[everythingbagels]

I just read this super sad post about this girl who’s asexual and married and everyone is basically telling her that she doesn’t deserve her husband/she’s just a prude/she should just do it anyway. So I want to tell you all right now that if people tell you this, or if they tell you you’ll never have a relationship, it is BULLSHIT. My husband is asexual and I’m not. He’s sex repulsed, we don’t have sex, we never have. And it doesn’t matter to me. You know what does? He does. His mental health and wellbeing matter to me. Because he is my best friend and he’s one of the smartest, kindest, funniest people I’ve ever met. And he’s had people tel him that he’s broken and it makes me SO ANGRY because they are WRONG. Being different doesnt mean you’re broken. If you don’t like sex/don’t want it/etc. Do not let anyone tell you that you’re inferior because you’re not. Do not let anyone convice you that you’ll never have a relationship because they’re wrong(if you want one). You are not broken, and it will be okay.

[onyxjuniper]

This made me feel really good. Remember this, for all my ace spectrum friends out there

[auditorycheesecakes]

#it’s really reassuring to hear from the partner #the one who’s not ace #but is totally cool with having no sex #loves her husband anyway #is in a stable and happy relationship #it’s such a relief when you discover that asexuality is a thing #that you’re okay #but then you start to wonder if it means your only chance at not ending up alone is finding someone else who’s also ace #but no #turns out it’s not #that’s really good to hear #so #thanks #so ace #so space

I hope you don’t mind me reblogging your tags but these are my feelings EXACTLY

I’m always a little nervous that I’m not “good enough” for a “real relationship” because sex isn’t on the table. So yeah, these stories are reassuring

[intj-confessions]

The amount of pressure from society to have sex is incredible. We’re told it’s linked to relationship health and if you’re not willing to do every damn thing you’re labeled a prude. It’s incredibly disheartening, especially considering how one’s libido can change over the years even if you’re not ace. Nice to see a supportive piece from a partner.

[andgracewillleadushome]

{Sarai} my husband and I both enjoy sex, but only rarely. In fact, we both agreed that feeling like we had to was putting more pressure on our relationship, and we are now open, intimate, and more physical in our relationship. I was asexual and aromantic and then I had feelings die him for the first time and it was weird and confusing... then we had to be having all this sex and we weren't and it gave me body issues and stress and what if I'm just really shit at it... But we will have sex again, or we won't, but removing the "pressure"of sex has let us enjoy our physical attraction to each other again, making out, snuggling, just being together, and we were losing that.

I am definitely more asexual than anything else and my husband hasn't really thought about it and blames his age and pressure to perform...

Look, there's no right way to do marriage. I'm just trying to be the best wife specific to my husband. And he's trying to do the same for me. No sex is working so well for us and honestly, I like the making out, the touching and kissing, but it's enough for me. I have zero desire to get my proverbial rocks off, and neither does he.

You're not alone. And I'm always happy to talk about it.

[andgracewillleadushome]

Sarai - Married to the Job

I love Mark a lot, and one of the things I love about him so much is how committed he is to things; how responsible he feels for his commitments.

Which is why he really struggles to take time off work. Getting away for a holiday? Not going to happen most of the time. Even taking his RDO off every month… he just doesn’t do it.

So every year Accounting and HR sit him down and say “You need to get rid of your annual leave. Your accrued annual leave is a liability and you need to get it down to 20 days before March next year.”

And because Mark “can’t” take time off because he’s so busy with his and others’ projects, and he can’t just take time off because of his responsibilities, he usually chooses to take one day a week off for a couple of months. So for two and a half - three months of every year we have three day weekends and I LOVE IT. More, in some ways than if he took a chunk of time off.

Weekends can be stressful - cleaning, laundry, taking time for himself… doesn’t always leave time for me to spend really quality non-distracted time together. But three day weekends usually involve outings to a winery or a walk together or a lunch date in the park with take away.

I’m so excited! September, November, and December (he’s commissioning in October is working Fridays to keep up) of three day weekends!  

[bajo-el-mar-blog]

Reading about abusive men and the way they think. Very unsettling and an incredible book so far. Here are my very professional notes.

[imnotreallyherecheckagainlater]

what book is this?

[tehbewilderness]

This is from “Why Does He DO That” by Lundy Bancroft.

[chemicalheart-deactivated202009]

I’m so glad I’m seeing more and more Lundy Bancroft quotes on my dash because this book CHANGES THE LIVES OF ABUSE VICTIMS. The programs run for rehabilitating abusive men through the courts? Bancroft DESIGNED THEM. His programs are replicated ALL OVER THE WORLD. He literally wrote THE book on abuser rehabilitation.

[queen-mayhem]

Here’s a link to a pdf copy. If you haven’t read this book yet, read this book.

[appropriately-inappropriate]

Can we talk about how it seems like the entirety of the book is online on PDF, this making it accessible to anyone with an internet connection?

That is how we stop abuse.

We enable everyone to know what it looks like, so that when it happens, they can shut it down.

[bhuttu]

Arm yourself with knowledge!

[birkenth0t]

Changed my life, would recommend.

[lilbittydragon-deactivated20241]

I am reblogging about this book YET AGAIN because this book is THAT IMPORTANT. Read it, you will not regret it.

[andgracewillleadushome]

Hey All, I know this book isn't "Christian" and I admit to not having read it.

But things like this... it's really important to think about in your relationships. 

(Sarai)

[andgracewillleadushome]

So I have a problem. I think my partner is cheating on me. I don't know. I mean, my friends say he isn't cheating and it's not cheating if it's not physical but I still feel really... I don't know. Am I paranoid? I found out he's texting his ex and he's acting really weird and keeping secrets from me. I want to check his phone but is it invading his privacy? How can I be sure otherwise? I love him and don't want to leave him but I need to know and I don't know what to do. Help, I guess?

