Amazing Grace

A journey of brokeness and strength

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First NYC blog!!! #nyc#centralpark#trueloveskiss#amazinggrace86 (at Central Park)

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Take chances. Don't be afraid of the unknown. For who knows when these opportunities will be available again.

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Dear Jon Doe, thank you for the heartbreak...

Love is a tricky little thing. It involves one to trust in the unknown, to bare the soul, and to love unconditionally even if it isn't returned. I haven't felt this kind of love since my divorce three years ago, and honestly I didn’t know if I ever would again. To find someone who you truly connect with on all levels not just physically, but more importantly heart and soul can be such an obstacle course of trial and error. Three months ago I found that someone who connected with me on levels up the wazoo, and it felt perfect. I was in love again, and though we had many skeletons to unbury, I was pretty certain he was my forever.

 As time loves to tell, things obviously didn’t work out and I was left with many unanswered questions. The biggest one was why? Why did he have to come into my life with such power and force, and then leave with all the indifference in the world? Was it real? Am I enough? Am I loved? What the hell is wrong with me and men? Self doubt sank in, and the inevitable fear of rejection and loneliness was all consuming. As I spiraled into despair, the God of second chance reminded me of how worthy I am in a subtle whisper. Romans 8:38-39...”Nothing can separate you from God’s love. For I am certain that nothing can separate us from God’s love:neither death nor life, neither angels nor other heavenly rulers or powers, neither the present nor the future, neither the world above nor the world bellow-there is nothing in all creation that will ever be able to separate us from the love of God which is ours through Christ Jesus our Lord.”

What does this mean to me in such a broken time and place? It’s simple...I am not alone. Does it instantly take away the hurt and pain I wake up with every morning? No. It does however give me hope that I am and will always be enough. I am loved by something bigger than the pains of yesterday, and the unknown tomorrow. It’s ok to hurt and grieve for a loved lost. I may not ever have the answers I deserve in this life, but one thing remains...I am enough. 

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Don’t let what you do define who you are...

For many years I’ve let what I do define who I am. My success in life for the most part is something I can control, therefor it defines me, my worth, my character, and who I am in this great big world. At age 29 I have accomplished many things I said I would become. An actress, a singer, dancer, dolphin trainer, Disney entertainer, and a leader/teacher. If you were to take away everything I have accomplished who would I be? A friend, a daughter, grand daughter, cousin, sister, niece, and a daughter of a king. I have spent too many years letting my successes define my worth as an individual. A job can instantly come and go, I could break a leg and never dance again, or better yet I could damage my vocal chords and possibly sing with a different tune. I easily forget I am loved for so much more than the fleeting opportunities I’ve been given. My character has been shaped by my experiences, love, loss, joy, sorrow, and above all my faith in Jesus Christ.  It cannot be defined by the trivial, for they come and go.I will forever be grateful for the opportunities and talents I have been given, but my character is defined by so much more. I am loved, and in return I love others. I leave you with a quote....

“Good character is...more to be praised than outstanding talent. Most talents are, to an extent, a gift. Good character, by contrast, is not given to us. We have to build it piece by piece...by thought, choice, courage and determination.” 

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What inspires you?

By definition inspire means to fill (someone) with the urge or ability to do or feel something, especially to do something creative. I have been full of inspiration lately. Not just with my creative activities, but with the way I plan to live out my life. 

Thinking back to my childhood my biggest inspiration was my mother. She loved my brother and I unconditionally, fed us, clothed us, and supported us. After my parents’ divorce she took on both parenting roles working full-time to give my brother and I a better life. She raised us with grace and patience and I have always admired this incredible woman. She has always inspired me to be my best self, and pushed me along the way to pursue what’s most important in this life. Side note until eighth grade I was a major tom boy who’d rather wear jar jar binks T-shirts and soccer shorts to school, then to be caught dead looking like a lady! Mom patiently put up with these shenanigans and discretely urged me to try out for cheerleading. Changed my life! Short skirts and makeup does wonders to the feminine mind! 

I’ve pursued many of my dreams and turned them into reality, but mom has always said I can do more and become more. My future is inspiring me to work hard and be true to who I am. Never give up, be honest, faithful, kind but wise, patient, discerning, and above all inspire. 

I leave you with a thought. What made this person or creative outlet inspire you, and how can you inspire others along the way? Don’t be afraid to take that leap of faith and pursue the things that inspire you most! 

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Dreams vs Goals...

“A dream is a wish your heart makes” I have to give it to Cindy this statement says it all. Dreams are whimsical wishes of things we hope to obtain in our lives. Goals however require blood, sweat, and tears in order to reach that end result. I may dream of fitting into those sparkly non stretch jeans I had in college, but without some serious goals set in place, that dream will always be floating in the clouds with the rest of my denims. If you want something you HAVE to set goals. In the working world I would tell someone to utilize those connections. Most positions these days are filled with who you know. When I wanted to become an animal trainer I practically harassed the supervisors every chance I received to show them I meant business.What goes around comes around. One day when you have the “dream” job someone will come to you for a favor and you can return it. 

