The Alt_Pro Bono Blog

What if the American media covered U.S. news the way it covers foreign countries—with a critical eye and as if the rule of law really mattered? It might look something like this.

[altprobono-blog]

Trump’s Letters to Former Girlfriends Unearthed

(Philadelphia, PA, Oct. 20, 2017) — Just days after the release of eight letters President Barack Obama wrote to a former college girlfriend in the 1980s — after he had transferred to Columbia University from Occidental College in California — several women who claim to be former girlfriends of President Donald J. Trump have come forward with letters they say they received from Donald Trump when he was in his twenties.

The largest collection was released by a woman who was a classmate of Mr. Trump’s at the University of Pennsylvania’s Wharton School. Like Obama, Trump also transferred from one college to another, and a handful of the letters were written to women he knew when he was a student at Fordham University in New York. Others were letters he wrote to women he had met in the New York City club scene.

Researchers have found surprising parallels between the letters penned by Obama and Trump, as both of them struggled to forge their identities as young men.

Excerpts from Obama’s letters, in italics, are juxtaposed below with similar excerpts from some of Trump’s letters.

“School. What intelligent observations can I glean from the first two weeks? I pass through the labyrinths, corridors, see familiar faces, select and discard classes and activities, fluctuate between unquenchable curiosity and heavy, inert boredom.”

“School is harder at Wharton than it was at Fordham. I have to go to class, which is really boring, but luckily I don’t have to do anything. Dad knows the Registrar so I’m not worried about passing.”

“I think of you often, though I stay confused about my feelings. It seems we will ever want what we cannot have; that’s what binds us; that’s what keeps us apart.”

“We broke up so I don’t know why you keep writing to me. I never think of you anymore. I’ve always gotten whatever I’ve wanted in life, and what I want now is for you to stop writing to me.”

“The only way to assuage my feelings of isolation are to absorb all the traditions, classes, make them mine, me theirs. Taken separately, they’re unacceptable and untenable.”

“College is boring. I can’t believe Dad is only giving me a million dollars to graduate college. He’s so cheap!”

“I’m treated with a mixture of puzzlement, deference and scorn [when visiting Indonesia] because I’m American, my money and my plane ticket back to the U.S. overriding my blackness. I see old dim roads, rickety homes winding back towards the fields, old routes of mine, routes I no longer have access to.”

“Over spring break Dad took me on a trip to a Middle Eastern country he said I can’t name. There was a prince or a sheik or something like that and he had a huge harem and we got our pick. Don’t be mad, you know I’m automatically attracted to beautiful women, I just start kissing them. I grab them by the pussy. I don’t even wait, just like when I met you at Studio 54.”

“Salaries in the community organizations are too low to survive on right now … so I hope to work in some more conventional capacity for a year, allowing me to store up enough nuts to pursue those interests next.”

“I heard about a guy I knew at military school who decided he wanted to save the world, so he went to work for a nonprofit. What a chump, he can barely pay his bills. Sad!”

“One week I can’t pay postage to mail a resume and writing sample, the next I have to bounce a check to rent a typewriter.”

“Remember that guy, [Name Redacted], who was in my Econ class, the one we liked even though he was on financial aid? He was a perfect fit for this job that I told him about, but I heard he got his resume in late because he couldn’t pay the postage. Why didn’t he just ask his parents to give him more money?”

“I trust you know that I miss you, that my concern for you is as wide as the air, my confidence in you as deep as the sea, my love rich and plentiful.”

“You’re a 10. Come to my place next time you’re in the city. I’ll show you a good time.”

“I feel sunk in that long corridor between old values, actions, modes of thought, and those that I seek, that I’m working towards.”

“I didn’t understand what you wrote in your last letter about values. Call me next time, reading is hard. But don’t worry, the values of the stocks Dad gave me are just fine.”

“I don’t distinguish between struggling with the world and struggling with myself.… I enter a pact with other people, other forces in the world, that their problems are mine and mine are theirs. … The minute others imprint my senses, they become me and I must deal with them or else close part of myself off and make myself and the world smaller, lukewarm.”

“I hate people.”

“I am not so naïve as to believe that a distinct line exists between romantic love and the more quotidian, but perhaps finer bonds of friendship, but I can feel the progression from one to the other (in my mind).”

