with, which is why I never look for another and deal with the person I chose. — I choose who gets to have my energy carefully.

Everyday I make the same choice of choosing the same person even when it's hard because I believe that love, communication, willingness to adapt, learn and grow together is what makes a relationship work no matter who you are with.

There is no such thing as the "perfect fit". We are all made with flaws, but the only difference is some acknowledge them and want to be better while others accept them as part of who they are. — I'd like to better myself.

Because of my nature of being more accepting and tolerant of others, I look for the same kindness in the person I am with.

As I too am as flawed.

But as much as I am willing to make it work, I, too know when it's time to let go when I am not wanted. When my energy isn't reciprocated, when I'm not appreciated, when I try and keep trying several times and they still choose to be without me.

People like me, they get taken for granted all the time because we always come back until we don't.

I know the very moment when it's done, when my head gets quiet. when I don't know where my heart is, it isn't broken but it's gone.

[allylilith]

Hello there, it’s been awhile since I last blogged about anything personal. But I have been asked this question countless times: “How do you take care of your skin?”.

I’d say I have a combination skin and my skin is particularly sensitive to certain types of oil and fragrances. I tend to avoid anything that contains comedogenic ingredients to avoid getting pimples.

So here’s a breakdown of my daily skincare routine for more than a year now.

1. Cleanser: Clinelle Pure Swiss Hydra Cleansing Gel

2. Toner: Neutrogena Blackhead Eliminating Cooling Toner / Clean and Clear Oil Control

3. Pimple Creams (If needed) - Dermic Eucare Recovery Cream (For milia seeds/tiny pimples), Nuteen Pimples Away Acne Gel (For normal pimples), Egyptian Magic Cream (For large pimples buried under the skin that hurt like fuck)


4. Facial lotion + Booster Cream: Clinelle Pure Swiss Hydra Calm Lotion + Rawlulu’s Magical Glow Booster 

(Magical Glow Booster is only used every other day. For example: Monday, Wednesday, Friday. This cream helps a lot when it comes to getting an even skin tone, it brightens my complexion like no other products.)

5. Moisturizer: Clinelle Pure Swiss Hydra Calm Moisturizer Cream

Apart from that, this is what I do once a week.

After toner, I would use Aztec Indian Healing Clay Mask. Here’s how I made it: 

Then apply all over your face with a tiny brush and wait till it dries. You’ll know when it’s ready to be washed when it cracks. (Literally, you will see gross tiny cracks.) This mask helps in getting rid of whiteheads and blackheads.  

Other than that, when I need some exfoliation I will usually use one of St. Ives’ facial scrubs. (No favourites, I use different ones each time to spice things up.)  

That is the secret! Also, I drink 2 litres of water a day and avoid consuming nuts, dairy and sugar. (They break me out.) I hope this helps.

[allylilith]

I’d like to think there are different versions of me. I don’t think I’ve ever lost myself, I don’t think anyone ever does.

I think we merely discover different versions of ourselves, even if it’s one we’re not necessarily proud of.

You say “it isn’t like you” to do what I did but it is me. It’s just a version you’ve never seen. I’d want to be accountable for everything I choose to do. I don’t want to make an excuse by saying “I wasn’t myself” when I did what I’ve done.

I am a being made up of millions of tiny fragments, I am everything I choose to be— Strong, fearless, boisterously honest, a survivor, a coward, a liar.

—Ally Lilith

[allylilith]

Mother says

I told my mother that my heart is weary and the pit of my stomach aches, the pain wraps me like a blanket, suffocating me.

She said “As your mother, I see that your life is chaotic. You’re blessed with good looks, money and all the riches but you are never happy. Your greatest test has always been one with your heart.”

I know everything about myself and my heart, I said has been my biggest weakness. I don’t let people in easily because I am not interested in people most of the time but when I do, I love and I give too much because I don’t do anything half-heartedly. I don’t want any of it anymore. None of this, I am exhausted, I have no more fights in me and I am done. 

Knowing I am a control freak, a go-getter, she said,“Stop chasing, stop trying, you’ve done this all your life. Not everything is under your control.” 

Despite having different views and beliefs, she then said “Pray, whatever’s meant to be yours will be and if it wasn’t yours, something better is yet to come. Don’t you ever worry.”

I realize there’s a kind of peace in that; letting go.

[naturaekos]

“I plant roots so deeply in the people I love that I always lose a piece of myself when they go.”

— Beau Taplin (via naturaekos)

[allylilith]

Haunted town

This town is haunted. I see traces of you, traces of what used to be, traces of what I’ve gone through, traces of what I despise. Traces of what I wanted and couldn’t have.

I am trapped by all the sadness I’ve gathered since I knew who I was. I am trapped by all the expectations and holy ideals.

This whole place is no longer a place I want to be in. I want to go away and disappear. I could be where you are, or I could be anywhere else. Anywhere but here.

Nothing could fill this void, not money, not time not space nor other people.

Nothing could make me happy, but somewhere new— I could be less sad.

[allylilith]

I love so little, too little that sometimes it made me doubt my humanity. I often question if it’s normal to not feel for so many things, for so many people I should be feeling for, to not feel a goddamn thing. I love too little, and when I do, it’s illogical.