Get an education! Although connections are going to be your biggest ally, an education shows you have dedicated time to the field you are passionate about. Having knowledge will never hinder you! Also, college is a great place to start making connections for your future. Yes it takes time and money, but for most high paid positions an education will be required. 

Do your homework! When I started applying for animal training I had a killer resume but constantly got beat out by interns. I went to management and HR to see what I was lacking.Although I had many years of animal training, I had no marine mammal experience. I researched places that had internships and volunteer programs so I could remedy this problem. Please note I was living on my own working three jobs to pay rent. I found a place two hours away that would allow me to work one day a week in their marine mammal department. I spent a year commuting to this facility, but it paid off! Yes homework takes time most coveted things do, but it’s your future we’re talking about! DO YOUR HOMEWORK! 

It’s great to have dreams, but realize most things in life take time, practice, and hard work to achieve. Start setting goals for the things you want most in life, educate yourself, and do your research! 

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“You cannot attract what you are not”

There is an old saying which states opposites attract. Looking back on my life so far the people that are closest to me are farthest from opposite, but rather like minded to some shape or form. Whether it’s religion, politics, hobbies, or passions those I choose to spend my free time with have some similarities in the mix. We may gravitate towards something different, but I find there is always a core value two kindred souls must share to attract.

Now let us speak on relationships both platonic and passionate. I would gather most of us have an idea type of the people we want to be around and socialize with. It’s easier for me to speak on women’s behalf because low and behold I am one, but I would gather men have ideas similar to ours as well. How do you view yourself? Your self worth, esteem, confidence, character, what you have to offer, all should be contemplated on when asked this question. If you have little or no value for yourself how can you expect someone else to have respect for you? Loving yourself first is not a selfish act, but rather knowing your value as an individual in this great big world! You are more than enough, and there is no one like you! A confident person attracts healthy people who treat you the way you deserve to be treated.A person with no self respect for themselves will invite unhealthy individuals who may take advantage of your weakness. Believe me I spent years with the philosophy that bad things happen to me because I deserved it. Not only did this bring more disappointment to my life,  I attracted the leeches of the world to suck my life dry until I had nothing left to give. If you want healthy long lasting friendships or relationships it has to start with YOU! You will attract individuals who to some degree think like you in some shape or form. If you don’t like what you see maybe it’s time for a change. It will amaze you how quickly people gravitate towards you the moment you know your worth. It’s an on going lesson I’m still learning but the results have been life changing. I decided not to let the world define me, but instead let my character speak for itself. Do yourself a favor and start loving who you are.

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(via https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5_joiYuw8GM)      This is in memory of William Hixon Crowe...Until we meet again

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Someone leaves who knows why and you never said goodbye...

A sudden death in the family has brought me home this weekend. As a sit alone and ponder there is nothing more important to me than my family and friends. God has blessed my life with many things, but my biggest blessing are those I hold close to my heart. Death makes one realize how fast life comes and goes, and even though we know death is inevitable, it still takes us by surprise when it happens.The fear of total loss kicks in and the feeling of helplessness is ever looming. How could yesterday be your last day, and tomorrow is no more? Was my last goodbye enough?

No matter the pain there is the gathering of family and friends to cry together, laugh together, and reminisce together. I don’t know where I would be without these incredible creatures in my life. You know exactly who you are and every one of you have stolen my heart and made me a better person. I will always love you, fight for you, and pray for you. There is no better peace in my heart knowing one day we will all be laughing together again in heaven. God gained a very special angel this week, one with a mighty personality and a precious heart. Until we meet again papa crow I love you dearly!

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Success comes in all shapes and sizes...

What first comes to your mind when you think success? Money, great career, fame, a nice car? Although all of these items are a form of success we often forget about the personal success many of us go through on a daily basis. The world likes to brush our personal issues aside as if to say “everyone goes through shit why is yours any different,” so put on a smile and move along.It may be true brokenness is no stranger to life, that doesn’t take away the internal pain we go through. I see success in a different light. The teenager breaking free from drug addiction, the widow who has lost it all and still finds a way to get out of bed. The girl who was raped at a party that still believes in true love. These are huge life successes that in many ways don’t involve anything material or fleeting, but come with life long changes.

One of my biggest successes was after my husband left me. The month before we had celebrated our third year anniversary with a cruise. All was well and he was my everything. He knew my greatest joys, and he knew my deepest fears. My most haunting memory was the day he looked me strait in the eye and told me he didn’t love me anymore. There was no love left in his eyes, and he looked at me like I was a stranger. Even writing this now I have tears in my eyes, not because I miss him, but that moment will forever have the same feeling in my heart. The next day at work he ignored me as if he never knew my name, when we had shared four years of our lives together. As I walked around the corner he was there laughing, with the girl he had been cheating on me with.

