Antoinette Frazier @amichellefxo - Tumblr Blog

A Girl/Woman Should Be Two Things:

I think I'm slightly obsessed about the world of relationships. What makes them tick. Why do people fall in love and why do they fall in the love with certain people? Are romantic relationships really the be all end all we make them out to be? What does the media communicate to women. What does the media communicate about men? How has social media affected the way we interact with with one another romantically? What subliminal messages have we fallen prey to? What lies are we believing? The truth, I believe, is different for everyone. And therein lies the heart of it. Your reality is what you make it. It's taken a while, the last decade of my life to be exact, to figure out what works and what doesn't. To start, I wasn't your typical little girl. Growing up I sincerely had little to no interest in boys. I definitely thought certan boys were cute but I never dreamed about my "perfect boyfriend". I never even dreamed about what my wedding would be like. And even though I had crushes, I was never crying in the bathrooms at school like some of my peers. They way girls would obsess over guys genuinely confused me. I didn't think boys were gross but they also did not play a significant role in my life. It wasn't until little jerk offs who I rejected started accusing me of being a lesbian that I started to wonder if something was wrong with me. Why didn't I obsess over boys like my sister, cousin and friends at school. Was there something wrong with me? I honestly did not take a sincere interest in guys until I graduated highschool and even then I still wasn't sure what to do about it. I never really understood what was supposed to happen. For me, at the time, having a guy around meant I could do risque things with a buddy. I did not know you could actually build a life with someone. Or that engaging with one wrong person could change your life forever. So fast forward up to now and I'm still confused about a lot of different things but I stumbled upon something the other day that I'd like to share. Maybe it will be helpful to someone else in the future. I was at dinner with friends the other night and I was having these drawn out conversations with other young women in a similar position as me. We were discussing the topics of how the dating pool is so horrendous these days. The underlying theme being that it's hard to find a "good"guy. Whether or not this is true is no longer relevant to me. I left dinner that night feeling very drained wondering why even cared at this point. I've been single for the last 3 years and during this time I've been wrestling with myself. Trying to understand why I'm still single. Because being single at 28 must mean something, right? And it's definitely something bad. (Note sarcasm) All my life I've allowed people to dictate to me who they think I am and what I should be. Not any more. I'm done believing the lie that being single is some how a negative reflection of who I am. I'm just me, whether I'm "single" or in a relationship. As far as I'm concerned, guys no longer exist in my world. The same way it was when I was little. The guys I've known and the time I spent with them doesn't matter to me anymore. I don't care if there's no eligible bachelor's around. I don't care about online dating or trying to find someone. Life is just life and people are just people. Women place so much emphasis on having a man in their life as if they've accomplished something once they have a boyfriend or a husband, and you know what I see...? I see mediocre and sometimes less than mediocre looking guys with bombshells. I see hardworking women with bums. I see women who run a tight ship with docile men. I see mediocre or less than mediocre women with gorgeous men. I see people who struggle with fidelity. I see people who appear to have nothing in common. I see people picking people because "it just makes sense". I see single, good looking, hard working guys be intimidated by every woman who says hello. I see losers with the cajones to pursue women out of their league. I see flawed human beings doing their best to make it work. And that's just it, isn't it? They're just human beings. Their creatures of habit, flawed human beings doing their best to try and make it work. They make mistakes and this doesnt mean they don't deserve our respect and kindness, because they do. But they certainly aren't worth the time and energy I waste worrying about them. Because I guarantee they aren't worrying about me. I'm done. I'm done fantasizing. I'm done searching. I'm done complaining. I'm done being desperate. I'm done being hypersensitive to the presence of a man in the room. I'm done begging for attention. I am as I am and it has nothing to do with anybody else. If I want to sit at park and blog for hours then that's what I'll do because it DOESN'T MATTER. If I want to wear my hair curly, sporting converse and t-shirts every day then I will because it DOESN'T MATTER. Screw being "hot" or "perfect". It is what it is. I can't change my unperfect past and whether or not someone finds me attractive is completely relative. The only thing I know is that I do my best to be kind and respectful to everyone I meet. I'm educated, smart, funny, silly, loud, introverted, caring compassionate and simply wondeful in my own way. And whether or not I meet someone, ever, will occur during a witching hour when nobody expects it. Either way. Screw it. My happiness will no longer be dictated by the approval of men. I can be happy now simply because I can. It's MY choice. So it's time to move on.

