Cankat

[amprella]

Just can’t seem to fall asleep lately. Even weirder thing, I be managing to sleep around this hour (4-4:30 am-ish) and be waking up at random ass hours like 6:30, 7:50 etc and not able to get back to sleep (this was never a challenge before) until 11 or 12 am, where then I either feel extremely sleepy like a zombie sleepy, or actually fade out on the sofa without trying to sleep.

Psychiatrist I’ve talked to mention that this is sign of Insomnia, which I responded I always had it, just did not have issues sleeping it out after 😅

Maybe it’s just this period of transitions and stressful, life-at-core type of situation I am going through. I will ride it out.

First course of action, getting out of bed to eat some yogurt. This always helped as a kid too, let’s see.

[amprella]

First time in a long ass time (8 years) unemployed starting from today. I know its not a big deal but it also is, kind of. Because now I feel like maybe I don’t want to follow the same career path.

A lot to think about. And also a lot of silver linings along the way. I gotta get back to writing.

[amprella]

Not now, not tomorrow, maybe not even soon, but I know it will eventually be okay.

[amprella]

[amprella]

[amprella]

[amprella]

[amprella]

I also realized I have been discouriging myself a lot. Will put a stop to this as well. I’m not jumping to other extreme to way I can conquer the world; but I can die trying to make my life more livable. And I’m fine if I don’t get it before I die.

I have no regrets in what I’ve done, and no wishes or bucket lists that I yearn for. Being at this much peace, not in a jolly way but in a serene way brings me ease. I try to live every day by waking up to see what the day shows, no short or long term plans, no weekend plans for months, not much dating either, I’m just vibing in my own orbit until I stop breathing, and not saying this was my ideal thought for a life to live but hey; I’m fine with it.

[amprella]

There are things I cannot accept in life, in my personal or professional relationships, work, family, friends or anything else.

The disrespect and injustice, comes into mind first.

The reaction is usually radical, I can tolerate many bullshit but not those two.

I also worked on myself to be less reactive and more open minded to give people slack when its done but even if I can be more forgiving, I just don’t like it and it doesn’t feel like “me” - so I still do not tolerate it.

And life prove to me that it’s better this way. I’ve lost 25+ years friendship, another 10+ year one, many (maybe apart from these two things okay) relationships etc. but eventually the outcome is always the same; I feel lighter, mentally and emotionally when I let these situations behind and move on.

[softchad]

[memesupremo]

[amprella]

Mood lately 🥳

[amprella]

View this post on Instagram

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[amprella]

[philosophybits]

“I think of death only with tranquility, as an end. I refuse to let death hamper life. Death must enter life only to define it.”

— Jean-Paul Sartre, No Exit

[amprella]

Timeless

[amprella]

I broke down when i was telling a friend “I am afraid of myself” - ancitipating how unstable I am feeling right now and about my near future.

Taking a responsibility of another life might not be the best thing to do for me now. But there was this cat, who is actually in need - and under care of a friend who had to leave town. I accepted it as a temporary thing but knowing how I love animals she asked to think if I’d want to keep him.

I do want to have animals in my life for sure, but thinking how shaky I am in my life right now and fearing I might not have the mental strenght at times to take care of another life, made me feel conscious and compassionate about what impact I’d made on that cat’s life. Re-fostering is always an option, my family also can take care of it if I am not in a state to do so, but I always imagined myself having a cat wouldnt come along when I am in need, and in need of a company of support but when I’d want to put a cherry on top of my own happy small circle — not the case, and partially what might make me feel selfish, thinking that I might get a cat for my own personal reasons of being lonely and alone.

But here he is. Consequently not only because I wanted to but also because he needed a place to stay. And we already started bonding from first day, but in my mind I have to tell myself that it is still temporary, so to have a clear mind and not stress of it too.

My mind is a bowl of soup right now.

More to follow later —

[amprella]