Sarai: Your relationship is not merely physical. It is emotional, spiritual, social, intellectual, AND physical. So because your relationship is a multifaceted thing, cheating can be a multifaceted thing too. If he's going somewhere else for his emotional needs that is a form of cheating. And if he's sexting someone else that is also cheating. 

Secondly: TALK TO HIM. If he's not talking to you ask him why. Tell him your suspicions. Tell him how you feel. This is a team sport, this relationship thing. It's not tennis - him vs you. It's more like... you're the last two people left in dodgeball and everyone else is around the outside pelting you with balls. That was a weird analogy, but you get the point. Say you want to look at his phone. If he's got nothing to hide, he'll probably just show you. He might be hurt you don't trust him, but if you explain why you're feeling that way and the things that have caused it, then he might be more understanding. 

Thirdly: It is my belief that relationships are built on THREE key things. LOVE, TRUST and RESPECT. If you don't have them, work on them. If you've worked on them (and you, because this does come from you too. People can actually change and make mistakes and reform but if you can't let it go then you need to let them go) and you still don't have them, say goodbye. 

Jeska: Oh, anon. I wish you knew how badly I cringed when I read this. I'm sorry. :( Just to agree with Sarai -- it most definitely is cheating even if no physical act was committed. I mean, Jesus himself said lust starts in the head and in the heart. Him texting his ex is a little shady. I'm not one of those warriors that goes on a tirade about how there should be a brick wall between you and every ex you've had ever. I think that's relative to each person and each former relationship. But that being said, I'm not a big fan of it happening if it's a "new" thing. I know people that have broken up and very honestly just had a friendship still and it carried into their new relationships (For each of them) without any issue or cause for alarm. So it can be done. But it's not something that should just start up mid-relationship with someone else...that's odd.

To quote Moulin Rouge, "without trust, there can be no love." I wouldn't just snoop without permission. But I would definitely follow Sarai's advice and talk it out with him. If my husband ever asked to see my phone, I would show it to him no problem. Innocent people don't have to cover their tracks. I could maybe be hurt and offended, but I'd still hand over my phone, you know? Either way, I'd want to make sure that we addressed whatever concerns he had because I love him and I want to make sure that we have a healthy relationship -- I'd expect the same from anyone that wanted to continue growing closer together.

Have a good, long talk. Explain your fears and see what kind of reassurance you can work through and what areas of your relationship need a little more help. If it seems no solution can be reached and there isn't any improving or moving forward, you might have to end things. Good luck.

[andgracewillleadushome]

Quick clarification regarding our last ask on wedding debt. [Jeska]

Hey ya'll!

Just poppin' in for a quick note to say that I want to clarify something from our last post. Weddings are temporary, yes, but I didn't mean to make it sound like they should be treated as trivial celebrations. The memories you make there will last you forever and it's important to remember that. I didn't want to make it sound like you shouldn't have a wedding or that weddings are worthless -- many apologies if that's how it came across.

What I meant was to try and find ways that you can get the important things you want, DIY somethings and not feel the pressure or need to spend extravagant amounts to get the pinterest-perfect look you're going for.

Please spend money! Haha. If I had the resources, I would have thrown the biggest wedding ever! But the point is, we didn't. And going into debt wasn't going to really help anything because the things we were "supposed to" spend money on according to all the wedding planning guides I read just seemed so silly!

The average cost of a wedding in the United States is something like $27,000. And I'm pretty sure that's not including the honeymoon which is a whole other bucket of money. I'll try and give you a quick breakdown of our costs as best as I can remember:

Invitations were something like $300-$500.... I made them myself (thanks to a half-degree in graphic design) and my mom's friend has a printing business so she gave us a good deal.

My dress was on sale for like $600. I bought it online from the UK without trying it on. hello risk! But it turned out amazing.

Josh's suit we got at JC Penney for like $90 total. I wanted to make sure that our groomsmen could find something affordable and re-wearable because our friends were just as broke as us. Life of a twenty-something. :)

My ring was something like $800 and I don't have a wedding band -- yet. His ring was $65. Thank you JC Penney again. :)

Venue was I think $3500 -- our most expensive. But it was all inclusive. It had the meadow for the ceremony, the "barn" (not a barn) for the reception and rain back up AND a huge house that was able to accommodate most of our family and interested wedding party on air mattresses as well as providing the pool/hot tub for our reception. It was a little crammed, but it was nice to know that I could help everyone save money on not having to get a hotel as our venue was two hours away.

Food ... I can't fully remember final cost. BUT our grocery store here (Hy-Vee) has a deal where if you get bakery/catering/floral all through them, they'll give you like a 25% discount. So we did. Fried chicken, mashed potatoes, some vegetable haha, mini cheesecakes and in lieu of a normal cake we had a tier of amazing donuts! Lemonade to drink. Wonderful bouquets for all of us. I think that was like $1500. It came out to being just around $6.75/person which is AWESOME.

Photography was my other big money thing. I can't deal with bad photos -- it's a pet peeve. $2500 got us dual rights (meaning I can print whatever whenever), a huge chunk of edited photos, engagement session, two photographers for however long we wanted...a few other things I can't remember. But it was great.

And then groomsmen gifts we got silk-screened ties at $20/piece from cyberoptix on etsy and the girls got cute floral robes which I hear everyone still wears. (also from etsy but I can't remember where. also like $20/person.) I was insistent on getting something they would like, reuse and was in the budget.

We kept decorations pretty minimal: mason jars with candles, twinkle lights and my mom had good deals on some muslin fabric for some runners on the table.

oh and officiant was like $200 + lodging (old friend, so I wanted to make sure he was paid well)

and our musician friend I think we also gave $200 to.