“You looked a little fat the last time I saw you. I’m breaking up with you. Bye!”

“When I sit down to write, I no longer feel the need to bleed for brilliance on the page; I trust the strength of our relationship enough that I can show myself with curlers in my hair, my will sapped, my confidence shaken, a bit peevish perhaps, a bit dull.”

“Someone told me you made fun of my comb-over. I’m breaking up with you. Bye!”

“The resistance I wage does wear me down — because of the position, the best I can hope for is a draw, since I have no vehicle or forum to try to change things. For this reason, I can’t stay [at this job] very much longer than a year. Thankfully, I don’t yet feel like the job has dulled my senses or done irreparable damage to my values, although it has stalled their growth.”

“Working for my father is fine. He’s teaching me things like how to keep black people from renting apartments in his buildings. I can’t wait until I have my own buildings and can keep them all white just like Dad’s.”

“My ideas aren’t as crystallized as they were while in school, but they have an immediacy and weight that may be more useful if and when I’m less observer and more participant.”

“I think I’d like to be President of the United States someday, but Dad says that’s for politicians that have something specific they care about, other than hating black people. But I think hating black people is enough. I need to make a few billion dollars first, but then instead of retiring I might give the president thing a go someday.”

[altprobono-blog]

Breaking News: Trump Takes Questions

[What if the American media covered U.S. news the way it covers foreign countries—with a critical eye and as if the rule of law really mattered? It might look something like this.]  

(Washington, DC, USA, Oct. 16, 2017)- In a break with the dictator’s established practice, U.S. President Donald J. Trump took questions from the press today.

International observers have frequently observed that in addition to his overt efforts to destroy the free press — the formerly proud “fourth estate” of American democracy, now a tattered shambles of its former self — the American president does not appear to have a solid enough grasp of the fundamental workings of his own government to answer basic questions about his purported policies.

Today’s press conference, which was supposedly called in order to announce a new federal Executive Order banning adult day care, was no different and quickly veered off course. Mr. Trump took his first question from a CNN reporter, who asked whether the president was planning on firing Treasury Secretary Steven Terner Mnuchin. Mnuchin has reportedly taken seven trips on government jets in the six months he has been in office, at a total cost of approximately $800,000.

“That’s ridiculous,” the President replied. “Why would I fire a guy for working so hard? Travel is tough. Everyone would rather sleep in their own bed than travel.”

“I’m also not planning on firing Rex Tillerson, that guy who took over Hillary’s old job, even though he’s wasting time talking to Rocket Man,” the President said. “I’m not planning on firing Attorney General Jeff Sessions, even though he looks like a Hobbit. I’m not planning on firing War [sic] Secretary Jim Mattis, because he scares me, if I’m completely honest. And I’m not planning on firing Chief of Staff John Kelly, because he won’t let me.”

Asked about his plans for the Justice Department’s special counsel, Robert Mueller, Mr. Trump said, “Oh, him I’d like to fire. I’d love to point my finger at him and say ‘You’re fired!’” They tell me I can’t do that, but I really want to. The whole thing is ridiculous, because it’s obvious that Russia interfered in our election, so there’s really no point to this so-called investigation he’s carrying on.”

Mr. Trump went on to say, “It’s been stated that they have collusion. They ought to get to the end of it because I really don’t understand what that word means and I’m really sick of it.”

__________

This is satire. But is it really? Is it?

[altprobono-blog]

U.S. President Says He Will Meet with Queen of Puerto Rico

[What if the American media covered U.S. news the way it covers foreign countries—with a critical eye and as if the rule of law really mattered? It might look something like this.]

“President Donald Trump accidentally referred to the Virgin Islands’ governor as their President during a speech Friday – even though he is technically their President.”

—CNN, Oct. 13, 2017

(Washington, DC, USA, Oct. 13, 2017) - U.S. President Donald J. Trump said in a speech today that he looks forward to his upcoming meeting with the Queen of Puerto Rico. This was shortly after he told a gathering here that he had just met with the President of the Virgin Islands.

Both Puerto Rico and the Virgin Islands are territories of the United States, the country of which Mr. Trump is President.

In a late-night post to Twitter, the President wrote, “Dems are criticizing me because I’ll meet with Queen of Puerto Rico. That’s because they know she’s a #WelfareQueen.”