The Girls I Admire

Without fail the girls that I admire the most are the one’s who appear to be happy. And not the, look-at-me-I’m-pretending-to-be-happy-so-I-can-look-“cool” sort of happiness but the genuine, real happiness. They type of happiness that comes from being truly content with onself. The kind of happiness where she knows how to create her own fun. She does put others down or gossip because she is too busy trying help make the world a better place with her smile, her grace, and positive outlook on life. She doesn’t take offense to much and she’s wise enough to know the difference between picking a fight and standing her ground. She makes mistakes but they’re the forgivable kind. And either way she learns her lesson quickly and does her best not to make anymore. She’s humble, yet fun. She can laugh really loud or be quiet while reading a book in the morning while sipping herbal tea. She’s beautiful and she knows it, but she doesn’t pile on make-up or wear flashy clothes. She’s modest, and subtly fun, and sexy. She’s soft and feminine but has the heart of a lion. She’s strong and she’s brave. She’s patient. She never rushes her season. She percieves each moment to be just as fulfilling as the next. Being at home, warm in bed and a trip to Disneyland are almost equal in her heart. She is a daughter of the most high King. She can forgive. She can love. She is a friend. Her husband adores her and she honors him. She looks at each transition as a new adventure. And while she may not have all the material resources she is prepared for anything life may throw at her. She may break but she has a support system that serves as life’s bedrock foundation. I want to be this woman but my past haunts me in a way in which I fear I may never recover. I can’t say it enough. I wish I had never done what I did. I wish having an abortion qas not apart of my history. It makes me sad because if you look at my history I am nothing like the woman I just portrayed. I’ve made mistakes…the unforgivable ones. My mistakes have resulted in.permanent, visible scars. Like STD’s, unwanted pregnancies, a broken heart and lost time. I’ve been weak minded to where I was able to be influenced by other broken, destructive people. I was pathetic to believe that I had inherited this grand misfortune when my parent’s gave me everything. I wasted away my years at university, never embracing the fullness of that experience. Instead I followed around a mental disturbed child while projecting all my hopes and dreams in to him. He took far more than he gave. Sometimes I wish I voukd close my eyes and fast forward through the next five years. I like to think that in five years these things will be distant memories so small in my cortext that they disappear forever. I’m broken and as hard as I try I just feel like an illegitimate, misguided little girl. Rebellious and dumb. Seeking thrills to numb the pain instead of planting my feet firmly within the ground and facing my fears. I ran away like a child who selfishly seeks shelter and doesn’t go back to see if anyone else is okay. I didn’t understand the consequences of my actions. I didn’t realize hiw fleeting time is. I didn’t know my father would die before I tunred thirty. I didn’t know that I would damage my body with sex and STD’s. I didn’t realize I was destroying my soul with rebellion, arrogance, pride and ungratefulness. I didn’t know that one had to work every day to achieve peace and joy. I confused being safe, and making good choices with being “boring”. I am dumb, so stupid. It’s no wonder I’m where I’m at now. Having to live with roomates, single, broke, in debt and dirty laundry to air for days. I HATE the results of what I’ve done. I want to be someone else. It’s not that I hate myself but I want to renew my soul. I want to be able to live in this skin.without feeling the side effects of horrible decisions. If I couls start over I would. God I’m asking, if you’re there, obliterate these memories of pain. I don’t want to live with this anymore. Of course the fools I once knew have moved on. They are shallow and will continue to live with an empty soul and never know the difderence…or maybe I’m the one with the empty soul. You know how some people say that life is what you make it? Well I’m starting to comprehend the depth of that cliche. Maybe I’m empty, so my interactions and experiences with others plays out as such. The world is simply responding to the frequency that I operate on. Is there really no hope for me? Will I forever be this person? I’ve been like this since high school and I’ve had enough. Happiness should not be this difficult to attain and maintain. There has to be a formula. There has to be a solution to this heart problem. And you know what? I’m going to find it!

Clearing the Air

I feel angry...or maybe irritated. Maybe both, I'm not sure but I need to get my thoughts out before I go crazy. Last night my cousin was going on and on about how great my sister and her husband's marriage and life is and it was bothering me. I guess you could say that I'm jealous but I hate using that word. And it was more than that. I felt ashamed. I felt angry. I felt disgusted with my cousin and myself. I want to go back in time and erase every experience I've ever had. I want to start over. I serve a God of second, third and 77th chances but I still don't feel it. I feel weighed down by the choices I've made, the people I've befriended and the experiences I've had. I know people say you can learn from your mistakes. And I truly believe I'm in the process of doing that but without fail I always fall back in to the deep recesses of my mind. That place where the enemey lives in all of us. If it's not one thing it's abother. The enemy will always attack us where we are weak and soft. I suppose my weakness has been rebellion. But then again I suppose it's also been being a follower. I mean what kid doesn't want to be apart of the popular group. What kid doesn't get curious about romantic relationships and all that is implied. I just never thought this would be my life. I never thought my first boyfriend would be this abusive, controlling monster. I never thought I would be molested by friends and family, and sexually harassed by co-workers. I never thought I would get used by people. I never thought I would get pregnant outside of marriage only to have a subsequent abortion. I never thought I would try and use recreational drugs. Who is this person? And where did she come from? I grew up in a nice family. My father was an ordained minister and my mother a woman of God. I grew up in a small town on the right side of the tracks so what happened? Where did I go wrong? Now I find myself here at the ripe old age of 27, barely able to afford a living, my mother supports me in more ways than one and I have piles of credit card and student loan debt. Oh, and let's not forget a questionable past. Today is different. Today is quiet. Today I'm making sure I take my birth control every day and choosing to wait for marriage. But the way my life has gone, I doubt that will happen. I'm single, with a series of broken relationships that have left me depleted of my self worth and confidence. In a fit of rage my sister once told me that I should not have been acting like a slut and kept my legs closed. She aplogized but those words still ring in my ears and burn in my heart. I know I sound like a whiner. She s just complaining, you might think. I know I'm not the only one who is struggling. My mom lost the love of her life, my aunt missed 15-20 years of her life being strung out on drugs. Some people have made seemingly bigger mistakes than I have and I know I have much to be thankful for. Maybe I am being hard on myself. I guess I have high expectations for a flawed human being that is me. Being around my cousin and his family depresses me. Most of the things that come out of their mouths are negative. They judge other's harshly as if they have nothing to reckon with themselves. Their attitudes are ugly and they lack a sense of kindness. Is this it? Is this the reality of the challenge God assigns us? To love other's as we would ourselves, especially the one's whom we believe least deserve it. It's easy for me to love my friends at church, work, school and my closest family members. You know, people who are like me. But then there are people whose souls are wrecked and ragged. Their logic is deeply flawed and they see the world as a game of getting what they want rather than contemplating ways to give back. My cousin disturbs a deep level of my psyche. He represents everything I hate. My fear is that men like him are the norm and I so want to believe the opposite. As I struggle to establish a firm belief in God's promises I'm constantly met with con-artists, sociopaths, and narcissists. Selfish people who treat living, breathing human beings with a story to share and something to contribute as a means to an end. "I want to hook up and you look like someone who could complete my fantasy. Are you down?" If not then you're no longer needed or required. Is that all I'm ever going to know? Does being attractive mean you're destined to be hunted by predators for the rest of your life? For all intents and purposes I should be the cream of the crop. I work hard, I'm trying to be obedient to God's will, I do my best to serve others, I'm educated, beautiful, and athletic yet I still feel like I'm at the bottom of the totem pole. I still feel accessible to perverts like De'mond. Maybe that's it! When I was with Gabriel I felt a false sense of confidence because "I had a boyfriend". My confidence, even when it's empty seems to be maintained by attention which is gross. My confidence should come from God. I should be affirming that I am child of the most high king. I am loved, confident, intelligent, beautiful and athletic. I am worth the trouble of being pursued. I will one day experience the joy of marriage and having my own family. I will marry a Godly man whom God picked for me. My past is forgiven by the one who knitted the fabric of the universe. My soul is apart of the vast expanse and the sorrows I experience today will one day no longer exist. I am NOT a product of my environment. My father is Brandon Frazier and that means something to me. I will not be brought down by other people's evil and sin. The enemy's head has already been crushed by the heel of Jesus. I am NOT a slave to bad behavior or past mistakes. I DO NOT need to find a husband, my husband will find me.

