Ambrosiac

[the-restless-brook]

my year in writing

In 2020, I wrote 99,094 words of fic. Which is actually kind of a low word count for me. In 2019, it was over 200k. But writing this year was wayyyy more of a struggle and I’m proud I managed what I did. So a look back… I’m not going to list everything I wrote because that sounds like work and I’m lazy. We have established that. 

Keep reading

[fortysevenswrites]

kastle secret santa 2020

Happy holidays Kastle fam, and specifically to @ninzied, I’m your Kastle Secret Santa! 

Nina requested developing relationship with angst with a happy ending, which, yeah, that’s what you’ve got! Also featuring Karen and Frank in a small, isolated cabin in the woods, dealing with all that 2x11 nonsense while the vigilantes of Lower Manhattan deal with a little issue (read: Karen’s life is in danger, you know, again).

Hope you enjoy! Second (and hopefully final) chapter coming soon!

(my pain fits in the palm of your freezing hand) read on AO3

Chapter 1 (of 2?)

Karen hates everything about this.

It’s bad enough that she almost died, because some idiot military doctors decided to play god and use Benjamin Poindexter as their damn guinea pig for whatever medical marvel they’re apparently on the verge of discovering.

Of course, because her life treats her like the protagonist of a goddamn horror movie, Poindexter escaped, revenge the only thing on his twisted mind.

She doesn’t even remember how it all happened.

Everything between leaving the office after a hard-won victory on one of Matt and Foggy’s cases and waking up in a quiet room at Metro General is just one big blank.

Not remembering, waking up to the just-barely-beginning-to-heal stab wounds on her side, bruises on her ribs, the sprained ankle, the knife wounds on her arms that are probably going to scar, and the long scrape on her cheek, pain radiating through her entire body—it makes it worse.

[charliebg00d]

An Archive of Our Own, a project of the Organization for Transformative Works

Chapters: 4/4 Fandom: The Punisher (TV 2017), Daredevil (TV) Rating: Mature Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings Relationships: Frank Castle/Karen Page, kastle Characters: Frank Castle, Karen Page, Curtis Hoyle, Billy Russo, Dinah Madani Additional Tags: Alternate Universe, Franks is a Male Escort, Romance, Some sexy times, Fluff and Angst, But mostly fluff, Frank Is a smitten idiot, some FRANK/OFCs (mentioned), POV Frank Castle, Kastlechristmas, kastlechristmas2k20 Summary:

After five surprisingly successful years as a male escort, Frank Castle falls in love with one of his clients.

Happy Holidays Lotte @ambrosiac-x

I’m your Secret Santa, and I hope this fic lives up to your wishes!

All the best,

Charlie

[heartonfirewrites]

An Archive of Our Own, a project of the Organization for Transformative Works

Chapters: 2/2 Fandom: The Punisher (TV 2017), Daredevil (TV) Rating: Explicit Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Relationships: Frank Castle/Karen Page Characters: Frank Castle, Karen Page, Sarah Lieberman, David “Micro” Lieberman Additional Tags: Holidays, Christmas, Hanukkah, Fluff, Light Angst, Mistletoe, First Kiss, Kastle Christmas Secret Santa Gift Exchange, Smut, Porn with Feelings, First Time, First Chapter is Rated T, second chapter is rated E Summary:

An unexpected holiday invitation brings Karen face-to-face with Frank for the first time since the hospital. Is a little mistletoe enough to finally bring them together for good?

My hand slipped and I wrote a second (smutty) chapter for my Kastle Christmas fic for @kastlenetwork (thanks to @carry-the-sky for nudging me with her lovely comments to actually write this part). Merry Kastle Christmas everyone!

[ambrosiac-x]

An Archive of Our Own, a project of the Organization for Transformative Works

This is my first ever Kastle Christmas. Watching The Punisher and falling in love with the character has really helped brighten some dark days this year.

The fics I've read so far have been absolutely amazing so I'm feeling the pressure not to let the side down!

My Secret Santa was @fortysevenswrites - the word count got a bit out of control, but I hope you like it <3

Thank you to @kastlenetwork for organising this, it’s been amazing!

[ambrosiac-x]

An Archive of Our Own, a project of the Organization for Transformative Works

A handsome and charming stranger at the bar catches Karen's eye. She didn't expect to see him again after the ensuing night of passion.

Kastle AU one-shot with a twist. Inspired by themes from two other Bernthal classics - Sicario and Day Zero.

[ambrosiac-x]

Happy New Year

Renee hadn’t thought twice about inviting him back to her hotel room.

They’d been talking for weeks and weeks and conversation flowed so easily. They had loads in common and she laughed until tears rolled down her face - he made her laugh like no one she’d ever met.

But it was starting to feel weird. Sure, she had tonnes of male friends, but this felt different. He was gorgeous of course, she had no issues admitting that. But so far, everything had been very chaste. To think of it, they hadn’t even hugged.

She was getting tired of people asking. All her friends were absolutely convinced they were having a steamy secret love affair. She knew his friends were too - she’d seen the way Joe nudged him in the ribs when she came over to say hi backstage.

In reality, nothing at all had happened. It was unfair to say she was frustrated by it. Things had been totally natural. They talked for hours about music, movies and shows they’d loved as kids. He told her all his crazy stories from the road and she told him all the stupid things she’d done to make it here. She couldn’t say she’d been hoping for something more this whole time because really, she just enjoyed his company. She got the impression he felt the same.

He never made things uncomfortable, never tried to sit too close or make some sleazy comment about her dress. In fact, the only time he really flirted with her was during his promos.

As she sat curled up on the couch in her room, watching him rearrange the toppings on his pizza, she realised they were at a crossroads.

She was attracted to him for sure, but they were sitting in a comfortable space that was blossoming into a close friendship. She knew if they let it continue, making something else of this would be hard. But was he even into her? She didn’t know - he was hard to read.

“...what?” he asked, licking sauce off his thumb.

She shook her head with a laugh. “Nothing”

“I’m not the most graceful eater...but I’m a freakin’ gazelle in the ring”

She laughed louder at that. “I don’t know about a gazelle but you’re not bad”

“Not bad?!” he balked. “I’m an athlete”

“But can you do a backflip?” she teased.

“Probably” he shrugged. “What? You’re gonna tell me you can wrestle now?” he challenged.

She smirked. “I know some moves”

She didn’t expect him to dust off his hands and stand up.

