today is going to be a good day

evan hansen, 17. (Part of London's Calling rp) [Not affiliated with Dear Evan Hansen or Ben Platt]

[andheres-why]

mclindas:

Melinda had no memory of how she got to this new place. The teenager was alone and unsure of exactly where she was. She was also unsure of the people around her. She still had some fear. She bit down on her lip as she explored her surroundings. It seemed like an okay place and anywhere was better than home. Too many memories there. She looked up as dark clouds rolled in and it started to rain.

Evan threw his hood over his head as the rain started to come down. He wasn’t really sure what he was doing here, and taking walks usually helped him to calm down at least a little bit. The remaining effort was mind over matter, convincing himself that he was okay--and avoiding panic attacks. Hearing footsteps, he turned to see a girl standing and looking up at the sky. “Um...excuse me?” He spoke, keeping a cautious distance. “Are you--um, are you okay?” He asked, not particularly skilled at initiating conversation. 

@mclindas

[andheres-why]

smckingdrugs: 

“ Yea, she did. She’s… okay I guess. Way better than she was back home, perhaps death makes people a little better. “

Evan was surprised Connor didn’t...freak out (for lack of a better phrase) when he mentioned Zoe. He recalled that day in the computer lab when things had gone from congenial to angry paranoia in a matter of minutes. “That’s good.” Was all he could think to say. Nothing inflammatory about it, right? He tried to stop shaking. 

[andheres-why]

smckingdrugs:

Connor’s eyes never reverted back to their normal scowl, the dark hues still in mid-glare. “ You’re fucking right it was a stupid question, you seem to be full of ‘em. “

Don’t freak out. Don’t freak out. Evan silently repeats it to himself, flinching a little at Connor’s tone of voice, but nodding his head. “Zoe said she--that she talked to you. Well--she didn’t say that exactly, but she told me you were al--that you were here.” He rambled, feeling his heart start to race as he stood there. 

[andheres-why]

ofscribbledstars:

“I know, Evan. We all know that.” She says rubbing the top of his hand with her thumb.”It was very selfish of you to do that, but I understand why you did.” She understands but it still doesn’t make what he did okay. Zoe has had a hard time trusting people after that. She knows Evan has a good heart, he just wanted to make everyone happy. They were happy for a while. It was the happiest Zoe had been in a long time, but the truth came out and Zoe’s happiness went away. Especially with all the attacks she was getting online. It was a rough time for her and her family, but they got through it together. The Murphy family became much closer after that. 

She might not hate me, Evan thought to himself, but he wasn’t as easy to convince. The possibility of anyone seeing how messed up he was had always been terrifying, and then he’d only made himself into a worse person: a liar. He’d been working on that with Dr. Sherman before winding up here, but therapy wasn’t a quick fix. He still couldn’t forgive himself for hurting everyone; his mother, Jared, Alana, and the Murphys--including Connor, even if back then he hadn’t been alive (again). “It was easier. To hide, and...pretend that things were better than they were.” He remarked, breaking eye contact. If anyone deserves his honesty right now, it’s Zoe. 

[andheres-why]

smckingdrugs:

“ I didn’t get in a crash, or accidentally go to the wrong place, Hansen. I chose to leave. “ Connor snapped at the boy, his eyes narrowed into frustrated slits. “ So, why the fuck would I think being back on Earth is all hunky-dory? “

If only Connor knew that I know more about that than he thinks, Evan thought, taking a shaky deep breath. “I-I don’t know. I’m sorry. It was a stupid question.” He said quickly, trying to get the words out so fast, it was almost like he was trying to retroactively not ask what he had. 

[andheres-why]

ofscribbledstars:

“Evan..” She frowns as he pulls away from her touch. Yes, Zoe was still hurt by what Evan did to her and her family, but she will always care for Evan. He was there for her during everything and she did love him even though most of there relationship was built on a lie. “You fucked up big time Evan. You broke my heart but I don’t hate you. Things will never be the same between us but I will always care about you.” Zoe reaches out for his hand, she squeezes it softly.

