I'm thinking about Mshenko again but it's just Shepard's voice. ME2 Kaidan thinking Shepard's gone and that the last conversation they ever had was hurried and rushed with their ship crumbling around them, Shepard sending him away, then going two years either not hearing Shepard's voice at all or only in recordings. Then Horizon happens, and Kaidan comes out of the Collector's paralysis and heads towards the commotion, and it's Shepard, and Shepard's voice, the one he's been playing on repeat in his mind for 2 years, and he sounds the same (or close enough, maybe a little different, reconstructing vocal cords probably isn't perfect.) But it's also Cerberus' Shepard, so Kaidan chooses integrity and what he thinks is the right thing, while Shepard does the same on the opposite side, and then Shepard's gone again, his voice still ringing in Kaidan's ears even though this time, Kaidan was the one who chose to go.
And then Vancouver, where Kaidan stands there for a second, watching Shepard before calling him, and Shepard turns around so quickly like maybe he's missed Kaidan's voice too, and they're talking, but it's strained, even though he smiles and Shepard smiles back, and Kaidan doesn't really know that man anymore, but he used to. And then it's Mars, where it's not just Shepard's voice, but the Commander's, and Kaidan feels like he's where he belongs again for the first time in years and it's confusing because he's still hurt and wary but it's Commander Shepard, so he can't help but be glad to hear him giving orders like it's 2183 again. And this time, when they find their target, he puts himself between it and Shepard and the others instead of arriving too late to help, and the last thing he hears before his head gets bashed in is Shepard shouting for him.
And then the hospital, where we don't know how much Kaidan heard subconsciously. Maybe he dreamed about Shepard, hearing his voice the first time Shepard checked on him. Maybe he didn't hear a thing and woke up to a quiet hospital room on the peaceful Citadel and had to convince himself it'd all really happened. Then he sends an email, Shepard shows up, and it's real, and they talk, and maybe it goes well or maybe it doesn't, but at least it's a conversation without them standing on opposite sides of an invisible line. Sure, Shepard leaves after, but Kaidan doesn't feel like all the air in the room went with him, so that's something. And he comes back, and they talk, and Kaidan's a Spectre, and he's being discharged, and everything's fine until it isn't, until something's wrong, the Citadel is in a panic, Cerberus is there, the Council is in danger, Kaidan has to do whatever he can, so he goes. Then, just when he thinks he's about to fight for his life and the lives of the Council with everything he has, it's Shepard again, standing between him and the elevator, but is it really?
Except it is, because that's Shepard's voice. And it's not just his voice in a way someone could replicate, like the actual sound of it, but in how it softens in a way nobody would know to mimic when he trusts Kaidan to trust him. So he turns on Udina, Udina draws a gun, someone shoots, it's over, but it's not, because Cerberus got away and the Council was nearly killed and the divide between Kaidan and Shepard is still there, a yawning chasm that makes Kaidan really, really wants to make a leap. So he does, and he goes to the Normandy, but he doesn't go aboard because it's not his ship or his home anymore, and this one technically never was anyway. Instead, he waits outside, standing there watching ships go by and bracing himself for a talk he doesn't know if he thinks he deserves to be given the chance to have.
It feels like an eternity, but then Shepard's there, telling him to let him have it, and Kaidan values honesty and communication and Shepard's orders so he does, and they talk about how it felt to point guns at each other and not know if the other was going to pull the trigger. They talk about Udina and what matters, and Kaidan thinks about how this matters too, him and Shepard, the Normandy, helping to stop the Reapers. He admits he'd come home in a second if he could, and he's not sure if there's a better thing in the galaxy than Shepard's voice saying, "welcome aboard, Major," except maybe how easily their hands fit together and the warm proof of Shepard being alive.
