FAILURE IS THE NEW SUCCESS A Riveting Exploration of Self Determination
“January 20, 2015
First day of Suzuki, the sophomore slaughter has officially begun, and I’m so fuckin’ excited. Joni says that our bodies are stronger than we think—we give up too easily. Our bodies are POWERFUL; they can endure more than we give them credit for. This training will be about fighting the exhaustion, pushing through the fatigue, and learning what happens when you don’t give up!”
I am starting to find a relaxation in the text that allows the text to come forward without PLAYING the text by trusting the words: giving over to the power. The body and the text are becoming cohesive. The changes break habitual patterns of speech, the forming of phrases. The application of this work is visceral and available to all mediums of my work as an artist and as an actor.”
The air is a void where time is unparalleled and circumstances remain ambiguous. The galaxies are thrown together is a collision that enables the ability of imagery amongst artists who dare to venture. With planets of moving water, rushing and roaring, and fire as hot as the sun, the movement is both times paralyzing and liberating. An aesthetic sense of muscularity is lost and the impending problems of the world we call earth become extinct. The process of soaring throughout the universes makes the four binding walls of Studio N125 melt away. In one shuddering pulse of vibration, my body was stuck between the words and my body became a gateway of an uncontrolled maelstrom of activity. Quick glimpses of life through my eyes show brief reminders of my guardian angels back home who will take my hand and pull me back to reality when the time comes. Reach for me. Reach for me. Let me free. Reach for me. But thank you, you let me free.
I sat on the floor, back supported against the curtains, and held out a white plastic mask in front of me, examining it’s features with the utmost gentility and respect. I felt the curvatures of its form, watched the reflection of light against its skin, and turned the mask around as I braced myself for a unique experience of discovery and exploration. With eyes closed, I felt my muscles support the mask as I breathed through the openings where my nose met the mask’s nose. I took one final cleansing breath as I opened my eyes and was suspended into a new world, a room familiar and yet new. In an instant, I was frightened. An overwhelming sensation of what I, Billy Saunders, know to be chlorine hit me almost to a point of shock and for the briefest moment, I was concerned that the mask and I would not blend. That momentary fear, powered by a sense of uncertainty, disappeared and with another cleansing breath, I embraced the unknown. The sensory exploration of nothing was expansive; horizons were captivating and empty spaces were buzzing with energy. New discoveries of familiar objects allowed for unique exploration because I was losing the restricting need for intellectual control. I had found a kingdom come.
Jacques Copeau, in a pursuit of simplicity to eliminate distractions, searched to create a Tabula Rosa for the theatre, in both actor and space. “I want the stage to be naked,” he declared, “in order that every delicacy may appear, in order that every fault may stand out,” (Movement for the Actor). It was Lecoq who adapted this idea and created a training style known as masque neutre, or neutral mask, which was used to find an appropriate and economical use of the body. By using a mask, the actor is opened up to everything around him and has the freedom to receive everything in a state of discovery that can best be described as a “freshness of beginnings” or a “rebirthing” which allows the actor to rid himself/herself of any and all deeply ingrained superficial habits (The Moving Body). In the series of exercises throughout the neutral mask progression, I have become aware of held energies in specific parts of my body that restrict me from being the most available and economical self I can be.
Via the Negative - October 7, 2014
Annmarie has been teaching via the negative and it’s equal parts frustrating and enlightening. “Follow through with the beats.” “Don’t hold your arms and shoulders, you’re creating unwanted tension.” “Too slow, you look scary.” “Too fast, you look angry.” I’m trying too hard, seeking too much, having too many opinions. However, by teaching via the negative, I have been allowed the freedom to push my imagination and test the limits of my patience, a theme that has been apparent throughout this semester. I must remember to do only what is required of the task at hand and respond in a purely sensory way. Sleep. Wake up. These actions seem simple. They are actions I am familiar with. Every day over the past 365 days in the past 19 years of my life, I fall asleep and I wake up. Alas, I must rid my body of any held energies that create stories. Today, instead of sleeping, I got hit by a train. When my body awoke, my right hand stayed asleep. It is a different sensation than rolling over and awaking groggily from a nap. It is a thrust of energy that propels your body into an awakened state. Follow through, clarify the beats, and find the purification of neutrality.”
