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2023_12_23

#create #instrumental #SoundCloud

and i thought i’d grow numb[er] to it

but still i raise weeping eyes

towards a vaulted ceiling [again, again, again]

to give penance

to a god i’d forgotten

left wayside [again, again, again]

and man weighs heavier

post-mortem

disregard the casket

it still takes six to carry him

to rest [again, again, again]

faith takes you so far

and faith takes you so far from it all

#poem

a sigh escapes beneath the eaves—

thoughts in pieces,

little piles —

outside’s fallen leaves

you were good

and i was not

you were good

and i was not

ruminating/reminiscing

in times spent—

feel so much

better if we forgot

and it’s not often but it’s a lot

#poem

sick of memoirs of the million men, billion men, then trillion:

“I have written this biography with the blood of those whose bodies now form the pyramid this dragon’s hoard of gold was built upon.”

Equivalent exchange would dictate that for every gain there is a loss.

For every profit, an expense.

And these books’ jackets won’t tell whose backs this capitalist success was truly built on.

Not at whose expense these profits come.

Not of whose bodies wither with strain as their efforts accumulate value for someone else.

Are we to be but fodder? Fattened sheep sheared bare and then sent out to pasture when our usefulness has waned?

My hourglass sand is falling fast and my pockets are empty.

My pockets are empty.

#short prose

facial hair

and olive tapenade

always the fixing, friendly, giving—

kind

a falsely altruistic smile flashes

but those pearly white can’t hide

the hollow darkness that dwells behind

waiting for the opportune

moment.

#poetry

cuneiform written on

the walls of the cubicle

S - Sierra

A - Alpha

V - Victor

E - Echo

Y - Yahoo

O - Oscar

U - Uniform

R - Romeo

S - Sierra

E - Echo

L - Lima

F - Foxtrot

lukewarm coffee

gripped by unpolished cuticles

humdrum drone of the red secondhand

ticking away the moments until the closing bell rings

lights, fluorescent, flicker

and the monitor pings to remind you you’re not alone

but it’s all monotone gray

but it’s all monotony, gray

#poetry #poem #spilled ink #create

expulsions_23

- july -

and my eyes were bloody yellow

face pressed against the ivory

singing the song of lonesome fellows

drowning in their misery

maybe i was better then

now

better men before me

speak of better when’s than

we see now

maybe i am better than

the better men before me

for the better men implore me

to make this “when” better than before see

i can be a better man

see

i can be a better man

funerals and furnaces

maybe the next step

isn’t as pretty as we once

dreamed it to be

smoke and mirrors precede choking on ash

another loss in the war for self control

clear brown liquor sinks deep, muddy water

abolishing the aims for inner peace

but still this vice grants momentary zen

for the soul

drink until you sleep

to dream of raking hot coals

atop a clay bowl,

to heat the self-harm within

falling victim to old habits again

wrapping wire against the post

to vaporize, and victimize, yet to realize

this is not a beautiful means to fade away

but practiced methodical erosion

;

which recipe is it today

that you’ll imbibe to numb the pain

which chemistry have you chosen

- june -

the flame slides down the wick

unaware the wax puddle it has melted will smother it

burdened boy bent out of shape

become the broken man with no control over his fate

- may -

my father planted trees so that i may rest beneath their boughs

and now for three seasons i can’t see the sun

til winter rots the autumn leaves and barren branches scar my view

how will i measure up to you

who for so long sowed seeds

so that i may reap rewards

who am i to be

what am i to do

allocating every grain of sand

inside my hourglass

creatures of habit

Teddy succumbed to his

and Betty dons hers daily

;

but i’ve been thinking it’s not for me

the rut in the floor from my day-to-day

seems to have already run six foot deep

;

selling pepsi cola on the corner

high on my own supply

but it won’t be the rush that kills me surely

sat waiting for my demise

nor the lack of will to rest at peace

when the sun refuses to rise

and i’m too numb to be ill at ease

;

but while we keep repeating

all the silly same old things

our paths are being drawn in dirt

and while we can stop moving

no one says it will not hurt

;

