4n4b0n35

21 yo (she/her) CW: 46.1kg LW: 38.0kg ⭐️ACTIVE SEP 24⭐️ MINORS DNI

[anabon3s]

Starting a blog: AUGUST 23

My names Lottie, I’m 20 years old and as in my first post I’m new to tumblr but not 3D!!

(I’ll pin this post)

For tumblr legal purposes

I am not PRO A4A, AGAINST RECOVEY or FAT-PHOBIC!!!!

Read or don’t read, follow or don’t follow, scroll on or don’t scroll on. BUT please don’t report, PLEASE PLEASE!!!! BLOCK me if you don’t like what I feel the need to share. THIS IS WHO I AM and this is my only outlet to people who understand and feel how I feel with no judgment or hesitation to help me feel less alone in this dark and lonely illness.

About me 😊

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I am 20 and relapsing for the 100th time through this bumpy gravel road (not really but it’s been on and off). I first got diagnosed when I was 14 and have had the best ups and downs of my life so far on it. I hate being ana (life is fucked up on this road and really we all know it deep down) but weirdly it is the only comfort I have now… earlier on this year (feb/March it’s unclear even to me) I relapsed into the worst state I’ve been in since I first got diagnosed.

Because I was seeing a GP for an already existing health condition since I was 12yo, I got “caught” pretty early on. Little to my knowledge, not so lucky for me (or lucky, you choose) my GP was “specialised” in 3D’s… ffs 🤦‍♀️

Since my diagnosis (being a minor family got involved against my choices early on). My family have been so hit and miss with holding me accountable, sometimes nothing can slip through the cracks for weeks and others I feel like they just “forgot” , “gave up” or “just don’t give a fuck” for literally months… BUT they hold me accountable to going to my GP appointments REGULARLY no matter what my weight or physical/mental health is like at the time 🙄

STATS:

HEIGHT: 156cm (5.1ft)

SW: 59kg (130lbs)

CW: 40kg (88lbs)

GW: 34kg (75lbs)

I’ve been through the highs and the lows of this illness (physically, weight wise and emotionally) I promise, I understand pretty much all sides and angles of it, most likely I’ve been through them my self :(

This is the long way of saying, I am open to sharing my journey from here, it is a lonely, dark journey a lot of us have not voluntarily taken part of but are stuck in for an unknown chunk of time for our lives!!!

I am always open for messages, chats, rants, questions or friendships! Just shoot the text and I’ll reply :)

[blowmygutsout]

I hate my thighs so fucking much I can't wait to lose fat on them

[anabon3s]

So basically I g@ined a lot during the the first few months of the year cause of forced recovery. But I’m finally starting to lose it slowly!!

Before I chubbed up I felt absolutely symptomless to @n@. Like all dizzy spells, exhaustion and headaches, bad memory, ect… none of it anymore it all went away for me when I was at my lowest we1ght!

This time around I’m feeling it full blown, I’m exhausted and I’ve only l0st 4kg so far 🤦‍♀️ but also it feels easier mentally this time because I’ve done it before. And I like I can feel every bit of it because that’s how I know it’s working!

Anyone else had similar?

[anabon3s]

I’m so scared to w31gh today, I ate so much yesterday 😭

And I’m going crazy, the scale literally won’t drop below 46.0kg 😫 come on it’s too soon for a platue yet.

[anabon3s]

Nothing feels better than getting to the end of a really cold day on a fast. Something about the emptiness in the cold that just feels so good

[anabon3s]

Forced r3cov3ry sucks 😭

I hate my self more now than I did before and I didn’t even think that was possible… I’ve gotta get back down but it’s so hard when doing recovery makes the people I care about happy…

I feel so fat, I literally hate everything about my self

It’s not fair that anyone else in the house can just skip dinner if they aren’t hungry but no not me if I say I’m not hungry I’m still sat with the food regardless

[anabon3s]

This “fake” r3c0v3ry is so freaking hard. Why can’t people just let me do my silly little 3d thing in peace please

[anabon3s]

My partner basically just force fed me for the long weekend (he thinks the whole week but I don’t e@t while he is at work) since the doctor scared him to death about me going to hospital.

Yes it worked I steered clear of the admission but it sent me into full panic mode when the doctor said my obs are no longer in the hospital criteria!! I must have gained at least a kg or two 😢 I haven’t we1ghed yet but I will on Friday as I would have had a week to control my self down again 😮‍💨

I can’t believe how much I’ve e@ten 😭 and I CANT sh!t!!!! Started a l@x last night and will double dose on weekends when I have to e@t more with my partner.

He thinks I’m full committed to rec0v3ry now (not pro this is just me) but I’m so far from that. my brain is just in panic mode, the thoughts won’t stop screaming at me trying to work out how I’m going to make up for each meal or how I can skip the next one.