They know me for someone who is completely detached, but oh how I’ve attached myself to his very soul. I want him to have all that he needs, all that he wants because he deserves it.

He made me human.

[allylilith]

Everybody dies • The only certainty is that death awaits the living. On your deathbed, moments before you pass, you won’t ponder on the money you should’ve earned. What will linger on your mind is the connections you made with those who matter. The memories will keep you warm. The most crucial part is thinking of what you’re leaving behind. Have your life affected another that you’ll live forever in the hearts and minds of others? And if so, are they kind and noble thoughts? Have you truly lived your only chance at life? Or have you merely wasted it away?

[allylilith]

Change yourself to change the world

If we can promulgate hate and violence on social media without thinking twice why can’t we do the same with positivity? Wouldn’t it be great to see that perfect balance as opposed to having the fear that we are living in such a disastrous era.

So what if Person A uploads images of doing good deeds? and Person B constantly posts about getting gifts from his/her partner while Person C proudly shows the fact that he/she prays and of course, Person D who uploads pictures every time she/he is at the gym?

Why do most people find the need to hate and assume they are bragging or showing off? What is social media for then? If not to display? Be it your thoughts, your possessions or your interests.

Perhaps if your heart is pure, if you eliminate your very own insecurities and your habit of assuming the worst in people, you wouldn’t be so threatened by good things, you wouldn’t be so threatened by someone else’s happiness.

If you just take a moment to reflect, maybe the problem isn’t with other people after all.

[allylilith]

They only want you to have fun the way normal people do. Hands up in the air, wooing. Playing stupid games in groups that make no sense. Suddenly, sitting alone, listening to good music with a drink in your hand is sad. Learn that "fun" isn't the same for everyone.

@allylilith

[allylilith]

we cling

out of love

we say to ourselves

or are we all just selfish

and scared

@allylilith

[allylilith]

Childhood

He asked me of what I remember from my childhood. I couldn’t remember much because I am not one to think of my past nonetheless dwell in it. It seems to me as though I had no past because I have taught my mind to not cling to memories.

However, what I can remember is being sad, a lot. I remember feeling lonely and out of place. Feeling like I don’t belong. I remember being thrown out of the room by my sisters most of the time when I wanted to join their hangout sessions with my cousins because they were much older than I was. Probably 3 or 6 years older and I was just a 7 year old kid. I remember being made fun of, a lot by my siblings because I was the ugliest. I remember how they teased me and told me I was adopted. I might as well have been as it’s fitting. I was the black sheep of the family, I still am.

The best thing that I could remember was owning a printed sleeveless top of Big Bird from Sesame Street. It was my favourite. I remember the many sketchbooks my father bought me and all I ended up drawing was monstrous looking fishes. Time and time again.

I remember living in fear. I was terrified of everything. Although I was treated as such by my siblings, I remember being terrified of losing them because they were all I have. I remember praying every night before I go to bed, praying for my family’s well-being.

I remember how pieces of papers allowed me to express. It helped me discover my ability to write about emotions. I remember how my family said I was a problematic child but they did nothing to make sure that I am mentally healthy because they didn’t believe in the importance of mental health. I remember the moment that my mind became my friend.

I couldn’t tell him that I had a happy childhood. All I could say is that it was fine, I had some good times and that I grew up okay. I cling more to things than I do to people and that is particularly evident as I grow older. That is why I dislike maintaining relationships because I find it unnecessary and troublesome as I enjoy being left alone.

I have become incredibly independent as I couldn’t depend on anyone growing up. I have grown to be cold and selfish. I dislike having emotions as it gets in my way but that doesn’t mean I don’t feel because I do, I felt a lot growing up and because of that I have programmed myself in a way that I am capable of switching it off.

I am capable of leaving everything that’s familiar behind and move forward because in the end I put myself first. My childhood has resulted in me feeling that I will never be good enough. That is something I’ve always apologized for because a terrible thing that is, having to burden someone with your own insecurities.

Things are better with my family now though especially when I moved out to attend a university 5 years ago. Distance did us good, at least I believe so in my point of view. I feel better. Nevertheless, I am grateful of my childhood. It has made me the person I am today. I have built myself from the ground and I have found the things I am truly good at. I have a set of principles that nobody can make me break. I have grown to be stronger than I could possibly imagine.

I supposed my childhood is the reason why I am particularly protective of children in general because I know how helpless they are, I understand how hurtful it is when your voice is ignored. I find it absolutely necessary not to let grown adults talk down to a child or speak to one in a rude manner because no matter how insignificant you think your action or word is, it’s not.

[allylilith]

I don't want to look at them nor hear them speak, it infuriates me of how they degrade one another, fighting over who's God's favourite.

@allylilith

[allylilith]

If I ever have children, I will make sure that they are showered with love, I will make sure that all they hear is how beautiful and brilliant they are. I will make sure that they have self-esteem so high that nothing and no one can make them feel inferior. They will believe that no dreams are too big and that there are nothing they can't do. They will become strong, much stronger than me.

[allylilith]

Playground