it all sounds the same i think

as we keep pressing forward

further and further we sink

- april -

following the footfalls and follies of my fathers

years left of youth

not spent

but instead squandered

drowning in my vices,

forgetting only time is priceless

#poem #poetry #spilled ink

favoring flawed vases

cracks lined with gold

in kintsugi

remembering false places

with clean slates and

finding they lack the character

that’s so desired

i want you damaged, broken, marred

scream the masses at the stars

a perfect picture has no value

they want you weathered

with time and grime

they want growth

from past mistakes

they want missteps and faltering

follies and foibles

leave their mouths watering

appetites whetted

the crowd opens wide

ready to devour it all

alongside

regrets we brought to light

#poetry #poem #spilled ink

straggler

late summer-cicada singing

but its lonely song

goes unanswered

and i too have fallen asleep on the train

only to be roused after it hits end of line

the conductor asks if i need a lift back to the city

and i nod my head

until it rolls off my shoulders

and i awake again alone

atop the plastic seat

neck sore from a lack of support

as the intercom intones a station name

one i’m not familiar with

so i sing of home

and my song goes unanswered

#poetry #poem #spilled ink

dump_21

—-

and lately it seems

it’s all out fucking war

and all of my dreams

ain’t worth fighting for

feels like all of my time

still isn’t enough

soy no mejor

—-

8/21

and rest don’t bring relief

sleeps a bittersweet reprieve

___ all my thoughts are running

rampant in my head

and im a victim of the faucet

expelling never ending dread

anxiety is draining me

and i can’t see anything

except for the things that you said

i’m ruminating

spiraling out

ruminating

drowning in doubt

—-

8/21

there’s violence in our nature

it’s peace we had to learn

but my trigger fingers itchy

i’m ready to let these lessons burn

as you reject these huddled masses

the tired and the poor

who in skewed history classes

we taught to know better than to yearn

—-

9/22

broken glass and fresh tomatoes

red hot tongs burn hands after the day’s tornado

winds down and jars shatter

the pots painted orange-red

with wet fruit splatter

and she sniffs

because none of this has been as easy

as it sounded in her head

so i grip the fractured pieces

while she mans the ladle

in the hopes that we can salvage something

but the shards spilled into the purée

couldn’t all be found anyway

—-

10/21

feel like i’ve got a lot to say but really it’s all just rambling

rumination and further repetition

broken vessel setting out on another mission

to massage the message we’re blessed with

into something resembling the truth

and still i can’t stop rambling

—-

10/21

how much of me am i

how much of this is mine

do i live inside your mind

have i managed to breach your manifold

seeped deep my roots and taken hold

or am i just another toe on the line

how much of me am i

when i’ve shared so many pieces

of myself

—-

10/21

darkness blinks

with a white corona

until the light pinholes out

and leaves my vision black

but restless

something pulses in flashes

and i just want to stop cycling

through these things that flash

too fast through my psyche.