I'm pretty sure that's everything. I had small clementines on the table for people to eat or have as favors... they threw bird seed at us as we walked back down the aisle (FYI -- BIRD SEE HURTS haha. A LOT. AND IT TAKES FOREVER TO GET OUT OF YOUR HAIR.) Nature provided most of the beauty except for a quick pvc style frame with drapes my mom made which looked great. I have no idea what that all adds up to, but I assure you it's around $10,000. Do you see what I mean? Even after scrimping and removing things and doing the "plan B" version of my original ideas (realistically, plan G) AND DIYing what we could, it STILL ended up high in cost.

So that's why I'm saying debt is a bad idea. There are definitely things I'd re-do and change and as much as I loved my wedding and got a million and a half compliments and was told it was the 'best ever' -- I still feel like we spent too much.

What would I have done if my parents hadn't covered most of the cost? Probably a SUPER simple backyard wedding. And you know what? Those are the ones I fawn over on the blogs. I love the intimacy they create. But I know that's not for everyone. So, back on my original point, things are important at weddings and although the day is over quick, the memories do last a life time so try and get the kind of wedding that would make you happy. But don't lose your head in the cost -- it's easy to do . :)

love love,

Jeska.

[andgracewillleadushome]

Hello! My boyfriend and I just got engaged (hurray!) and we are planning our wedding for this upcoming Spring. However, unless we have a courthouse style wedding, it doesn't look like we would actually be able to afford even a ~small~ wedding without requiring us to get into debt. He has a little saved up and I have a credit card I could use, but I'm hesitant to get into debt over a wedding. Can you advise? A lot of people do it so I'm having a hard time figuring out what's right. Thank you!

Sarai: Hi there! First off: Congratulations! We've written a couple of posts on being engaged recently you might want to have a sticky beak at - this is an exciting time, but one that can be a little stressful too. So take it easy and enjoy it. 

Okay, first off, the wedding is just one day of the rest of your life. It's important because it's a promise day and you stand in front of your family and loved ones and you get to wear a stunning dress and have great photos. But it really is one day. That you will probably not remember unless you get it videoed. In the same way I don't believe it's worth spending your life savings on, I don't believe it's worth going into debt over. For a couple of reasons, but here are the two main ones:

Reason One: Starting off married life is stressful enough without adding debt (especially extra debt) into the mix.

Reason Two: It ends up costing more than it should because even if you stick to your budget you are still going to accrue interest on those cards. 

My advice is keep it simple. You obviously have a time frame you want to get married in, and I'm not going to argue with that. But have a backyard wedding or a courthouse wedding. Have a potluck reception or a byo bbq. And in five or ten years, have a fancy anniversary party when you can afford it, hire a photographer, cater meals, buy the most stunning dress (in a colour that actually suits you haha). 

Jeska: Yay for you! Marriage is one of the most fun things, if not the absolute most, that I've ever done. Thankfully, since you sound like you are leaning towards thinking debt is a bad idea, I'm gonna say something here that is gonna be blunt that I'm sure people will disagree with me on but still: weddings aren't worth it. Now, worth "what", is up to you. I saw a woman post on a forum how her wedding was up to $48,000 and she still wasn't done. To each his own on personal taste, but you have GOT to be kidding me. I think we did our wedding for around $10,000 which still qualifies as CHEAP and that drove me insane. I'm far too practical for weddings and too many stupid things cost way too much money. But here's also the other thing, it's gonna be over in ten seconds. Sure, you don't think it will, but it will. From the second you open your eyes on that big day to the time when you finally say goodbye to your last guest, you're going to be asking how the hell did it get over so quickly.

So if you want my very honest opinion, GOING INTO DEBT FOR YOUR WEDDING IS THE BIGGEST MISTAKE EVER.

I mean, if you want to dip into your credit card for like something under $500... I guess I can't really argue with that too much since we probably did something around that figure. I realize not everyone was as lucky as me to have parents that wanted to chip in. But, I promise you, either push it back and save up, or don't stress yourself out over things like center pieces and favors and fancy schmancy invitations and programs.

Can I tell you a pet peeve about invitations and programs? People spend a LOT of money on them. And you know what your guests will do with them after five seconds? Throw them away. You're literally paying for garbage. And all those favors you think people need or want, whether it's a shot glass, temporary tattoos with your name/wedding date or any other piece of awkwardly personalized kitsch, I assure you, no one would miss it.

Now, saying all of that, I want you to have the most magical of weddings and have it be beautiful and wonderful and to your taste. I really do, even though I sound grumpy about it all. DIY whatever you can, ask friends to fill in the gaps with their skills and determine what's the most important thing to you for your wedding. Mine was our photographer. She did an amazing job and cost us like $2500-$3000... I can't remember. That was the one area I couldn't scale back. Everything else...disposable plates and silverware, no favors, cheap catering from a grocery store (that we got a LOT of compliments on, thank you) baby's breath bouquets... etc. If it wasn't something we were keeping or something that would last more than a day, I didn't want to spend money on it.

So can you see what I mean? Weddings are great and they're super fun! But they're SO temporary. You know what isn't? Your marriage. We all know it to be true: the highest source of conflict in a marriage is money. You do not, I repeat, DO NOT want to still be paying off your wedding three years from now and let's not forget interest which means you're paying even more than original cost.

Pinterest and the internet and blogs have deluded us into making weddings another area where we feel like we have to measure up to everyone else and it's just not true. What's important is celebrating the day that you and your fiance commit yourselves to each other for forever, surrounded by family and friends that came for exactly that -- not the fancy food, not the fancy reception, not the fancy decorations. Backyard weddings are some of my most favorite things because they're so intimate and so full of love. So, please. Please. I'm honestly telling you it's so not worth it. Make a wedding that reflects the 'real you' everyone knows and loves. I know you'll have a fantastic wedding regardless of location and expense, so I hope you'll share it with us when the time comes.

[andgracewillleadushome]

Sarai ~ The Saga of Mark and Sarai

This is a question I get a lot and I never know how to answer it because : "we were friends, then started dating, then got married, and it was the best decision sequence I ever made" doesn't seem quite accurate. But here's how we went from friends to married... and this was meant to be an abbreviated version... :/. But y'all asked. 

