I Don't Get It

Home to my heart. Of my blood, and shakes, and tears. A place where writing-therapy meets absolute chaos. Welcome to my mind. I wouldn't mind if you wanted to send me questions, or inspiration, or asking for inspiration. I can come up with many different characters, or scenarios, or word-help. And I'd be more than happy to help in any way. It makes me feel competent and increases my self-worth, no pressure.

[am-i-doing-it-all-wrong]

Not Here

I’m going to stop posting here because all my attention will be in my new blog water-the-plants

it won’t have any of my writing, but this isn’t going to have any more writing

follow, unfollow, that’s up to you

[am-i-doing-it-all-wrong]

Those Words

They were ready to leave. There were words caught in each of their throats. Time Passed, and they still remained lodged. They parted ways, choking on words unspoken.

The day passed. They see each other again, and almost speak the words, but again they go unsaid. Their faces both go hot with the congestion.

It is another time in the future. One of them slips out the words; the other stands stunned that they were the same words they meant to say, but didn't. The one who spoke the words, wishing that they didn't; the one who didn't, bewildered but glad they did. They both stand silent, blinking.

The silence that passed between them is gone now, as well as many more silences. They are close now, and often spend many times together laughing and crying. There are many times they speak, and very little do words get caught in their throats anymore. It was a difficult decision for them to decide to tell the other about their words, but now they know that they share so many, it made them feel safe knowing there was someone who understood.

[am-i-doing-it-all-wrong]

Me and my mind

I have a pencil in my hand at 3am And madness in my mind Creativity to match a child And an infinity for the world to find - It's in my eye It's in the shadows It's in the dark corners It's in my laugh And I let it show itself on the paper As I trace around it And now it is with me - And we laugh at how the other looks And I trace another And now it is apparent that I am outnumbered So I tear them all out And now they speak about where they want to be So I put them there - They told me to go So here I am laying in my bed But there they are And I close my eyes to meet them

[am-i-doing-it-all-wrong]

Dreams from Earth

7 billion people and counting stand shoulder to shoulder Their feet crush the life below with every shifting step Some choose to tear up clumps of it In exchange for materials and wealth Some carry knives in case another carries knives Almost everyone has knives now A few slash at each other Their senses dulled to the screams of others And the blood dripping on their shoulders 7 billion people and some kill another Some give their blood Some give their food It's the same person All look at the sky in fear and wonder and awe 7 billion people dream of touching a star But a few say no And the rest obey 7 billion people multiply And as the noise and lights of their neighbors intensifies They cry out to the only star they can see, the day star Why can't they leave? 7 billion people stand cramped And the life below is frightened and scarce And the heat of the people makes them more scarce A few care, most don't They all just want to leave But a few were scared Or clung too tightly to their wealth And felt oppressed by the infinite void beyond And had the power to say no And so the rest obey Reducing their numbers is unethical Cutting one life short is tragic And yet we are uncomfortably tight on our home With the infinite space upwards to grow We choose to stay here We obey and stay here Although our eyes are filled with the glory of darkness And the life beneath our feet becoming ash

[am-i-doing-it-all-wrong]

what do I expect?

for people to take me apart like a machine

to pry me open while I sleep

take out this darkness inside of me

to fix the destruction it caused me

to straighten bent cogs

to replant the withering root of curiosity

please

I can't take much more

can you please take this from me

burn it to ashes

throw it into the greatest vacuum of space

I can't have it be in here with me

with it touching me

it withers away at me

please

I want help

I want to live

but I don't know how anymore

existence is killing me

I cannot live with this

I need help

please

you don't need to poison yourself by touching me

just tell me where I can go to get this darkness removed

I want to live

I want to live

I can't

and I need help

[am-i-doing-it-all-wrong]

Walls

I am jumping over hurdles

and smacking into walls

crashing into glass

with spikes to catch my fall

~

I have shrieks to guide me

nettle to ease the pain

silence to guide me

and coal to clear my name

~

I have shame and guilt

fear and dispair

I have nothing at all

nothing to spare

~

nothing to hold

everything to lose

everything that holds me

nothing that slays me

~

I awake in the morning with bruises for skin

blisters for feet

and telescopes for eyes

and I cry and I cry and I cry

as I stand myself up

to try to move forward again

~

but each time up is weaker than the last

as the sun sets

from the future

to the past

[am-i-doing-it-all-wrong]

If I Can Make it Through Today

If I can get through today

If I can brace myself against the tundra

If I can write for the class that I'm failing

If I can sit by myself  during lunch

If I can hold my emotions together

One more day

One more night

~

Because tomorrow I have more problems to face

And If I can get through them

Just one more day

Just one more lunch alone

Just one more late assignment turned in

Just one more night

~

Then I will have the next day

With more issues to deal with

With one more lunch alone

With one more book to read through

One more set to finish

~

So I can have the next day

And the next set of problems

And the next set of lunches alone

And the next tear to swallow

And the next breath to take

If I can only make it to the next day

Everything will be okay.