Hot tip: he’s at work 5 days a week and I send him a photo of “what I’m e@ting” every time I make something with the time in the photo and another when I’m “finished” with a little bit still left in the bowl or plate and the time again. It is annoying cause obviously I’m not actually e@tong it but it’s so believable because I time it right and sometimes just tell him I skipped it cause “it was too hard” or something then he just feels bad for me and says aww it’s all right there’s always tomorrow 🤣🤣🤣

[anabon3s]

Officially at 38.0 kg yesterday, another GW done ✅ I am so proud but shitting my self cause I have a we1gh in and OBS today at the clinic and they were threatening h0spit@l last time I saw them 😫😫

I feel fine, let’s hope that’s enough for them 🤣

🤞🤞🤞🤞🤞🤞🤞🤞🤞🤞🤞🤞🤞🤞🤞🤞🤞🤞🤞🤞🤞🤞🤞🤞🤞🤞

UPDATE:

It didn’t go well 😢😢 I’m going to try stay out for as long as possible but Dr today said he wants to organise an adm1ss10n for in the next 2 weeks…

I don’t think I can do it, I’ve come so far, and I was so happy I hit another GW! But I’m not done, I need to go so much further, I’m still f@t, I’m not done I’m not happy with my self yet.

How do I stay out? I’ve considered running away? But I think c0ps would get involved then… not my best bet I live in a small place. And thatd probably end me in grippy sock jail rather than regular ward… harder to run away from there too.

If my partner wasn’t coming to all of my appointments now, I’d be able to lie my way out of it, I’m sure of it! But he comes to my next 3 and now he knows this there’s no convincing him not to come. And that’s not me I’d feel so guilty for the lies.

WHAT DO I DO?!?!?!?!?!

[anabon3s]

Fun games like is it heart burn or is it heart failure keep my mind busy sometimes…

[anabon3s]

Basically I wrote this post in my notes because my tumblr wouldn’t let me post yesterday arvo…

I’m in somewhat forced rec0very at the moment and part of that being I started meds to help with rec0very. I started taking fluoxetine and I’m loving it 5 days in, not a single little bit of appetite has risen since I took it! But I’m feeling more and more dazed and headachey and a little sick sometimes over the week.

I am kinda pretending to do rec0very atm, I pray to all the gods that this happy pill doesn’t “fix me”, but it’s doing me justice so far.

FYI:with w33d, half a beer and a empty stomach on these meds I feel great tonight 🤣

That was at 6pm

By 8pm it was a mess, ended on the phone to some nice but totally useless old guy at life line who had no idea what my circumstances are. I had one of the biggest mental breakdowns I’ve had in a while, all over dinner. It lasted until 11.30 pm… guys I cried so much I’ve got burst blood vessels in my eyes.

To top it off I woke up feeling horrible and sweaty after a bad dream then felt so sick and couldn’t keep anything down for 7 hours this morning, it was fucked

Just goes to show how quick we let f00d affect our mood and how we control our selves, I felt like I had no control, I’m a little embarrassed today thinking back on it now I’m calm 🤣 I’m not my self anymore.

[anabon3s]

Never been much of a work out girlie before but this new year I want to shape my self and tone up whilst sl1mm1ng down. I’m going well with WL since Christmas and I don’t want to jinx it by making things too hard

so at this point I’m just going to do a short 20-30 min cardio or high intensity work out after I’m home from my morning walks but only every second day for this week and maybe next week because it’s the start of the year and I want to stay on track.

2 out of 3 done for this week ✅ and it’s honestly motivating… I wish I was stronger and fitter to push through and do longer harder work outs but I just don’t have that kind of energy or fitness atm, maybe in a few weeks/months it’ll build up over time. But for now I’m feeling good about it 🥰

[anabon3s]

Here’s to a new year!! 🥳

Boo to this downer of 23…

I’m going to be dropping this year and I’m going to stay hidden about it so I don’t end up admitted against my will.

[anabon3s]

So I met with a psychiatrist yesterday and he sent the report to me as well when he sent it to my dr and therapist.

Tbh idk how to feel about reading about my self in that way… like I liked how sick he made me sound but it doesn’t feel like that to me I don’t feel sick enough and it kinda scares me what if I literally have lost my mind 🤣🤯

[anabon3s]

Ok so idk who else is like this. But food at Christmas doesn’t fuck me up it’s the drinking… I can’t help my self but drink like 1000 c@ls once someone whips out the booze at party gatherings! 4/4 dinners and lunches (last one is tonight) drinking is involved 😫

[anabon3s]

Pray for me first Christmas lunch starts in half an hour!!! 😞 it’s with my partners side of the family and I haven’t met a lot of them. I’m so nervous they are going to judge me for being sick with my Ed and I’m not working atm because of it so I don’t want them to think I’m a loser living off their grandson/nephew… 😫

So many thoughts running through my head. I just hope it goes well and they just like me but also that I go as undetected as possible you know what I mean

[anabon3s]

I am finally 39.0kg!! Just in time for Christmas 😊 I haven’t been able to post for days but I logged out and back in and it fixed it! Keep going lovelies you can do it too 💕