“Come on then”

He wasn’t joking.

She pushed her pizza box aside, wiping her hands on her skirt.

They locked up and she laughed when he let her put him in a headlock.

“Tap!” she yelled, squealing when he reversed it and picked her up. He tossed her over his shoulder, throwing her onto the bed with ease.

He went for the cover, counting a quick three and claiming victory.

She was panting now, pushing his chest in protest. “That was not a pin, my shoulders were up!”

The penny seemed to drop and everything slowed down as she realised he was hovering over her, so close she could smell him. He smelled good, like body wash. His breath ticked her skin as he stared down at her.

She was suddenly hyper aware, the blue of his eyes, the muscles bulging in his arms and the way his hair was falling into his eyes.

She closed her eyes as he lowered his head, brushing his lips against hers softly. She reciprocated, relaxing into it as he deepened the kiss and ran a hand up her side. She gripped his strong shoulders, feeling his tongue caress the seam of her lips.

He pulled back and she lay, breathless and flushed. When he flashed her a dimpled smile, she couldn’t help but return it.

Running a hand over the back of his head, she welcomed another kiss, feeling his stubble scratching at her jaw. Her stomach flipped in excitement, heart racing.

They made out for a little longer, enjoying the feel of one another before he pulled back, running a hand through his hair.

“I’ve wanted to do that for a while”

She smiled. “I’m glad you did”

He tried to be inconspicuous but she saw him adjust himself in his jeans as he stood.

“You should come to Vegas sometime...”

“I’d like that” she followed him to the door. “New York is pretty nice this time of year too”

He laughed when she brought him his half-eaten pizza.

“Goodnight Jon”

“Night Renee” he took the pizza, leaning in for a goodnight kiss.

She let her hand rest against his chest, chasing the contact when he pulled away.

As she closed the door behind him, she let her back rest against it and caught her breath.

Her heart was still beating hard and she ran a hand over her face. Her whole body was thrumming with excitement. She felt like a fourteen year old girl. She fell into bed, the memory of his lips lulling her into a beautiful sleep.

[ambrosiac-x]

When will you post another fic?

I'm working crazy hours at the moment so I don't know ☹️️

[ambrosiac-x]

Deanee mini-fic: We Don’t Talk Anymore

I start way too many fics and then never finish them, so here’s one I’ve been sitting on for a while. 

A little Deanee one-shot with oodles of angst. Inspired by the song by Charlie Puth and Selena Gomez.

Dean glanced in the mirror, fussing with his hair. It was a mess. It was always a mess. He never used to have to worry about that, but things were different now.

 With a sigh, he checked his phone.

 Hope your date goes well

Joe

 Dean smiled at his friend’s supportive message.

 A quick check of the time told him he needed to set off now. Grabbing his keys and his wallet, he climbed into his truck. He took a moment to rest his forehead on the wheel – why was he nervous? He knew it was probably down to the fact that he hadn't been on a first date in over 4 years. How hard could it be though?

 It only took him fifteen minutes to get to her place and he pulled up under a streetlamp, checking the address against the one she gave him. He'd met her in a bar on the strip last week and they'd hit it off. Anyone would call him crazy for being so pessimistic – she was a beautiful girl with big green eyes and long red hair.

 Working up the nerve to get out of the car, he approached her front door, ringing the door bell.

 He heard a crash before the door opened and she appeared, looking dishevelled.

 “Everything okay?” he asked with a chuckle.

 “Fine” she laughed, hopping on one foot as she tried to get her foot in her shoe.

 “Here” he held out a hand, letting her use him for balance as she finally managed to get both of her heels on.

 “Thank you” she smiled, closing the door behind her.

 "I thought you'd fallen down the stairs at all that noise…”

 She laughed loudly. “I didn't, but I did knock everything off the bookshelf in my frantic race to get ready”

 “Well you look beautiful” he told her, ignoring the twisting in his gut.

 It was ridiculous. This felt like cheating. But he was single…had been for weeks now…

 “You look pretty nice yourself” she replied, taking his hand as he helped her up into the passenger seat.

 “I hope you appreciate that I wore a shirt for you, I never wear shirts”

 There it was again, that pang of a memory. The playful fights over his terrible dress sense.

 He’d zoned out for a moment and caught her looking over at him curiously.

 “I figured we could grab something to eat and play it by ear from there” he suggested, breaking the silence.

 “Sounds good to me, I'm starving” she smiled.

 He drove them to a pizza place, taking a good look at her outfit as he held the door for her. It was just a plain black dress, but it hugged every curve of her body. He wasn't blind, she looked stunning. She was as tall as he was in her heels too, legs looking endless.

 Conversation flowed easily as they perused the menu. It was a pretty little restaurant with candles on each table and low lighting. The soft music went almost unheard as they laughed. They had a lot in common. She too travelled a lot for work. She was an executive for a big firm, the only woman in a male-dominated environment. She was strong, funny and witty. Plus she had fantastic tits. She was his type multiplied by 100.

 But despite all that, he couldn't shake the uncomfortable feeling in his gut. Every time she mentioned her dog, or when she said she made great cinnamon rolls, his heart clenched in his chest…

 --xx

 “Happy Birthday!”

 Renee smiled widely as all of her friends shouted when she entered the bar.

 She'd done nothing but dread this birthday and she really hadn't wanted anyone to make a fuss, but she appreciated all the effort her friends had gone to for her.

 As the night went on, she tried her best to get into the spirit, accepting numerous free drinks. She thought getting drunk would help lift her mood, but all it did was make her think about last year. Last year, she'd had the most amazing birthday. He'd woken her with loving kisses and a bunch of flowers. They'd made love all morning before he made her his signature ‘happy bowl sandwich’. She still had the stunning diamond bracelet he’d given her that night over dinner. She tried to give it back to him, it must have been expensive, but he wouldn't take it back. She couldn't bear to wear it anymore, but she still fell asleep with the card he wrote under her pillow every night.

 Her cousin came over, pulling her onto the dance floor. Everyone knew why she was so quiet, so…not herself. Their sympathetic looks just made her more upset.

 --xx

 When Dean dropped her off, he mentally berated himself for going for a hug instead of kissing her like she was waiting for.

 But when she wrapped her arms around his neck and whispered her thanks for a lovely evening, he felt her pull him into a slow, tentative kiss.

