Filled with so much Love

I'm Amanda and I just write from my heart's experience as honestly as I can

[anchored-and-drowning]

The Shapes of my Heart

What forms and shapes make up my heart

I suppose I’ll never know

as I cannot just crack my ribs open

for the the sake of taking a peek. But if I could..

One shaped like my lover’s eyes

a dark brown bruise of devotion and love, I could only dream of returning.

One shaped like my lost one

his whole body pressed on mine

promising me a life I never could’ve fit into

But long for in the night like I would’ve. Anyway.

One shaped like the hands of grandparents hands pressed to my temples

fingerprints from a touch so soft you’d need a magnifying glass to see their shape.

One hole for my mom. No not one but many small holes. Carved by her tears for who she would’ve been without me

and all those who couldn’t carry her.

And the last, a gap for my father

a shape so ragged a rough, the sight of it drops me to my knees

as if he stuck his fingers in and shredded it up just for fun. For the fucking hell of it. Just to keep passing on his traumas. The purest expression of spite.

so it begs the question

What’s left for me of this bruised, crushed, torn apart organ I store in my chest?

who will patch and sew her up, if not me

me and me alone. Always alone.

[anchored-and-drowning]

I feel you deep in my chest, Not so much a burning but a ripping A tearing As I let it go on and on And beg you not to let go

[anchored-and-drowning]

Object permanence (n.)

The idea that love persists even when they are not with you

That love doesn’t need to be looking at you or touching you for it to be true

It’s still there, my darling, even when you close your eyes

[anchored-and-drowning]

“You pushed and shoved my spirit and my very soul out of my body just to stuff it to the brim with your own. Another empty wake for you to occupy.

And you call that love?

How could you do that.

And how could I not stop you.”

-VI 3/21/22

[anchored-and-drowning]

It’s been three years since you said you wanted to be with me forever. so where have you been since then?

SR why am I still thinking about you

[wnq-writers]

Dreaming is for the great. Everyone else is replaying anxiety filled pasts or trying to predict their future and driving themselves insane. If you find yourself dreaming, please run with it. It means you know there’s a loop hole or pipes that may lead you right there, and you just gotta keep dreaming it up, darling baby.

awinterkissx | mami lessons.

[anchored-and-drowning]

Isn't it just absolutely insane that you will always always have your soul. All those times you felt your heart ripping in your chest, all the tears diluting the shower water, and all your broken parts shattering on the floor. All the lowest lows, you still had your soul. And you're here now. So wasn't that all you needed?

06/16/2020

[anchored-and-drowning]

I just want a light hearted kind of love. The kind of love that fills your heart with laughs and sweet sweet sugar. No judgment. No expectations. Just a crazy~fall into your arms~ type of running and jumping sticky sweet kind of love.

4/27/2020

[anchored-and-drowning]

‘I like the way everything feels alright with you.’ As I read these 9 simple words, hands clutching at my chest, I could feel my heart melt like a candle. Dripping down down down. Seeping further into the bedsheets with every breath.

how do I stop falling for you 

6/11/2020

[virginbylorde2025]

losing people is so interesting bc like. no i don't want to speak to you ever again. yes i think about you on your birthday.

[anchored-and-drowning]

“Dear N, I know your dad wasn’t around to teach you the word ‘no’. But fuck. you.

Dear C, All I can say is thank you. Thank you for making me feel wanted. However short but oh so syrupy sweet. Dear K, It’s been four years and I still haven’t clung to someone like I did to you the day we said goodbye. Dear R, We never quite made it but I know the next girl crushed your soul. And god did that feel good. Dear S, Who knew that love and sex could be so opposite. Surely not me.

Dear K,

Did you have to hit me over the head with a bottle? Did you really really have to? Dear K, We really didn’t have to get coffee the next morning. Trust me.   Dear D, For someone who looks like that, I really don’t know how we went so wrong. Dear A, If only narcissism could stand in for love, like a cigarette to a meal. Maybe we would’ve made it out alive.

Dear K,

Oh K. My sweet sweet baby. If only you had a brain cell more.

Dear A,

I see you learned the ol’ take a girl to the train tracks at night trick. And oh god did I learn to fall for it.

Dear V

The wisdom you hold in the very fibers of your magnificent being has so much potential to teach the world. Just not me.

Dear T

FUCK. fuck. This is it huh. The day I stop editing this poem. We’ll see my love, we sure will see huh

well.. we did see..

Dear R,

Did I really need presents on Valentines Day? Is that what casual means to you?

Dear A,

12 inches still wasn't long enough to get us through our high.

Dear M,

Fuck you, give me back my Juneshine.

Dear I,

A whirlwind of love and mixed up promises and sex in your friend's bed. At least we liked to call it love huh.

Dear S,

Will you ever loosen your grip on me? Not just asking, but begging on my knees. I'll repent to you in every lifetime, at the door of your van in any parking lot in this damn city.

Dear D,

I'm so sorry I really am. I should've chose you, and it'll haunt me in this life and the next. Your comfort and kindness stick with me you know.

Dear B,

Oh if only love was enough. If I ever wanted anything to be enough, it would be love. Never have I ever been loved like that, and I'll miss you forever kincsem, but we both know it couldn't last.

Dear C,

Mi amor, let it last. Please god I'm begging, let this last let this last let this last.

”

--to all the boys I melted for 

04/06/2020

[lovelustquotes]

“You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should’ve behaved better.”

— Annie Lamott

[anchored-and-drowning]

We’re all just chasing a good feeling. Really. Just think about it. Why do you want to fall in love? A good feeling. Why do you want to help others? To chase a good feeling. That’s all it is. So when you ask if I’m in love with you? I can say I’m just after a good feeling. And it won’t be a lie.

2/21/2020

[anchored-and-drowning]

The other day she said to me ‘sometimes I just feel like a gas station’ and I laughed at the statement before she explained ‘people stop by to get what they need, whether it’s sex, laughter, or someone to suffocate the loneliness, until they’re full again and the last thing you ever see is them driving away’ and now I’m wondering if a gas station is all I’ll ever be

02/02/2020

[anchored-and-drowning]

[anchored-and-drowning]

“With tears in my eyes, I finally told you about the wretched ghosts of people that live in the darkest corners of my mind, and pollute the space in my head. The look in your eyes reassured me more than my mothers sweet whisper or my dads devoted grumblings ever have. Pity be damned, the love in your eyes breathes life into my aching bones every day you choose to exist with me. And when my world comes crashing down in a mess of tears and misplaced feelings, with or without you, the love you give me will reach out and say, 'come here, be still, and just be ok.'”

-SR @anchored-and-drowning

[anchored-and-drowning]

The first time that you screamed at me was the first time that infinite echoes of apologies couldn't bridge the widening gap between our hearts. In the same bed, yet further away than the planets. It was one of those turning points, the intangible kind. A screaming warning siren to one person, yet completely invisible to the other.

SR, where have you gone