Here’s the Truth...

“In a moment of inspiration one must simply write.” -A.F.

Thank God for friends that we admire, look up to, respect and who inspire us. God speaks through conversations and ordinary moments with people we love and trust.

I’ve made mistakes and I think at this point I’ve managed to compile all of my wrongdoings into one tiny manageable compartment. I like to imagine it as an egg.

My tiny little ball of an egg, comprised of all the things I wish I could take back or change. All the things I hate about myself…at least it’s in a small container, right?

But the thing about this tiny little egg is that it’s super dense. It’s heavy with all the pain and hurt that I carry around. My little ball of unforgiveness. While I understand that I have been forgiven by the Great Forgiver himself. I have yet to forgive myself. I stand back and take stock of where I’ve been and I ask: “What was I doing?” and “Why was I behaving like that?” “Who was that person?” “Am I still that kind of person?”

Or, I’ll think: “I know that I could have done better.” “I should have done better.” “I can’t believe I allowed myself to be distracted in that way.” “I hate that person.” “If I weren’t me, I couldn’t imagine why any one would love her.”

Let me tell you, I walked right into the enemy’s trap…and stayed there for a few years.

The good news is that I like where I’m headed now.

Yet I still feel undeserving. In those quiet moments of grace it’s the RIGHT person who God places in your life to remind you that you’re never too far gone. In this moment you’re reminded that you ARE lovable even though someone else might have successfully convinced you that you’re not good enough.

My little egg of torture. Just like Gollum and his precious (the ring). I hide it and keep it safe. Nurturing it while it destroys me from the inside out.

Maybe I’m on the edge of breaking it. Maybe it’s time for me to just drop it and let all the yolk spill out. Maybe this egg is no longer mine to hold. If you’ve never heard my story before, you will now. (“Reader’s Digest” version) ;)

I grew up in a Christian home with a very strict father. He was an ordained minister of The Church of God in Christ and he worked as a Youth Probation Officer for LA County. So things could get a little intense in our home. I have a strong will and so did my father and so we clashed.

I resented things like rules, having a curfew, not being allowed to date, not being allowed to spend time with certain friends because my father didn’t approve. So when I got the chance I rebelled.

To keep this blog appropriate I’ll keep the names of those involved private. Let’s call him Michael…like the fallen angel. Anyways, I started dating Michael just before my 20th birthday. He seemed alright in the beginning. Not having established my own roots in faith I was easily persuaded by the “logic” of a misguided person who had no respect for authority and resented any form of religion or practiced form of faith, including Christianity.

After I moved away from home to attend University it didn’t take long for the enemy to sink his hooks into me. I wanted to save myself for marriage but the curiosity was overwhelming at times, and the pressure of knowing that if I didn’t soon give in I would lose my boyfriend, won out. He was a heavy drug user. Anything from marijuana, mushrooms to cocaine, and Vicodin. He had access to it…so I had access to it as well.

He showed me documentaries about science that unfolded the big perspectives of all the brilliant minds whose research debunked religion and faith. If I wanted to stay with him there was no way I could continue to claim to be a Christian so I walked away from my foundation.

(Side Note: Today I am a lover of science and hold steadfast to my faith. I believe that both faith and science are two equally distinct paradigms that can exist in harmony. You don’t have to discard one because of the other. Respect and appreciation for both CAN exist within the same soul.)

He couldn’t get along with anyone in my family or friends so eventually they had to go too. As long as it was just me and him, doing what he wanted to do, with his friends, we were good. Or at least until I slipped up and had my own opinion..that never ended well. Screaming matches, name calling, physical force, and manipulation always put me back in my place. He was like an overgrown child that would throw temper tantrums anytime he didn’t get his way.

We dated for almost five years and by that time I had signed the lease for an apartment that was supposed to be “ours” but I was the only one paying the bills. Never mind the fact that I was still going to school and working part-time. The final straw came when he asked to borrow money from me to pay for an elaborate drug deal he was orchestrating in Ventura. Mind you, the money he would have borrowed was money that I received for school tuition as well as money from my father to help pay for rent and groceries. Unfortunately, I had been lying to my dad. He would have never condoned of me living with a man I wasn’t married to, let alone help out with the bills.

This would have been the second time that I had funded one of his excursions…had I said yes.

I was broken and had grown numb to my present circumstances but I new something was wrong. I finally checked myself in to counseling, which of course, Michael had warned me against many times. I broke up with him a week or two later.

I’d like to say that my troubled past ends there but little did I know that my heart loves adventure and enjoys a little bit of fear of the unknown. It took some time to heal from my abusive relationship but I was also ecstatic about my new found freedom. I could finally try new things and make new friends without judgement or someone telling me what to do! So I dated another guy just for fun…and made some more mistakes. My self-esteem was LOW, so it was difficult for me to honor myself and my body the way a young woman should.

At the end of 2014 I had decided that enough was enough and rededicated my life to Christ. I had been baptized as an infant but my heart felt called to make a declaration of faith to represent my new beginning. My father was apart of my ceremony and that is a moment I will treasure forever. I must say that my church community has been a true source of life for me and without it I might still be in a dark place.

I was finally able to reconnect with family and old friends. Everyday life was getting easier and I was finding that I could enjoy things as they were without having to try. I could just be myself.

Sadly, my father died last February which proves that even when we aren’t looking for trouble sometimes trouble will find us. The resentment one little girl used to hold in her heart for her father’s rules morphed in to respect for a man who loved God more than himself. He overcame a lot of his struggles and because of that he was able to give more to my sister and I than what he received as a child. For that, I am truly thankful.

