An open post to the people who may think I've wrong them: a sort of apology
I'm just sorry really. For the things I'd said that ended up hurtful or for the times I tried to "help" only for it to either gloss over whatever it was you needed or for how it contributed to existing fears, shit I'm sorry for that.
I won't apologize for leaving though, for finally moving past outgrown paradigms: we were stupid teenagers, and by the time we hit our 20s, it should have been obvious discord was a worthless use of our time. Especially after we had things to tend to, bills to pay. I spend a lot of this apologizing for what I did because that's all I can take accountability for: enabling our worst qualities under the guise of help, while ignoring what was being said. But likewise, I can't act like I was responsible for solving anything because to be helped, you yourself are responsible for that alone. I am responsible for me, and you for you: so if there's anything I recognize, it's that all I ever did was gloss over what was being communicated and enabled things. Things only got better once I learned to cope better, to emotionally regulate and take accountability for my faults, and likewise the same is here. No one ever heals by just blaming the world and destroying yourself: you need to either work that through or learn to channel it to move forward. So I'm sorry for never being able to say this face to face: I just know you guys have to work your own demons out like I did myself. But I'm sorry for only making this harder while I was around.
I'm just sorry my help wasn't perfect, sorry I wasn't able to tend to every grievance and every issue. Sorry I promised to hear but couldn't keep that promise, that the biggest mistake I ever made was to promise to bear the weight of anything when I couldn't even carry my own. I didn't have a way of saying things, didn't set boundaries, and I hate that me leaving had to come apart as ugly as it did.
If you think I ever spoke ill and spread rumors, I didn't. And as for the other person who could be reading this, I absolutely spoke up about how it was like to live with you. And I'm sorry, the truth is a lot wasn't ok. I spoke up about that because after how many years of trying to help you, you ended up wishing to harm others, you didn't want to heal and opted to idealize actual harm or harm to yourself. And that's why I spoke up. Outside, it's private, but to the 2 I still talked to, it was known.
I'm not mad at you, but I feel bad for you, I feel bad for the both of you. Not because "you need to heal", but because I know your lives are already hard and are made harder by ruminating. And to think there's the possibility that I'm part of that narrative, that I failed you, or you pushed me and therefore its shame to wear, or that I betrayed you, that's heartbreaking to me. I can't control what you say, but for your sake I hope it isn't some demon you fight every night.
Know that for my shortcomings, I'm sorry I couldn't help and only made existing issues worse. I wish the best for the both of you, but I accept I only enabled the worst. I hope one day you both will find it in you to reclaim your lives, because the hell you both find yourselves in sounds awful.
Hate me as long as you wish, never forgive me if it helps you sleep at night. But for your sake, I hope you guys can learn to live again and to learn to endure. Life can be way worse than discord convos and the memory of hurt feelings, and when heavier shit hits, having that nonsense peppered on top would be shitty.
If there's anything I really care to say, I'm sorry my 7-10 years spent tending was "wasted". I really tried, I wasn't perfect, and it was more neurotic once he died.
I'll always remember this as mentally ill people fueling mental illness, but I'm able to reclaim my happiness. It starts with addressing yourself, learn to develop some emotional regulation skills. You'll be happier off once you learn to endure and stop blaming everyone and your past. It'll sting, but stop reliving it. I'm serious. Maybe go outside, depend on yourself, you'll genuinely be happier once you live for you. Stop smoking weed, get meds if you need them, but read in the mornings. Get sunlight, move around, breathe fresh air. Address your demons and stop looking back, that's what you need to reclaim your life man.
Best wishes, and sorry again. What happened after I parted was rough but not as severe as death, but it is sad all together. No one hates you, even you who lived with me: it's not hate for you, just disappointment at worst. You guys can be free, just work towards it. Your mind is your captor, because outside of it, there's bigger things to address, and ways of tending to them.
Know that I say this because it's all I wish to impart knowing I'll never want to speak face to face again. It's all I'll leave assuming any of you will read this and see this. I just ask for your sake, if either of you harbor regret or resentment that amidst the woe that my best wishes will remain. Because even if I can't invest my time or energy into either of you, I don't hate you. I just regret the parts where I was oblivious, I regret coming back when it should have been done after 2022. I'm sorry for wasting anyone's time there: and I'm sorry I enabled rather than helped.
I'm serious when I say I don't care if I'm the bad guy or monster in anyone's narrative: but fuck man, it'd be upsetting knowing that the memory of me is what keeps anyone up at night. If it's how I worsened your life, reliving it sucks ass. If it's how you "fucked up", that also sucks ass.
I pray that either of you will reclaim your lives from the shit plaguing you. I pray that instead of whatever memory of the wrongs I'd done, the yes manning and what have you, I am something to conquer and vanquish if it propels you forward.
If you hate me, may it bring you strength rather than hold you down: that's all I pray for. Reclaim your lives for your sake: do not be held back by the past. You have lives to live, futures to experience. I'm just one fuck up from times long gone: I wish I was there to helped but I know it's futile. I can't help either of you anymore so I hope either will help themselves. There's so much from then I regret, but I have to just accept I was a kid, and me holding on and trying was just proof of naivety when deep down inside I knew maybe things were stagnant. Know I tried, and know I fucked up even if I didn't intend to.
So I'm sorry again: regardless of who I am to either of you, I wish you guys well still. You guys were my friends once, I wish I left on better terms. But I fucked up, I held on, I was flippant, and this is my lesson.
You guys are more than what you tell yourselves, please be good to yourselves even if you think you don't deserve it sometimes. I know you guys are capable of being free.