And suddenly, for the first time in three years, Shepard's voice is all around him again. He walks through the ship, maybe dodging some frosty looks here and there, maybe looking at everything with a bittersweet feeling in his chest because it's the same but it's so different, and he hears Shepard distantly chatting with this or that crewmate. He sits in the mess and Shepard comes out of the med-bay from meeting with Chakwas and it could be the SR-1 again with how familiar it is. They prep for a new mission and Shepard tells Kaidan to grab his gear and Kaidan grins in a way he never did when he got the same order from anyone else he worked with in the time Shepard was gone.
Not everything's perfect, though, and Kaidan can't get it all out of his mind, but this time, when he's sitting in the crew's cabin staring at the walls, Shepard shows up. He sits down and they banter like they did before the Collectors shredded their words apart, but this time the word "flirting" is said and it feels different, too, except that when Kaidan admits he's been thinking, Shepard listens, just like he always did. They talk, have a real conversation about the Illusive Man and Cerberus and everything that Kaidan hasn't been able to stop turning around and around in his head. It doesn't fix it, but it helps, and Shepard helps, and Kaidan knew he would, but knowing it hypothetically and actually feeling his chest begin to untangle as he listens to Shepard speak are two very different things.
Maybe that's what tips Kaidan over the edge to end up sitting in the Apollo cafe, jiggling his leg under the table and watching artificial clouds to distract himself from his nerves while he waits for Shepard, or maybe it isn't. Either way, he hears Shepard's footsteps and immediately knows them from anyone else's even with his back turned, and he knows Shepard's voice the second he inhales before going to speak, and it's easy to start chatting, making jokes about the menu and a sanity check. It's less easy to get himself to open up about the rest of it, about being restless or about what he really wants to talk about, but it's Shepard asking, all quiet and Shepard about it like the entire galaxy has shrunk down to just their table, so he does. Watching Shepard look away is like the moment the Mako would drive out of the ship in midair and gravity would catch her, pitching them down towards a planet, his stomach in his throat, but having Shepard smile and hearing him say the word love, it's like after a fight when the adrenaline's still pumping but all the emotions have been replaced with relief to still be alive.
And at some point throughout the next few weeks, Kaidan winds up laying in Shepard's arms, one of their heads on the other's chest, feeling Shepard's half-asleep murmurs reverberate through him, and there's a war on, people are dying, the Reapers have turned their home into hell, but for a second, tucked away from it all with Shepard right there, Kaidan can close his eyes and listen, and it feels like peace.
Thinking about the end of ME1, and how, if present for the final fight, Kaidan is sat buried under rubble for long enough, hopeless enough, that he's just certain Shepard's dead. The defeated wordless response, having to watch Anderson's face drop as the triumph of the victory comes crashing down. Was he calling out for Shepard, only for the silence to grow into something that bears only one conclusion? To lose something he only just let himself have, something that he avoided for so long. Too long.
And just as he turns his back, staggering out to leave with the burden of a new brutal grief in tow, there's footsteps and scrambling and somehow Shepard is standing there, atop the wreckage. And by some miracle, he can let the grief go almost as soon as he met it. Maybe they laugh about it afterwards, once wounds are healed, finding light in bouncing between extremes. Wouldn't it be crazy? If Shepard had died? A monumental victory stolen from Shepard's grasp, never getting to celebrate what they achieved, what they worked so hard for. Can you imagine?
And so they return to normality, cleaning up the dregs of Geth left behind, drudgery and routine that gives them time to work out what their future looks like, what their present does--what loving each other looks like now that things are marginally less desperate.
But they only get a month. And then Shepard dies, somewhere alone in the cold expanse of space. And there's no wreckage to climb out of this time, no second miracle, no laughing about it afterwards. Kaidan has to pick up the grief he only just put down, watching as the weeks and months pass by him, knowing he's spent more time with this unspeakable pain than he ever did with Shepard and now it's all he has left of them.
hey um so Kaidan asking Shepard to leave him behind on Virmire for Ashley's sake and then in ME3 he literally begs a romanced Shepard to not leave him behind in the final confrontation, well,
You know what? Forget the discourse. This is no longer my hill to die on.
You wanna ship canonically aspec characters because “aro/ace people can still date/have sex”? Okay, then. LET’S DO IT.
