True stories

I have no idea why these things happen. Here is my adventure for you

[anderthesia]

Teach the truth

Being beautiful and having sex appeal are two different things.

Modern media would have you believe you cannot be beautiful or happy without high mainstream sex appeal.

[anderthesia]

Chill friend

The problem with being the chill friend when you're a melinnial. We aren't valued anymore. The drama friend who demands attention and has the most and the best is valued. Ya know that friend you have who you can say anything to and they have your back? That you go to for honesty and they'll tell you what's up no matter if you like or not. You might be this person for your friend group or you might be going "that sounds like so n so".

The problem with being the chill friend is being cancelled on. Being ditched and having your events dodged because "so n so will understand". The chill friend stops being worth the effort. I'm not talking about being the passive push over. Because the chill friend has likely hit you up about always never being there for them. So you made vows to do better and then avoided them for several months or the friendship dissolved altogether from that point.

Do you really give a shit about how your chill friend feels? Or do you give them those comments that basically say "you'll figure it out" whenever they bring up themselves.

Speaking as the chill friend I have given up. I've spent years on shitty romantic relationships. Thankfully each got shorter as I got wiser. I am officially not going to loiter in the chill friend space for anyone who bails on me anymore.

Cheers to future friendships with less shitty people who actually show up!

[anderthesia]

Pessimist vs optimists on child rearing

I've decided that those who ruin the concept of parenting with negativity are the people who are weakest. They lack resilience. They lack ambition and motivation. So where it was difficult for them to muster what it took to achieve anything pre children is now impossible to accomplish menial things with children. So their perspective remains eternally tarnished.

Optimists on the subject are more realistic. I have found those prepared to be excited about someone else having kids and sharing in that experience are the ones that had the characteristics that allowed them to thrive along side their children, albeit at a slower pace then pre child them.

This is regardless of two parent one parent, race, socio economic status, gender etc. Etc.

[anderthesia]

All the ways

I dont know,

How is that, my family

I

I'm over flowing with bliss but

Why do we chase the people who dont want us

All the ways

[anderthesia]

Just let me have this

Since becoming pregnant, as much as I got oohs and ahhs I've had pessimessitic, psuedo realist comments about how my life will change and I will suffer at the will of my child.

Am I not allowed to enjoy this?

Am I not allowed to go "aww feel him kick!?" Without being shot down with "its cute now but wait until they're kicking you in the bed and you cant sleep". Buzzkill fuck off with your miserable shit LET ME HAVE THIS.

Just yesterday I'm drinking a coffee and I get hit with "enjoy that because once babys here you'll never have a hot coffee again" uhm kewl? What do you want me to say to that? Oh gosh thank you! I never would have coped without the knowledge that I'm "unlikely" to enjoy things just so post partum.

Seriously just let me have this. Just let me relish it. Just let me find out for myself.

[anderthesia]

"Rants in the dark" by Emily Writes

I got gifted this book today and it's already struck a few chords. Including that I'm pretty sure we share the same brain.

On page 22 she talks about wanting to give up but not. Theres the sentence "To your baby you're home and the nicest, snuggliest home there is".

Story time: My mother passed when I was 3. Since then whenever the question on a form comes up "home town" or someone asks "where are you from" LAYERS and YEARS of internal philosophy unfold on this.

Being part New Zealans Maori (I would consider myself full but being pale skinned this is frowned on a lot) heritage and family are very important. whakawhanaungatanga (fuck-a-fa-known-a-tongue-a) is the proper term.

So where I come from is a big question for me. I never been able to answer. Yes I lived in that town but that's not home. Yes I grew up here..mostly..but its not home. This book has answered this question. The fibres of my brain mashed a part by trauma have stitched back together with a lovely crispy sound.

My mother was my first home. She always will be the most homiest home I ever had. The cliche home is where the heart is. In my 26 years I'm yet to find a love as unconditional.

I cannot confidently say where I come from because my home has gone.

[anderthesia]

Grieve for the living

How do you grieve for the living? 

Death has always been a constant in my life, and with the dead die all the unresolved issues I had with them. Death is so finite that I just have to accept I wont ever “fix” these issues. So how do I manifest that same inner peace spawning acceptance with the living?

[anderthesia]

I’ve got my back

At some point you’ve got to stop putting time and energy into the people who bring nothing to your life. 

At this time, and at this point I have to stop putting time and energy into the people who bring nothing to my life.

[anderthesia]

I’m returning your birthday present

If I can find the fucking receipt. 

I detest people who play for both teams simultaneously. The low of the low. I am returning your birthday present if I can find that fucking receipt because your behaviour is fucking shameful.

This is a woman who once complained to me (when I was 14 and didn’t know a dick from a dildo) and cried saying she just wanted us to get along and be close and me fit in with the family yadayada. Who now rejects every effort I make it seems. As an adult now I can actually attest to the value of family and understand what they were trying to achieve. It wasn’t too late in my eyes.