To this day we still work in the same company and run into each other often.I lived for about a good two years with my stomach in knots when I walked into work. I lost sight of my goals and dreams, I simply focused on staying alive one day at a time. Soon days became months, and months became years. My heart started to heal, and so did my confidence. I could simply look at my ex without hate, but with forgiveness. Although I have wounds that are still healing my success solely lies in the peace I have acquired through this process. Instead of bitterness I chose forgiveness.There are some who cannot understand this concept. My forgiveness doesn’t make me weak, hate makes you weak because it’s such a strong emotion.Forgiveness simply means I’ve “let go” of the past and decided to press forward with my life.This doesn’t mean I don’t have bad days, believe me I still do! My mom calls them the spiral of doom! I am able to see the success of my future because the past is not hindering me.

“Sometimes our greatest successes come when no one is watching.”

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Love yourself first...

"Dear you, make peace with the mirror and watch your reflection change.” Hmmm this is a constant reminder to myself almost everyday. Once in seventh grade a boy called me turkey legs, and I have never fully recovered from that statement. The older I get the more I realize having thick legs is not always a problem. ;)

In reality there are so many reasons why we forget how important and crucial this statement is to living a healthy life. We all come from different backgrounds, cultures, experiences that change and shape us as individuals. Some come from broken families, unfaithful spouses, broken promises, loss of loved ones, or even those who are supposed to love us, but instead demean your presence. In my book I will go into more detail about my past, but along the way of brokenness and lies I stopped loving myself. I have lost many important men in my life due to their poor choices, but somehow I came out feeling I did something wrong to deserve their absence. If my dad loved me he wouldn’t have left his family to start a new one, or if my husband loved me he would have stayed faithful. I started to let ALL men treat me this way! As if I were nothing more than a good time, or not worthy of something better. This attitude spilled over into my work ethic and even my acting career. I had no self worth, and I lived everyday in fear. In auditions I would ask for feedback, consistently across the board,“You got lost in the crowd” would be the reply. I let my life fall between the cracks, at times I just wanted to give up.

What changed? I realized that in order for people to treat me with respect I had to treat myself with respect first. It’s not about what others can do for you, but simply what you can do for myself. If I love myself, forgive myself, and be true to myself,this will reflect the standard of how others treat me. Although this is a learning process for me, the progress I’ve made the past year is proof enough that loving yourself is the real deal. To truly be seen we first must see the beauty within ourselves.  “Love yourself first”

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You are exactly where you are supposed to be...

I received this quote once on my dove chocolate wrapper and it kind of stuck with me. Well both the quote and the chocolate did, only one’s on my fridge door, and the other on my backside. I have always been a dreamer it’s so easy for me to see the grand finale, the end product, but I usually lose sight of the beginning and the middle. Thank goodness this world is full of practical realistic people who understand the details. I have learned so much from the foreign people who speak realism, but I have never stopped dreaming.

Ever since I was young my family instilled in me the courage to be myself and also love others. I grew up in a small town where no one was a stranger, and southern hospitality was as true in the movies as it was in person. My father was a college professor and a pastor of a church, and my mother a stay at home mom raising myself and my little brother. She had the hardest job of all! I always had big plans alright....big plans of getting into trouble! Like the time I got impatient waiting on Bubba(a six foot tall man child) to swing out of the tree house on the rope swing. I pushed him,he dropped the rope swing, and fell to his doom. Well maybe not his doom but he ran home crying, and I hid in the woods for a while. Or the time I brought a container of toads to church and “accidentally” let them loose during the prayer!

Yes, I loved adventures, surprises, and being different, but above all I always had big plans for my future. As a dreamer, it’s hard to stay content with the here and now, because all we can see is the future. Trust me I am preaching to the choir( I’m sitting here grumbling about my next years plans), but I also know I must enjoy now! Just remember the future will eventually be now, and this now will be the past. Don’t waste it! “You are exactly where you are supposed to be.”

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It’s my Birthday!

As the years have come and gone I sit and ponder what challenge I can bring upon myself in the new year. I thrive off of adventure, passion, and dare I say it change. I am faced with multiple tasks this year one being my new theatre company I’m starting, another challenge, I’ve decided to write a book. My book will cover pursuing your goals and dreams, facing rejection, working hard, loving yourself, and forgiveness. When asking those around me how to even begin this daunting task I was told to journal. I decided to give blogging a try. Please follow this journey with me ask me questions, give me advice, as I will start from the beginning of my journey to give my audience a better understanding of where I am coming from. This is a huge undertaking but my goal is to be a published author and public speaker! “Every accomplishment starts with the decision to try.”