would you erase me? @amomentaloud - Tumblr Blog

AAAAAA

i just want to know what's wrong with me but i don't want to go to a psychiatrist and have em be like "are you fuckin stupid" and waste their time and my money but being in my mind is such a terrible and anxious place sometimes and i hate it and i am awful at coping with it i want it treated and dealt withhhhhhhhhh

i don't really know why i keep getting sad over this there's no reason to be, im at a good place my mind just cant let go of the stupid stuff i guess

dummy

its not as if i miss him in particular. i realize after the fact that he was terribly manipulative and rude to make up for his own lack of self esteem. i was okay with that, i recognized it quickly. as long as i was useful to someone, i was happy. it's the memories associated with him that tear at me the most. staying up til 4 am just talking about stupid shit while we were both half awake. it took me a long, long time to get on skype with one of my oldest friends, but it was instant with him. i trusted him. there was no reason not to at the time. he was nice (when he wanted to be), he was sweet, it looked like he genuinely cared about me. maybe im lying by saying i don't miss him, i'm not sure, now that i'm writing this out. i guess i miss the old him? before he graduated, before he turned into someone much more sour. i was part of the problem, i won't deny that. i always fall too quickly and get too invested too fast. im too emotional for most people to be able to handle. but he did for a little while. or.. maybe not. i didn't talk to him about my problems much, even though i feel like i remember him asking me to. it didn't feel right. his problems far outweighed mine, who was i to complain? but the way he got me so invested hurts now. the sleepy 'i love you's, the way he insisted that i should say it back, how he helped me open up and laugh, feel comfortable writing... all those things are such uncomfortable territory now. im forcing myself out of a community because i dont feel safe or comfortable knowing we're both in it. one i enjoyed, one of the first ones i joined on the site. ive thought about it all tirelessly, the memories we had are like worn out records. but i can't forget. my memory doesn't allow me to forget. everyone i've loved once sticks with me, i can't just drop them. i need closure and i never get it and it tears at me much more than whatever did when we fought. i wish i could remember that. but i never can. history repeats itself too often.

*bangs on table* ITS NOT FAIR

our song was from nevershoutnever, how embarrassing

prior to eighth grade, i had only dated one kid. i was a nerdy outcast, so it was only natural that no one wanted to get with me and ruin their social image! its fine, middle school is vicious

early eighth grade, i get a message on facebook from a classmate. i didn't and never had a class with this kid but he knew me and was being p friendly. he was also rather cute so i was like YEAH SIGN ME THEF FUCK UP

long story short, i end up hooking up with this kid at a party that i said i would make out with him at - mind you i was a kissing virgin up until like a month before this. his ex was a 16 year old thirsty girl while i was a flat 13 year old with negative experience in romance or sex

nothing happened, but he did give me a very romantic kiss and he stood next to each other for a little while and stuff. he was cool with it though i think idfk i dont remember. but we started dating! and he was incredibly sweet and kind and patient with me... for a little while. i would come see him at the end of the day and he'd hug me and spin me around and try to hold my hand but our height difference was a little too much... it was cute! i fell in love so, so quickly and i was just so invested. it seemed legit, he added my mom on facebook and everything

but then the sexual advances started coming on stronger and stronger, which i was obviously uncomfortable with. i wasn't ready for that, not so soon!! so despite all the sweet texts and enthusiastic hugs and sitting with a table full of nerdy girls at lunch every day to be with me... he finally broke it off. because i was too uncomfortable to go to his house alone. now - part of me regrets this. im curious to what would have happened if i went. would we really have just cuddled instead like he said? but another part of me is proud of sticking to my word - for reasons i'll mention real soon

so after all this ended we were still friends, but i was absolutely heartbroken. i still talked to him, but without a relationship keeping us together, it was kinda hard. we really didn't have a whole lot in common, especially with the was he was going. he was one of those kids - drinking in the bathroom, presumably taking up smoking. his friends were a pretty bad crowd. but he still hugged me if we saw each other in the halls, so... i really don't know how he felt about me! <_> maybe it was out of pity, idk

so time passes and he gets in a fight with the most notorious hard ass bitch in our grade, like she didn't fuck around with no one. small blonde white girl but jeez was she tough... ANYWAY, i don't remember what it was exactly but he pissed her off and she scratched down his back real hardcore right in the hallway, it was intense. this was strike one!

but there were only two strikes :')

next, he's not seen for a few days. this was like a month or two after the last event. everyone is like ??? but some people knew and are trying to keep hush hush about it. turns out, he was screwing around with some girl on the bus, tried to get into her pants and get frisky, she wasn't having it and called rape real quick. bus cameras caught it all, he was very promptly expelled and had sexual harassment charges pressed. his facebook had to be shut down and eventually, he moved away Tennessee.