I strongly advocate that people are friends first before they start dating. I think it builds a really important foundation. But the Mark and Sarai story is a bit of a saga. We were introduced by my best friend (and guy I refer to as my brother) Dave, who was best friends with Mark at church at the beginning of 2006. I hadn't made any real friends at the church so Dave decided to introduce me to his 'circle'. I walked over and I forget what they were discussing but someone was wrong and I corrected him... to which Mark replied 'You're a woman, who asked for your opinion?'. Yep, sparks were flying. I love a good argument. And Dave, Mark and I formed this little trio of sci-fi loving, pizza eating Christians.

Fast forward to October 2009 and things are getting a bit awkward for Mark and I. He has a girlfriend in another country but he's acting a bit like I'm his local girlfriend. Getting jealous when I do stuff without him or when I talk up another guy-friend. We have this incredibly awkward encounter in which I am ranting at him and say 'You're acting like I'm your girlfriend and I'm not, and sometimes I wish I were and it's just stupid' and stormed off. Yeah, I didn't realise I was feeling that way and I was still pretty sure I wanted to be single. We talked about it and (for the second time) I was like, look, I'm sorry I said that, let's just be friends and get some better boundaries and there is no way we will ever date (famous last words). 

Christmas 2009 and I'm in New Zealand visiting family and his girlfriend... when he decides to break up with her (awkward). Just before I left, Mark and I had this huge fight where he said he didn't want to hang out with me anymore and I was just like grow up, basically, because he was being ridiculous. Just before I left we sorted it out and Dave suggested I get ready to respond to a declaration from Mark that he was into me. I told Dave not to be so flipping ridiculous. Anyway, I get back on New Years Eve and he gets really drunk (this is his least favourite story ever) and asks me if I want to be special to someone. Over the past month God's been telling me to get ready for a relationship, that I am destined for marriage. So I say yes I do want to be special to someone, but not to him, because that would never work. He starts crying (again, his least favourite story ever) and I take him home and that's that.

Nine days later we are having a texting conversation and I told him to stop saying nice things like how pretty I am because it sends the wrong message. Don't do it unless you feel it, basically. So he texts back, very eloquently 'it's just, um, you know...' to which I maturely panic, call Dave in tears, and we go for a walk and he calms me down and then I arrange to meet Mark at a park to talk about stuff. So we talk and we decide to spend a month in prayer/courting to figure out if this is what God wants for us and we'll trust His decision. By January fifteenth it has been confirmed three times that this is what God wants and that we will be getting married. But we don't make it official due to my family pressure, and out of respect for his ex, until January twenty-eighth. Which is when we have our first kiss (naww). And that's how we got together.... 

[andgracewillleadushome]

Sarai ~ Being Engaged Is A Pressure Pot

I've had a lot of engaged friends lately, and two couples got married this week, and it's been wonderful to watch their journeys. And interesting. Because it's made me think back to some things about when I was engaged that I didn't really notice until now. They might interest you.

We fought more. Okay, so we were very tempestuous anyway and I have no idea why no one sat us down and asked us if we thought this was actually a good idea because it seems like we're going to kill each other. We fought about everything. He was eating too noisily. I was taking too much of his free time. He was all frowny when I was sick because he couldn't fix me and it made me mad at him because I felt unsupported... we ironed out A LOT of kinks in this time and that took a lot of friction. The little things bugged us more, because I think we realised this was our "last chance" to walk away from this if it wasn't going to work. And we pushed to reconcile, to adapt, to shave off the rough edges and become a team. So if you're fighting more, don't panic. Just know what it's about. 

We learned to communicate better. We had a fast engagement. But I swear in that five month period we learned how to communicate more effectively than ever before. I feel THIS WAY because of THIS. Rather than YOU DRIVE ME MENTAL. I like to call this "productive disagreement". I need you to do this for me because it's important to me and this is why. 

We rarely disagreed about the actual wedding stuff. Mark, to be fair, couldn't care less for the most part. And neither could I. I wanted to elope. He didn't. So we had a ceremony but no reception. Everyone was very confused. I think if I could go back in time I would have formed more opinions and done things differently, but I loved my wedding day and I don't want to go back through that time of my life again. Because I didn't care I let myself get railroaded. Which is very unlike me. Anyway. It was just a day. 

Getting engaged didn't fix anything. In fact, it made stuff get a lot more real and confronting. It is going to AMPLIFY everything. Which is good. Because this stage is about preparing you for the rest of your lives together. Not a preparing for a day you do some stuff in formal wear. USE THIS TIME. 

Mark also made some comment about how he's been brainwashed to absolve the stress of our engagement period from his mind and recommends buying a bunny because bunnies are cute, fuzzy, and loveable comforting distractions. He stands by this even though I said he was silly. He is now on the floor playing with our bunny. 

I think that's all for now folks. I hope this helps!

[thelovewhisperer]

Before you say yes, get him angry. See him scared, see him wanting, see him sick. Stress changes a person. Find out if he drinks and if he does, get him drunk — you’ll learn more about his sober thoughts. Discover his addictions. See if he puts you in front of them. You can’t change people, baby girl. If they are made one way, it doesn’t just wear off. If you hate how he acts when he’s out of it now, you’re going to hate it much worse eight years down the road. You might love him to bits but it doesn’t change that some people just don’t fit.

inkskinned, “My father’s recipe for the man I should marry”  (via olivia-ross)

[andgracewillleadushome]

Me and my boyfriend have been friends for 9 months and been dating 6 months and it’s been long distance. (yay waiting a week before we both move to date.) He’s truly one of my best friends and for a lot of our relationship I’ve been thinking, wow, I could marry this guy someday. Well for the past month he’s really changed and we’ve been been fighting a lot. The way he’s been talking to me has been aggressive sounding or he just doesn’t talk. little things will set him off, we don’t talk much unless I specifically ask if we can, and he looked at porn again after being clean for a year before, and I just generally feel like he doesn’t even like me. Meanwhile we’re both planning to move back to America in Sept to work with the missions organization where we met and he’s committed to this and me. But the way we are right now I’m terrified to do anything, but most of my plans are resting on him. Is it normal to have struggles like this, or should I just run for the hills now? He’s trying so hard at everything and going through a bunch of stuff but if I would’ve seen a video of the way he’s recently started behaving at the beginning of our relationship and our whole friendship I literally either wouldn’t have believed what I saw or I would’ve probably not chose this. How long is it wise to wait to see if things like this will pass? How normal is it to struggle this much in a relationship? Is there still hope? Sorry this is long!

