I guess this tumblr can be like my diary. A diary any stranger could possibly read at any given time if they search for the right things.. That could be good for me though. I love having someone to talk to! And who's better to talk to than a complete stranger... OH how i love the internet.
Caution: I can't write, never claimed to be a writer , and my thoughts and words are often jumbled into craziness! So...don't expect greatness!
So where to begin? Should I begin last summer? I'll skim it.
So this time last year, I went through some crappy times. Long story short, I was betrayed by someone I thought I was close to. I decided instead of facing it head on, and dealing with it like an adult, that I would move across the country. If I wasn't here to see anyone I didn't want to see, I wouldn't think about it. I was really wrong.
I ended up moving to Red Deer, living with my cousin and his wife. We are all around the same age so It wasn't a huge shock in any way. Living with a couple however was a big shock... Not used to having to choose sides in arguments! Well.. I am used to that because my mother would often try to get me to see things her way, when really her way was the crazy way... but that's a story for another time and place (like a therapy session)
Before I left to o out west however, I was dating a guy. And we both kind of knew going into it that we were each others "rebound", as we had both just gotten out of relationships. We loved hard and fast, and I hated not being around him. And I know he felt the same. He decided to take my car from here to Red Deer, and live with me. We had a huge plan, that we were going to live there until September, and then we would move to Fredericton and live happily ever after.
Well. None of that happened. He got out west . and I was so happy to see him, everything went fine.. but we fought all of the time. I am an extrovert, and he is an introvert to a T. There was always a struggle between us because of that, which inevitably caused our demise. Even though we both knew in the back of our minds that we were completely wrong for one another, the weeks leading up to our break up was really difficult. I was not only losing the person I thought I loved, but we were soooo far away from home, and he was the only person I had to talk to.. Dangerous territory.
We ended up driving back home, and had a lot of upsets on the way. We were pretty much over the day we got home, but ended up texting, or sleepign with each other a few times... In the end I had to start ignoring him. And shockingly enough, he ended up dating someone right away.
I saw him a few nights while I was out, and it was really bad because I honestly missed his hugs and his love, but I couldnt deal with his emotions, or how we treated each other. Seeing an ex out is really not fun. But as adults we have to do those dumb things and face them head on... because if you dont you ust end up halfway across the country thinking about someone else, while you're laying in bed with your boyfriend. (Thats exactly what I did). I know that because I was hurt I was just craving the attention from someone, anyone.. I feel bad because I had done that, and dragged him across the entire country, but honestly... I think we both kind of learned some things. (Well, I know I did, I havent talked to him in a long time, so dont know if he has learned anything haha)
I was home, finally, and still in a fragile state. I knew I needed to better myself somehow because I was having really bad thoughts. Suicidal thoughts, hating myself, the usual depression was kicking in. I had recently lost a huge group of friends, and coping was never soemthing I was good at. I decided therapy would be great.. and perhaps some medication to numb the pain of being awake. Trust me, I hated being awake... being left to deal with every thought i had about all of the mistakes i had made, and all of the people i had hurt.. it was too much ffor me!
Therapy was a great decision. I talked about Jamie (my cousin who passed away from cancer in 2010) and my Papa (my grandfather who passed away in 2009). We also talked about being betrayed by a best friend, and talked about having my first true love. AND of course we talked about my upbringing, and my parents. Therapy always leads back to parents.
Ever since I can remember, I havent been able to cope with anything. Good or bad, whenever something would happen in my life that caused major emotions, I was unable to deal with them. I had always made irrational decisions.
I was in my longest relationship with the first person I loved when my cousin died. I still remember the day that I actually knew I loved him.. (I had said it before this but i truly felt it this day) It was the day of Jamies wake, and I had just gotten into a fightwith my mother. He and I slept on the futon together because my sister and brother in law were in my bed. When my roomate got up in the morning to go to work he turned on all of the lights, and I was awake but my eyes werent open, I really didnt want to face the day. Boyfriend pulled the covers over my head until the lights went out, and then tucked me back in when my roommate left. It was such a small gesture.. but it meant everything to me. And still does.
Then Christmas came and went, and then my birthday. Things were going great I thought.. I was a little clingy and I thought I deserved all of his free time. Dumb dumb girl.
My Dad worked over seas at the time, and when the civil war broke out in Libya I was terrified for his safety. He was working at a camp in the Sahara desert. He ended up going missing and we didnt hear from him for a few days which were the worst days ever. Boyfriend didn't act the way I thought would have been appropriate.. and I left to meet up with my sister and Mother in halifax, thinking that when I got home I would have to talk to him about understanding me more..
Finally after a few days my Dad was out of any danger, and he had made it to Spain. I didn't have a ride back home right away, so my mom found one of her judo friends for me to get a ride back home with. I thought he was a nice and friendly enough guy, but as my luck would have it he was anything but. He made passes at me for the first hour.. then made some off hand comments towards me.. and then it ended up with him forcing himself upon me and forcing me to do ..things.. (thats incredibly hard to write... woahh.. havent talked about that in a while) And when I got home, after that had happened... I didn't tell anyone. And i let that ruin (what was already sort of breaking down) my relationship with boyfriend.
All of that was covered in therapy. Well.. to be honest... I didn't really talk about the sexual abuse.. but I didn't know how to bring it up. Its way easier to write it apparently.
SO after a few months of therapy, it ended with me feeling great about my future. I finally figured out that I wanted to be a nurse.. .and I am currently in the process of upgrading so I can go to school next year!
I've been single now for 7 months. Which is the longest I have been single for since I was 18. It gets incredibly lonely... but I keep myself busy and I have amazing new friends who I love dearly. I still think about my ex's often. but I am trying to break that cycle... they were in my life for a certain period of time, and they were there to teach me a lesson.
The lesson I learned from longtermboyfriend was that I have to grow up, and accept people as they are. I can't change anyone, and I shouldnt change for anyone either. Being in love doesn't mean spending every waking minute with a person, it doesn't mean that if he's off with his friends that he is up to badness. Being in love is just.. love. Loving regardless of faults, loving when times get hard, loving the time spent away from each other so that you can love the time spent with one another that much more. I have grown up since that relationship.. and even though it hurts me to say, I am glad we arent together anymore. Without pain , there is no growth.
The lesson I had learned from drivesacrossthecountrytoseemeboyfriend is that everyone needs time to be alone. Everyone. I learned of the type of person I want to be with, and the type of person I want to be. I am a friendly, people loving person, and I can't be with someone who doesn't accept that part of me. I also learned to accept that everyone isn't like me... even though we may have a lot in common in interests wise, doesn't mean we have the same values. Values are what make a person.
Running away from your problems doesn't make the problems go away. If anything it makes them harder to face when you come back to them.
The people who love you for you are what matter in life.
Friends are the family that you get to choose. And family that sticks by you even though you're being dumb, are the best kind of people in the world. Never take either of them for granted because they could be gone tomorrow.
So.. even though my life is still in shambles on occasion, I know where I want to go, and who I want to be. I accept my faults, (some of them haha), and I'm working on the stuff that I don't like about myself. Slwoly but surely I'll be in a great place.
If anyone has read this...I'm sorry its all over the place.. I have too many thoughts all at once.. but thats something else I am working on :)
Keep your stick on the ice <3
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