I miss him all the time.

Last summer, after careful consideration and lots of prayer. I made the choice to rededicate my body to God again. I “voluntold” my family that I wanted them to be my accountability partners and they gladly accepted their new roles. I even purchased a promise ring.

Yet somehow I managed to make another mistake and this time I would pay for it in more ways than one. I was careless and found myself in a position where I had to make one of the hardest decisions of my life thus far. As a Christian I’m supposed to be against abortion. Unborn children have just as much of a right to live as anyone else.

But I also believe in a woman’s right to choose. So I chose. And for anyone who knows me, you know that I have no physical children of my own.

I’m ashamed of what I’ve done but more so in the way that I was stupid enough to get myself into a situation like this. I forced myself into experiencing more sorrow for no reason other than my own recklessness. I feel like a poser and a failure but my hope is that one day I will forgive myself and that maybe another young woman can find hope, love and forgiveness through my experience.

If you’re wondering about the guy, rest assured that he is out of the picture. While I believe his intentions were “good” I also understood that I would have been raising a child by myself and that’s not something I want for my life. Another black mother with a fatherless child. There was no way I was going to allow myself to become another statistic. My children will not be raised in a broken home. God will be the head and center of my household.

I just wish it had never happened.

These days I’m working on sorting through all of the muck. I’m trying to understand where I went wrong and being very purposeful in my relationships. I believe some of my poor decisions have been a result of negative outside influence. Choose your friends wisely my darlings.

As young women we are called to make the most of our single years. I just hope and pray that I can make it through mine without any more mistakes. If it’s God will that I remain single I would like for it to be a pleasant experience involving lots of growth. But of course, I welcome the opportunity to experience true love one day…hopefully sooner rather than later.

If you get this far and are left feeling in a state of shock and dismay, don’t worry, I am too. This has been something that’s been weighing on my heart for a long time. One of the ways I experience God is through writing. “The truth shall set you free”, right? (John 8:32)

James 5:16 - “Therefore confess your sins to each other, and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.”

Proverbs 28:13 - “Whoever conceals his sins does not prosper, but the one who confesses and renounces them finds mercy.”

Psalms 32:5 - “Then I acknowledged my sin to you, and did not cover up my iniquity. I said, ‘I will confess my transgressions to the LORD.’ And you forgave the guilt of my sin.”

Well here is my truth, my confession, and with that I’m finally dropping my egg.

Thanks for reading.

All my best,

Antoinette

Count It All Joy

Make no mistake, there is no joy in the actual state suffering.

Some people fall into despair and are unable to return to the surface without intense therapy. At times some require clinical help in the form of antidepressants to manage a chemical imbalance in the brain. Others, unfortunately, never return to the surface. And so we mourn the loss of a life taken too soon. But I believe where a heart is strong she can fall and stand back up because she is willing and she is able.

Struggles look different from every aspect. Whether it be mourning the loss of a loved one, or mourning the loss of bad behavior, an unfavorable aspect of our personality, addressing deep seeded issues, trauma, poverty, disease, sexual, physical or mental abuse. The pain regardless, is sometimes unbearable…

We run from our darkness, from the pain, from our evil, because we fear what we might discover about ourselves or worse, never return to the surface. However, facing the reality that we are not perfect often times seems far more terrifying. So we try to bury it. We disguise it under bad decisions, addictions, drugs, sex, desire, denial, social media, eating or not eating, self-inflicted pain, and the like.

But for the soul who is interested in discovering truth, I encourage you to plummet. I beseech you to dive in to the deep end, reach the bottom and there you will find the floor. If you survive, which I know you will dear child, you will begin to understand that just as the good never lasts forever neither does the sadness, the rejection, or the pain. It melts away once you confront it. Just like a coward the adversary flees when uncovered.

From what I understand, God calls us to die to ourselves. Not in the literal sense but within our hearts. We must humble ourselves, quiet our pride and the notion that we can do it ourselves. Forsaking what we wish to hold on to and what we think we can control.

We’ve all felt it. That crippling feeling. That debilitating pain of a broken heart, wondering if it’s even worth getting out of bed and asking, “Why me?” Instead of running away, I challenge you to plant your feet firmly on the ground and face it. If you allow it, the excruciating moments of pain will soon cease, and when they do, you will experience relief in knowing that you did indeed survive and with that receive a portion of wisdom and compassion that is unmatched.

I feel as though us mere mortals sometimes fall in to the subconscious mind trap of believing that life should be somewhat easy. The harsh reality is that there is no formula for avoiding strife. Not even reading the bible will prevent you from experiencing hardship. We all have a cross to bear (Matthew 16:24, Luke 9:23). Suffering is inevitable and if you’re able to read between the lines and swallow the enormous pill, you might even see how it is necessary. We are all subject to the iron pressing of redemption. We live in a broken world where man has fallen (Genesis 3). In receiving the gift of grace and being forgiven we must also accept our responsibility to identify problems within and wrestle with change.

For some of us, evil and suffering has been thrust upon us without any choice in the matter. My heart breaks with you. I see the injustice and I feel your anger, confusion, and frustration.

Ultimately, we all must choose which direction to take. It’s only after healing that other’s can and will recognize it in you. They may not know what it is but they feel your warmth. They feel your kindness. They feel your strength. Not knowing there was much suffering endured in order to receive this new found peace. I urge you, in order to be the light and salt of this Earth we must go where no else is willing to go. We are called to be brave. We are called to face our fears of the unknown.

Once we address what scares or hurts us most, that form of pain is no longer foreign. Those fears have been experienced and can become something familiar to us. This is our task, our burden. This is our cross to bear. As we undertake our daunting task we may begin to understand ourselves and in turn, be able to help others. Hence forth, these fears no longer hold as much power over us. My hope and prayer is that, with practice, we will become efficient at confronting the darkness within. Fears along with pain maintain their potency because they are unknown.