Jeska:

Here are my few thoughts on this: I think his behavior is seriously shady. It IS normal to have struggles in relationships and even have some hard-questioning moments, but complete behavior change with a side dish of porn says that something is going on to me. I understand the struggle of not wanting to give up one something/someone when you’ve put a lot of time and work into it, but also being afraid to stay when you maybe feel it’s best to go. So here is my criteria on how to make that call:

Is this problem something I am comfortable dealing with after marriage?

Have we communicated effectively about this problem and either found the source or discussed ways to improve the situation?

Is the rest of the relationship beneficial and producing good fruit?

Essentially with the first one, you need to see if you’d be fine with things staying the exact same if they were in a higher commitment level. Porn is one thing; it often has a way of rearing it’s ugly head after years of being clean and still comes up in healthy and happy marriages. If your relationship progressed to that level (and actually, at this point as well) there is the benefit of counseling and accountability because this is one dragon you don’t want to let roaming around. But being treated poorly is a whole other matter. You feel like he doesn’t like you? You’re fighting more and he sounds aggressive or doesn’t ever talk to you? Yeah.. that’s not something I’d want to commit to for the rest of my life. That DEFINITELY needs to be discussed and changed if his behavior is hurtful and disrespectful. Leading into the next point: communication. I hear a lot of people discussing their problems with others (not saying you’re doing this) but then when asked if they’ve talked to their significant other about it, they haven’t. It’d be surprising, but maybe he doesn’t know his behavior hurts you that much. And like I said, I think something bigger is going on and it’s worth addressing head on, even if it’s uncomfortable.

Lastly, if this is just a small dip in an otherwise good relationship, you can weigh it out that way. If you feel like you’ve grown spiritually and as a person or that you’ve improved from who you were before to who you are now because of the good fruit coming from your relationship, then that helps. However, I would be a little surprised that would be the case just because it’s hard to have any good feelings come up with a person who isn’t kind and doesn’t talk to you. But for future reference, it’s still a listed point.

You said so yourself… if you knew this is what it would be like, you wouldn’t have started dating in the first place. I think that’s a good place to reflect on. But, communication needs to happen first. If you open that gate and he apologizes and you can decide together to work on this, you might have a chance to see this play out happily. But if he refuses to treat you as the beautiful woman you are and you are left in an unhappy relationship, then I’d say head for the hills. You might find some gold out there. ;) Hugs, it’s not easy.

Sarai:

Jeska is so wise. You should listen to her. But for me, it comes back to these things:

- I feel safe with him

- I know I can talk with him openly about anything

- This guy puts me first and loves me like Christ loved the church.

If I didn’t have that with Mark, I would have walked away, even if it was nice and lovely and we got along all the time. I’m not sure you feel this way anymore, I think it’s how you did feel. Don’t let how you felt and what you hoped for define what’s going on in your present and future.

The most important thing is to TALK TO HIM. Yay, no fun, I know. But talking to us is no substitute for talking to him. Wise and beautiful, though we are. 

Please keep us posted, you don’t have an easy decision to make, and we do care about you and what happens next! 

[mizcullen]

Oh my God, all of this. Just all of it. You need to read this. My entire perspective has changed since being in a relationship, engaged, now married and I can tell you all of these things affected me.

[andgracewillleadushome]

This is something that Jeska and I (Sarai) have talked about a lot. And these things are spot on.

One of the most memorable sex conversations I ever had was with a married lady friend of mine who confessed... all she'd ever heard about sex was pretty negative and she couldn't understand how something paedophiles and predators and porn addicts use for their sinful kicks is something she could enjoy with her husband.

I just... I grew up in a very sexually liberated family - I still think about sex like a bodily function. Sure, it's for married peeps and all that jazz, but it's not the demon to me that it might otherwise be.

Again, Jeska and I are ALWAYS happy to talk about sex and questions you might have and awkwardness - provided you're not asking for specifics haha.

Sex shoudn't be locked up behind closed doors. 

[andgracewillleadushome]

[Jeska] What being engaged really feels like.

the other day i was talking to one of my tumblr loves about how being engaged and wedding planning isn't actually as fun as it looks and i figured maybe some of you would benefit from my thoughts. :)

wedding planning? oh its miserable. pinterest and whatever makes it look so fun and glamorous and exciting and it’s totally not. it’s a frick ton of work for very little pay off (i mean, weddings are great, but it’s over in like ten seconds) and you’re so stressed out by it all you just think “WHEN WILL THIS BE OVER” but then you get sad because who wants to view their wedding like that?

my advice?

don’t be stressed because someone else is. that’s hard to not feed off someone’s vibes, i know, but seriously. if you’re chill about whatever decisions you’re making (or not making) then you just pat them on the head and say “no thank you, this is how i like it”. you’re an adult. you can do that now. you can care 100% about your wedding and not have any stress about it and probably look like you don’t care. but it’s a different kind of not caring. “what kind of flowers? i don’t care.” is one of those things because all flowers are pretty. there are a thousand elements like that in wedding planning where people will gape and gasp at you for “not caring/how dare you/blah blah blah” but don’t you worry your pretty head.

