Hello š I hope people can actually see this and it's not supressed in anyone's dashes.
To get the most immediate questions out of the way, since it's been about 5-6 months: Yes, I'm alive and okay, and so is my immediate family. However, life has been chaotic and busy to say the least, so here's the bombshell:
I have no idea if this is goodbye or not. The rest of this post is going to be me explaining where I've been and why I'm at such a crossroads right now. (Heads up, death, grief, and negative self-talk will be discussed)
Let's start with the good stuff, cause good things have happened. I've gotten a full-time job, and it's a job I really enjoy so far! Today was my first day out of training and to make a long story short, it was a good omen for the rest of my career there. The people are nice and it's not catty and filled with unrealistic standards like my last jobs have been. In addition, I've been working on a fantasy project with an IRL friend of mine; it's still in early development, but if all goes well we're gonna try Kickstarting it into an episodic series of some kind. Even if we're only able to meet up once or twice a month to discuss things I'm really happy with the progress we've made so far.
However, I'd be remiss to not mention the bad things. I probably alluded to it last year as it being the main reason I wasn't around last summer, but a sister of my grandma's, who I was very close to, passed away roughly a year ago and it hit me hard. It was my first experience with grief and although I'd like to say I've done my best to move forward I'd be lying if I said it doesn't still hurt. Then, earlier this year, another sister of hers died. She's the only one of her siblings left now, and since she's not exactly young I've been dealing with constant, unnecessary feelings of paranoia about her dying unexpectedly, too, for about three months now.
They got worse when she had a weeklong spell of dizziness in April, and although she recovered and it wasn't anything life threatening it still shook me terribly and only heightened those feelings I just discussed. I'm still coming down from it; the new job is thankfully helping.
Finally, I've just been dealing with all sorts of negative self talk across the board, even before the stuff with my grandma. About not being able to get a job, about having to settle with something outside of my degree when I did get a job, general feelings of uselessness and putting dreams on the backburner, heightened anxiety (and not just about Grandma), and what I'm beginning to suspect is intrusive thoughts that have gone unaddressed/untreated for way too fucking long. I've been considering going back to therapy, at least.
I remembered that I'd left all of you hanging here when the Deltarune trailer for Chapter 5 came out this week. But if I'm gonna be honest, when I did have moments to think about being here prior to then, they weren't the most positive. I thought about how I'd just gotten up and ran away, as I've done so repeatedly. How I've undoubtedly caused a ton of frustration and annoyance due to this. Most of all, how I've failed myself. This place began six years ago as a fun, carefree way to keep up with my creative writing skills, and every time I've been here with threads active, as fun as it was replying become another thing on my checklist of things to do. Like another obligation, like cleaning my room or grabbing some things for dinner.
I failed myself, but you guys most of all. I completely understand if you see this wall of text and just scroll right past, or shake your head and don't interact. I wouldn't blame you, I'd do the same thing if I were you. I've gotten caught up in other creative projects, with life as well (as we all do). If you'd asked me two months ago, I'd tell you I was gonna delete everything and never come back.
But when that trailer dropped this week, I remembered all of the reasons I stayed. The consistently positive, friendly and fun interactions I've had with all of mutuals, who stuck around despite all of my hiatuses. Us just shooting the shit in our DMs, regardless of time of day. The stories we all wove together. The compliments, big and small, which all made my heart soar and made me feel more confident in my work...my work which, in real life, I've never really shown to more than my closest friends.
I couldn't leave all of that without saying goodbye. In fact, I wasn't sure anymore if I wanted to leave at all. Like I said, I'm at a crossroads. Do I make this farewell, focus on the exciting directions my life is taking me and try not to look back? Or do I make this a "see you soon", see what life has in store for the next few weeks and see if my mental health (and free time) has improved enough to come back?
Things would certainly have to change and be cleaned up if I did. And if I know my life, I'm sure a few weeks at this job will leave me in a good enough routine that I'm fresh and ready to return. But I just don't know for sure. So I'm gonna leave things like this.
If this isn't goodbye...thank you, somehow, for sticking with me through all of my bullshit. I'll be in a better state soon, I'm sure, but for now, hold on just a little while longer. Garnet and all of the others you know and love will be back in a bit.
If this is...I really can't imagine my college years without all of the times I logged on to reply to threads instead of doing homework or studying for exams. You guys have been a foundational part of my life and my creativity going forward. If you aren't too mad at me, my Discord is rubylikethegemstone. If any of you ever want to say hi, discuss common interests, hell, even do RP there and continue our character discussions like nothing every happened...please, feel free. I can leave this website behind, but I can't imagine for a second leaving you all.
But the truth is, I don't know what I'm gonna do. So rather than truly say goodbye or see you soon for now, I'm just gonna say that I'm gonna go and grab a drink. Whatever happens, I'm sure I'll see you guys again. Just know regardless, I have you guys to thank for helping me grow confident in my ability to write fiction and character dialogue.