I love drawing a comparison to the of the legend of the phoenix. A mystical bird who most certainly will die but from it’s ashes comes rebirth. The ONLY way for a new phoenix to manifest is for the old one to die and be reborn. In a similar sense we also must die. We die to ourselves, we submit to our suffering in order to receive new life within us. This is a daily practice that transforms us into the beauty of this world. This is the twisted yet perfect exercise. Suffering must take place in order for us to receive grace. We’re able to love because we have been broken and we have lost. Much in the same way that the “good news” comes from the resurrection of Jesus Christ, joy comes AFTER we’ve fallen, after we’ve crumbled into the ashes. There in the depths, where it seems darkest is where we finally allow light to shine. Unexpectedly, there in the dark is where we find God.

Yours,

Antoinette

“The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss and have found their way out of the depths. These people have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.” —Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

#foodforthesoul #christianity #perserverance

Attention S’il Vous Plait..

What is attractiveness? In reality, what purpose does it serve in terms of a man’s character and how he treats the women in his life? Does a man’s facial features and body type open doors? Does a man’s eye and hair color, show respect through actions and words? Does a man’s height show that he respects his mother and father? Does his smile prove that he is a hard worker and dedicated to his craft? Does his fashion sense prove that he is humble and willing to submit his will to God’s teaching? Does the sound of his voice ensure that he will be a good father and husband?

Come on ladies! We are smarter than this! I WANT to believe that I’m smarter than this…

It’s the same reason certain men have been attracted to me. Without thinking about it in reality, they saw an “attractive” person and then assumed I possessed whatever qualities they are looking for. Not realizing that I have a laundry list of faults and mistakes that I wish I could take back. On paper, without seeing my picture, they would probably overlook me.

#relationships #wakeupladies #wakeupmen #truelovewaits #godlydating

July 10th, 2016

*DISCLAIMER*: I hope you read all of this and THINK.

While I understand that a Facebook post might have little to no effect on the world as a whole, I still want to be an advocate for change. I think it’s important to remember that 400 years of slavery, abuse, disenfranchisement, and oppression does not go away over night. Many forget that the Civil Rights Movement occurred, and Jim Crow Laws (SEGREGATION) became illegal ONLY 70 years ago. I, like many other Black Americans still feel the pain of our ancestors and continue to experience the effects of being apart of a marginalized group. My goal is not to make other Americans feel guilty or alienated. My goal and my hope is that people would start to empathize with people of color. That you would hear the frustration and the hurt.

I am in no way excusing acts of violence. The ultimate truth is that killing someone whether they are a police officer or a man with an extremely troubled past is WRONG. There is never any justification for murdering someone! NO ONE IS PERFECT AND WE HAVE ALL FALLEN SHORT AND MISSED THE MARK. There are NO judges here on Earth worthy of deciding whether a man should live or die. If you take a life, you are WRONG.

I feel as though some Americans keep quiet for fear of exposing their sincere feelings about these issues. I think it’s time that we stop hiding and be honest with one another. I think some believe that there is no such thing as a bad cop or corruption in the police force. And people of color tend to be confronted by the law because they are bad. And then there are those who believe that all cops are corrupt and harbor deeply rooted feelings of anger and fear towards people of color. There are some who believe that while cops are here to “protect and serve” they only “protect and serve” the few. We have to be willing to admit that there are both bad cops and good cops. Bad citizens and good citizens. Bad politicians and good politicians. Bad servicemen and good servicemen. And that RACISM, PREJUDICE and BIAS do still exist in America today.

I will admit that growing up as a black woman in America I do not believe that police officers have a favorable opinion of me. I’ve been pulled over by cops before and I have never felt a sense of compassion or respect from any of my encounters. I will admit that as a little girl I used to wish I was white. I will admit that I used to hate my curly hair and wanted it to be straight. I used to hate the color of my skin and wanted it to be lighter. I too used to believe the lie that the majority of black people were criminals. Please realize that I grew up in a suburb in Southern California. My father worked in law enforcement and my family and I lived a good middle-class life. I have a college education and I have a great job. But despite all of this I still sometimes feel like an alien in my own country. We have to ask ourselves, how can this be?

After reading this post, watching the news and hearing the cries of many will you return to your summer activities? Hoping to suppress what is unknown and scary. Not realizing that you have the privilege of looking away because you CAN. There are those who live a life of fear, and uncertainty in this country everyday without relief. This is a thought that should disturb the psyche of all Americans not just the ones who are brown.

Be honest and ask yourselves if you had the opportunity to be a Black American, a Hispanic American, a Native American, an Asian American, or a Middle-Eastern American, for a day, would you do it? If the answer is no, then ask yourself why? Is it because deep down you know that being a person of color in the United States means that you are not completely free?

After hearing about Philando and Alton did you become ENRAGED or did you simply assume that they must have done something that resulted in their fate? If you agree with the latter then ask yourself why? Is it because deep down you do believe that 9 times out of 10 a black man is a criminal and deserves to be punished?

Stop staying silent and be honest. Do you believe that black people are always complaining or do you try to understand why growing up Black in America means you are destined to carry a level of insecurity and angst in your heart?

It hurts to be misrepresented in the media and history books. It hurts not being told of all the great accomplishments that people of color have contributed to the world. It hurts knowing that certain regions in America and even our CHURCHES are still heavily segregated. It hurts knowing that terrorist groups like the KKK, Bloods and Cryps still exist today. It hurts knowing that the majority of white people STILL don’t understand the texture and chemistry of black hair. It hurts knowing that some people deny that the Holocaust ever happened. It hurts knowing that the aboriginal people of America, Africa, parts of Asia, and Australia were displaced by European force and we hardly talk about it. Do you see the denial? Can you see how ignorance prevails when the truth in education fails?

I think we have to realize that while our forefathers wrote one of the most important documents in human history, the United States Constitution was written in a time that advocated for the rights of European descendents ONLY. NOT for slaves, NOT for Native Americans, NOT for anyone else and that hurts. We have to admit that this country, while GREAT, has an ugly past and it’s time to discuss the true feelings of Americans of all colors.