have days where you don’t even think about your wedding. or if you do, it’s just about how much fun you will have. no planning. you actually need to schedule days and time where you DON'T plan and i’m not kidding. it’s only going to get worse closer up to the date.

do exactly what you want, exactly how that looks. i wanted to get married in the middle of this road that is right next to the river and has an amazing canopy of trees over it. i talked with the city and ended up choosing something different, but if i had my way to redo it, i would have fought for that road. i was just too stressed at the time to deal with government and paperwork. but i had people turn up their noses and go “a road. you want to get married on a road.” yep, and you're not invited. or if you want a food truck or shoot, kool-aid and pizza rolls to be your food choices, YOU DO IT. because it’s YOUR wedding, involving YOU and YOUR FIANCE and YOUR tastes and NO ONE ELSE'S. if you wouldn’t let someone pick out your dress or what style of make up you should wear, the same should apply to the whole thing. it’ll be a grande reflection of ya’ll and you’ll want it to go your way.

that being said, no wedding goes 100% perfect. in my mind, it’s not a real wedding unless something goes wrong haha. and i don’t mean stuff like we had (finding a copperhead in the reception hall or having groomsmen break the golfcart because they were screwing around) i mean more like, the day was supposed to go wedding/reception/after party at the pool. but somehow guests got wind of the pool before hand and i lost a lot of our friends to the pool DURING the karaoke reception. frustrating, but not a big deal. however, NOT at all how i wanted it to go. i mean, when you start planning you have plan A, then things change and you get to plan B then C then by the time you’re actually finished planning and it’s the day of, you are honestly at plan H. so when someone says “i hope you get the wedding you wanted” you smile and nod and not laugh at how that was out the window two weeks after you got engaged.

also, don’t compare. i realize this is a huge chunk of life, but like seriously. some people have beautiful, amazing weddings and i’m still kinda jealous because we didn’t have like $30k to spend on our wedding. but it’s all an illusion, just like everything else. every bride had to say no when they wanted to say yes and every bride had to compromise. so try to not get so affixed on pinterest (not that you are) because they’ll lie and say every day was perfect but yours.

VIDEO VIDEO VIDEO. this is not really wedding planning advice, but i just am remembering how i totally failed to put that detail in as a delegated task because i assumed it was 2013 and someone would have a smart phone, right? wrong. wrong wrong wrong. i will still cry at how i feel about that because the thing is, when it’s someone else’s wedding you’re watching it and the emotions and the experience and i totally thought that was how it was going to go. it sounds ridiculous to think that i forgot i’d be IN the wedding, but it changes things. i hardly remember how it even went down and it was over in 15 minutes (maybe 20) so like it was such a blur. definitely record it. even if it’s just a crummy iphone recording.

and last but not least, just focus on how happy you’ll be when you’re finally married. i mean, yes, weddings are fun, but they’re so much work and so much stress that it’s like not even worth it sometimes (but keep going!) but once you’re married… that’s where the fun begins. i LOVE being married. it’s been a whole year and it’s been the best time of my life. i love my husband and life didn’t have color before we were married. or well, it did, but everything is so much brighter and lovelier now. that’s what’s good to focus on. so if you get all stressed, just grab his hand and crack that beautiful smile and remember that in a few short days he’ll be yours forever and it’ll be the best thing you’ve ever done.

oh wait, real last thing: if you decide to just say screw it and get eloped THAT’S TOTALLY OKAY. i’ve had literally, and i mean that LITERALLY, every bride tell me it’s crossed their mind. and two were trying to convince me to just elope and skip the wedding because of how much chaos it can be. but it’s okay to just suddenly decide that a big wedding isn’t what you want. looking back, i would have done something much quieter and much smaller probably. but we were cheap and poor and honestly i tried to invite as many people as we could so i could optimize our loot. that sounds greedy, but hello, we’re poor. truth of the matter. judge away.

just don’t let it be this big train that runs too fast on the tracks and gets away from you. you’re in control. you call the shots. you can change your mind at every moment and i want you to be empowered by that and not fearful of it. being in charge can be scary. but you’re in charge of something important to you and even if it’s not fun to make hard calls, just stand up and be the awesome boss of a woman that’s in your heart to say THAT'S NOT WHAT I WANT. heck, i’d do so many things different as most brides would. it’s par for the course. serve nothing but ice cream sandwiches or whatever your hearts desires are. everyone goes to the same style of wedding every year and most guests have fun but are bored — add in some flair and excitement! that’s why we had a karaoke contest and the pool party. everyone loved it. and it was fun. create a wedding that you’d want to go to. serve food that you want to eat and feel good about paying for. stay 100% true to your life and dreams and desires as fancy or as casual as they may be. people who love you will love it and those who don’t probably were obligatory invites anyway and they still probably gave you a gift so who cares.

anyway. you’re gonna be great. and it’s gonna be an awesome day. and you’re gonna be beautiful and happy and you’ll hit the point where if the whole world caught on fire you wouldn’t even notice because it’s just you and him forever. finally. <3

[andgracewillleadushome]

Were you friends with your husband before you started dating? How did you officially "get together"?

Sarai ~ Absolutely we were. And I strongly advocate that people are friends first before they start dating. I think it builds a really important foundation. But the Mark and Sarai story is a bit of a saga.(I will post the slightly more fulsome story separately and keep it short here) We were introduced by my best friend (and guy I refer to as my brother) Dave, who was best friends with Mark at church at the beginning of 2006. I hadn't made any real friends at the church so Dave decided to introduce me to his 'circle'. I walked over and I forget what they were discussing but someone was wrong and I corrected him... to which Mark replied 'You're a woman, who asked for your opinion?'. Yep, sparks were flying. I love a good argument. And Dave, Mark and I formed this little trio of sci-fi loving, pizza eating Christians. Mark and I always had some tension and argued a lot, but I never thought of it as anything serious or romantic, really, because I wanted to be single forever. God had other plans. Late 2009, I unwittingly confessed to Mark that I had not just best friend feelings for him, but dismissed it as foolishness. God told me to get ready because I was going to get married. Mark and I had a couple of huge fights (stemming, I realise now, from his jealously of my other male friends). And Mark broke up with his on again off again long distance girlfriend of five years.