—-

11/21

god forbid i feel the fear sleep brings

cause these dreams don’t mean a damn thing

don’t mean a damn thing

eye lids flutter

half in mind

each breath erases

another line

til i’m left empty

a melancholic sigh

—-

12/21

red maple leaves drift slowly down

to make ripples and move the lotus blossoms

that dot the surface of the placid water

—-

1/22

i’m putting on

my second skin

to better face

the elements

—-

#spilled ink #poetry

dump

—-

10/22

stories laid down like chisel strikes

against the marble

and now i’m a masterpiece

that remembers every blow

—-

9/22

rattling pipes and

a midnight cry

mama won’t get no sleep tonight

—-

6/22

rose bush is spilling over the road side

and no one’s there to cut it back

petals are meeting the pavement

spreading red upon the black

—-

3/22

felt too deep for far too long

and now i can’t feel much of anything at all

i’m numb to how youre feeling

become numb to how you’re feeling

the flames fueled by your love

are seen just as gentle warmth

and i’m so numb to all this feeling

—-

2/22

the levee broke

and i awoke

a lonely island outcast

with dreams of smoke

and fires stoked

was i meant to outlast

my fathers hopes

and miles of rope

wound to pull me back

#spilled ink #poetry

https://m.soundcloud.com/esqueisms/sets/table-for-one

there’s a sea of shit to wade through

but surely there are kernels of truth

#SoundCloud #audio #dump #songwriting

listenable recording dump - 2020 / 2021

#esque-isms #audio #dump

6/2/21

poor in feelings

poor in cents

pouring deep

to kill the scent

your porous soul

seeped too intense

into this fabric

of mine

now my pillow reeks

and my sleep don’t speak

like whiskey bourbon

spilled, once neat

our pleasures gone

the treasured dawn

comes to beat

me down again

like winter mornings

with the curtains drawn

i’m on my own

in my own

head again

5/27/21

red skies

a sign of storms ahead

white lies

your words better left un said

be baptized

by the light of the life you led

5/25/21

cause i can’t seem to grow at all

with these two black thumbs i stand

prepare to climb the wall

backs against the ropes and im already anticipating the fall

can’t help but get going

going with the flow

can’t help never knowing

that we can’t know

so we put up no resistance

saddle up a sad existence

is all you’ve have to show

5/17/21

how many conversations can i simulate

before the voices (in my head) stay forever

codeine kicks the fever dream

but i’m not feeling any better

there’s a warm sky that lie

somewhere deep within my bones

and i think i might die

before i ever make it home

5/15/21

want to speak

to the melancholia in you

i want to speak

the darkest flavors of blue

the sleepless mornings

sleepless nights

a begging feeling for a light

i want to speak so i can see

the misery of love atrophied

the bitterest pill of blessed be

a highlight lining what you need

i want to breathe your ragged air

take the sunshine never share

your life is priceless beyond compare

but i want to speak

if only to see

a little darkness underneath

5/8/21

every drop in the bucket makes a ripple

4/16/21

sweet temptation

she calls me by my first name

4/13/21

needing to find the means to monetize our leisure

the way that man is measured

a man’s time is his most precious treasure

3/15/21

feeling like i’m filling time

listless and just killing my mind

actions in apathy speak for my unwillingness to climb

like each and every thing we seek

will eventually be fine

Why i gotta be this way

Been feeling blind to others thoughts of me

Less of a feeling and more a furtive display

taking actions to display my apathy

wondering what the watchmen see

wondering what it really means

is this another depressive episode

another tick tack beat on the metronome

ten missed calls and ya mamma left wondering when you coming home

wondering what’s it like when ya left alone

where’s the means to make amends

where’s the bridge i’ve burnt at both ends

maybe i can just pretend

3/5/21

each of my hours cost me days

3/3/21

the end is still forever and a day away

2/6/21

the melancholy of a forgotten dream

the broken pieces never fit back together it seems

at least not in the way that we mean

1/22/21

and i can curve my spine into an s shape

last week i ate a berry in the woods so i could see

deaths face

and sometimes i think about how we’re all staying in

this place

the same state

somebody shelter some more

the house you built see it gon’

keep you dry and safe from the storm

this sickening shame

slurred words share no blame

keep blending it together til everything

feels the same

it’s all so awfully humbling

when these walls can all come crumbling

down

then we’d be in the

same state

1/16/21

and they said i was the oldest one

born to break the records

fated to steal the sun

oh they said i was the oldest son

picture perfect

memorabilia on the wall

gloria gloria

why can’t i hear ya

as i continue this eternal fall

to slip as easily as me

to fall from grace

effortlessly

who’s to say

now that i’m not the only one

11/15/20

and i been feeling like an echo

11/15/20

and i am just a passing moment

walking through

stranger over yonder

yes that sense of sonder

i feel it too

i am just a passing moment to you

11/13/20

it’s not funny this is a nervous laughter

what comes from the work

follows after

the most recent episodes

of our disaster

this is a nervous laughter

11/10/20

what’s the use

in using

decisions made without our choosing

pinpricks gave us the solution

can’t save us from this ablution.

Said i don’t wanna feel this way

mama i’m only tryna numb the pain

1/28/20

“If you have the ability, then come.”

The sound of leather boots brushing across fallen leaves moves forward.

The clean image of the morning’s light fog is shattered.

One clean cut of the blade slices a falling leaf and the mist around it.

Feet shuffle two steps back as the split leaf flutters to the ground.

A second cut, this time a collision. The crisp clink of two honed edges turned against each other.

A step. A slide. The men dance in the wind kicking up dirt. Two yearning urgently to spill the day’s first blood. To tinge red the rising sun.

The birds have long silenced and the stillness is only broken by the beaten breathing of two who lie on the floor.

Swordsmen and traitor stricken in fighting made little more than stains upon the earth beneath the shade but still ever so far from hearth.

1/22/20

chasing fates flow

1/19/20

a dusting of snow on the shingles

lightens and whitens the roof

while the bird feeders have frozen over

grandma’s in the kitchen

where there’ll be breakfast in a moment

this quiet northern home

stands still for but a second

in the morning

1/2/20

so she said savor every second

cause each moment could be our last

although it’s not forever

we’ll keep pushing past

making sweet memories

that we won’t recall

come morning

making sweet memories

it’s a storm come without warning

it’s something we’ve been searching

for

so ever hard to find

it’s a little less than so much more

if we can bide our time

and savor every second

cause in this moment i swear

i’m dyin

1/2/20

and to all a piece

of the validation machine

we submit

12/12/19

i still feel a filter

a thickness engulfs me

i just wanna connect

but i can’t quite see

something’s been ticking

the wrong way

something been ticking

inside of me

ain’t quite say i’m sick

or dying

but there’s a weakness speaking out

inside of me

said i still feel some static

my attitude crude and dramatic

it’s a poison i’ve been seeking

it’s a poison i’ve been thinking

it’s a poison silly sinking

somewhere deep inside of me

ain’t been nothing more than

platitudes and gratitude

for the people pick me up

from the floor.

2/8/20

Maybe we were meant to toil

Under this blazing sun. Bare backs burned by the blistering heat.

