Before I say anything else, I want to start by thanking everyone who saw my giant wall of text from last Friday and didn't immediately look the other way. I still don't know for sure if I truly deserve it, but between the likes I received there and the messages I've received on Discord, I know I haven't been forgotten despite my bullshit. That truly means a lot.
However, it's also definitely been an awakening of sorts. This whole process of reconnecting with longtime mutuals who were either worried about me or thinking I was intentionally ignoring them has made me feel even worse about my months-long hiatuses than I already do (even though many of them have assured me that we're still cool). It led to me thinking about what exactly was the root of many of these hiatuses beyond being busy with college or work, and I was left staring in the face of a very obvious answer. Burnout.
I had it drilled into my head that if I wasn't active every day and answering asks and replies immediately, I'd be forgotten or pushed aside in favor of those who were more active. I'd go at it day after day for a month or two, inevitably miss a day due to being away from my laptop for any number of reasons...and then it would all hit at once, and I'd be zapped of any and all motivation to write. Weeks away would turn into months, with no indications on my part as to what the fuck was going on and when I was going to return...and when I did return, rinse and repeat.
IRL events haven't helped this obviously, but stepping back made me see this pattern clearly for the first time. If I'm going to return, between this and my full-time work hours things clearly need to change. Most of all I definitely need to get better at letting people know I'm not dead and just going on a hiatus (as well as communication in general).
But before I get into any of that...I fully realize what writing a big sappy post like that, only to come back in a somewhat better mindset no less than a week later, is going to look like. A massive pile of clickbait to make you feel sorry for me after being gone without explanation for almost half a year. I also know what it's going to look like as I continue on and desperately tell you things that suggests otherwise...but please, trust me when I say I wouldn't pull crap like that after being gone for so long.
I meant every goddamn word I typed on that thing-in fact, I started crying and had to take tissue breaks every couple of minutes as I started writing my potential goodbyes. A week ago I had no clue what I was going to do, and things as a whole felt uncertain. IRL worries aside I was terrified of what people's reactions would be, if anyone would even attempt to reach back out in return, and so on and so forth. The future is still as uncertain to me as it was a week ago, but chatting with everyone again got me nostalgic and looking back across my blogs at all of the things I was up to.
To make a long story short, I vastly underestimated how much I would miss this place. I got this deep melancholic pit in my stomach that was followed by the urge to return, even if I didn't throw myself back into threads right away. Almost as soon as I got this urge, though, I started thinking about what I could do to ensure I actually made good on coming back and didn't immediately disappear again as I've done a stupid amount of times in the past.
Even if I'm only on my side blogs for the time being-mainly due to new Deltarune coming and my fixation for a certain detective returning in full force for the first time since January-I do indeed want to return. But there's going to be two major changes in order to make this possible and sustainable, so that I might eventually return to all four of my blogs and not just two.
Going forward, large amounts of activity are going to be limited to weekends. Not only is this because of my full-time schedule, this will hopefully ensure that I don't fall back into old and terrible habits and burn out again. Does this mean you'll never see me post or reblog things on weekdays? Of course not, and I may even do small in character things if I have the mental capacity for it. But this is for my own sanity more than anything else.
I'm also going to be pushing my Discord more. I don't think I use Tumblr's IMs as much as I should, but even if I did I'm much faster and more quick to respond on Discord than I am with messages on here. If you're comfortable sharing your Discord and you want to chat about literally anything, RP related or not? I'm active there regardless of the day of the week, and if I don't immediately respond I'm most likely at work. Again, my username there is rubylikethegemstone.
I'm not sure if I'm going to make my return this weekend or the next; the most likely scenario is I reblog stuff/push starters on Sunday and then get to them on Friday. But I do know that I want to at least try to come back. If there's not much interaction due to this decreased level of activity, well I'll cross that bridge when I get to it. But after reconnecting with some of y'all this past week, I don't think I would forgive myself if I didn't give this one last attempt.
So...I'll see you guys very very soon. Let's give this one last shot, shall we?