The U.S. Virgin Islands, formerly the Danish West Indies, were sold by Denmark to the United States in 1917 for $25 million and re-named the United States Virgin Islands.

Lars Løkke Rasmussen, the current Danish Prime Minister, was quoted in the Danish daily newspaper Politiken as saying, “If the United States has renounced its sovereignty over the Virgin Islands, it seems that Denmark may have a foothold in the Caribbean again.”

Calls to the Embassy of Spain with a request for comments about the status of Puerto Rico, which Spain lost to the United States in the Spanish-American War in 1898, went unanswered.

[altprobono-blog]

White House Will Protect Immigrant Youth by Sacrificing Immigrant Youth

(Washington, D.C., USA, Oct. 13, 2017) - In its "Immigration Principles & Policies" paper sent to Congress earlier this week, the Trump Administration offered to support legislative relief for “Dreamers”—young immigrants brought to the United States unlawfully by their parents—in return for banning immigration by unaccompanied young immigrants fleeing to the United States on their own in order to escape violence and persecution in their home countries.

While President Trump has sought from the inception of his rule over the troubled United States of America to ban most immigration, he has also hinted that he would help the Dreamers. But a cover letter from Trump transmitting the new position paper to Congress now makes clear his true intention: to use these vulnerable young people as pawns in order to halt further immigration, including by other, equally vulnerable young people.

“These findings outline reforms that must be included as part of any legislation addressing the status of Deferred Action for Childhood Arrivals (DACA) recipients,” somebody wrote for the President in the letter.

Looking down at a piece of paper during a recent campaign rally, in a vain attempt to look like he was actually reading, the President said, "Conditions in Central America—which is part of South America—are a nightmare.”  Clearly going off any possible script, he continued, “Mexico, which is also part of South America, is also a nightmare. We cannot allow these South American kids to come to America in order to improve their dreams.”

As part of Trump’s primary agenda to dismantle every possible achievement by his predecessor, former President Barack Obama, the Administration had already suspended the Obama Administration’s Central American Minors (CAM) program. The CAM program, which established an in-country procedure for minors from Honduras, El Salvador and Guatemala (known collectively as the Northern Triangle of Central America) to apply for refugee status in the United States, was originally established as a means of discouraging unaccompanied minors from making the dangerous journey to the United States. The Northern Triangle countries are three of the five most violent countries in the world.

Now the Trump Administration further proposes to expeditiously deport unaccompanied children arriving at the U.S.-Mexico border; roll back current protections in the Special Immigrant Juvenile law; terminate a court settlement that does not permit the government to hold children in prison-like facilities; and require children seeking asylum to do so in adversarial court proceedings where they are not entitled to court-appointed counsel.

In an early morning tweet today, the President sought to clarify his intentions. He wrote, “Kids can’t come to the US just to escape nightmares. If they’re scared of the dark, maybe they should just buy a night light. #MakeAmericaLightAgain.”

[altprobono-blog]

Trump Praises Millions Who ‘Come Out’ as Racists on National Coming Out Day

[What if the American media covered U.S. news the way it covers foreign countries—with a critical eye and as if the rule of law really mattered? It might look something like this.]  

(Mar-a-Lago, Florida, USA, Oct. 12, 2017) - In an early morning post on Twitter, U.S. President Donald J. Trump praised the millions of Americans who used social media to “come out” as racists yesterday on National Coming Out Day.

Trump’s tweet said, “I salute the billions [sic] of true Americans who aren’t afraid to stand up in support of this wonderful white nation of ours. They are patriots! #MAGA.”

National Coming Out day is an annual holiday in the United States which is meant to celebrate coming out as lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer (LGBTQ) or as an ally. This year, for the first time the holiday was co-opted by millions of Trump supporters who used the opportunity to express their support for the Ku Klux Klan, the Aryan Nation, the American Nazi Party, and other white supremacist hate groups.

A man whose Twitter handle is @MAWA told a reporter, “I used to be afraid to speak openly about my racism. But now that we have a Racist-in-Chief in the White House, me and my friends and family can be the proud racists in public that we always been in private.”

The term “coming out”—which refers to a process of acknowledging openly that one is LGBTQ—is a metaphorical description of coming out of the “closet” or coming out of hiding. In the United States, LGBTQ people are still routinely discriminated against and subject to assault and even murder, making coming out an often-risky proposition.