Maybe we were meant to have our hands, till-deep, in the soil.

Sifting seeds between our fingers

searching out the signs of life and

planting them deep within the land.

Maybe we were meant to toil

Not for

this comfort and complacency.

Not for

this sweet space we seek.

Sheltered

from the sun and from the storm.

Maybe we were meant to toil

12/4/19

tonight

i think

i’ll lie awake and

look lovingly

at this

beautiful

vague shape

that’s sleeping next to me

cause i can’t quite

make out

your features

your facets

or your lines

cause the lights gone

and nights come

and i’m just

a little bit blind

but i know

it’s you

that’s sleeping next to me

][

so tonight i

think that i’ll lie

awake and take a

second just to breathe

soak in just a moment of

your lovely vague shape

while you’re sleeping next to me

next to me

11/18/19

deep beneath

the surface

something

screams

purpose is

nothing

but a lie

how ya gonna live your life?

11/12/19

like god's little flies

we are dropping one

by one

11/11/19

last goodbye i’ll offer

youve taken every penny

every copper from my coffers

11/17/19

the most effective way to enact change is to participate in it

10/14/19

Big capital speaks louder than the cry of common man

When the dollar has been made by creating shortcuts

How much is that dollar really worth

08/?/19

your lips are stained blue

from all that you’ve been drinking

and no amount

of blood that they’ve been sinking into you

will be enough to save ya now

09/17/19

handed a glass

half full

they drank it

til it’s dry

said this is the state of the world

and not a single tear’d they cry

09/19/19

and i’m thinking about boats and

a placid lake with murky water choked by reeds

and i’ve been thinking about boats and the sound that thinking’s been making lately

for me

you see when you place one boat one ship on this inland sea see it’s all alright

right

there’s room to move or sail or go forward in any direction

and then you place another ship another boat on those calm waters

and you don’t falter not for one second

you still have space on this peaceful lake

the wind is carrying the breeze and these ships across the ride and

then you place another ship

and another ship

and the wakes these ships create start to intersect and the waters that were peaceful feel a fearful rising tide and

then you place another ship and there’s no room to move and it’s bow to bow and scrapes along the side

but you can’t just take the ships out

where would they go

and now upon your placid lake a laden waste made manifest you start to think

and hope for that wide clear wave to ride a peaceful placid hope to hide within

again

so you start to sink the ships

the boats have aged have weathered and worn their rails have scrapes sails untethered and torn

and they go down beneath the surface and the fresher spawn have room to breathe while asleep and out of sight the old sink deep

still a piece of the lake

but left to apathy

and you have a nice pristine water to weave across with your less populated crest

and then you add another ship

and another ship

until the bottoms ready to give in a mountain made of wreck to ruin this blessed home you’ve learned to stew in

born out of a desire

to be free

but then

when there is no more space

what then

?/?/2019

fresh blades of green burst through

the ivory horizon

foreboding the first false coming

of spring

before the frost snaps and

breaks bare any inch of color

that dare pervade

the pure still space

07/05/2019

placid lucidities

angry and afraid

we fail to see

all that’s been made

in our solemn search

for agency

07/02/2019

dirty jilted sister

left beside the waterfall

whiskey bourbon

turned to mist

to satisfy the masses

mend it all

accomplishments are minced

til satisfaction stalls

and all these things

we’d missed

hang like mirrors on the wall

09/03/2019

for too long we been

looking out instead of in

dancing freely to the

cadence of our sin

08/31/2019

CAUSE THATS NOT HIRING

THEY SAY DO WHAT YOU LOVE

YOULL NEVER WORK A DAY INYOURLIFE

CAUSE THATS NOT HIRING

THEY SAY DO WHAT YOU LOVE

AND YOU JUST MIGHT BE ALRIGHT

BUT THEYRE STILL NOT HIRING

THEY SAY DO WHAT YOU LOVE

DESPITE THE POVERTY LEVELS RISING

CAUSE THATS NOT HIRING

WERE ALL WASTING AWAY WALLOWING IN WEALTH

WHILE THE PEOPLE EXPIRING

BUT THATS STILL NOT HIRING

They say do what you love

and youll never work a day in your life

06/18/19

more like

broken glass

under apathetic feet

05/29/19

There’s a difference

Between Control and Concern

And i’m not quite sure

You’ve learned how to discern

it just yet.

maybe i’ve been saving all my woes

maybe i’ve been holding all these lows

and penning them on paper

storing them for later

so that the highs will feel much higher

set my happiness on fire

so that i can breathe a little lighter

cause even memories expire

even memories expire

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=3Rdm8LItAHs

#Youtube

they said democracy would die in the darkness

but here we see it crumble from within

limestone fires soon be raging

amongst the crowd

amidst the din

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