He’s telling himself to calm down. Freaking out around Zoe was something he’d always feared, in some way. Before they’d met, it had been the fear of his hands being sweaty--embarrassing himself. Now, he was more of the opinion that he had no right to break down after what he’d done. ‘I don’t hate you’ were the words that made him look at her, eyes still teary, but surprised. Of course Zoe Murphy could do that--she was an amazing person, and he’d always thought that. When she grabbed his hand, Evan went back to trying to blink back the tears, nodding his head as he used his free hand to wipe at his face (in a way that’s meant to be discreet). “I never meant to hurt anyone.” He says. “But you...saw me. I couldn’t give that up. It was selfish. It was so selfish.” 

[andheres-why]

smckingdrugs:

“ Take a wild fucking guess, Hansen. “ Connor shot at the shaking boy, his dark eyes like knives ready to go in for the stab. “ You know my story, don’t you? “

“Y-your story...?” Evan tried to figure out what he meant, once again, but couldn’t keep his mouth shut. He should have just nodded, excused himself, and ran off. Instead, he remained where he stood, shoulders hunched and feeling like he was shrinking underneath the sharp glare of Connor Murphy. 

[andheres-why]

ofscribbledstars:

Zoe notices how quiet he has gotten and starts to get a bit worried. Yes, she is still really upset with him, but she still cares about him. She knows how bad his anxiety can get. “Are you alright, Evan?” She asks giving a concerned look, “don’t worry too much about Connor. He’ll probably just say a few mean things and then never talk to you again.” Evan won’t even look at her anymore. Zoe sighs and places her hand on his shoulder, “It’ll be okay, Evan.”

Evan stands there, trying to withstand the flood of thoughts that all center around one thing: ‘you’re a terrible person’. He knows that he’s supposed to forgive himself, and learn from past mistakes, but all he can focus on is that he hurt Zoe, pissed off Connor, and disrespected all of the Murphys when he fabricated that friendship. What kind of a loser did that, anyway? He felt so selfish. As Zoe touches his shoulder, he flinches away, his breathing uneven as he blinks rapidly. “I’m sorry.” He apologizes almost automatically. “You shouldn’t have to be--to be nice to me. I don’t...” Deserve it. Evan can’t get the words out. 

[andheres-why]

smckingdrugs:” 

And this was where the confusion set in, his eyebrows furrowing. “You’re glad? Why the hell are you? Nobody else is, not even me.”

Evan wasn’t making eye contact at this point, shaking his head and apologizing once again. “I’m sorry, that was...just a--really insensitive thing for me to say so--wait, what do you mean?” He caught what Connor had said halfway through his own incoherence, looking up. Then he realized he just asked Connor Murphy--a person who had killed himself--why he wasn’t glad to be alive. “Sorry--you don’t have to answer that.” He quickly tried to remedy his mistake. 

[andheres-why]

smckingdrugs:

Connor wishes that Evan would turn around now, run off, forget the long-haired freak of nature didn’t even exist. Just like everyone else. The last person he wanted to speak to, other than Larry of course, was Evan fucking Hansen. “ Why? Why the fuck are you here? “

He’d been forewarned by Zoe that Connor was here, and that he knew about the fake emails and all of that, but Evan still remained where he stood. He couldn’t help but remember the fleeting moments when the admittedly terrifying teenager in front of him had been...well, kind. No one else had signed his cast, and Connor had noticed. It was all okay until he saw Zoe’s name in that damn letter. “I don’t--I don’t know.” Evan confessed. “I’m just...I mean, I’m glad you’re not--” No, he couldn’t say that. ‘I’m glad you’re not dead’? What a stupid thing to say. “I’m sorry.” 

[andheres-why]

ofscribbledstars:

“I just told you he does. Calling you a lying tree hugger kinda implies that he knows about your lies.” She said giving him a weird look, “He must have looked it up online. He probably read all about it. Everything you said about him.” Zoe hasn’t looked anything up since Evan told her the truth. She assumes its still online, Connor could easily find it just by searching his name. “Try not to worry about him too much. If you see him just try to avoid him, walk the other way.” Zoe used to do that a lot, she hated being around Connor. He’d always try and find a way to make her upset. Whenever she’d see him at school she would avoid him.

