I already don't like you.

[omghotmemes]

The VelociPastor

[ambergatorrexissauras]

My life would be so much different

If you hadn't hurt us.

If you hadn't put your hands on my only son.

If I had faith in myself to be what he deserved afterwards.

If I hadn't turned to the bottle.

If I hadn't convinced myself he was better off with someone else, anyone else, but me.

My life would be so much different.

[ambergatorrexissauras]

Polyhydramnios

So I'm 22 weeks and like 6 days pregnant as of today (1/14/20), and I had an anatomy ultrasound done this morning. The reason they even scheduled the anatomy is because I was taking depakote (mood stabilizers) for my BPD at the very beginning of my pregnancy. I was about 8 weeks along when I found out and stopped taking it, but they've had me go through several blood tests and an NIPT since the get go.

Through the blood tests, they ruled out downs, spina bifada, and a lengthy number of defects I was likely to have because of the medication.

Well, they found an excess amount of amniotic fluid. Which would explain all of my discomfort with this pregnancy. I'm significantly larger this time than I was with my first two, measuring almost a month ahead of what the baby is measuring.

They also found some fluid around the baby's heart.

Long story short, they're sending me to a maternal medicine doctor in my states capital for a level 2 ultrasound, doing more bloodwork, and scheduled my glucose test two weeks early.

Basically, I've somehow wound up with something that occurs in less than 1% of pregnancies, with little to no explanation as to the cause. Gestational diabetes could be a cause, so hopefully that's the case.

I did the typical white girl thing and researched a ton online, with problems ranging from digestive problems in the baby to death, so I'm a tad freaked.

[ambergatorrexissauras]

I'm literally losing my mind. Diagnosed with manic depressive disorder and borderline personality disorder, and a recovering alcoholic. I've been sober about 9 months now, but lost my job at the beginning of December.

To top it all off, I'm almost 6 months pregnant and being forced out of the home I spent months working for.

It was supposed to be a safe place for me and my children, while we continued to rebuild our lives.

I cant take my medication, except for a low-dose antidepressant, because of the pregnancy.

The man I was supposed to be building a life with has turned into a cruel, hateful, empty vessel of a human being.

Its next to impossible for me to find a job, again, because of the pregnancy. But not for lack of trying. I've applied for every available position in my city from housekeeping to sales, even so far as to apply for serving and bartending positions, which I am really hesitant to take because of my battle with sobriety but hey; money is money.

I've resorted to having my children stay with my mom and me sleeping in the basement, living on crackers and scared to go upstairs to use the bathroom.

I'm not a crier, but I cant stop these days. By this time next week, I'll be living in my car with little to no hope for improvement.

I've been reaching out to a few ChemFree houses (sober living) but no luck.

I guess just... positive vibes? Good thoughts? Encouragement? I'm fucking drowning here and I am struggling to find reasons to hold on. Of course my children are what pulls me to the surface for a moment, but I just honestly know they'd be so much better off without me.

[twitblr]

In 2020 we dont force relationships where we are not valued.

[toastbutteregg]

[thiscantbecured]

do you ever just remember that you’re gonna be you for the rest of your life and think “ah shit”

[bohrderline]

Therapist: people with BPD will center their entire life around one person and losing that person destroys them and leaves them floundering with no sense of identity

Me:

[bpdmoth]

Intrusive thoughts, slowly creeping towards me: Hey-

Me:

[pariaaaaah]

[pariaaaaah]

[poisonedbaby]

beep I don’t know which of my memories are real and which are daydreams or nightmares boop ☆ﾟ. * ･ ｡ﾟ

[aylaofthenhk]

[thereplacementnotebook]

“The strongest I have ever felt was the first time I said ‘no’ to a drink. I’ve said 'no’ every morning since September 29, 2008. I say 'no’ 18 times before breakfast – one for every step it takes to get from my bedroom to the fridge. I say 'no’ 10 times before work – one for every billboard that tells me I was stronger when I was drinking. I’ve said 'no’ more times than I can count – one for every night my family lay awake trying not to imagine my headstone. When you ask me the question, I do not hear the words you are saying. I hear you ask me “Do you want to die?” No. I don’t want to die anymore.”

— Michael Lee 

[robbsource]

Robb has had it with our thirst, people. (x)

[markantonys]

a banker who wants to be an artist

[loveofromance]

I hope to see you again, miss.