[am-i-doing-it-all-wrong]

Who is This

I see his shadow

Listen to him behind me

Hear his listening when I talk

Unless I am imagining it

~

I barely know him

Except for his name

And I almost never remember anyone's names

~

Why is he so precious to me

When I don't know his favorite songs

Or his pet peeves

Or if he will let me bake dozens of cookies for him

But only when I want to

~

But we watched tv together

And I wasn't annoyed by his singing or his comments

Even though I am with everybody else

~

And I relax

And my heart tenses

We'll see each other tomorrow

And maybe I'll get the chance

To say his name

[am-i-doing-it-all-wrong]

Name

I called out his name

But it was only in my head

And as I realized

I turned towards him

~

He didn't see me

He didn't see me

Stop thinking stop thinking Stop.

~

I smile to his back

And whisper to him thanks

For the wonderful night

~

I only wish I he could hear me

I only wish I had said his name

I only wish he knew how much I loved him

[am-i-doing-it-all-wrong]

Cup

I heard a speech once They said all the stresses in life Are a cup of water The more I hold it The more I hurt "Remember to set it down", they say As if it were easy As setting down a cup This cup Is shackled to me This cup Has become my arm This cup Has no table to rest it Even if you were to hold This cup I would feel it's weight For burdening you Nothing is free they say And I disagree I who has had nothing Was given this cup

[am-i-doing-it-all-wrong]

Spider

I have a spider Oh how it is fed As it sits atop  Its delicate thread Threads woven Tangles of Design Almost invisible It being so fine And atop this web  It traps its meal  What once was free For it to steal Poisoned Then Hollow Oh such horror, Painfully real On such thread Stronger than steel On tangles of design

[am-i-doing-it-all-wrong]

The Beast from the Sky

[am-i-doing-it-all-wrong]

Wilow tree

A willow by the river sings

Its roots draped down into

The Stench below

Taking with it

All that is impure

And cleansing it

Pure

It sings through the bark

And exhales through the leaves

[am-i-doing-it-all-wrong]

Sand and glass

I thought That we were going to stay as sand forever We could change with the wind And be together As a coast Or an island Or a desert

I slowly came to recognize The sands I once knew Becoming molten

Others threw themselves into this pool But I felt confident That staying away was the best decision

I knew that They would soon harden And how fragile they would be How they could never be The sand that I was

Many times I would see Those who had become glass Looking at me Sad And I would feel proud of my decision

Sometimes, though, I would see The glass And I felt ugly in comparison

I would see them Sparkle and clink With their vibrant colors

I would feel selfish For thinking I was the right one And for not dipping myself into the molten flame When I had the chance

There were still sands around me But they felt crushing They wore me down until I was but a flick of dust And still they kept tearing

I was unneeded in this place And no longer did I want it in my life I had had my chance When I was young And now it was too late I had waited too long

The pools of fire would not accept me They would never accept me Never again And I became a failure

[am-i-doing-it-all-wrong]

I am acursed in this timeline Forced forward by time and society I am not ready Stop I am not ready Voices yell to me Shaking me for not doing yesterday What is due today All I can do is look back To look back, and to cry In my dreams I am all things I dive from person to person Not restrained for too long Free to become the everything But in life I have been sewn To this heavy body For years and years I do not know for how much I can hold I do not why I am still holding For this divine hell that I exist in Made up of existence And limit And boundary It feels like everything is around me But just out of reach

[am-i-doing-it-all-wrong]

After I gave My Heart to you I stayed up Regretting giving My Burden to you And you who I startled And who I ran from And didn't bother to see Didn't want to see My heart break its quiver And section to pieces Onto the pavement. So sick was I Of worry That when I saw you again With Heart to me I quaked with grief Only to look At this shaking soul To see It was yours

[am-i-doing-it-all-wrong]

Golden Rule

The way the golden rule works is Assuming that you know how you want Others to treat you and That you're aware of how you affect others I am blindly thrashing around Wielding words I don't completely understand I don't think you should get too close (But I don't want you to leave...please) I do not try to harm But if I draw blood I am deeply sorry And ashamed of myself I hope that my tears Can ease your pain