January 9th a texting conversation led to a very romantic declaration of love from Mark ("It's just, um, you know..."), leading to my panic, a two hour long walk, talk, and prayer, and the decision to spend January praying about what God wanted for us while courting. While God confirmed it earlier in the month, several times, we waited until January 28th out of respect for his ex and my father's severe disapproval, which is also when we had our first kiss, and my first ever kiss. May 9th engaged. November 13th married. 2010 was a big year for me.

Jeska ~ Josh and I were friends for about six months before we became best friends and then started dating. My roommates and I were new in town and single and so we created "family game night" where we sent out mass texts to our friends and told them to bring a game and bring a friend and we'd provide snacks and we'd all have a good time. It was mainly to build friends, but we also wanted to meet more guys! Josh came regularly and eventually we started hanging out outside game night. Then in the summer he started dating someone else for like two months, broke up with her, and rejoined hanging out with me again -- he kinda dropped off the planet for the summer -- then, he asked me out in November 2011, we were engaged of June 2012 and married in June of 2013! I can't believe it's been so long already. It just seems like yesterday he told me he liked me. :)

[andgracewillleadushome]

My relationship is great in a lot of ways and I love my boyfriend and saw us getting married. I just found or he's been looking at porn. What the what do I do?

Sarai: Wow. Big one. Talk to him. Open and honest. Don't be angry. 

"So, I know you've been looking at porn. And I don't want you to deny it or be defensive or get angry at me. And I'm going to try really hard to not be angry or judgmental. But the fact is, I need to know why. Because what you're doing is hurting me, and our relationship."

Look, my husband used have a porn problem before we were together. And when we got together he stopped. He did it once or twice when we were dating and he felt so guilty about it he told me and was a mess. And I said to him that honestly, I don't like it. It makes me feel like I'm not good enough, and I won't feel that way. If you had to "release tension" I'd rather you thought about me than stared at some anonymous sex worker. He stopped, because he understood. And I let it go because I knew it wasn't about me or temptation it was about a habit and he genuinely hated that he'd done it. 

Knowing WHY he is doing it is important, because no behaviour happens in a vacuum. Cause and effect. Does he want to change? Does he want to stop? How do you feel about it? I can't tell you what to do. But I can tell you that I probably wouldn't have married my husband if he kept looking at porn, because it's not okay by me. I'm worth more than that. But this is a personal perspective. So pray on it. Talk to us some more if you need to (you can write fanmail and we can respond like emails if you need to work through it that way). But guard your heart. Don't get angry (or even) just find out. And if you can live with his answers and trust him to keep his word about it - then it shouldn't destroy you. We all make mistakes and have vices, but there is a line between accidentaly falling down a slippery slope and a sauntering at a downward angle.

Jeska ~ Sarai is right. There's a why behind the what and it's important to look at what it is. One of my favorite bloggers, James, addresses his struggle with porn in this post, and it's one of my favorite things he's ever written. There are so many facets to it: is it really about lust? is it boredom? is it a desire for control similar to other addictions? If your boyfriend can be honest with you about what's going on, it'll make seeking out a solution much easier.

But, it's really hard to be in your shoes with something like this because Sarai is right again, it's not fair to you. The times that I have been where you are, all I can feel is that I'm not enough, and that's not something I want to experience in a relationship ever. So, hugs to you for even getting the brunt of the emotional hurt here.

It DOES need to be dealt with before you get married. It's like a damn weed.. you can kill it and kill it but unless you get to the root, it's gonna come back. So I would highly encourage you to help him find an accountability partner (not you. I'd say you if you were married, but really right now, he needs a dude.) and some good accountability software. We have used X3 and Covenant Eyes before and I recommend both. X3 is free and Covenant Eyes I think is like $5/month, but it's good for devices as well. (X3 may be, I haven't looked into it.) And make sure that line of communication is open. Be honest, but try your best to not be condemning... Does that make sense? When Josh and I started watching Breaking Bad, I said to him "Honey. Walter would be able to solve literally every one of his problems if he was just honest with his wife. If you are ever, EVER, in any trouble -- even if it's drugs or you murdered someone (I was serious) -- tell me. I'll help you figure it out. You can be in trouble and I'll stay with you as long as your honest." And I totally mean it. Honest solves so much and lying just makes things worse and worse. So there have been times Josh has brought things up to me opening with "So, Walter White moment" and it means he needs to be heard out with grace because something really is wrong. And I'm happy to help, even if it's something like porn that hurts my feelings while we're talking about it. But like Sarai said, if I get defensive and angry it's probably going to stop him from wanting to tell me things ever because he'll be afraid to do so based on my reactions. So, just talk with your boyfriend. Get him to be honest with you and see what you both can do to get help for him.

[andgracewillleadushome]

[Jeska] One year of marriage!

Tuesday was our one year of marriage anniversary. In the grande view of life, it’s a small but meaningful milestone. But comparatively to how society is so what-*I*-want-and-how-*I*-feel-is-paramount focused, I am pretty proud of our first year. Our relationship as friends, dating, engagement and marriage -- it really has been an amazing time.