 He kissed her back, his body reacting to the intimate contact it had missed so badly. But his heart hammered in his chest, emotions swirling in his stomach.

 He left with a quick goodbye and she stood in the doorway, looking every bit the stunning woman she was, but all he felt was emptiness because she wasn't Renee.

 --xx

 I miss you

 Renee stared at the message she’d just typed out, his number bringing up all the previous text conversations with him. She read over them again, debating on whether to send the new one.

 Are you sure you don't need me to come back and help with the heavy stuff?

J x

 Its okay, I'll be fine. I'll leave the keys on the counter

R x

 Okay. Have a safe journey

J x

 And that was it. She'd moved her things out of their house and they hadn't spoken since. The screen dimmed and she tapped it, erasing the message she’d typed.

 Blue whimpered in the corner and she welled up.

 “You miss your daddy?” she asked, patting the couch until he jumped up beside her. “I miss him too” she whispered.

 --xx

 With the taste of another woman on his lips, he lay on his bed with a heavy feeling in his heart. His phone chimed with a message and he saw Joe’s name on the screen.

 How'd it go? If you don't answer, I'll assume you got lucky

Joe

 He chuckled at that.

 It was okay

Jon

 Just okay?

Joe

 Jon stared at his phone a few moments. He knew he had no response. The date had gone well, but that almost didn't matter.

 Keep your chin up, I'm only a phone call away if you need me babe

Joe

 Jon laughed again, trying to ignore the feeling in his gut. Would he ever get over her? It didn't feel like it. Over 3 years of being joined at the hip made being alone so alien. He missed sleeping beside her, he missed travelling with her, he missed Blue but most of all, he missed her.

 He pulled up their last text conversation. He knew she would have to move her things out of their house, but it still broke his heart when he came home to find it all gone. The house was so bare now. He wasn't the kind of guy to cry, but he had that night. The house looked so cold without her quirky little touches. That's why he’d kept the chalkboard with her last work of art on it. He couldn't bear to throw it out.

 His laptop was full of property searches. This house was theirs. Sure, he had paid for it – that in itself had been emotional considering how much his life had changed – but it was as much hers as it was his. She made it a home. And now she was gone, and it was just a house. He didn't think he could bear to live there without her, to try to move on in a place so full of memories of her.

 His phone chimed again and brought him out of his daydream. He felt stupid for hoping it was Renee. Of course, it wasn't.

 Hey, thanks for tonight, I had a great time. I'm away on business this week but let me know when you're back next, I'd love to see you again.

Erin

 He read the message, flattered and impressed by her confidence in texting him first and putting herself out there. She was beautiful, intelligent and interesting – everything he was attracted to – yet it still felt like a lie when he replied.

 I had a great time too. I'll be back on the 17th so if you're free, you can come to my place and I'll cook for you

Jon

 She replied quickly.

 Wow, you cook? That sounds perfect

Erin

 Guilt and an overwhelming sadness eating away at him, he closed the message. Against his best judgement, he opened up a text to Renee and started typing.

 Happy Birthday beautiful…I miss you

J x

 He pressed send and turned off his phone.

 --xx

 Renee sat in the make-up chair backstage while they applied a layer of glitter to her eyelids. Brie sat opposite her, her hair being teased into big curls.

 “Did you have a good birthday?”

 Renee nodded, forcing a smile. Obviously Brie saw straight through it.

 “Have you heard from him?”

 Renee shook her head, trying not to show any disappointment.

 "He didn't say happy birthday?”

 “He probably doesn't have my number any more” Renee brushed it off.

 Brie reached across and linked her hand with her friend’s. Renee took it, making every effort to ignore the emotions swirling in her stomach.

 It hit her like a train when she saw him. He was walking towards her with Joe, talking animatedly.

 Their eyes met as he passed, unreadable emotions in the gaze they shared. And just like that, he was gone.

 Brie, clearly shocked at how their relationship had disintegrated, stood and ushered Renee into the bathroom. As if on cue, she burst into tears.

 Brie was ready with the tissues, surprised that their relationship had changed so drastically that they didn't even say hi anymore.

 “Have you tried texting him?” Brie asked.

 Renee shook her head. “He was always so romantic. If there was any hope, he'd have texted me to say Happy Birthday. I know he would have”

 Brie held her hand as she pulled herself together, but the aching in her chest remained.

 --xx

 Jon checked his phone for the fifth time in an hour.

 No reply.

 With a heavy heart, he held his thumb over her name. He hesitated when the ‘delete contact’ icon appeared.

 She was clearly trying to move on, and he was only hurting them both clinging on to what they had.

 He deleted her from his phone, all their messages disappearing with it. He blinked back a tear at the thought, everything from the first time they'd swapped numbers to the little loving texts they'd send when they were apart, gone just like that.

 What he didn't see was the little red mark beside his last text to her – message not delivered.

[ambrosiac-x]

Final Instalment: Angsty Deanee Short-Fic

Here it is, the final part! 

Warning: Smut

The first night, he'd bought tickets to see a movie. He knew she loved movies, and she hadn't been to the cinema in years. The film was good, and they managed to make light conversation on the way home.

 They went to bed that night feeling less like strangers.

 Two nights later, he drove them to a pizza place they used to love when they first moved in together. They had a lot more opportunity to talk, and at first it felt forced.

 “She really loves the staff there so that's good” Renee told him after they defaulted to their usual topic of Ella.

 “We always talk about El…” he pointed out. “Why don't we talk about you instead” he suggested.

 “Me?” she seemed surprised.

 “Yeah”

 “What about me?” she asked.

 “How are you? Are you okay? We never talk to each other anymore to find out…”

 “I'm…fine” she answered, still caught off-guard by the question.

 "No really...I want to know”

 She shrugged. “It's nice to do this” she gestured to the restaurant. “It's nice to get out of the house and talk to someone who isn't a child” she laughed. “So I’m good”

 He smiled.

 “Are you okay?” she asked.

 “I am now” he sipped his wine with a knowing little smile and she blushed. Were they flirting? She hadn't done it in so long she couldn't remember what it felt like.

 “You need a haircut” she told him, tendrils of hair in his eyes.

 “You don't think I look handsome?” he asked, a glint in his eye.

 She surveyed him for a moment. He’d put on a tight black t-shirt and though it was plain, it hugged his muscles perfectly. He did look good. She felt her heart rate increase.

 “You look pretty good I guess” she smiled.