The term “closeted” is also frequently used in the vernacular American language to refer to people who, fearing family rejection, societal ostracism, discrimination and violence, attempt to hide their sexual preference from others.

It was not clear whether the semi-illiterate American president understood the difference between “millions” and “billions.” The current estimated population of the United States is 323 million.

[altprobono-blog]

EPA Releases New Climate Change Actuarial Stats

(Washington, D.C., USA, Oct. 1, 2017) - The Federal Environmental Polluters Agency (EPA) today released updated Climate Change Generational Impact (CCGI) actuarial tables for the 2018 fiscal year which began on October 1, 2017. For the tenth year in a row, the statistics show that the chances that one’s great-grandchildren will be unaffected by the impact of hurricanes, wildfires, earthquakes and the melting of polar ice caps is greatest for white men with assets in excess of US $500 million.

The tables evaluate the impact of climate change and global warming on future generations of Americans broken down by race, ethnicity, gender, age, income and location. As in past years, low-income black female residents of low-lying coastal areas fare the worst, with the chances of survival of future generations the lowest of all Americans. (Statistics were adjusted to account for the high percentage of black males who are incarcerated or not part of the formal work force.) White male oil industry chief executives living in Texas scored the highest, with Connecticut-based hedge fund managers coming in a close second.

The EPA has been maintaining the CCGI tables since Congress passed the “Forget About The Climate And geT rich while you can (FATCAT) Act” in the wake of the devastation wrought by Hurricane Katrina in 2005.

“Houston is a bit too close to the Gulf for comfort,” said an oil and gas executive who appeared on “60 Minutes” this week with his face screened and his voice digitally altered. “We know that New Orleans will soon be engulfed, and Hurricane Harvey this year demonstrated that Houston is not far behind. But I’ve moved my family to Dallas, and I feel confident that my family will be well-protected for generations to come from the environmental degradation for which I am personally responsible.”

A hedge fund manager based in Greenwich, Connecticut, who did not want to be identified for fear of mobs gathering at the gate of his 100-acre estate in Greenwich’s tony “back country,” said, “We tried investing in clean energy initiatives, but who were we kidding? There’s no money there. Coal-belching factories in China and underpaid labor-intensive enterprises in India provide a much better return on investment.”

He continued, “As for me, between the federal carried interest tax loophole and Connecticut’s lack of an income tax, I can afford to live insulated from any negative impact from global warming. My family will be fine at least for the next two or three generations. And that’s all that matters, right?”

[altprobono-blog]

Weinstein Affair Shows How U.S. Culture Enables Sexual Predators and Oppresses Women

(Los Angeles, CA, USA, Oct. 10, 2017) - New accusations of sexual assault against Hollywood mogul Harvey Weinstein are just the latest in a string of recent allegations against high-profile men in the United States that they engaged in the sexual harassment or sexual assault of women. Indeed, the very term “sexual assault”—which is often used even in instances of rape—is a euphemism that was coined in this troubled country, where women are still second class citizens by any international measure.

In a nation that proudly classes itself among the world’s “advanced” industrial countries, the position of women lags woefully behind even so-called less developed nations.  The 2016 election of an admitted sexual predator, Donald Trump, to the nation’s highest office is just the most prominent recent example of a misogynistic cultural environment that nurtures and enables the sexual exploitation of women.

U.S. Lags Behind Most Other Nations in Status of Women

For example, the United States—unlike numerous other nations including Denmark, Germany, Iceland, India, Ireland, Israel, Namibia, Pakistan, Peru, the Philippines, South Korea and the United Kingdom, to name just a few—has never had a female head of state (or head of government).  The Democratic Party’s decision to field a female candidate against the Republican Party’s candidate in the latest presidential election is largely credited, together with assistance from the Russian government’s sophisticated propaganda machine, with ensuring the Republican’s election in November 2016.

Other indicia of the low status of women in the United States include the high infant and maternal mortality rate, high rate of teen pregnancy, lack of affordable daycare, systematic underpayment of women in the workforce, and recent moves by both the federal and state governments to restrict women’s access to contraception.

Some of the country’s semi-sovereign sub-states even prohibit medical professionals from telling women about certain contraceptive options, or force them to subject women to invasive, medically-unnecessary procedures as a condition of gaining access to basic family planning measures.