I wanna see an aromantic character with an alloromantic love interest. I wanna see that confession of undying love and the moment when the aro character says they will never feel the same way—not romantically.
I wanna see the asexual character with their allosexual partner. I wanna see that moment when the ace characters tries sex with their partner for the first time because they want to make them happy only to realize that they are 100% sex repulsed.
I wanna see the two demiromantics who don’t even know if what they feel is romantic attraction, but they adore each other and just want to make healthy snacks together and destroy each other at Mario Kart.
I wanna see the two aces who love sensual affection and are figuring out what they define as sexual or not.
I wanna see the romance + sex neutral aroace who happily and consensually does whatever makes their partner happy…but their partner still struggles with feeling undesired.
Oh, babe. You thought shipping an aspec character would be just like shipping an allo character?
the absolute devastating intimacy of a forehead rest. when you are both just so tired from existing in a world that demands you to be a rigid, functional individual, and you finally collapse into each other and just lean your forehead against theirs, or against their shoulder. it’s the physical equivalent of dropping your shields. it’s saying i am entirely heavy right now, and i am trusting you to bear a piece of that weight. and the most beautiful part is that the other person doesn’t even flinch. they just adjust their stance, tuck you a little closer, and absorb the impact. we were designed to divide the burden of being alive.
[WIP... Will add more as things come up. Mostly came about as an impromptu 1 am idea]
Inspired by the Anon who goes around the fandom asking questions, and the idea of giving people space and permission to yap about their Shepard's (or other Mass Effect OCs) who may have barren ask boxes.
I want to try posting (at least) weekly questions/prompts for people to reblog and info dump to. And don't keep your answers in the Tags! (You can if you want, but the idea is to allow you to put the info up front and center!)
If you have any suggestions feel free to send me an ask~ Maybe there's a headcanon you're interested in seeing others talk about? Maybe there's a question you've always wanted someone to ask you? This is a self indulgent blog FOR YOU! Because I know it can be hard to give yourself the permission to talk about what you want to on the internet, and it can feel like no one cares. But this blog cares!!
I also apologize if there's another blog out there like this. I honestly didn't look and most of the things I see people use as a spring board are from generic writing prompts.
There will never be another game like Final Fantasy XV because it's a whole ass triple A title that stumbled backwards into accurately portraying the intense boredom and low level existential crisis of going on a roadtrip with your college friends. This was accomplished by having it stuck in development hell for ten years.
It's an open world game that actively sucks to explore. The clock on the dashboard works in game even though you literally cannot see it without mods. There's whole swathes of interesting locations that are alluded to but the primary setting is the empty plains of midwest america. There's bespoke animations for your party members complaining about a rock in their shoe. The entire magic system is completely inscrutable. It has maybe the most masterful emotional storytelling through sheer UI choices that I have ever seen in a video game. We had to ask one of the creative heads of the project to leave seven years into development because he got really invested in making the game a musical.
It's like lightning in a bottle, but way less awe-inspiring. Tempest in an empty mayo jar.
Something so funny about rereading one's own unfinished fics. Like wow this is pretty good! Almost as if it was written exactly according to what I personally like in fact! Someone should finish it!
I was looking through my Mass Effect screenshots and found this one from the Citadel DLC casino party, and now I'm thinking about Mshenko going undercover with Kaidan disguised as Shepard's bodyguard. Or, alternatively, a proper Mshenko bodyguard AU.
Spectre Kaidan Alenko guarding former Alliance bigshot Commander Shepard. Maybe Shepard retired early? Maybe he got injured? Maybe he's still active but the Council gets word of a threat on his life so they assign Kaidan to look after him anyway? I have too many wips about these idiots already but the idea of Kaidan getting to be the badass biotic bodyguard watching out for Shepard is very compelling to me. The way he's standing so he's got Shepard in the corner of his eye, watching the rest of the room for anything dangerous, back to the wall so he can't be snuck up on? Like, it's writing itself.