 “Just pretty good? I’m offended. You look gorgeous as ever” he told her.

 She blushed. “Not with all my stretch marks” she joked. He knew she wasn't joking though.

 “You’re beautiful” he told her firmly.

 “How would you know?” she challenged playfully. “You haven't seen me naked in a long time”

 “Well I can take a look now to confirm if you'd like?” he winked.

 That night, they kissed properly for the first time in months. Renee was getting ready for bed when he’d tapped her on the shoulder and pulled her into a soft kiss. It had only lasted a few seconds, but the love in it made her stomach flip. She fell asleep thinking about the feel of his lips against hers.

 That Friday, Ella went off to a sleepover at a little friend from nursery’s house. That gave them their first chance to get drunk in a very long time.

 Jon and Renee had always bonded over alcohol. They both loved to have a good time.

 Heading to a bar, they spent the night enjoying a range of drinks and some terrible karaoke.

 Jon was very aware of the fact that he hadn't told Renee how he’d felt so pushed out when Ella was born, but there was no rush, he'd talk to her about it eventually…

 They were having a great night. The alcohol really loosened them up, any remaining tension was gone. He found himself staring at her whenever she wasn't looking, admiring how stunning she was.

 When they climbed into a taxi at the end of the night, he put an arm around her and she leaned into him. Her hand on his thigh reawakened urges he’d had to ignore for far too long and he had an almost instant erection.

 She laughed when she saw him adjust himself, uncomfortable in his jeans.

 She kissed him deeply, letting him slip his tongue into her mouth and blushing when she caught the driver watching in the rear view mirror.

 They stumbled up the drive like a pair of giggling teenagers, fumbling with the keys and eventually getting the door open.

 Renee went for the kill first, fingers making light work of his belt before popping the button on his jeans and dragging the zip down. He watched her through heavily lidded eyes as she pulled his underwear out of the way and wrapped her hand around him.

 The feel of a hand other than his own had him moaning already and she only gave him a few strokes before starting to undress herself.

 There was no way they'd make it upstairs so, settling for the couch, he picked her up and laid her down on it, tugging her skirt off with her panties too.

 When he pushed into her for the first time in so long, they both gasped, stilling for a moment.

 She stroked his face as he started to thrust, revelling in the amazing connection she felt to him in the moment.

 Neither of them could hold back. It had been too long and they were both so tightly wound.

 “Are you close?” he asked, gritting his teeth against his impending climax.

 “Yeah” she sucked in a breath as he brushed her spot.

 As she fell over the edge, he kissed her. She felt the vibrations as he moaned into her mouth, spilling his own orgasm into her.

 He collapsed, exhausted and she stroked his hair.

 “I love you” he mumbled.

 “I love you too” she whispered, unable to keep the smile off her face.

 --xx

 Everything was good. They weren't the same couple that they'd been before they became parents, but things had been much better. Jon had gone back to work but had called every night he was away. They'd even had phone sex a few times which was new but very enjoyable.

 No matter how good things had been, nothing could have prepared her for it.

 She'd been searching for Ella’s rash cream when the tampons spilled out onto the counter. Shit. Had she had a period this month?

 She debated calling Jon as she drove home with a pregnancy test in her bag. She eventually decided against it. There was no use worrying him when it was probably no big deal…

 Deep down, she knew. The test confirmed it.

 Pregnant

 She burst into tears. She'd cried when they found out she was pregnant with Ella too, but this was different. She was scared.

 She put on a brave face as she picked up Ella from nursery, keeping up the illusion that nothing was wrong as she cooked her dinner and put her to bed, but when Jon called she was crying again before she even answered.

 “Hey…” he started before hearing her sniffling. “What's wrong?” he asked, alarmed.

 She opened her mouth to speak but she couldn't, just more heaving sobs.

 “Renee what's wrong?!”

 “Are you alone?” she managed to get out, knowing all kinds of things would be running through his mind.

 "No...I'm in the car with the guys…give me a sec”

 She heard him speaking, The Uso’s faint in the background.

 “We’re pulling into a service station now” he told her.

 She took a moment to compose herself as she heard them climbing out of the car and slamming the doors.

 “Okay…” he told her.

 The line was silent for a moment.

 “I'm pregnant Jon…” she said, her eyes welling up all over again. “I took a test this morning because I realised I haven't had a period and it came back positive”

 “You're…what?”

 His disbelief didn't surprise her. She felt the same.

 “How?” was his next question. She cringed at that.

 “I’m sorry…”

 She was crying too hard to speak again.

 She heard him swallow hard. “It’s okay” he told her.

 “It’s my fault” she whispered, hiccupping. “We hadn’t had sex in so long that I just stopped my birth control…”

 “Don’t cry” he told her when he heard her sob again. “It’s okay”

 “It’s not okay Jon…how can we have a baby right now? We’re just starting to make this work again…”

 “I don’t know but we’re going to have to figure it out aren’t we?”

 --xx

 He was up all night after that, sleep absolutely impossible.

 The guys knew something was up with him since he hung up with Renee but he didn’t tell them anything. It wasn’t something he felt he could share.

 As he turned over in bed for what felt like the hundredth time, he imagined being a dad again. Ella was his little princess, so the idea of having another little son or daughter filled him with excitement.

 He knew having a baby was only going to put more strain on he and Renee’s relationship which, up to this point, had been going from strength to strength.

 He also knew he needed to talk to her about how he’d felt when Ella was born. He just hoped they could figure this whole thing out together.

 Two days later, he flew home. When he opened the door, he found the house quiet. Wondering around, he eventually found Renee fast asleep on the couch, Ella sleeping on her shoulder. He felt bad. She was exhausted, taking care of such an energetic child, and now she was pregnant too.

 Lifting his sleeping daughter into his arms, he carried her into her room and put her in her crib. Next, he lifted Renee into his arms and carried her up to their room. She stirred as he nudged the door open with his foot, pressing her face into his neck.

 “Jon…” she murmured.

 “It’s okay, go back to sleep” he whispered, laying her down on the bed.

 Helping her out of her jeans and trying not to wake her, he couldn’t help but ghost a hand over her tummy. Knowing she was pregnant was terrifying but exciting at the same time. The thought that there was a tiny life growing inside her made his head spin. He lay down beside her, stomach grumbling but unable to find the will to leave her side.