He doesn’t know why Zoe’s even talking to him. She should hate him. He imagined she would--that if she ever saw him again, there’d be a look of contempt for letting her think that her brother had cared. Evan felt like he would deserve that, instead of this: the hug, the smile, the helpful heads-up about Connor’s presence. He doesn’t notice the odd expression she was looking at him with, his eyes burning a hole in the ground. His fingers fidget and he can tell they are, but he can’t help it. There’s more advice dispensed about her brother, and he forces himself to nod his head. His voice, however, is lost as he feels his chest tighten with anxiety. Evan’s pretty sure that no one else has ever had to deal with the reality of a dead person coming back to life, and knowing how you lied about them. 

[andheres-why]

ofscribbledstars:

“I’m pretty sure he does know..” She says thinking back to her conversations with Connor. “He never said anything about it, but he did mention us dating. He called you a ‘lying tree hugger’.. so I assume he knows about it. ” Zoe says running her hand through her hair, looking down. Connor will probably be pissed to see Evan here. All the lies he spread about him, everything he did to his family. She hopes Connor doesn’t do anything crazy, he’s already pushed Evan down for no reason, what will he do with a reason to be mad?

If Evan could see himself, he imagined he visibly paled at Zoe’s guess that Connor did know the truth. However, he could feel his stomach figuratively tying itself up in knots. Lying tree hugger. “Oh.” Is all he can utter for the moment, imagining that her brother will be furious--and he was capable of pushing pretty hard. At least he didn’t have a broken arm this time--no, that wasn’t very helpful. The guilt felt like it was piling on his shoulders, crushing him. Evan remembers that day in the Murphy house when the truth had come out. “H-he knows about...about all of it?” He asks, though it’s obvious that’s what she meant. Evan’s voice shakes, and he tries to keep himself calm, but it doesn’t work. 

[andheres-why]

smckingdrugs:

Connor raised an eyebrow at the boy in front of him, vaguely remembering when they had last met. Computer lab, with that stupid fucking letter about his sister. He knew it was an overreaction, knowing it was partially from his lack of self-prescribed medication, otherwise known as pot. But, he still felt a small twinge of anger at the boy. “ Great.. You’re here.. “

Evan considers turning around and running walking away. However, if he’s learned anything from the past year or more, it’s that everything eventually catches up to you. “...yes, that’s, uh, yeah it’s crazy how--being here is just...a surprise.” Way to work, brain. He’s too nervous and it’s like he can’t decide what the hell he wants to say, so it’s not even word vomit--because at least that would imply some kind of sense. Evan stands there, unconscious of the way he makes himself smaller with hunched posture and lack of eye contact. 

[andheres-why]

victorianarmydoctor:

“Okay I think we can continue with our conversation.”  Though he writes this all down.  “Now I can tell you how we got here, though it is one of disbelief but it seems to be the only way to have gotten here.  Are you ready ?”

Evan felt a little like a bobblehead with the continuous nodding of his head, but it was partially to convince himself; yes, he was okay. Yes, he was ready. In reality, he was still freaking out about all of this. How had he gotten to LONDON?! What was his Mom doing? Was she freaking out? Worse, what if she hadn’t even noticed he was gone? She could be at work, or in class, and not even know her only son was missing, in an unfamiliar country, across an ocean, with not a single memory of traveling. He would have had to take a plane, right? Or maybe a boat. He didn’t recall being on either! 

[andheres-why]

@smckingdrugs

Evan had been told by Zoe that Connor was here, but somehow there had still been a disconnect--at least, until he saw him. Standing there on the other side of the street, he looked exactly the same as he had in the computer lab. Well, maybe some stuff could have been different, Evan thought, not trusting his memory to make such strict assumptions. He couldn’t ignore the surge of guilt that resulted from seeing the guy with whom he’d fabricated a friendship. 

[andheres-why]

victorianarmydoctor:

“Okay okay before I answer you you must breathe for me okay?  Now copy me inhale.”  He makes an inhale motion with his hands.  “And breathe out.”  He makes an exhale motion.  Before he can even answer his questions he needs the distressed child to breathe.

Evan tried to follow the doctor’s instructions, closing his eyes for a moment to focus before he mimicked the breathing, slowly. In. Out. In. Out. It helped a little, because whenever he would go on one of his ramblings, he usually held his breath--which was a bad enough idea when he wasn’t panicking. Eventually, he nodded his head. “Okay. I’m...I’m okay now.” He said, though it wasn’t a totally honest thing to say. He was as calm as he could be, anyway. 

[andheres-why]