I believe that America has been a trendsetter in the past and it can be a trendsetter now. Let’s start a trend towards healing and understanding. Let’s open our eyes to the fact that when some Americans are hurting we all suffer. This is not the time to blame leadership or each other. This is a heart issue that requires each individual American to stop and evaluate yourself. There are solutions to these problems and change can happen if we’re ready for it.

Be kind.

#blacklivesmatter #altonsterling #philandocastile #blackgirlmagic

My "attempt" at a firebird. Thanks for capturing the moment. Photo cred: @_soulebrity #danceislife #crystalcove (at Crystal Cove, California)

#danceislife #crystalcove

Lessons of a Lonely Soul

I've been so foolish to think that my true joy and peace would come from the acknowledgement of another. Things I once thought impossible now seem like life projects. Becoming a better person is something that I can achieve on my own. Although, having a strong support system makes it all the more sweeter. Feelings of loneliness are opportunities to either address the demons within or find something productive to do. While certain dreams may have to be laid to rest there are others that can still be accomplished. Beatiful success and a life well lived is completely dependent on how much time is devoted to getting to know God. I can do something bigger than myself and not surrender to fear. I can stand firm on what I believe in and not be shaken.

This One is for the Boys...

I feel like this doesn’t happen as often as it should so I want to take some time to give kudos to the boys.

I’ve definitely made some mistakes in my life and I think I’ve seen a glimpse of how bad things can get. Fortunately, my heart has been restored and I am so thankful for this magical time in my life.

So this one is for the boys. I want to say thank you, because there was a time in my life where I had stopped believing. I stopped believing that I could meet a guy who would look me in the eyes and just have a conversation with me and not expect anything else.

I want to say thank you to the guys who look me in the eye instead of at my chest. Thank you for listening and thank you for keeping your hands to yourself. Thank you for showing respect. Thank you for opening doors, paying for meals, and walking on the outside of the side walk. Thank you showing compassion and sincerity. Thank you for showing kindness. Thank you for being gentle.

Up until recently I feel like I’ve only known a few truly admirable men but through grace I’ve had the honor and privilege of getting to know some incredible young men in the past year. And I wanted to say thank you. Thank you for reminding me of what it’s like to be respected. Thank you for reminding me that I can respect myself. Thank you for showing me that not all men are sleazy. Thank you for reminding me that romance and chivalry are NOT dead. Thank you for helping me realize that patience and holding on to one’s values pays off in the end.

I cherish the man who can sit down and have a conversation with me or any woman without ever bring up a sexual reference of any kind. I cherish the man who works hard at what he does. Whether that be bagging groceries or the CEO of a company. HONEST, hard work and being good at what you do is always sexy. I cherish the man who sees beauty around him and instead of wanting to exploit it for his own personal gain, decides to protect and nurture it, so that there may be beauty to continuously experience throughout his lifetime. To all the men young and old who are capable of love in the way that means commitment. To all the men young and old who want to take care of their daughters, wives and mother’s let if be known that I respect you. I love you and I sincerely wish there were more men like you.

Thank you to the men who not only speak but truth but try hard to live a life that reflects a moral character. Your dedication means more to me than you’ll ever know. I am blown away by your intelligence, mental and emotional strength. You are role models not only to me but to the world around you. You’ve opened my eyes to things I didn’t even know existed.

#truegentleman

Lisa, This is for You

I have a million ideas swirling around in my head and as much as I’d like to start getting ready for bed I don’t want to waste this streak of inspiration. I’m trying to figure out what schools I should apply to for grad school. I’m also in the process of trying to figure out if joining the Peace Corps is right for me.

These are hard choices for me and they are overwhelming at times to think about. Someone truly amazing said to me yesterday, “Once you say it out loud it becomes true.” She was referencing the idea behind trying to make a decision between different career paths. She, just like me has a passion but sometimes passions don’t always foot the bill (or in my case, pay the bills). I also think that when we are excited about something we have this fear of “jinxing” it and/or making ourselves look foolish if things don’t work out in the that we planned.

I know several people who I find to be completely brilliant and they never fail to inspire and intimidate me all at the same time. I thought I was alone in the idea that I wanted more. That life could be more. I thought I was being silly and idealistic and maybe I am. Maybe they are too but for now I feel the fire of wanting to go forward and I feel like it’s possible. I ask for guidance and at times I doubt I will receive it. I sometimes look around myself and wonder, can I be happy with just this? Can I be happy with what I have now? And I’m starting feel a sense of peace about where I am now and where my life might be heading.

But do you ever get the feeling that you are meant to do more? Do ever feel like there are these big moments waiting for you and your soul won’t let you rest because you have something more to do? I want to impact lives, and not in the way of fame. Fame is shallow and fleeting. I want to touch people and inspire others to do good things. I want people around me to feel like they can achieve their goals no matter how big or how small. I want to spread kindness. I want to make genuine, REAL connections. I don’t believe that people are a means to an end. I want everyone to feel like intelligence and information are theirs to have if they want them.

The question behind choosing grad schools was that of technicalities. I feel the effect of outside influence, of feeling like I have to choose a career path that would lead me to a point where I’m guaranteed a job in a field that is secure. But after listening to Philosopher, Ruth Chang I can see it differently now. I was watching her lecture on TED Talks via Netflix and she claims that hard choices don’t have to be viewed as being difficult. The obstacle behind difficult decisions is the choice between equally great options that appeal to our different values. She asserts that tough choices are a God send and making the “right” choice should reflect what is important to you. The choice you make can be a gateway towards you becoming more like the person you want to be. And let’s be clear, who we are is not some ambiguous notion. We are capable of making choices that reflect who we are now, and more importantly, who we want to be.

So I choose to follow this model. Maybe choosing to go to grad school for something that is more closely related to what I value as opposed to what is “logical” might be a much better fit. I went to school for Communications and with recent events in my life I’m starting to believe that my desire for wanting to help others coupled with the art of communication can lead me down a path that suits me well.

I recently spent some time with another brilliant mind. He’s young but he’s crazy enough to know that he can be his own boss one day. He wants to start his own business and if I can help him do that I will. I know a writer who wants to pursue her passion and I remember telling her that I would voluntarily make a fool of myself for her one day. I think the frame work for something bigger than I imagined is beginning and I’m excited to see what will happen, yet also terrified.