 --xx

 Renee heard Jon wake and sure enough, the door creaked behind her as he came into the bathroom to check on her. She was hunched over the toilet, a short bout of morning sickness catching her by surprise.

 It felt strange, his hand on her back rubbing slow circles. Intimate touches were still unusual for them even after all the progress they’d made.

 “How long have you been getting morning sickness?” he asked, handing her a glass of water.

 “This is the first time” she told him, taking a sip and rinsing out her mouth.

 He told Renee to get back into bed and lay down while he got Ella up, dressed and fed. He was a little sad as he dropped her off at nursery, thinking about how quickly she was growing up and how much of her early life he had missed being on the road.

 “Bye daddy!” she called over her shoulder as she ran inside.

 He was in a contemplative mood as he drove home, finding a worried-looking Renee sitting on the edge of the bed.

 “You wanna talk?” he asked, feeling the tension in the room.

 She was silent for a moment.

 “Do we really have any decision to make?” she asked.

 He sat down beside her with a sigh. They were silent for a moment before Renee started talking, thoughts rushing out.

 “Just because things between us aren’t as good as they used to be doesn’t give us the right to be selfish and choose not to have this baby. We have the money, Ella would love a baby brother or sister and…we’re not going to break up are we?”

 That last part made his heart lurch. He felt sick at just the thought.

 “God no” he told her. “We made it this far didn’t we?”

 “I wonder how sometimes…” she admitted. “I wonder why you stayed when we were living like strangers…”

 “How could I not have stayed? It doesn’t matter what happens in our lives, I love you and I love Ella and I’d do anything for you” he told her. “I’m sorry for going back to work so soon and I’m sorry for being away so much. I promise I’ll be around more this time”

 “Are we really having another baby?” she asked, looking up at him.

 “I guess so” he smiled. She looked down at her lap for a moment.

 “You never told me what that couples’ counsellor talked to you about when she asked you to go alone…”

 “It doesn’t matter now” he insisted. In his mind, the timing couldn’t be worse to tell her. Not when they had just accepted the fact that they were going to be parents again.

 “Yes, it does. Because as soon as we had Ella, it’s like we flipped a switch and our relationship wasn’t the picture-perfect fairy tale it always was before. We’re slowly getting better. I don’t want this new baby to tear us apart completely this time” she argued.

 He sighed, holding out a hand palm up. She put her hand in it, letting him squeeze it as he spoke.

 “I didn’t feel like you loved me anymore”

 There. He said it. Ripped it off like a band aid.

 “What?”

 “When Ella was born. I wasn’t your guy anymore. I was just Ella’s dad. Everything changed. You looked at me differently…”

 “You really thought I didn’t love you anymore?” she asked, deep frown lines on her face.

 “I was used to having all of your attention and then suddenly your world revolved around Ella. I’m not criticising you for that. She’s our baby and she needed all of your attention. But even if it was irrational and selfish, that’s how I felt. I felt useless. She cried for you not me. And it didn’t feel like you needed me either. You two had each other”

 “I needed you then more than ever” she corrected him sadly.

 “I know. And I was too busy feeling sorry for myself and missing the way it was always you and me against the world”

 She reached up to stroke his face. “I’m sorry if I ever made you feel second best. You and Ella are the most important people in my life. I dote on her because she’s our baby, but you’re my gorgeous man and I love you”

 It was kind of pathetic how much his heart filled with joy at hearing that, but he leaned in and kissed her deeply.

 She pulled back, tapping him on the nose. “I understand…and I probably did get caught up in the bubble of obsessing over her but…she was so tiny and she needed us so much…”

 “I know” he pressed a kiss to her forehead.

 “She’s this perfect little mix of you and me…and I can’t help the overwhelming need to protect her from everything. But it must have been a shock for us to have been so close and then someone else come along and steal every moment, day or night. I’m sorry” she stroked his face.

 “Don’t apologise” he shook his head. “I should have told you”

 “I don’t want it to happen this time” she laid a hand over her tummy. “I want us to be a team. I don’t want us to sacrifice the love we have for each other in place of loving our children”

 “We won’t. Never again” he promised, cupping her chin and pulling her into a sweet kiss.

  --xx

 7 months later…

 As her due date got closer and closer, he kept his promise and made sure he was home more often than he was away. He was only travelling for television now and having him around to help take care of their daughter made so much difference.

 She could tell he was getting antsy as the birth drew closer though.

 She hissed, hand coming up to cradle her stomach at the sharp pain.

 “What’s wrong?” he asked, panic in his eyes.

 “It’s okay” she breathed. “Braxton Hicks”

 As the pain subsided, she studied him. His posture was stiff and tense as she laid a hand on his arm.

 “I’m scared too” she admitted. “But we’ll be fine” she linked their hands.

 He nodded.

 “Be honest with me this time…I can’t promise I’ll be the most attentive partner ever when I’m exhausted from night feeds but if I’m not showing you that I love you then tell me” she urged.

 He nodded. “I love you” he told her, running a hand over her swollen tummy.

 She smiled. They decided not to find out the sex of the baby this time around and though she’d be happy either way as long as he or she was healthy, she couldn’t help but hope for a boy. For Jon’s sake, she knew he’d love a son and it might be easier for him to feel less left-out with another boy in the house.

 --xx

 She’d gone into labour in the middle of the night, waking up to soaked sheets. She panted her way through the early contractions, Jon pacing the kitchen anxiously and holding her hand as they got stronger. The drive to the hospital had been scary, Jon a nervous wreck.

 Several hours later, she gave one last push to welcome their second child into the world. Jon had her hand clasped in both of his, eyes shining with unshed tears. That was until the nurse announced that they had a beautiful baby boy. Placing him in Renee’s arms, she couldn’t help but cry, the emotions too much. Looking up at Jon, he was hastily wiping his eyes, overwhelmed.

 “He’s so perfect” she whispered as they stared at the new life they’d created.

 Jon leaned over to kiss her and she accepted, revelling in this special moment.

 “You’re so much more than just the father of my children” she told him as he kissed the baby’s head. “You’re my partner, my other half, my soul-mate…”

[ambrosiac-x]

When is part 2 of the angsty deanee fic going to be up?? I loved the first part sooo much :)

Sorry! Work has been manic and I forgot to post it - It was meant to go up ages ago. I'm going to try to post it today!