Now I see though that I simply don’t fit their picture, so that’s fine, I’ll erase where they fit into mine and fill in those gaps with people who have better colours. 

[anderthesia]

Stem hoe

Get your shit together stem hoe.

Driving along this morning, on my way back from picking up new glasses (ironic in this instance) I saw a 2-3 year old boy playing to the side of the road. A main road, constant traffic. Not a mother in sight. 

I thought about stopping. I drove on. I got about 500m up the road until I thought “If I see that kid on the news I’ll never let that go” so I spun round and parked up next to him. I called out to him from about 3m away “hey little man wheres home?” He started walking away from me. The closer I got the faster he went. Until he vanished behind a fence and watched me through, then continued to toddle toward the house while I chased him.

No one outside the house, house pretty closed up. I’m starting to worry that I’m gonna find a dead body. He goes in the front door, I call out and knock “hello?” knock knock knock THANK GOD someone came down the hall. 

“Did you know your son was out on the road?”  “Was he? Oh Jack naughty boy” she says and smiles at him. Bro your 2 year old was in danger and you smile? Your yellow bottle bleach hair, raggidy ass clothes and drawn in face don’t seem to understand what I actually said. Your severely older man friend who crawled out the room behind you seemed to understand. He didn’t give two fucks if your son died.

10min later, on my way in the other direction I see you walking down the road. Your son is walking along behind you a few meters not able to keep up. He’s a young child woman get your damn act together! Nah sucked that dick, got your bowl. Fucking hell. If your on hard drugs reader get help. 

[anderthesia]

[anderthesia]

[anderthesia]

Checked my bank account 3 times today. Its still empty and 5 days til payday. Ill probs check again soon

[anderthesia]

Through my childhood I experienced a lot of trauma, especially through loss which got heavily reinforced in my teenage years. I’m not left with uncontrolled insecurity so when I really love or appreciate someone, that adoration gets squashed by fear of being hurt. 

A couple days ago my boyfriend used my pet name he had given me on someone else, the original founder of the name if you like. Now, if I were secure this would be fine. Its like trying to say your the only person on the planet who can be called an egg. This literally kept me up last night, FML. And me in my weakness, I succumbed to the insecurity and went on a FB stalk. And this person is of course beautiful, well off, well connected. All the things my previous rants show that I am not. 

Sometime I wonder why I blog about my whinges. But it does help. While I’ve typed that out I’ve noticed that it wasn’t the use of the name it was how he said it that hurt me and sparked the insecurity. The inadequacies that live in me saw that moment and decided to speak up at volumes deafening. 

DECISION MADE I’ll tell him about it later. FML conflict makes my stomach turn. 

[anderthesia]

Me: Wow Im so tired. Its late ill go to bed. Brain: do you remember that horrible time you felt all that shame and made bad choices? Here it is!!!!

[anderthesia]

They’re fat and they love it. Why can’t I?

Yesterday I read an article about a girl who wanted to be a model. She gained 25kg to be a size 14 to become a plus size model and honest to who her body looks like mine, only shes got  spray tan and style. Why does she get body confidence and I don’t? Why does my mind tell me that if I stay this size I’ll never be loved by anyone enough for them to want a family with me, career success or adoration of anyone. 

Iv often thought its all about finding someone who loves you for you. And I have, and he does, thing is I think he is so super wonderful and all his exs are skinnier than me that in my head I think some wonder woman is gonna walk by any minute and steal him away unless I drop 15kg. FUCK. 

[anderthesia]

Why I hate myself today

My inner self hate today is all based around money and being fat. 

I moved house, yet again. And this place is more expensive. I was so despo to get out of my last place that I literally paid the 2 weeks notice rent and then decided to move into this place so soon that I needed to pay a week here plus the 2 weeks bond. ALL OF THE MONEY LATER I wake up to an email this morning that says “Over drawn”. Thanks Apple for picking the worst day ever to decide to bill me for Netflix.

Having no money makes me more insecure than anything. It leads to all my basic bitch first world problems. Namely now, that I want a real coffee on the way to work BUT I know I cant afford one BUT my loyalty card has enough points on it for a free one BUT I’m scared it wont work so probably will just avoid it altogether because.........

Todays other issue.. After a stunning weight loss of 17kg in 2016, I have managed to pack on 8kg since August 2017. When I basically gave up on life. So now nothings fitting right, Im forever hungry and never wanting to eat because Im stuck in the mindset the lower the calories the faster you’ll lose weight. HATE HATE HATE I hate myself for poor money choices in the last month and I hate myself for being lazy! 

Now I know in my head that I can lose that weight again, the same way I did before. Hit the gym, build muscle and make better food choices without starving... to do that I need money.... money I don’t have... Bring on pay day. Oh and FYI I have been working out at home, that’s almost all cardio so, yeah some effort but bollocks effects. I swear all its done is make me want to eat more.