Believe me when I say that if you seek truth, it will come after you like a lioness hunting down a gazelle. Just as graceful and horrifying in all of it’s glory but a lot more loving. These things that happen, they happen for a reason. Stay true.

#forlisa

Thinking Out Loud

Today's ramble is something that's been on my mind for a while now and I'm starting to feel like a pot of boiling water that's about to overflow, so I should get this out before I spill scalding hot liquid all over someone...

Anywho, fairly recently I had to join today's current dating scene. I broke up with my boyfriend of 4 1/2 years and at this point I can confidently say that I am not a fan of 2014's dating culture. But then I started thinking about myself and what kind of woman I want to be and what sort of message I want to send out into the universe, or more directly to men. And then I started examining myself and my past and I started analyzing the type of boys I've dated and what I've allowed these people to get away with and then I started to get angry. I started feeling sort of worthless in my quest for love because at this point in my life I honestly haven't had one nice boyfriend who treated me with respect and loved me in a way that I could be proud of. I have to ask myself, is it something that I'm doing wrong?

And then I started thinking about how it wasn't just the men I dated but even men I haven't dated. For example, my coworkers, or guys that I met in high school or guys that I meet through friends or at a party. There was something about all of these relationships/interaction that really bothered me and even now I can't quite put my finger on it.

Don't get me wrong. Not all of my interaction with men have been negative. If anything I would say it's 50/50. But the weird and/or negative interactions with men do tend to stand out more in my memory than the positive ones. Maybe some might argue that I'm being pessimistic. Maybe? But after my soul searching analyzation I realized that I want my interactions moving forward into my adult life to be positive, productive and respectful. And then I started to think about the ways in which I could change my behavior in order to illicit this sort of respect I'm seeking. But then it dawned on me, and this is where I get really frustrated. Why do women have to change themselves in order to get respect or to be treated they want to be treated by or from men? Why does the woman always have to yield to a guy?

I mean you see it all the time. In the majority of cases, a woman will stop hanging out with her friends and doing the things she likes to do jus to spend more time with her boyfriend. The girl's life get's completely demolished and the guy gets to keep his social life and get's to keep doing everything he likes and wants to do. Why is that?

But this is a man's world so the answer to all of my questions isn't that hard to find. Yesterday I watched a video online that went viral. It was a ten minute video of Steven Colbert responding with some very loving, fatherly advice to young women who sought his council on love and relationships. While I do appreciate Mr. Colbert's outreach I do have a small bone to pick with him. In one of his answer's Steven was addressing a young woman who asked a question in regards to how to deal with guys who make inappropriate and vulgar jokes about women and rape. Mr. Colbert gave two pieces of interesting feedback: 1) That these boys who are making these comments in a desperate attempt to get this girl's attention. and 2) That if she doesn't like their behavior and if she's comfortable enough to do so she should speak up and tell these boys to stop making these inappropriate comments.

It was generous for Mr. Colbert to even take time out his busy day to repsond to these amazing women but at the same time I disagree with his advice to this particular person. First off, I understand that little boys in high school want attention from their young attractive school mates but why is being vulgar and inappropriate a tactic? It seems like there's a bigger issue here because if a man wants a woman's attention he should be being nice and complimenting her and/or making an attempt to provide a thoughtful gesture. When did insults become a form a affection?

Secondly, and I think this is the thing that bother's me the most, because yet again it's the responsibility of the woman to correct a man's behavior. Instead of expecting our young men to be polite and watch their mouth's in front of our young women, our young women are expecrted to go to school and tell these young men to behave. In addition to going to school and focusing on their school work, extracurricular activities, friends and trying being a good kid young women are also expected to keep their male classmates in check. That seems a little unfair, overwhelming and confusing all at the same time.

I think these confusing societal messages don't just end in adolescence. I think these contradictory ideals continue on into the adult world. I'm starting to realize that if I want respect from men I would have to behave in way that most people would classify as being a "bitch". But then if I want to find a potential life partner I need to be nice. And nice usually requires me to allow a man to treat me however he sees fit.

I know that what I'm writing may seem a bit extreme but seriously. I'm tired of going to work and anticipating some guy making some sort of inappropriate sexual remark towards me instead of just telling me I look nice (or why even say anything about my physical appearance at all?). I'm tired of anticipating some guy touching me in a way that I don't want to be touched when the reality of it is, I don't want to be touched, period! I'm tired of being concerned of how I dress in anticipation that it may bring on unwanted attention. I'm tired of second guessing myself because I'm afraid to stand up for myself because I don't want to be viewed as a "bitch" or jaded. I'm tired of having to feel insecure or less intelligent just to stroke a man's ego.

But it's been ingrained in me. I'm a part of this society just as much as the next woman so the habits are there. The habitual method of how I interact with men exists for me just as much as it does for any other woman, which means it's going to be that much harder for me to break the cycle of some of my own habits.

Although, it would be nice to live in a world where I don't have to worry about correcting a man as long as I'm not his mother. It would be nice to live in a world where I don't have to worry about offending a guy just because I want him to keep his filthy hands off of me and his obnoxious opinions to himself. It would be nice to know that I can dress however I want without fear of being marked as easy or a "slut". It would be nice to live in world where men who desire a woman's attention go out of their way to respect me instead of insult or disrespect me, in hopes that society has done it's job and made me insecure enough to see view this as a romantic gesture. It'd be nice to live in a world where the exchange of sexual inappropriate jokes isn't considered flirting. I'd like to live in a world where the hyper sexualization of women isn't projected and impressed onto young girls and women. I'd like to live in a world where it's the responsibility of the parent's to teach the little boys to respect little girls. That women are humans too and your sexual desires are not a reason to view a person as less than human.

I sincerely believe the historical degradation of women throughout societal history is the result of men not being able to cope with the majestic power the female prescence has over him. We overwhelm their sense and intoxiate their souls. I get it. I would be afraid of us too if I were a guy.

