An Apt Spirit

[anaptspirit]

Translation of The Lord’s Prayer done by me.

The creator of the universe who among us with the sky 

purify and renew thy thoughts of you

your ruling royal power and dignity show itself, come be established

your desire for our pleasure and will come into existence and be made upon/over earth/soil and in the universe

Supply/furnish us this day the bread of our necessity 

Let go/bid going away our offense/moral wrongs

We will let go of those who morally wronged us

Bring us into not lest among a trial, experiment, a proving but rescue/deliver us of a separation of labor's, annoyances, a bad nature or condition

Since Thine is strength, power, ability, the moon, sun, stars, dignity, grace, majesty. 

[anaptspirit]

The End Of the Victim

On this day. I am actively deciding not to play the victim. Let it be known that a year ago from this day I made a choice to change my life. Little did I know the choice that I made would lead me here. A new beginning. A phoenix. 

I have played the victim for a year. I have relived all of my choices, his choices, the past, the present, the anger, the rage, the hurt, the grief, all of it. I have sat in it, marinated in it, eaten it again and again and again and again. And now I am saying NO MORE. I am getting up. I am walking out. 

Here’s to new beginnings. 

[anaptspirit]

Confusion is nothing new

[anaptspirit]

Last Thoughts

My feelings about so many things seems to have this layer of opposition surrounding them. Its like I feel something in my soul but my mind constantly contradicts those feelings and not in a good way. I am stuck in this whirlpool of thoughts. 

Spinning and Spinning/ confusion is nothing new/ when will I rise up?

My Ex

Fucking asshole. He has recently defamed my daughter’s character and questioned her creditability. 

I have a headache that has lingered for a few days now. Dehydration and stress. I am sure that I am going to have a heart attack or worse stroke if I don’t take care of myself. I have to start exercising. 

E2M helps me stay in an easy routine. Sugar detox is going to be the worst. 

My mind is all over the place. My still husband soon to be ex already has a new girlfriend. And has since March. I moved out in February. I wonder how she can be such an idiot. And then I remember I fell for his charming, sweet personality too. I can almost remember to the day, when he changed. 

I want to stop thinking about him and start thinking about me. 

What do I want?

[anaptspirit]

Why?

He called again. I answered my phone. Today, he told me I had Borderline Personality Disorder, this after he told me that his doctor recommended he went to a therapist and upped his antidepressant. 

Why do I answer my phone? Why do I think he is going to be different? Why am I not learning from the past? Why do I continue to let him break me. What a fucking asshole.

[anaptspirit]

Working my way through some stuff.

I had a moment of clarity. A brief thought that illuminated where I was wrong in my thinking, and then it was gone. It was like a whisper of perspicuity was there and then gone. Just like that. A faint memory. It left as quickly as it came. 

My actions, my steps, my movements for the past several years have been based on an altered reality that my mind made up. Something happens, someone says something and I think that I should be this way and that is how I behave. I think I am trying to control something. Some sort of outcome.  I base many of my decisions on how I think I should be. In reality, sometimes, most of the time, those thoughts cause me to alter my behavior. But, I did not want to behave that way. I think I thought I was being nice, accommodating, generous, giving, but I was not being any of those things. I was not being true to myself. And, I was collecting a heap of bitterness. Each time my effort went unnoticed, unappreciated, taken for granted I was angry. How could they be so selfish...don’t they know that I have given up part of what I want for them. 

I am thankful for the moment of clarity. For the brief yet whole understanding. 

Now what. 

[anaptspirit]

My son asked me to create a mandala to honor Shivamon. Here is the result.

[anaptspirit]

Meditation and ADHD

1, 2, 3 Let’s do this Day 3. 

Start from 100 and count backwards

Look up with your eyes closed

whoa, that feels weird, where is up why can’t I keep looking up

Don’t open your eyes 

Oh yea, I am supposed to be counting

100, 99, 98, 97

okay this is going well.. look up

96, 95, that feels so weird to look up

94, 93, look up

that’s a weird blue hand, why am i thinking about blue hands, I wonder if I will go to L.A. my cat is attacking my foot, if you move your foot she will pounce....don’t open eyes

96, 95, oh wait I already did these numbers

95, 94, 93 look up, wow that really feels weird 

94, 93, 92, 91, yeah I made it to the end of the 90s today 

89, 88 How long have i been here I really need this exercise, my mind is all over the place

92, oh wait, 88, 87,86, 85 doing good I hope my friend is okay. That really is some sad news she told me, i need water, 87, 86, 85, look up

why does that feel so weird?

[anaptspirit]

What the actual Fuck?

My husband and I are going through a divorce. 

He calls me almost daily. This morning I asked him why he calls me all the time. He said he wanted me to know that he is thinking about me. 

I asked him if he and his girlfriend had a nice time last night. He said they did. 

I asked him if she knows that he calls me calls me all the time. He said, “Forget it.” and hung up. 

[anaptspirit]

Who am I?

No one reads these so I am going to use this as a brain dump. A place where I can dump all of my thoughts. Develop my writing style. Get some crap out on paper and move on with my uncertain life. I don’t even know where to begin. I might be funny. I can be really funny. I don’t have timing under control. My thoughts are not linear and don’t make sense. I don’t know how to make sense of the world. It doesn’t really make sense. It’s strange and beautiful, and I sit in it confused most of the time. A little princess on her own planet with strange animals and thoughts that swirl around whisky and whispering. Alone, and yet I am not the only person that inhabits my planet. Who am I? That is why I am here. Who am I? I don’t even know. I am 46. Recently separated, a mom, a teacher. I am white.  I am straight, realizing that sexuality is a spectrum. I think that is my word of the year - Spectrum. I am beginning to think I am on the spectrum. I am blaming my social awkwardness on my self diagnosed spectrum-ness. It's a fun game I play with myself. I think of all the things that are wrong with me and then I try to come up with reasons I am that way. Super reflective. I don’t even know if it’s how I should be. If it's the right way to be. I don’t know where I think this right way comes from or who comes up with the right way. I am rediscovering myself, confused. Always on the edge of a breakdown, alway crying, always hopeful, perpetually grateful....I am glad to be here hoping that its the beginning of something magical. 

[anaptspirit]

EGO

A stirring within.

As loud as the full lit moon.

Whispers to my mind.

[anaptspirit]

My mother will be 87 this week. She loves rabbits. I drew her this picture.I hope she likes it. 

 I find drawing helps keep my mind in the present. I love to create by building, adding, subtracting, leaning in...I find the process enjoyable most of the time...until it isn’t. Such is life. Ebb and flow. 

[anaptspirit]

A New Decade: A New Me

Recently, I have been practicing quieting my egocentric mind. I found her.  I am learning how to recognize her and tame her. I have been practicing this since August of 2019. I actively recognize her about twice a day. I have been able to turn her off when her fear makes me angry, sad, lonely, jealous, or afraid. She is cunning; that crafty little survivor. However, she interferes with my ability to enjoy the now. 

In this new decade my intention is to live presently. And to learn more about my small, still, quiet self. The self that my egocentric mind has been protecting all of these years. I want to know her better. 

This blog is a way for me to track my progress. It is for me. However, if you find that the Universe led you here, please feel free to walk beside me and we will encourage each other along the way.