now me, i was devastated. i never got to say goodbye, i never got to know if he really liked me or not, i never knew if i would have gotten a second chance. very recently, i saw his new remade profile and was happy to see that he was doing better elsewhere... but i don't think i actually ever recovered. being to attached and strung along by someone only to be dropped with no answers totally fucks up a 13 year old girl with little to no dating experience beforehand. it was intense, and it was moderately serious for a teenage relationship! so uh... yeah

i still have dreams about being able to see him again, at least one more time. i mean i could always message him and be like HEY BRO!!! but you think he remembers me? hell nah, son. not even a lil bit

so instead i just suffer with my memories from time to time and get really depressed :^)

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

It's happened time and time again. I get caught up in my own emotions and lash out. Sometimes it hasn't even been that. Sometimes you just drift away. But no matter what, in the end I've been stuck on the outside. People I could freely interact and joke with were now just strangers. All I can do is sit and watch them go on with their lives, acting as if I was never part of it. It hurts, not being able to help them if they're troubled or joke about something you could freely do before. It's a different kind of loneliness than one you'd encounter through mere romance. It hurts a little deeper than that. If it's a breakup, you can go and cry on a friend's couch until it's all over. But when you lose a friend... Who do you go to then? Those who said they'd be there no matter what aren't anymore. It's a hopeless, lost kind of feeling. One that's never really easy to get used to. I get such a deep anxiety when I think of what it'd be like without you around. We hit it off so quick, and got comfortable with each other so quickly. The thought of losing the opportunity to spend all night talking to you in a tiny closet about the most mundane shit makes me cry almost instantly. I don't want someone else to be able to do that. I want to be special. Special to you. It's been a while since I've been able to just be so comfortably close to someone like that. People I've called best friends have since left my side, so seeing it start to go down that path again makes me feel... a little helpless. I want to cling on so much. I want to make sure it won't happen again. But that's not fair, is it? You're your own person, and I can't control what you want to do. Especially if I act like an asshole all the time and drive you away. Especially when I cry and throw a fit when you don't like it. When I beg for things to go back to normal. It's happened time and time again, but I don't get used to it. I don't think I ever really will. It's hardwired into me. I want to stop, I realize what I'm doing is stupid almost immediately after I do so. But it still happens. I still get hurt over the smallest things, and I lash out. I just hope, for a little while longer.... That things can be okay again. It doesn't have to be forever. But just let me get used to it before you leave.

not sad, just thinking out loud

so like, there's definitely something psychologically wrong with me. from a pretty young age, ive had like... super attachment issues? its sort of like separation anxiety, but a little different. i was always at my mother's side, and when i wasn't id get super anxious and freaked out. however, if someone else was there to fill the role, i was usually alright. as i grew older, sleepovers were totally fine, so it's not like i was totally attached. it was just that being alone made me uneasy. i wanna say maybe it has to do with the whole door incident, but.. also maybe not? it's kind of weird since i used to freak about my mother not giving me attention in favor of her boyfriend. obviously i totally understand the notion now but i would be a total mess to this day, i still feel this way, except more towards my boyfriend. i get anxious and irritable if he sleeps out and i usually have a melt down and make him come back. i can't sleep if he's away and i just go into this weird depression if no one else is there to talk to me. i also have kind of a.. hoarder problem? if something has even the slightest bit of meaning to it ill insist on keeping it. again, this reaches back to when i was younger. i firmly remember sleeping with a balloon because i just was fixated on it and really didn't want to let it go. even now i have a bunch of stuffed animals that id never even consider throwing out just because i loved them once. aaaaand in relationships i am PAINFULLY possessive. like i dont wan to hear about them interacting with any other girl but me, and i don't want them going out without me. im jealous and have a super strong grip on what i love. so naturally, all these things have a common vein, but i can't really figure out what the disorder would be. i just... dont wanna be this reliant monster anymore.

if i could be my own bully and beat myself up i totally would im ashamed that i gave in so easily, i feel like an idiot

theanimalmemes

deep-sexts

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same shit, different year

im mostly mad at myself. im not mad at you, although i am for other reasons. its my fault this all went to hell, my fault i ruined the entire thing. i was greedy, i wanted you all to myself. i won you fair and square, why should these other girls still be in the picture? it wasn't fair to me. even now, it still isn't. but thats why im staying away this time. i love you, but you don't feel like i do. it can only go downhill from here. i can only get worse. im sorry for being such a monster. I love you and worry about you endlessly, so please be okay.

this has definitely gotten blown out of proportion tbh you can say you hate me over something minor, sure. that's fine. but i mean?????????? we have been friends for close to 8 years and THIS is what's going to end it?? we were drifting away already but hating me for an opinion is ridiculous

also fuck you for being mad about me fixing my vita. you should have unfriended me sooner if you didn't want to see me sign on. smh

#im still upset about this tho #conflicting feelings

so i lied, and i guess im pretty sorry about it. but how necessary was i? of course every day if flashes through my mind briefly, maybe i should just say sorry? say i made a mistake? i worked hard to get you back, and you know it, but you get pushed aside everytime someone else comes into the picture. but i think you knew. you knew i'd end up distancing myself, and that maybe the sorries wouldnt be totally sincere. at least i hope you do.

despite the circumstances, i still wanna say..

sorry.