seekingserenity

INFJ 269 (6w7), he/they pronouns

[alternativechaosinemptiness]

Drowning

I am drowning Sitting at the bottom of a swimming pool Noise muffled, reduced to its melancholy tones And the solemn bubbling of the water The pressure bears down on me My head aches, my body is weighed down By its invisible chains I am drowning I cannot breathe All I see is blue and grey, All I feel is dark and muted I am sinking down deeper, I am drowning Sitting at the bottom of a swimming pool And you are the only reason I continue to draw breath

[alternativechaosinemptiness]

Labels and Definitions

Before I was even born, I was labeled as “pink” Because girls are girls and boys are boys But did anyone ever check what I think? Before I was even born, I was labeled as “black and white” Because girls like boys and boys like girls But did anyone ever check if that was, with me, alright? Now I am older and I know You can choose your own colors and hues The labels they put on you From the moment you are conceived Do not define who you really are Because you could be Pink, purple, orange, yellow, blue, or green Or maybe you’re all the colors Or none of them at all Because it’s not what’s on the outside That defines who we are: It’s the colors of our soul that No one can define with an x-ray or ultrasound or doctor’s inspection The colors of our soul that We are born with, and no one else can define

[alternativechaosinemptiness]

Thoughts

Nothing is real. You, me, everything. I am talking to a simulation. Everything fades to static, my ears hum, my eyes zone out, and I no longer know who I am or what I’m doing but my body is moving, moving, moving. My skin is buzzing, I am alive. I am afraid of what the body will do. It’s like Red is in control now, letting us channel these words through her. I am here, in the mind, but Red is in the body, which I do not consciously control, therefore it must be some other.

I do not know where my thoughts are. They seem gone, floating up in the clouds. It’s like my head is wrapped in cotton and I feel out of my own control. Physical sensations should help me feel more real but nothing is working. Help me. It’s not real they’re coming for me. I have to find Red, the voices say. 

My head is lost in the clouds while my body walks beneath and my heart soars and my skin and bones buzz with energy. I am expansive, I am elated, and suddenly I am so so angry and so so high. Suddenly I am snapping and yelling even though I would not normally. All my thoughts fly through my head, not necessarily in rapid succession, but they are there one minute and then gone the next. All my senses are elevated I can see all the colors smell all the smells feel all the sensations and hear all the sounds and it is so wonderful. Laughter, amusement, and surprise then turns to concern and fear in their eyes and my laughter turns to shouts and angry snippets of conversation. I descend into madness as the world denies the madness - although is that just another part of me going mad?

Am I insane?

[alternativechaosinemptiness]

Floating & On Fire

I can feel myself going up, up, up What sleep is, I no longer remember, I am an everlasting fire Every little spark makes the flame Burn brighter But there can never be enough sparks, Enough flames, My words race just like my thoughts and I suddenly believe everything I never would have There is this and that and this and that Until I lose track of where I started I keep going, going, going From one thing to the next Chasing something to fill the Need for the fire to burn bright as possible On and on, until I am falling again, Until I begin to drown under the weight of My own thoughts and slip into The deepest caves of madness Eventually emerging only to find The skies dark, dull, and grey I crash and burn, I am Nothing amidst the everything

[alternativechaosinemptiness]

They

They hold my hand,   Intertwining their fingers with mine   They wraps their arms around my waist,   Pulling me in closer   They shower me in little kisses,   Blushing and telling me how much they love me,   They fall asleep on my shoulder as we watch a movie,   Gently breathing, almost on top of me   They pull me in,   Pull in my thighs, Pull me down onto their lap,   Pull me into their arms as tears drip down my face,   They tell me I’m pretty,   They tell me they love me, They understand,   They are the other half of my soul, they are all the shades They are my significant other, And I am theirs

[alternativechaosinemptiness]

She

She holds my hand,  Intertwining her fingers with mine She wraps her arms around my waist, Pulling me in closer She showers me in little kisses, Blushing and telling me how much she loves me, She falls asleep on my shoulder as we watch a movie, Gently breathing, almost on top of me She pulls me in, Pulls in my thighs, Pulls me down onto her lap, Pulls me into her arms as tears drip down my face, She tells me I’m beautiful, She tells me she loves me, She understands, She is the other half of my soul, she is all the colors She is my girlfriend, And I am hers

[alternativechaosinemptiness]

Untitled

Everything dulls in my mind in comparison to you,

To you, my soul sings, my soul writes,

You, my hope bring on

Days when I forget

Those are the days on which

I also remember most

To you, thank you for being there

When I forget the most to remember

[alternativechaosinemptiness]

