I'm 21 years of age and I live in Cornwall which I've grown to appreciate over the years. I have no idea what to do with my life, i do know i want to live a life that doesnt revolve around work and unimportant things like that. Definitely 'work to live' ethos - lifes too short. In the meantime I am happiest when baking, eating and watching live music, no better way to spend your money in my opinion. I love walks on our lovely moors, baking and music. Particularly love films. Love the work that goes into them, love the way the music is so carefully paired, and I love the way that all this falseness and all this make believe, suddenly, for a couple of hours or so, takes you to this brand new dimension. For those few hours you could be anybody, and you can escape everything, and the fact that films are capable of doing that I think is amazing. I love how the power of the actors and directors alone make you feel so connected, so involved with the characters, that you laugh, you cry and you walk out relating this fictional lie to your own life.
Who am i to start imagining a relationship with another man. This man is nice wants marriage and a family. He is apparently interested in me. Nearly 10 years my senior. I would love to be treated nicely. But how can you give up years of time for a risk. What about the other man I've had feelings for for 9 years. There will always be that wondering. I don't find this man sexy, should I? Does he just want anyone to marry? I want someone to love and want to marry me for love. Not necessity.
And leave. Every person I like or let myself my real self come out for leaves. I don't want to be lonely anymore. I don't want the guy I commit myself, my time with, to tell me he doesn't want to spend time with me. The guy I fell in love with. The guy I cry next to in bed while he tells me my faults and laughs at my person. The guy who I know, once adored me. Who once sacrificed time to meet with. I don't want to be told that were only together because of loneliness. Even if it's true. I dont want to then have sex with him. Because then it really does mean it doesn't mean anything, doesn't it. Next year my only goal is to end this 3 years of ups and mainly downs. I loved this boy so much that I ruined it all. I did things wrong and pushed him to hating me. I guess I thought I could convince him to look and act the way he did before he saw a different side to me. The side I hate for trying to keep myself safe. But what we had then, will always just be a memory now. We can't go back. And it'll always be what it is now, because of who we see eachother as. I have to move on next year, because even though I loved him, I never saw a future after a couple months. And I think that is key.
I want to kill myself. I ruin everything. Can't help myself. Why bother anymore. Mays well curl up and die. No money no nothing anymore. What's the point in life. Had looked forward to this day on do long only for me to go fuck it up. Like I fuck everything up. God I'm sure people wish I wasn't in their lives. Infact I know they do. I need to get away. I wish more than anything to just go to sleep tonight and never wake up again, never.
Yeats, I get you. I'm already finding myself being jealous of the 'youth' of today. I wish I had my time all over again, even just to do only a few things differently.
The annoying thing about all of this is that sometimes I look in the mirror and think there's nothing wrong with you, I actually like myself, for a moment or two.
Seriously have no fucking idea of where I'm going In life, none. I know where I want to be right now. But after, nope. See no achievable way of getting there. Feel like I mays well euthanise myself, or better still give my organs to people who need them so they can live their lives. Look at me. What am I actually doing. 4 years have passed. Everyone's finished uni getting good jobs getting engaged having babies and I'm still here. No further forward. It's like I'm in a busy crowd not moving, not getting anywhere. I can see no end, no future, no improvement. Until I'm homeless as my dad no longer wants to live with me. My only desire is to get away, to travel and experience new things. But money holds me down. Trapped. Here. Launceston. Isolated. In my own company. Anxiety is the biggest bitch. Confidence is nowhere to be seen. Depression strikes. Help me. I want to kill myself. But font have the courage. Too weak to even do that. What's happened to me and my life.
It's like as if there are three different characters inside my brain all dictating to me. At one time one character always will play lead. But just as my own persona starts to agree and go about putting thoughts into action the other two snipe in and give me every reason under the sun on why that's wrong and I shouldn't do it. This is a pivotal reason as to why I am stuck here, in my hometown of 6 years residency, at 2.00am with a tear rolling annoyingly slow down the side of my face. One of the other characters wants me to pick up and leave. It doesn't mind or care where it how much money u have just wants me to hop on a train or plane and leave for a new start. I like this character. I like its sense of adventure and almost careless reckless abandon. The number two character wants me to give myself a good slap round the face and get off my arse in order to find a career to make my name in. I like this one too. The first and most heard and bulshy of the lot wants me to get a job, but not just any old job a job that sounds good and has noone I may know working in the sane establishment, and continue living at home in my now completely isolated life. I do not like this character. Not one bit. This character tells me I can't even think of applying for a job if I know someone in the establishment, they tell me I can't do a lot of things. They tell me not to go out unless absolutely necessary or unless I absolutely know I won't see anyone I know. They tell me I can't go in the town or a shop unless given the 'all clear' that I won't see anyone i know or have to speak to anyone I don't want to. They count down the hours of each day with me, making the past 9 months absolutely fly by. They tell me to 'just hold on' so I might find something better. To tell you the truth I'm not sure what kind of better this character is looking for. I don't think they know themselves. A lot of great opportunities have been thrown into my path but this character has been absolutely adamant that my calling is still yet to come. I'm not sure this character realises that time is running out. I'm no spring chicken. I wish characters 1 and 2 could make themselves more heard. Character 3 makes me sad, in every way possible.