[ambrosiac-x]

An Angsty Deanee Short-fic

I wanted to write this and post it all in one but I’ve been MIA for too long so here’s the first part of an angsty Deanee piece I’ve been working on. Disclaimers: 1. It’s not proof-read. 2. If you don’t like angst, don’t read it - it’s just fictionl! Hope you like it!

Renee glanced in the mirror as she passed it on her way down the hall, cringing at the dark circles under her eyes and the grey cast of her skin.

 This parenting thing was far from glamorous.

 As she breezed through the front room, her eyes were drawn to the photo on the coffee table. It was her and Jon when they'd just started dating, back in the days when they only had themselves to worry about. She loved that photo, it was her favourite. It captured their relationship perfectly.

 They'd gone to some bar that night, one of the nights on the European tour. She was wearing a pretty dress with a plunging neckline, showing off a hint of cleavage. Jon had even put on a button-down shirt for the occasion.

 She picked up the frame, immersing herself in the memory.

 She could hear it now, Clocks by Coldplay. She'd smiled as soon as it started playing. She'd turned to look at him, a dimpled smile on his face too as he mimed the lyrics to her.

 Brie had taken the photo, teasing her about it the next day. Renee hadn't been embarrassed in the slightest. Because that picture captured a perfect moment where, in the crowded bar, they'd only seen each other. Her hand was on his chest, beaming up at him with adoration in her eyes.

 Her heart ached when she looked at that photo now. Life wasn't a fairytale, she knew that, but falling in love with him had been her fairytale and when she thought about their relationship now, she wondered why she ever thought they could escape the inevitable fizzling out of the spark that everyone told her would happen.

 Everyone had said things would change – that over time their relationship would change and having a baby would only put further strain on things. She hadn't believed it, could never believe that they'd be anything but head over heels in love.

 She still loved him. She knew she would never stop loving him. But something changed between them and it was such a slow burn that she'd barely noticed it until the intimacy was so diminished that Jon was falling asleep on the couch instead of coming up to bed.

 Renee frowned. The house was too quiet. Brushing some dust from the photo frame, she set it back down and headed through to the nursery.

 Her heart melted when she saw Ella curled up on the carpet, fast asleep with her blanket clutched in her hand and her thumb in her mouth. Her blonde curly hair was a mess, sticking up at all angles.

 Just like her dad’s, Renee sighed softly.

 She was still blown away every day at the idea that she and Jon had created this perfect miniature human.

 Renee heard a car door slam and a key in the lock. Their eyes met as he opened the door, something unspoken  passing between them.

 “Hey…” he greeted, dropping his bags by the door.

 “Hi” she returned softly.

 “Where's El?” he asked.

 Renee turned to the playroom, Jon’s eyes following her movement.

 She stood back as he passed her, crouching down beside his daughter and lifting her sleeping form into his arms.

 He pressed a kiss to her temple, soothing her when she stirred.

 “C’mon princess” he whispered, gently lowering her into her crib. He stood over her for a while, stroking her cheek with the back of his finger. Renee stood in the doorway, watching him. He was an incredible father.

 When he stood up straight and walked towards her, she stepped back so he could close the door with a soft ‘click’.

 The silence was deafening.

 When she thought back to the first few years of their relationship, she didn't even recognise them now. They were best friends before they were lovers, but now it was like they had nothing in common. If they weren't talking about Ella, they weren't talking at all.

 “She's tired today huh?” he broke the silence.

 “Yeah…” she sighed. “I took her down to see the horses”

 He smiled.

 “I made some carbonara…I left you a plate in the oven” she offered.

 “Thanks”

 She watched him head into the kitchen and felt a surge of sadness. Was this really what their relationship had become? Ella was the only thing keeping them together, all other lines of communication were gone. When he was on the road for days on-end, they didn't even speak on the phone. He'd text to find out how Ella was, and when Ella was upset she'd call him so he could say goodnight to her, but that was all. She couldn't even remember the last time they'd told each other ‘I love you’, let alone had sex. She wondered if he ever considered being unfaithful. He certainly wasn't getting the intimacy at home. Maybe he had already gone looking for that elsewhere, she wouldn't blame him…

 Mortified that a tear had escaped down her cheek, she ascended the stairs up to their bedroom and climbed into bed fully clothed.

 --xxx--

 Jon pushed the pasta around his plate, the empty quiet of the kitchen echoing in his ears.

 He'd found himself looking for reasons to be away more and more lately. He knew that wasn't fair. It wasn't fair on Ella, she needed her dad around. It wasn't fair on Renee either. He could see how tired she was, she was practically a single parent 5 days of the week.

 He just hated the feeling that settled over him whenever he came ‘home’. There was an emptiness and a loneliness in the house that only disappeared when Ella was awake and running around.

 He'd talked to Joe about it. His friend had noticed something was up before Jon had really acknowledged it himself. Joe had implored him to talk to Renee, to try to figure out what had gone wrong. He'd even suggested they might be better to have a break. Jon couldn't bear the thought though, he wanted Ella to have at least the illusion of a happy family. He still loved Renee too.

 Scrubbing a hand over his face, he washed up his plate and made his way upstairs.

 He had to psych himself up to enter their bedroom, preparing himself for the onslaught of tension that summarised their relationship now.

 When he opened the door though, he found her curled up on her side, tear tracks on her cheeks.

 Swallowing hard, he sat down on the edge of the bed.

 “What's wrong?” he tried, the awkward silence making his chest tight.

 She shook her head, wiping her eyes with the back of her hand.

 He released a frustrated breath and put his head in his hands.

 If one of them didn't step up and at least try to fix this, they probably wouldn't see another Christmas as a family.

 “What are we doing Jon?” Renee asked quietly, despair in her tone.

 “Making each other miserable” he replied.

 “What changed?”

 He shrugged.

 She watched as he stood, entering the bathroom and locking the door behind him. She remembered the times when they showered together, when she’d sit on the edge of the tub while he bathed just to talk with him.

 When he returned, hair damp as he slid into bed, she felt like there were miles between them not mere inches.

 She curled up on her side, studying the back of his head and his broad back as he lay facing the wall. She knew he wasn't sleeping, but even as her eyes bored into his back, he didn't turn over. Lying there like that, it was torture.

 With a lump forming in her throat, she threw back the blankets and left the room. She crept past Ella’s room as quietly as she could, headed for the kitchen.

 She sat down at the kitchen table, iPad in hand and opened up the Internet search tab.