Sunsets

Somewhere we are beautiful, And the sun sets forever Orange red and gold Alone Peace One last sunset There together, but not even in the same place Before the eternal sleep Hanging in the last sunset

[alternativechaosinemptiness]

Waiting

I have been waiting for you A thousand years Time slowly ticking on What is brave Tears reflected in the crescent moon I will always Keep you in my thoughts I will always Be one step closer to you Every day But it’s not enough I will always  Feel the beads twisted Around my ankle And think of you Waiting, watching, hoping, Disappointed And reminded of you

[alternativechaosinemptiness]

They come in pairs, marching through our heads, taking over our bodies, turning us into monsters to the rest of the world, some exotic creature to study. Depression (left) and anxiety and/or OCD (right), depression (left) and (hypo)mania (right), DID (two different eyes - multiple personalities), etc.

[alternativechaosinemptiness]

Identity Pt. 2

I am more than I ever was,

A burning fire:

Who am I?

Now I know

The words come to me

The music sings,

The colors pop

I am real, hyper laughter and loud smiles and

Eyes of a million questions, intense highness.

I am real, me, I am someone

I know.

I suddenly know who I am, I am the one

And everyone else can see it

I am everything, so powerful

More than what I once was, who I once was

And instead of being someone else,

Now I am everyone

I am a million fragments of personalities I

Try on every day

And all of them are burning inside me now

Who am I?

Do you know who I am…

And do you understand it wholly, deeply,

And do you accept it, made of flaws as it is, Unconditionally?

… do you love me,

whoever that may be?,

However I may be?

[alternativechaosinemptiness]

Love You

He holds my hand, Intertwining his fingers with mine He wraps his arms around my waist, Pulling me in closer He showers me in little kisses, Blushing and telling me how much he loves me, He falls asleep on my shoulder as we watch a movie, Gently breathing, almost on top of me He pulls me in, Pulls in my thighs, Pulls me down onto his lap, Pulls me into his arms as tears drip down my face, He tells me I’m handsome, He tells me he loves me, He understands, He is the other half of my soul, he is all the resounding notes of the song He is my boyfriend And I am his

[alternativechaosinemptiness]

Bipolar Depression

It spirals, down and down, I can feel it going, Just like clockwork, Just like always I’m       ok       not     ay I will never truly belong In this world of yours In a world of Sunny days and clear skies I am a hurricane, In this bright world of Sunny days and clear skies I’m drowning At the bottom of the swimming pool As everyone lays back In their pool chairs in The bright warm world above

[alternativechaosinemptiness]

Missing

Orange, pink, and purple sunsets Grey, white, and blue skies Just wanted to say  I miss it all; I miss the way the words Flowed from my fingertips, I miss the way the music Resounded throughout my soul I miss the way I was So sure of myself I miss the way you would Blow a kiss on our calls And my heart would skip a beat I miss the way I saw you And my heart soared I miss the way you Intertwined your hand with mine And pulled me in closer I miss the sound of your voice, The feel of being in your arms, Seeing you every day, You were so beautiful, You were mine But now we are nothing And I miss all of you, I miss us. So much.

[alternativechaosinemptiness]

Identity

I am a ghost of what I once was,

An empty shell:

Who am I?

Now I know not

The words do not come to me

The music does not sing,

The colors do not pop

I am fake laughs and shallow smiles and

Eyes of a million questions, shame.

I am a fake, a pretender, I am someone

I know not.

I do not know who I am, maybe I am no one

And everyone else can see it

I am empty, devoid

Of what I once was, who I once was

And instead of being someone else,

Now I am not quite anyone

I am a million fragments of personalities I

Try on every day

Yet none of them fit quite right

Who am I?

Do you know who I am… 

And do you understand it wholly, deeply,

And do you accept it, made of flaws as it is, Unconditionally?

… do you love me,

whoever that may be?

[alternativechaosinemptiness]

“Home”

Quiet,

Silence

That is my home,

Not even my home, I only live there

But it is anything but lively

Here, cars and trucks and buses race past on the roads,

Here, rain chatters and wind whispers and sun laughs,

Here, there is the low hum of chatter and the creak of steps upstairs and heavy doors shutting

Here, there is life,

Home, there is only the quiet sort of death

We observe in silence

[alternativechaosinemptiness]

Prices

To live we must die,

Life comes at the price of death

Everything has a price to pay

And what goes up must come down