Right now I have a chance at achieving a dream of mine. You know when just before you go to sleep you think about all the things you'd completely love in life but yet feel they are literally 'just a dream' thoughts and non achievable - well I have a chance of achieving mine, for once on my life. I entered a competition not giving it a second thought that anything will happen with it - overall the years I've learnt to just expect the worse. But this time, the worst is to be beaten out of sight as my application has been uploaded. I am also the only applicant by the looks of it so far. This giving me more hope of a chance of winning but also glumness in the thought that perhaps the competition that has been giving me hope every day for the part two months may be withdrawn due to not enough applicants. If your reading this then please please help give me a chance of achieving a dream I thought never achievable and potentially turning my life around forever. Please please if you have a minute could you click on the uk Le cordon Bleu 2013 scholarship award page click on my video and click the vote button. You certainly don't have to watch the whole video (it's a little cringey) but it would be great if you could vote for it. THANK YOU. (:
Gold fronted gingerbread house I made for a Christmas decoration. Gingerbread craving is being fed with rice cakes and crackers instead. #dontreallycutit
Does the world expect you to just be born knowing what you want to do in life? I’m one of the minority who has absolutely no idea, well, that’s not strictly true; I have plenty of ideas; things I think I could do, however when I come round to trying to explore those options then they are usually unexplorable. Homelessness is something I feel strongly about getting involved in. Living in Cornwall we disgustingly only have one 24 hour shelter and one night shelter. Two shelters to cover Cornwalls entire homeless population. With winter round the corner this really makes me sad. What about the chap who can’t afford to take a bus to get help at a shelter. What does he do? I could be that person one day - I doubt anyone ever expected to get into such a sad situation. I wanted to volunteer and help out at the closest shelter [Shelter in Plymouth] but it seems nowadays it’s all paper applications and endless amounts of waiting. Why can’t I just jump in and lend some time, like people used to; help in anyway physically possible. My choices given on the website are either in the charity shop or office. Why can’t I give a friendly smile on the frontline? A cup of tea some warm clothes anything. I was greatly disappointed in this tonight. But then, I am left mostly disappointed in general when it comes to volunteering. It would simply take too much time for me to explore all my career interests by volunteering in the modern world dominated by rules, regulations and pen pushing.
I was younger nothing mattered. You’d live each day without a single worry on your mind. I look back now to when I was ten years old competing in my first horse show. I remember it as if it was yesterday. But it’s not, it was 11 years ago now. Honestly, the days must have flown by, probably because as I mentioned earlier I didn’t have a care in the world, and secondly maybe it was because I simply enjoyed my life. I can’t even believe that it’s been so long. I guess it’s because when your young you hurry along the year anticipating Christmas gifts and other present orientated celebrations. Now every month and every year is just a chip, chipping away. It really grates on me. 11 years later I’m lying here writing this in an emotional state after watching ‘The man without a face’ by Mel Gibson. I had only planned to watch enough to get me to sleep, but 2 & a half hours later I’m here. I really unexpectedly loved this film. Maybe it was because I felt connected with both it's main characters. An adult who is lonely, isolated & untrusting and a troubled child who’s history affects his day to day life. It could also be the mixed overall plot of the film. It’s unexpected twists and turns. I really connected with this film emotionally. I started off hating the little ‘brat’ with no respect but grinned away as he grew as a person along the way. It was the ending that did it for me though. The way the ill treated gentlemen was turfed out of the place he - after seven years - had only just began to call home. Also the very end ceremony. Whether or not the gentleman did show to the boys ceremony will remain a mystery. But we all have that person in the back of our mind that comes out when we really want or need them too and I personally think this was the case. My final more emotional thoughts were of the transition of the boy to a man. The proud faces. I thought to myself at that moment; I wonder what my parents dreamed for me as a child. What they dreamed I would grow up and be. The fact I have never made them proud. And the fact as I write this I am nothing to anybody or anything. My life is meaningless. I have no path in life and I have failed them. I just feel so guilty that they are no doubt embarrassed to have me as a daughter. (Excuse the grammatical errors and incorrect sentences beginning with and. Emotion has me by the throat.)
My blackberry delice - not up to par with mr James Martin but proud of self for tackling personal nemesis. Not scared of any of the other desserts in the book (: [James Martin Desserts] quick note to anyone who may also have a go: less is more I.e glaze & sponge. As per usual I didn’t stick to recipe completely & would have looked so much better if I had done.