 Couples counselling Vegas

 A list of results appeared and Renee had to bite down hard on her lip as she opened up the first one.

 --xxx

 Jon woke up feeling almost as tired as he had when he'd come to bed. It had taken forever to fall asleep. He wasn't shocked to find the bed beside him empty, Renee was usually up before he was.

 He heard a noise from the nursery downstairs and frowned. Still in just a pair of pyjama bottoms, he headed down the staircase and found the door to the nursery closed. Normally Ella would be up and about by now. When he opened the door, Ella was standing in her crib fussing.

 “Hey princess” he greeted, lifting her into his arms and kissing her little pink cheek.

 He was suddenly concerned that Renee had left…why else would she have neglected to get Ella dressed and fed as usual?

 He wanted to go check the house, worried about where Renee could have gone and when she'd left. What if she'd left in the middle of the night? What if something had happened?

 Almost as if she could sense his distress, Ella started to cry.

 “Shh” he soothed, bouncing her gently. He had to take care of their daughter first, then he'd find Renee.

 He changed Ella’s diaper and picked out some clothes for her – a little white sundress. When she was dressed, he combed her blonde curls.

 “Are you hungry princess?” he asked her.

 She nodded, rubbing her eyes.

 Taking her by the hand, he led her through to the kitchen.

 He stopped dead in the doorway when he saw. Renee was slumped across the table asleep, pen beside her where it had rolled out of her hand and a piece of paper covered in her neat scrawl.

 He put a finger over his lips signalling Ella to be quiet as they approached. His heart clenched in his chest when he saw all the phone numbers.

 He didn't want to have this conversation in front of Ella so he carried her into the front room and promised her pancakes if she watched some TV while he made them.

 Closing the door behind him, he picked up the paper and studied it. On it were fifteen different phone numbers for local couples counsellors.

 It lifted some of the weight from his chest to know that she still cared enough to  want to try to fix things.

 He crouched down and pressed his lips to her head, taking in the scent of her hair for the first time in months.

 She slowly woke at his touch and he felt her sharp intake of breath when she realised how close he was.

 She flinched when she saw that he was holding the list she'd been compiling when she fell asleep.

 "I...” she started to try to explain.

 “I have Friday off this week…” he cut her off. “See if they have an appointment for then”

 She looked taken aback, gathering herself before nodding.

 “Is there anyone who can watch El for us?” he asked.

 “I’m not sure”

 He knew she didn't have many friends in Vegas, it was hard for her to get out when she was busy taking care of their daughter.

 “I'm sure we can find a babysitter or a nursery that can take care of her for a few hours”

 "Okay” she replied quietly.

 ---xxx

 Renee clasped her hands in her lap as they drove away from the daycare centre. Jon’s knuckles were white from the force he used to grip the steering wheel.

 Neither of them wanted to do this. They prided themselves on keeping their relationship private, it was something that was for just the two of them to enjoy, away from the prying eyes of the world. But if opening up to a stranger was the way to save this then that's what they would have to do.

 At least that's what she thought.

 But as they entered the homey little room and shook hands with an attractive older lady, Renee quickly realised things weren't going to be that simple.

 Jon sat stiffly on the soft leather couch. He was perched on the edge, as if scared he might sink in and get stuck.

 They started off with simple questions – and Renee found herself answering as Jon remained silent.

 “How long have the two of you been together?”

 “Just over six years” Renee replied quietly.

 “And how did you meet?”

 “Work…we both joined the company around the same kind of time” Renee explained.

 In an attempt to get him to participate, the therapist addressed her next question to Jon.

 “So what was your relationship like in the beginning?”

 Renee looked over at him as he shifted uncomfortably.

 “Uh…good”

 The lady smiled at him encouragingly. “What made it so?”

 Jon hesitated before answering. Renee knew how uncomfortable he felt sharing anything about his private life.

 “…we were good friends before we ever made it anything romantic. We just clicked right off” he shrugged.

 “Do you still feel like good friends?”

 “No” he replied honestly.

 Renee flinched, knowing it was true. Hearing it out loud was still difficult though.

 They sat there for another 30 minutes answering what felt like trivial, obvious questions before the therapist honed in on finding the centre of their problem.

 “Renee, where do you feel things changed?”

 “I don't know…” she sighed. “Over time it just feels like we’ve stopped communicating”

 “Why do you think that is?”

 “I really don't know” she admitted.

 “Jon?”

 Jon just shook his head.

 The lady studied him through narrowed eyes.

 “You haven't spoken up much this session - it's really important for you to feel like you can be honest here”

 “I don't know what happened either” he shrugged.

 Renee believed him, but the therapist clearly didn't when she stood and noted something on her notepad.

 “I'd like to see you in a one to one session” she told Jon. “Can we arrange that?”

 Jon looked reluctant.

 When he caught her eye, Renee nodded at him. It was worth a shot.

 “Okay” he ran a hand over his head.

 --xxx

 Things carried on much the same as before for the next week. Renee was starting to lose hope. Maybe they had just grown apart.

 She'd almost forgotten about the session when Jon picked up his keys and gave Ella a kiss.

 “I'll see you later” he told her.

 “Jon?” she called as he turned to leave. He turned back with a questioning glance. “I know you really don't want to do this…but I'm glad we’re trying”

 He caught the ‘I still care’ undertone of her words and nodded.

 As he entered the office for the second time, he was prepared for another expensive hour of time wasting.

 What he wasn't prepared for was what happened.

 “I asked you to come alone because it was clear to me that you're not being open and honest in front of Renee…”

 He blinked a few times.

 “I think the cause of this communication barrier between the two of you stems from a decision you have made not to divulge the reason you're unhappy”

 When he still didn't respond, she dug deeper. “I can tell you’re holding back – and I have to say, often men feel they're being selfless by keeping their feelings quiet but you can see what it's done to your relationship…”

 “What are you? A mind reader” he mumbled in frustration.

 "You can be open and honest here, that's why I asked you to come alone…”

 He rubbed a hand over his eyes.

 “It's stupid”

 “If it's driving a wedge between you then it's not stupid” she pressed.

 “Renee is always concerned with taking care of someone else, it's not fair for me to put this on her. I don't say anything because it's selfish”

 “What's selfish?”

 “Making this about my feelings” he sighed.

 “Tell me how you feel – it doesn't have to leave this room if you don't want it to”

 She watched him consider it carefully, weighing up whether or not he wanted to be honest or just brush it off.

