[ambulavi]

hi world! I’m moving my blog to a different url. this blog is old and has a bunch of stuff I’d rather keep to myself from here on out, so I’m going to password protect it and sort of start over. I’ll do that in a few days.

it’s really difficult to contact people individually because of the ask limit, so if you want the new url just ask me. please don’t be offended if I don’t reply - I want my tumblr to be kind of a safe space for me to talk honestly about myself and my circumstances, so I’d rather keep this thing a little more personal from here on out. I love you guys. without this dumb blog I don’t know what the fuck I’d have done to cope with myself the last several years

xoxo

[ambulavi]

yo

[ambulavi]

hi world! I'm moving my blog to a different url. this blog is old and has a bunch of stuff I'd rather keep to myself from here on out, so I'm going to password protect it and sort of start over. I'll do that in a few days.

it's really difficult to contact people individually because of the ask limit, so if you want the new url just ask me. please don't be offended if I don't reply - I want my tumblr to be kind of a safe space for me to talk honestly about myself and my circumstances, so I'd rather keep this thing a little more personal from here on out. I love you guys. without this dumb blog I don't know what the fuck I'd have done to cope with myself the last several years

xoxo

[nickelbacksonyoutube]

[ambulavi]

I'm reading through the handbook of the school I attended for all 13 years of my pre-college education, and came upon this gem

"In light of God’s Word (1Thess. 4:3, 1 Cor. 6:18-20), [the school] upholds a biblical view of morality.  Whenever there is clear evidence of willing participation in sexual immorality (such as premarital sexual relations, unwed pregnancy, homosexuality) a student will not be permitted to attend [the school]. In addition, since the Scriptures teach that life is sacred, a student who has an abortion may not attend [the school].  Parents of students in violation of these policies will be asked to withdraw them from the school. "

aaaaand that's why all of my life I hated myself for even considering that I might be tomboyish, or "lustful," or gender fluid or heaven forbid, a gay, and that's still why I can't bring myself to be open with my parents/old school friends about things of this nature. anything other than these standards equals pretty much instant ostracization, or at least  years (if not a lifetime) of awkwardness/mild to severe resentment/being loudly evangelized to all the time

[ambulavi]

it is finally, FINALLY, FINALLY warm (mid to high 50s!) and sunny. I went skateboarding for the first time since November, and I went to the zoo and the lake and through some parks, and there were old men playing chess on a bench, and I made friends with a sea lion, and then I went to a cafe and bought a nice bottle of ginger ale. then I sat and started a new comic (!!!!!! should be up tomorrow maybe) in the sunshine of a nice big window in the cafe, and for a while they had playing a chopin nocturne arranged for accordion and violin. precious. then I had a brief meeting at school, and now I'm home making curry and outlining the first of four papers I have to write in the next week.

four papers, a project, two presentations, a jury, and one exam and I'm done. that may seem like a lot, but to me it seems pleasantly finite. in a week in a half I'll be done with this trimester, and next Saturday Boyfriend and I are going to the WTNV show for free, and then I'll work full time over spring break and read lots of books when I'm not working

COOL

[ambulavi]

Hello friend #sealion #lincolnparkzoo (at Lincoln Park Zoo)

[ambulavi]

I just bought an Xbox and a bunch of games from an acquaintance for $100. I wasn't planning on getting one until I was working full time this summer, but it showed up on Facebook and I COULDN'T HELP MYSELF OK he's gonna be in town to drop it off in a couple weeks. it'll be my first console since my parents were pretty anti-video game when I was growing up so I'm a little excited and idk if it's the fact that I just spent money or of it's something else from the cocktail of stressors in me right now, but I feel really panicky so I'm hiding in Boyfriend's bathroom while he and friends eat dinner and play video games I don't have my l-theanine with me so I might just go try to nap it off I feel sick sigh

[dyingburrito]

"People are strange: they are constantly angered by trivial things, but on a major matter like totally wasting their lives, they hardly seem to notice"

Charles Bukowski  (via dyingburrito)

[bradleyspitzer]

[ambulavi]

HA I’m in love

just making a general announcement. it’s cool

[ambulavi]

GOD DAMN IT. I WANT TO GO SKATE BOARDING. I WANT TO SIT AT THE BEACH AND STUDY AND DRAW AND BRING PICNICS. I WANT TO WEAR LONG FLOWY DRESSES AND PRETTY MAKEUP AND PAINT MY TOENAILS AND EAT CHEESE AND APPLES IN THE SUNSHINE. FUCK WINTER, FUCK IT, FUCK EVERYTHING, I WANT TO GO ON A PLEASANT GODDAMN STROLL AND WADE IN LAKE MICHIGAN AND READ WEIRD BOOKS IN THE DAPPLED SHADE OF FULLERTON BEACH AAAAAHHHHHHH

[ambulavi]

I want

a cat (July)

weather warm enough to wear dresses (hopefully in the next two months)

money (never)

good grades (feasible)

a hug (tonight)

time for art and comics (soon?)

inspiration (???!?!#V@#CRwefs zdcx gnfgdcs)

[ambulavi]

it's almost 5 in the morning and I'm almost done with this assignment and then I'm going to sleep for five ish hours and then get up and present this haw haw haw I'm TIRED

and then i have to take an online exam and then go to class BUT I don't work tomorrow night so I can to bed at like 5 pm

I'm dead I think

[ambulavi]

I have a snuggie and little to no motivation to do anything to help myself, ever

[ambulavi]

tonight I have to put together a 15-minute presentation for tomorrow's Musicianship class on Arvo Part's Magnificat Antiphons, and take an online exam for my ethics class, and write a couple really brief essays

tomorrow I need to start catching up on some papers for my class on American humor - I've missed two deadlines but explained my depression/anxiety issues to my professor so he's extending my deadlines, bless his soul

I really, really want to draw comics but I don't have time. I feel so bad. there are literally tens of thousands of people that I've already attracted as an audience, and I feel like I'm letting them (and myself) down by almost never posting content while school's in session. pisses me off and makes me feel guilty all at the same time

I won't be online super often in the next 2-3 weeks because of school and work. but then finals will be over and I can resume my life as a somewhat normal human being

I need to call my mom tomorrow and tell her I don't want to go to school next year. that should be fun

I don't like talking to my mom

idk I just feel really really really really burned out and apathetic about everything right now. I'm going to go research an Estonian composer with a sweet beard for a few hours. good night my sweets

[ambulavi]

In other news, I do not have enough money to survive right now and I really want to get my comics going again because a) it makes me very happy and b) it might mean making money which would mean being able to like, have a heated house and feed myself and stuff I just have absolutely no free time or source of inspiration because I'm too busy going to school and working so I can be able to, like ....have a heated house and feed myself and stuff

[ambulavi]

SENDING YOU POSITIVE ENERGY AND I HOPE THESE 15 DAYS GO BY FAST <3333 :*

thank you thank you thank you, lovely kind soul

currently letting some caffeine and l-theanine course through my veins, reading up on indeterminacy in the work of John Cage, going to rehearsal later, working 6 hours after that, and then doing more schoolwork until I pass out. game time woop