I mentioned on Facebook that I had people who were married (and actually.. a lot of people who WEREN’T married but felt like they cornered the market on the advice they could give me) tell me that marriage is gonna be really rough the first five years. “Make it past the first five and you’ll be fine,” they say. I was told it was a hard transition and you’ll fight all the time and sometimes regret picking them to marry. Now, I’m not saying that it hasn’t been a little work at times, or that we haven’t had a few small disagreements. But we haven’t argued that I can remember. There has never been a time that we have fought mercilessly or a time when I didn’t want to be married to him. (And him to me — I’ve asked.) It hasn’t been perfect but even in the “worst” parts of our last year, I still always wanted to be married to him, and he always made everything better. Even when, and some of you don’t know this, even when we lost our first pregnancy. Yes, Ruby isn’t our first child. That was just six months into our marriage when right before Christmas we lost Seth (we have since gendered and named him, although we did lose him at 9 weeks) and it was really difficult for us both, but I was able to endure it with God’s comfort and Josh’s love. And when we unexpectedly became pregnant with Ruby just two weeks after that, Josh was there to help calm my fears. We have endured jobs changes, medical bills, expensive car problems, the health struggle and loss of Josh’s youngest brother, and a myriad more. It has NOT been an easy year. But it has been a GOOD year. And I know I speak for us both when I say that we are truly blessed. Blessed with amazing family and friends to support us through such things and blessed that our first year was able to make us stronger and closer than divide us apart.

I really didn’t believe in “The One” before I married Josh. I thought, 7 billlion people or whatever, the odds are that one of them besides Josh had to be just as compatible for me as he was. but I am so wrong. No one else. Just him. He is, in every way, my perfect match. And I am completely convinced that no one else can ever make me as happy as he does. He is, as Michael Scott so eloquently puts it, my soupsnake. (Michael later realizes that the word he was tried to read off his notecard was soulmate.)

We are happy, we are blessed and we are excited to become a family and where the rest of our lives take us. Thank you for joining us on this journey.

[andgracewillleadushome]

[Jeska] The journey to 20 weeks and the journey to perspective.

(This is a repost from our family blog. I’m currently at almost 25 weeks pregnant with our daughter, Ruby Jane, and I’ll include an updated picture at the bottom!)

My sister once told me on one of the days pre-pregnancy when I was complaining about how I felt a bit pudgy, “Trust me. When you get pregnant, you’ll look back on these days and wonder how you had it so good!”

I didn’t think she was serious. But just looking at this progression of pictures… man, consider hindsight achieved! First picture is maybe around 9 weeks when I definitely wasn’t showing but thought I was.

Perspective is good in all things. Especially in pregnancy. On the days that I feel extra-large, I try and be thankful and pray for women who would give anything to be pregnant. When I am fearful of the future because the responsibility of a person seems well SCARY, I thank God again that we were able to create a child and I have been able to grow her properly. For every negative emotion, I try and have a positive reaction and prayer arise from my heart to further learn how to be thankful.

Pregnancy isn’t glamorous. I am not the magical pregnancy unicorn I wanted to be. But I am a home. A home to my daughter. And no matter how old she gets, or how far away from me she might be, I will always look back on the time when I was able to carry her, feed her, sing to her and love her all without knowing her. And isn’t that how God treats us? Even when we don’t know Him, He knows us. He loves us. He cares for us.

Pregnancy is a gift, and many mothers do not get to experience this gift in this life, or in a natural way and my heart aches for them. But it’s not just a gift of life but a gift of perspective. Bad days while pregnant can be absolutely miserable, but they are to be considered a joy when you think of the women that have spent years trying to conceive or those that weren’t able to make it as far as I have. The growing and stretching of my body, while uncomfortable and hard to deal with emotionally sometimes, is to be cherished as I am sacrificing who I am and who I used to be for this person I created — something also not unlike the breaking of Christ on the cross for the children He so dearly loves.

I will not take these things for granted, even in the midst of pain. This pain produces life, and I want to be found ever grateful. And that’s my prayer for the next 20 weeks.

Here is my updated look! And she’s even bigger now.. I took that picture five days ago in the morning and homegirl has definitely gotten bigger… I have been so achy!

[andgracewillleadushome]

Hello there! I would *love* some insight if ever you have the time. I am currently married to my beloved (cheese) and I am so thankful. Before we began dating (I was 23 he was 21) we had never been in serious" relationships before. We were "brand new," and not only saved sex for marriage but had kept handholding, kissing, blah, blah, blah for the one God led us too. However, during our dating/engagement period we did cross our boundaries and went into some foreplay. Yet, we never "felt" convicted of sin. We knew we would not have sex and were not tempted to cross that line; at the same time we were surprised at how much we had crossed due to our preconceived notions of purity before we began dating. The only reason I fear what we did is because I would never tell my parents "how far" we went. So, my question is ... is my fear of telling others/my parents an indicator of a guilty conscience? I know that was a lot to ask ... thank you for any insight.

Sarai~ So my rule of thumb is actually 'don't do anything I wouldn't tell my dad about'. Not that I have a great relationship with my dad necessarily, and not that he's not a bit of a pharisee at times. But rather because he's wise and I respect him, and even if we'd disagree, I'd still tell him because I feel strongly convicted I was in the right. Not that I go to Dad and tell him everything, just like would I tell him. Make sense?

So I get where you are coming from about worrying that you have a guilty conscience. And to be honest purity is a stupid concept in my humble opinion. I was sexually pure and completely untouched in that way before I met Mark. And yet, I'd done drugs, self-harmed, and even done some witchcraft-y stuff. I was not pure. And yet everyone was telling me how much 'better' or 'more pure' I was than Mark and saying I shouldn't be with him because of that. How ridiculous! He might have had sex but I'd been COMPLETELY off the rails. 

BUT, refer to this post where we talked about boundaries. You move the posts, you change things and you remove the buffer zone. You say you've never been tempted to go all way and to that I have to ask... really? Can you honestly say you won't be tempted and that you're not just slowly working up to crossing that boundary? Look, you know what's right and what's wrong. We're meant to be able to hold a magnifying glass up to our lives and show how we're different to non-Christians and be a letter of love written to the people. We're meant to demonstrate a different way of life. We're meant to be able to account for all of our actions on Judgment Day. I'm not judging you and I don't have any answers because only YOU know what's right for you. I guess the question is: Are you doing the RIGHT thing? Because I'm yet to be convinced that there are very many shades of gray in morality.