shitposting sanguivore

Alucard / i dont really care about gender but he pronouns are good / roughly 575 years old / the most handsome vampire ever. This is a sideblog because Sir Integra wants to keep tabs on me because of ""indecent behaviour"" whatever that's supposed to mean.

[witchscarlet]

fuck it a vampire with a gun

[witchscarlet]

count glockula

[henstomper]

over one hundred terror bytes of scary images on my horrifying hard drive

[unclefather]

If you have “official” in your username people are legally allowed to throw pennies at you at breakneck speeds causing welts

[alucardofficial]

my body will simply form horrible shapes and angles to avoide the pennies. this is inevitable...

[itoshiki]

[alucardofficial]

deez nutzferatu

[alucardofficial]

there’s a really big moose head trophy mounted on the wall of Integra’s room, and sometimes i take it down and stick my own head through the wall where it was, to try and startle her.

it never works, she just tosses her hat and coat on me like she does with the moose

[alucardofficial]

the tv in my lair is from the 90s. the 90s! that’s illegal!

[alucardofficial]

i was banned from Hot Topic because people thought i was a mannequin and took all my clothes off

[alucardofficial]

there are straps on the front of my leather suit because if there wasn’t, you’d see my nipples. it’s cold in the basement

[alucardofficial]

Integra will never let me have a phone now that i’ve told her that i’d want “the audible rumbling whoosh of a blood volcano erupting out of someone’s chest as they howl and screech like a hammy actor” as my ringtone

[alucardofficial]

sadly, i have to retire this blog. i want to spend what little time Integra has left making her happy, since she isn't getting any younger and i'm not getting any less in love with her and also i still haven't beaten her in Monopoly 

i may still post occasionally though because im just rAnDoM like that

[alucardofficial]

being in servitude to Integra has made me so much better. for instance, I no longer teabag my fallen foes

[alucardofficial]

i don't "stalk", i mosey. don't mistake me for those scrub poser vamps that stalk

[alucardofficial]

i assure you i spend every waking moment practicing being ridiculously photogenic

[thecutestlittlepotato]

…….

[alucardofficial]

Your point being...?

[alucardofficial]

i assure you i spend every waking moment practicing being ridiculously photogenic

[alucardofficial]

finally managed to get a vacation, so there’s going to be a little hiatus. hopefully less than 30 years, hah

[alucardofficial]

the price i paid for immortality was sad flat bony asscheeks