Disposable

I recently had a friend tell me that she thinks people are disposable. Grant it, we were talking about ex-boyfriends so I'm not sure if this is the way she feels about all of the people in her life. And unfortunately I didn't bother to ask in order to delve deeper, but regardless she got me thinking. I used to know a guy who, from what I understood of him, shared the same sentiment in certain situations. And being that we spent a lot of time together in the past I think I once shared this sentiment with him as well. However, in light of recent events I've started to feel, I've started to think differently.

Bare in mind I've been drinking this evening so I'm feeling free!

Anywho, I just don't think it's accurate to say that people are disposable. I mean everyone is entitled to feel and think the way they feel or think but think about it...

I think there is something so powerful about human connection. There's a magical quality to it if you will, and I truly believe that each person, each...soul that you connect with has an important impact on your life. I am a self proclaimed intorvert and I am proud of it! I love my alone time and love being quiet, alone, and at peace with my own thoughts but I think my appreciation for solituude has also made me appreciate the time I spend with people even more.

If you take the time to learn from your mistakes instread of letting them define you (which is not easy to do) in my experience, even those who harm you, can provide incredibly valuable life lessons and impressions for the mind to savor. Memories, the things that they said become markers for how you live your life. Your parents, your friends, your lovers all have an influence on you and if you're open to it you can take the bits and pieces and connect them and the result is the person you are today.

Because of this I hate the dea of leaving people behind. I hate the idea of loss. Especially when the one who has been loss is still living. To make the choice to remove a person from your life is not an easy thing to do. It hurts. And the pain is not something I would wish upon anyone. Yet I'm proud to say that I've experienced this type of pain and I know that I am stronger because of it. With each day it get's easier but I'll be honest..the knowledge of knowing that some who has hurt me has also influenced me and shaped me into the person I am today is a contradictory notion therefore it's and issue that's hard for me to resolve.

I don't want to make a habit of going through life cutting people out. I don't want to have to keep starting over. I want to appreciate what I have. I want to cherish and love what's mine. Good relationships take a lifetime to build. And I realize now that that's what our childhood is for. It's the only time in our lives where we have the freedom to build and create lifetime connections. And the connections from my childhood now appear to me as a gold. Something precious that I never want to throw away.

With this understanding, the creation of new connections seem to be even more important. I trust now that the right kind of people are being sent my way therefore I believe it's my responsiblity to maintain the relationships in my life. I feel a power, a positive energy from being surrounded by great people.

I am more than willing to put myself out there now. More so than I've ever been willing to before and I hope that I am able to do great things with this new found freedom. It is an ultimate goal of mine to create enough positive energy in my life so that it may become bigger than myself. An entity to be shared with world.

The Third Chapter

So far it seems like my life has gone full circle. I feel like I lived three different lives. And now this third life I'm currently in is similar to the the first one. When I was younger and I lived at home, growing up it seemed like life sort of just happened to me as I went along and now that I'm older I understand that the life I want is fully within my control. For a long time I looked outside of myself, at other people living these seemingly happy lives and I thought to myself. "Why can't my life be that way? How am I any different than anyone else?" and then after life's experiences and several reality slaps I realized that being happy is a choice. I also have come to realize that the happiness I've been seeking lies in the simplicity of things. Yet there's something so beautiful and complex in simplicity.

It took me what seems like a lifetime to figure out how to be by myself. There's something so painful about being alone. Loneliness can take over and consume you and take you to a place within yourself that is very dark and almost what I would consider evil. But if you accept loneliness and understand that it's okay to feel her strength and power without feeling like she's trying to kill you slowly then she and you can become friends and she might even show you and teach you things you may have never learned in the hustle and ever moving world around you.

I've learned to accept loneliness and when loneliness becomes a friend of yours it become something much more pleasant. Solitude is her name and in solitude there's peace. I am beyond thankful for my solitude and with it I hope to do great things.

I'm overjoyed at the thought that my life is better than it was yesterday or three months ago or a year ago. It shows me that the hard decisions I've had to make were the right ones because I can actually say that I'm happy now.

Friends and even just as important family, or what I mean to say is the company you keep can impact your life immensely. I'm glad to say I've had to start over and regroup and what seems to be happening is that the friends I made as a kid and as a teenager are the people who seem to be of much better quality than some of the newer friends I've made in the last several years. But then again it seems like with all of the distractions I once held so near and dear to me I glanced over a few gems along the way. It is now a goal of mine to not glance over anymore gems. However getting rid of toxic people is essential for happiness. Or at least that's what I believe. And knowing the difference between a gem and a toxic person is a fanatstic skill to possess and to master if you so wish to do so. Not to say that I've mastered anything but I think my skills are much better now than they were before.

I think this newer chapter of my life is going to be much better than the last two chapters combined. Until next time..

#Trending

Alright so this time I'm deciding to do this for real, for myself despite the critics and what other people might say. I'm deciding to do this because I think it will help me in this "journey" that I'm on. Maybe making yourself vulnerable is the trick to discovering one's own version of happiness? I don't know, but I'm willing to experiment with this because I feel like I have nothing to lose.

I've been writing for a long time. I've written in journals and on my computer and now I feel ready to share with everyone else....if there's anyone even reading this...anyways. I once heard that if you write for yourself then it's your passion, so I suppose writing is my passion even though I've never thought of it in that way.

I think I've spent most of my life being angry for some reason and I can;t seem to figure out why. It frustrates me and I'm coming to the end of my rope so I'd like to get rid of this angst. I think at the ripe age of 25 I should be past this whole "angry at the world" persona. I probably come off pretty lame to other people which grosses me out when I think about it.

Being so young I have a few regrets and I think I can do myself a huge favor by practicng being a better person or at least a better version of myself, so I'm giving myself a challenge. Everything I used to I'm going to do the complete opposite. Alright, wish me luck!

The Truth

It's easier for me to be completely honest on here. Facebook seems too superficial and populated to use as a platform for what I truly want to say, so without further a dieu, a thought to end the day: I really want to start working hard towards being the person I want to be...night xo

Revelation

My new goal in life is to surround myself with people who might change the world.

Trending Blogs

Recently Viewed Blogs

Antoinette Frazier