Neutral Activity withholds nothing; it is an energized condition like the suspended moment preceding the impulse to speak or the moment before a sprinter takes off for a marathon. Similarly, in the work of the Alexander Technique, the state of “divine neutral” seeks a self that is well-balanced, flexible, and adaptive in an effort to become a clear channel for ideas to be expressed (Movement for the Actor). Fixed tension energies must be released to create a harmonious interaction of mind/body to enable interactions that aren’t distorted by habitual faculty response patterns. In a blend of Alexander Technique with Neutral Mask training, both that seek similar qualities from the actor, clarified ways in which my body was both enabling and restricting me. It also allowed me to observe the ways in which my classmates sought this neutral state of being throughout the exercises.
Look Right, Center, Left, Center – October 30, 2014
Do only what is required of the task at hand. Complete each action. Clarify each beat. Do not tell a story. Do not perform. Walk to the chair. Turn center. Walk around the chair. Sit. Look right, center, left, center. Stand. Walk behind the chair. Turn. Walk off.
I learned an exceptional amount of information about the state of neutrality from watching my classmates and learned from more than what I experienced myself. My eye is slowly becoming accustomed to realizing what is and what is not neutral.
[Classmate] walks with feet turned out which creates a sway, almost like a swagger.
[Classmate] walks with head tilted upwards towards the ceiling and has a majestic glide and I imagine that I am watching a Greek Tragedy. [Classmate] is standing in full height, has long legs, and has a presence that is simple, yet captivating.
Specifically, I need to pay full attention to my arms, shoulder, and chest. Everywhere I go, take note of the held energies. Don’t confuse strength with strain. If relaxed, the upper torso becomes more available, more receptive, and more giving. The hold creates distance between myself and my partner, the audience, the world, etc. which informs a repetitive note that I receive of “being too angry.” This mistaken conception of strength in the upper region of my body is creating a negative energy that is perceived as hostile or aggressive. In the held tension, there is a space between the arms and ribs which affects the entire shaping of my body, including my clavicle, my shoulders, my chest, my neck, etc. Be aware of this habitual holding and send focus to these areas if attention is needed.
The Neutral Mask doesn’t only strive as a tool for the actor to reach an energy quality that is economical; it also allows the actor to open up a world of discovery in a way that he/she has the ability and desire to re-explore the same objects in various ways just as an actor relives the same scene every night with a sense of doing it for the first time. It’s innovative, it’s raw, it’s impulsive, and it’s purely sensory. We use the word “rebirth” to describe these experiences because the actor is stepping onto the same stage with the same circumstances, same partners, same props, and same costumes as he/she has done for the past two months and must be as engaged in the discovery of what happens as he/she was on the first night of rehearsal. In the Neutral Mask’s exploration of objects what temperatures are found? What sounds? Smells? Are there any cause and effects? Do you drop out? It is a unique discovery process that tests an individual’s ability to stay engaged and unearth new findings. My experiences with Neutral Mask have been exquisitely insightful and am thrilled to walk away with a greater appreciation for the simplicity of things.
There is a vitality, a life force, an energy, a quickening that is translated through you into action, and because there is only one of you in all of time, this expression is unique. And if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium and it will be lost. The world will not have it. It is not your business to determine how good it is nor how valuable nor how it compares with other expressions. It is your business to keep it yours clearly and directly, to keep the channel open. You do not even have to believe in yourself or your work. You have to keep yourself open and aware to the urges that motivate you. Keep the channel open. … No artist is pleased. [There is] no satisfaction whatever at any time. There is only a queer divine dissatisfaction, a blessed unrest that keeps us marching and makes us more alive than the others.
Fascinated by those small moments of knowledge that are unveiled to you in unexpected moments of time that seem to validate your personal path and professional journey in life.
Today I found out that my Text Analysis Professor, John Pike, graduated in '89 from The Yale School of Drama alongside Lynn Nottage who is the playwright of "Ruined" which was one of the most influential plays I have ever seen and has had an incredibly strong impact on my decision to become a professional actor.
This discovery is now filed next to the lengthy, yet unfinished discussion I had with Kevin Gray in my audition about Sanford Meisner and his technique.
Little things go a long way and I don't know if I've said this before, but I am still in awe that I am a student in this programl. I am lucky
Day Two and I couldn't be more invigorated, more challenged, more terrified, more engaged, and more alive. This school, this training, and this program is one of the most well-calculated, most-expressive, insanely-challenging, tremendously-nurtuting, and ridiculously talented environments I have ever been in and I do not know how I got so incredibly lucky.
