Just a Place of Observation

[anxietyproblem]

[amareiboosh]

I haven't been happy yet, really. And I believe that's my doing.

I look at this argument today. I'm right that I deserve to express my joy and have it shared, not minimised. I'm right that I should be allowed to do things my way and have them work or go wrong and deal with that either way. I'm right that I should be in a home that it's okay to share my ideas and to be encouraged not crushed.

But am I right that he crushed my idea? Am I right that he minimised me? Am I right that his response should've made me feel small?

Or actually, is my brain broken? Am I misfiring, miswired, misreading. Am I making an error in how I've read it, am I experiencing attack when the intention was curiosity?

I don't know. I need therapy, I need help finding my way. I really don't know if it's me or the world. But I believe that it's me. I believe that how I experience the world is why I'm unhappy. I'm so desperate to be understood but my processing is so wrong that I really can't be.

I was so much happier when I was controlled and contained. I knew my role and the expectations. And I could've probably done the work there to resolve the incompatibilities but I didn't. I moved on. I moved into deeper unhappiness. I thought I was moving into hope and joy and future but there's nothing hopeful, joyful or future focused about this relationship or this life. It's been 3, mostly painful years. We've stayed because we needed to and we don't need to anymore.

I'll be alone soon, get my birthday out of the way and we will split up because I am not enough to make him happy and I am not happy. And I'm so tired of being unhappy. But maybe I always will be because I'm the common denominator here.

[stricatul]

no one talks about how draining it is when your mood is constantly switching between "its okay, i don't care. l'll be okay" and "I don't know how much more I can take"

[cursesandcrows]

Me for the last 15 years: im a bit burnt out rn but im sure next week will be different

[smoqueen-deactivated20251108]

sorry for the nervous breakdown everyone im actuallt fine because i have to be

[amareiboosh]

I feel so sad and hopeless. It feels like I can be okay in myself and I can be stable independently but I'll never be okay relationally. I can't imagine a partner who would be able to tolerate me as I am and I don't see a world in which I make enough progress to be tolerable. I just want to be happy and safe but I seem too complicated to be either when another human being is added into the mix. I'm not sure if I ask too much or if I've not been with the right person but.. it seems impossible for anyone to empathise with me as I am.. I've never felt understood.

And right now my trust just remains so damaged, I feel unloved and unwanted every day. I don't see a way forward.

[recoverr-a-deactivated20210530]

here is a compilation of some of my favorite resources, workbooks & apps for people who cannot afford going to therapy, but would like to improve themselves in any way:

therapistaid has many, many worksheets for skills from dbt and even a self care assesment!

cbt worksheets from psychologytools.

coping skills for anger, managing difficult thoughts, getting better sleeping habits, etc.

mental health resources for kids & teens.

DBT skills training (pdf)

DBT skills workbook (pdf)

wysa app offers a wide range of skills, from a personalized AI chat where you can vent to a compilation of your emergency contacts. (only available on google play as of feb 2021)

sanvello app (google play + app store) allows you to track your progress, identify which self care habits you need to improve and guives you monthly reports of your overall state.

feel free to add more!

[brytning]

Cognitive defusion is one aspect of acceptance commitment therapy (ACT). The idea is to reduce the power your thoughts have over you by noticing that you're thinking them. There are plenty more strategies than these five! These are just some I was reading about lately in the book "Get Out of Your Mind and into Your Life" by Steven C. Hayes and Spencer Smith. While reading, I thought to myself, "I've definitely heard all this advice before in other books. Why didn't I remember it when I was stuck in an anxiety spiral earlier this week??" I realized having a go-to list on my phone or a printed list on my desk would be so helpful! (I may just print this comic for an easy reminder!)

[brytning]

I learned this from Rebekah Ballagh (journey_to_wellness_ on Instagram) and rely on it regularly, especially when I travel. It's a relaxing bit of self-care I can do anywhere, like waiting in line or at a red light. Let me know if you've tried this or something similar.

[amareiboosh]

I know that lying here hating myself isn't helpful. I know this isn't helping me survive right now.

But I'm so tired of being upright, I'm so tired of using coping skills, I'm tired of talking to people, I'm tired of distracting.

It's so hard to maintain that I am okay as a person, that I can be loveable and wanted. When I'm being left and I'm not loved and I'm not wanted. I'm so tired.

[remanence-of-love]

[amareiboosh]

The crossing realisation that I no longer have anyone in my life I can be totally honest with and maybe never did except for my partner but a lot of the time the relationship is the trigger for distress and who else is there to go to?

[talking-to-the-sun]

i just want to be heard without having to scream.

[snorlax-and-co]

[amareiboosh]

I'll never be good enough

[amareiboosh]

He makes me feel so broken, this house reinforces the core beliefs I have about myself so deeply that I can't help but see it all as truth.

But honestly what alternative do I have, if I lose my job I lose this house if I'm alone. I need to be with him or I can't stay in my home.

This has to keep going or I really don't see how I keep surviving.

I wish I didn't have to anymore.

[quimerical]

first 7 faceless emojis as a portent for the new year babes let’s go