The United States is one of only nine nations in the world that do not provide paid maternity leave. The other eight are Marshall Islands, Micronesia, Niue, Nauru, Palau, Papua New Guinea, Suriname and Tonga.

U.S. Law Allows Perpetrators to Buy Victims’ Silence

The explosive allegations against Weinstein, the truth of which he has largely admitted, come in the wake of stories of alleged sexual misconduct by other prominent American men in recent years, including newscasters Bill O’Reilly and Roger Ailes, entertainer Bill Cosby, and of course the U.S. president himself, Donald “Grab Them By The Pussy” Trump. With the exception of Mr. Trump, the others named here have not only allegedly exploited women for sexual purposes for years, but have also convinced the victims to stay silent by paying them large amounts of money.

U.S. law allows for private contracts that exchange money for silence about the occurrence of gross violations of the law, including sexual crimes that could otherwise carry heavy penalties, including lengthy prison sentences. Perpetrators with money are thereby able to avoid prosecution after such contracts are executed, whereas the victims are subject to prosecution and onerous financial penalties if they even acknowledge the existence of the underlying crimes.

Weinstein had reportedly entered into a number of such money-for-silence contracts with numerous women over a period of several decades.

Authorities did attempt to prosecute Mr. Cosby, but the case ended in a mistrial, with jurors so blinded by his celebrity that they were unable to fairly evaluate the considerable evidence against him.

A call to the White House to ask whether Mr. Trump has ever paid off a woman to escape prosecution for sexual assault went unanswered.

[altprobono-blog]

Deranged U.S. President Claims He’s a ‘Genius’

(Cornwall-on-Hudson, NY, USA, Oct. 10, 2017) - In response to reports that one of his senior cabinet members called him a “fucking moron,” the deranged American President, Donald Trump, claimed to have proof that he is a genius. But a leaked document from the New York Military Academy in Cornwall-on-Hudson, New York, shows that an IQ test the young Trump took just after entering the school resulted in a score putting him in the “borderline deficiency” range.

Making a surprise appearance at a White House press conference today, Trump pushed aside his Press Secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, and waved a handful of papers at the press pool.

“These are my IQ test scores, my SAT scores and the results of the Iowa Test I took in fifth grade,” he said. “The scores are high, really high. They’re beautiful and high. I have an IQ of 203. My SAT scores broke the scale. They didn’t have a scale high enough. And my reading comprehension score on the Iowa Test was unmeasurable. They couldn’t even measure it, that’s how unmeasurable it was.”

When asked if he would release copies of the documents to the press, the President demurred. “These are confidential documents. Even I’m not supposed to have them,” he said. “But when you’re the President, they let you have them. They let you have anything you want.”

A former senior administrator at the New York Military Academy later leaked a document which appears to be a page from an intelligence test administered to Donald John Trump in 1959, when he was 13 years old. The document indicates that Trump earned a score of 70―traditionally considered a sign of mild mental retardation.

“Now, I’m not saying Donald was an imbecile,” the former school official said. “A moron, maybe, but not an imbecile.”

A retired New York Military Academy drill sergeant, who did not want to be identified because he was bound by a nondisclosure agreement, told a reporter, “Trump? He was a fucking moron. But he was very assertive, very self-confident, and he managed to get the other boys to bend to his will.” He went on to say, “Donald had what they now call emotional intelligence. I guess you could say that’s a kind of genius.”

In a follow-up post on Twitter, Trump wrote, “My former drill sergeant told the failing press that I’m a genius. At least they reported that right. #NotFakeNews.”

Ms. Huckabee-Sanders is resting at home after recovering from a dislocated shoulder and minor injuries to her face.

[altprobono-blog]

About This Blog

I am a pro bono lawyer working in Big Law, tired of banging my head against the wall of injustice. It’s time to stand up, speak out, resist, break free of my golden handcuffs.  Follow me on Twitter: @Alt_ProBono.

This blog was inspired by the Washington Post’s Global Opinions Editor, Karen Attiah, whose wonderful October 8, 2017 satire—entitled “What if Western media covered Las Vegas the same way it covers foreign nations?"—started like this: 

"This week international analysts are sounding the alarm on the increasing instability of the United States after an outbreak of gun violence, government corruption scandals and failure to provide basic services to citizens.”

Let’s continue in that vein.