 He gave in.

 "I feel like I'm just the father of her child now” he sat forward, elbows resting on his knees. “Not her partner, just Ella’s dad”

 “Why do you feel that way?”

 “Because since Ella was born, my role changed. I'm not her friend or her lover anymore, I'm a dad and that's where it ends”

 “When did you start to notice that?”

 “As soon as we bought Ella home from the hospital” he admitted.

 “Do you think Renee’s feelings for you changed then?”

 He thought about that for a second before shaking his head.

 “Why not?”

 “She still loved me, it's just her attention was elsewhere. Her feelings didn't change, it was just me being selfish and jealous of the attention she was giving our daughter”

 “Why do you keep referring to your own emotions as selfish?”

 “Because it's unfair for me to be upset that Renee started to treat me differently when she had such a hard time adjusting to being a mom and taking care of El while I was working”

 "How did she treat you differently?”

 “I guess I wasn't the most important person in her life anymore”

 "And that hurts doesn't it? You both described your relationship before you had your daughter as incredibly close…”

 “We were…” he sighed. “She was my whole world and I know I was hers too...this  sounds awful but I still love her as much as I ever did” he explained. “I love Ella too but Renee is my best friend and my soul mate. When we found out she was pregnant, I knew Renee would still be the most important person in my life and I just don't think Renee feels the same way. Ella is her number 1 and there's no room left in her heart for me anymore”

 Her face softened, knowing they'd pinpointed the very core of the problem now.

 “Have you told her you feel that way?”

 “Of course not” he half-laughed. “How can I be mad at her for loving our daughter? How can I be so selfish and childish – to be jealous of the love she has for Ella because she doesn't have the energy to pay both of us affection?”

 “Because you're her partner Jon, and you deserve affection too. I think if you told her how you felt, she'd understand”

 He shook his head.

 “Do you have any time alone at all?” she asked.

 “No” he sighed.

 "A weekly date night – I think that would be a good way for you to have some time for just the two of you. Do you have family that could watch your daughter one night a week?”

 “Renee's family are in Canada and mine live in Ohio” he explained. “But I'm sure we could find someone, we've had a babysitter before”

 “It would be even better if you could have someone watch her overnight – how long has it been since you were intimate?”

 Jon sucked in sharp breath at the intrusive question.

 “I don't know” he eventually replied. “A year, maybe more. I stopped counting after the first six months”

 "Have you ever sought affection elsewhere?”

 He shook his head, recoiling as though offended at the question.

 “I didn't mean to make you feel accused” she explained. “A year is a long time to go without that sexual connection”

 “I don't want to have sex with anyone else. I'm here to fix this”

 “I know, and the first step is to open up those lines of communication and set aside time where it's just the two of you, where you can just focus on your relationship and the things that made you so close to begin with. Rebuild that connection…” she coaxed.

 “Okay” he mumbled. As if it would be that easy.

 “I see a lot of couples, several every day, so I know what I'm talking about when I say that it's clear how much love you have for each other. It'd be a shame to lose that over something that could be resolved. I know you don't want to burden her with your feelings but she has been neglecting you and she'll only know that if you tell her…”

 “I don't know that I can. I can't make her feel like she's responsible for how things have been between us”

“Then don't make her feel responsible. You're both equally responsible for the health of your relationship. Just open up…that's the key. It'll be hard at first, but so worth it” she encouraged.

 He left feeling anxious, but with the seed of hope planted.

 --xx

 It was slow, but Renee had started to notice little changes. Firstly, Jon was home more often. And when he was, he made an effort to make the atmosphere lighter. He’d bring her something from his travels, opening up about where he’d been and how the shows had gone. When he was away, he’d call. Not just to speak to Ella, but to see how she was.

 One night, she’d just bathed Ella and put her to bed when the phone rang.

 “Hey” she answered, crawling into bed.

 “Hey” he replied, the radio playing in the background.

 “You're not driving are you?” she asked, concerned.

 “No, Joe’s designated driver tonight”

 "Good” she relaxed into the pillow a little.

 “It's nothing bad…but I took an awkward bump tonight and my shoulder’s kinda hurt”

 She sat up in bed. She knew him. Kinda hurt meant it was serious. “How hurt?” she asked.

 “I'm out for two weeks and then they’re gonna re-assess to see if I can get back in the ring after that…”

 "Are you coming home then?" she asked, wondering how things would be with him around for two weeks solid.

 “Yeah…”

 --xx

 She took his bags from him as soon as he came through the door, frustrated that he hadn’t asked her to come pick him up. She could see he was favouring his left shoulder, discomfort all over his face.

 An ice pack, meds and some Chinese food later and it seemed to have eased up.

 “You don't have anything planned tomorrow night do you?” he asked out of the blue as she cleared up all the empty take out boxes.

 “No…why?” she asked with a frown.

 “When I knew I was gonna be here for a while, I made some plans for a few nights this week” he told her. “I got someone to babysit…”

 “Who?” she asked, immediately concerned about who they'd be leaving Ella with. She saw Jon flinch and felt bad. He'd made plans and her first reaction was to question him.

“That sounds lovely” she added. “We haven't been out in forever”

 “The same babysitter we used last time” he explained.

 “Are you sure you’re up to going out?” she asked, knowing how much pain he was in.

 “Yeah…if you want to. If you don't that's okay…”

 He was always self-assured so seeing him concerned she would reject his efforts to spend time as a couple made her sad.

 “Yeah, I'd like to go out for once”

 --xx

[ambrosiac-x]

Are you okay? I really miss you and your great fics.

Sorry for being all MIA, just been crazy busy with work. I promise I’ll try to get something up for you guys in the next week!

[ambrosiac-x]

You ok? Haven't seen you and your amazing fanfics in a while

I'm just crazy busy at work at the moment! I promise I will post something when I get some time!

[ambrosiac-x]

Omg I miss your writing!! Where have you been?? 😭😭😭

I've been so busy :'( but I have been working on something, it's just taking longer than usual!

[ambrosiac-x]

I MISS YOU

Thank you! I miss being on here too! Hopefully when everything calms down I can be a bit more active on here

[ambrosiac-x]

Hey! Maybe you can write a one shot about how Jon and Renee are handaling being parents. Like a follow up to the mini series. Possibly 2-3 years after the birth if you like the idea :)

I like this idea, hopefully I'll get the time to write it soon!