I have already been so inspired in such a short amount of time that I am in awe of my life. I am making a vow to use this blog as a progressive journal through one of the hardest, most emotionally-stunning, intense and rewarding years in this program and in my life.
"We are the keepers of language; there is no getting it right, there is only getting it alive."
"Sometimes it felt like horror, but that is the beauty of learning."
"The mask has no future, it has no past; it is only present."
"An actor who is comfortable in stillness and activity, who commits to both, and who moves easily from one state to the other, is an actor who commands the stage"
I spent the past couple hours rereading and analyzing "Before It Hits Home" by Cheryl West because I'm doing monologue work in Acting tomorrow with David. It's always neat to see reoccurring symbols throughout the play, but most are fairly obvious. There is this neat reoccurring symbol in West's play about family and leaving on a train. It's brought up in the first scene when Angel mentions the train as a cycle of life/death brought amongst "the family" of people diagnosed with AIDS. Halfway through the story, there is a scene that takes place in Wendal's head of him traveling on a train to visit his father's family. An overlapping of thoughts occur as we see insight to this father/son relationship. This cycle is completed at the end of the play when we see Wendal on his deathbed with the vision of Angel from the beginning and he is murmuring that he is going to board the train, all the while his father is pleading that he don't give up.
But what I really love are the less obvious things the playwright includes that the typical audience member wouldn't pick up on. In one quick exchange of conversation, Wendal says that he is a scorpio. Knowing that my personal astronomical sign, pisces, has been pretty accurate in its personality descriptions of me, I decided to look up what represents a Scorpio.
"determination, passion, and motivation"
It's so clever because Wendal is either fighting with or is in accordance with what I found a scorpio to be. Astrology.com pointed out that scorpios have "ultimate control over their destiny." This is the one thing that Wendal is fighting for and is in fact, brought up many times within the script. He struggles so hard to juggle his life, but is determined to make his own fate. However (if we are carrying on with this theory) West makes a point of how fatal AIDS can be because he becomes so worn down by his disease that in the end, he ends up telling his father "I try not to want things anymore, 'specially things I have no control over." He comes to this conclusion after his argument with his mother and it shows his complete loss of hope or faith.
The element for scorpios is water and the phrase in describing this element is that "still waters run deep." Scorpios are emotional as their waterborne brethren, but have a hard time expressing it and this is seen in Wendal in both his scenes with Simone and his mother. In the scene where Simone leaves him, she comes to the realization after he goes to great extents of not saying what he needs to and she responds with, "the real message always comes through when the words are moved out of the way."
So yeah, I was just going off on a hunch to see if Wendal was anything like a scorpio is described and he is. I just like those little things. Keeps the world very alive, very honest.
My class told me I'm flick/dab and I am so okay with it.
I like the way that Annmarie introduced each effort action in pairs. Float is to glide; press is to ring; flick is to dab; punch is to slash.
I also find the theory that Emily mentioned at the end of class very interesting. Each of the pairs are segments of one another. They follow the same patterns and their major difference is whether or not the action is direct or indirect. Annmarie has asked us to visualize and observe people in the world to see if we can notice their natural habit in reference to these effort actions, but as Emily said, you can't place any one person in to just one category - they have to be at least a pair; If one person swifts lightly through free space they are either gliding or floating depending on their intention and intention is constantly changing within a person as obstacles become apparent.
Eve's comparison of Slash and Punch was killer. We talked about the difference of grief and sorrow in Voice and Speech -- how sorrow tends to represent a longing, living place of sadness that is cultivated inside and one learns to deal with where grief is sudden, heavy, and uncontrollable (sorrow seems to live in the chest resonator and grief lives in our dan tien) -- and this same observation applies to slash and punch. Punch is a bound anger that turns violent and is full of tension, where slash is a more vulnerable and uncontrollable anger in the sense that one seems to be on the brink of tears.
triggers, more triggers, and more triggers; oh my!
emotion stirs up a desire or need which manifests the objective that leads to an action; and from here a story begins with intent, inner monologue, obstacles, circumstance, tactics, etc etc
Your target is the person you need something from or are doing something to.
