sunshine through the cracks

melancholic teen v 4.0

[andiewrites]

march 12; 3:21am

How do I tell you I love you without making a sound?

Do I graze the floor with my feet to hide back right behind you?

Do I count the seconds till you falter and look my way?

Do I pause the tape and rewind to the exact moment of your clarity?

How would you see me if I did not make my presence so known?

How many times does your bottle meet the table before the beer swirls and turns into the same haze of my mind?

How long till you realize the warmth next to you was not of someone else?

[andiewrites]

february 15; 12:44am

did you ever find me pretty?

what even made you even look at me?

what made you turn away?

was i just easy?

was i just so gullible?

is that all i am to you?

what am i to you?

[andiewrites]

august 11; 9:10am

there is a line I can’t seem to continue. I’ve been thinking about it for days now,

“and I looked up-“

then what? saw the stars? saw your face? felt the tears fall down, felt the rain pour in its place? I’m not sure what I’m looking up to. I can’t seem to picture it, but I’ll keep looking up if that’s the case

[andiewrites]

august 3; 7:10am

The Morning After

I never wanted yesterday to end, cause it seemed like living in that day meant I could still fight for you - like our vulnerability was at its peak. I could still fight for you. I could still win you back and have you in my arms again. You don’t need to move. You don’t need to do a thing. Just stay here. Right there. Where you always were. I never needed much, your love was always more than enough. How could you think I was selfish enough to ever want or need more?

Yesterday, about 9 hours in on the dinner table, my mum asked where you were. Did I have lunch with you that day? Why didn’t I? I couldn’t tell her you just broke my heart in the front seat of a car I used to hold you in. I couldn’t tell her I cried on the bus on the way home. Mostly, I couldn’t tell her cause I couldn’t believe it myself. It still felt so unreal, like it almost didn’t happen.

When you told me you were gonna break up with me, I couldn’t breathe. I was struggling to keep my posture. I couldn’t even look at you. I rehearsed it like a script the night previous, but only with the lines ending with us in the end. I never thought of what to do had it been the alternative. I almost had to force myself to react - but it just felt so nice being back in your arms again after so long — I couldn’t even comprehend that that would be the last time. My mind was at a blank the entire time you held me. How could you. My heart was already so broken, all it needed was you to love me to fix it, how could you smash it even more?

About 12 hours in at 11pm, I felt it. I wasn’t even processing any information or thinking about you specifically but my chest just fell and all the tears came out. I screamed for so long and I cried so, so much. How could you break me like that? (Thank you for saying it with me for the last time.)

However though, the way my heart broke felt like petals falling off a rose. Ever so slowly it settled in, each part breaking one by one. But thank you for trying to hold me together, even if it just meant taping me back and not taking me in. Thank you for thinking I deserved better, when all the best was in you. Thank you for still loving me, because that’s all I ever needed, and maybe I’ll learn to live with that even without you by my side.

I keep retracing the footsteps and looking back but still, I wake up to the morning after. Maybe I’ll stop fighting for you today, maybe I’ll try it one last time. I don’t even want to know the remorse I’ll feel a day after, but I’ll go through it anyways. At least I get to go through it with you partially. I don’t like the morning after, I really don’t.

[andiewrites]

july 26; routine

after your last game was played your hands would reach out to your phone sending a greeting out at seven-thirty on the dot so my ride home wouldn't feel so alone

usual greetings passed, as the same questions followed, stories of the day spilled out the bottle: "i failed my math test." "i've got a paper to do." irrelevant and little things that caused our struggle.

the night would drag on telling tales, sealing secrets and desires with brutal honesty till neither of us realized it was already early morning wishing each other good sleeps and nothing too salty.

there was nothing like a confidant by your side it seemed all too constant and true to go away till one night nothing was heard from you, no texts came my way.

was this a misunderstanding? was this a practical joke you were to play? was i not a vital part of your routine too? do you not want to stay?

i don't know if you're doing well in school anymore I'm not sure if you still have weird dreams but if one day you want to text me at seven-thirty I wouldn't mind trying out our routine.

[andiewrites]

fuck you

I thought the world of you

[andiewrites]

october 24; 8:57pm

there was this one time,

you opened up to me for the first time.

you admitted you were in love with the first girl you ever kissed.

I hoped I would be the next;

I really loved you then.

there was this one time,

you were delayed for hours and hours on your flight to rome.

i stayed up with you till 4am when you told me to sleep.

I woke up to check on you at 6;

I really loved you then.

there was this one time,

we would just video chat for hours doing absolutely nothing because we already knew everything.

i knew there was more to uncover;

I really loved you then.

there was this one time,

I used you as an excuse to get out of my mistake.

I betrayed your trust.

you didn’t think I did, but even so,

I really loved you then.

there was this one time,

I asked why you couldn’t give me a chance, why my apology wasn’t enough.

you said we were through.

fighting back tears for months,

I really loved you then.

there was this one time,

you knew me from the way I typed to the way my clothes fit on waist.

you saw every part of me as I willingly gave it to you.

I was weak to your dominant demeanor but not so anymore.

I really loved you.

[andiewrites]

february 3; 5:21PM

I have found myself in many situations wherein, I am idle and my mind is on absolutely nothing and everything; and suddenly you appear. Not your face or your name in bold letters but just the thought of you. It’s neither happy nor sad nor any other emotion I know. You aren’t smiling or making faces. It’s just you, and the thought of you. I realize after that it is very rare that I intentionally think of you, yet when I do, it’s more than a thought. It’s the way your old favorite song plays in your head but you can only recognize it’s rhythm; and when you finally spew out lyrics, it all comes back. The background vocals and the drum beat at the forty-seventh second; the quiet synths you don’t realize until you’ve blasted it in headphones late at night. The way your cheekbones look dewy after you speak too loud and a little too much. The way we knew exactly what the other would say but still asked anyways. I learned you like I learned how to ride a bike. With caution in every step and risk in every fall. I fell for you like a right uppercut right in the face; I could’ve blocked it but I didn’t. I stayed with you like a classic family recipe, through anything, even crazy sister in laws. Society says you can’t forget how to learn a bike; they are wrong. One of my best friends forgot how to. And so in an instant, i lost my skill. I could no longer bike and i could only crawl. But being on my knees wasn’t anything new, and something I was used to when it came to you. The scrapes on my knees have since dried up, still scarring faintly like a dark part of me stayed. I could put wound cream and cover you up with a gauze and bandages and pink band-aids, but you’ll still be there. And so you’ve left your mark. I cannot lie that sometimes, you still seem like a great option and a love lost. But you aren’t anything I

I never finished this journal, but I think it’s a good thing I finished it with a pronoun of myself. It’s the best thing I got out of you

[andiewrites]

february 27; 5:32PM

I want to swallow the sun;

its core and layers, all of it. just so I can see if it can fire my insides the same way your hands did.

I want to swallow the sea; all its corals and sea treasures. so maybe my heart will float in buoyancy, the same way it did when you let me melt in you.

I want to swallow the earth; the trees and the flowers and the weeds. so maybe flowers will finally adorn me, and I can be beautiful in your eyes.

[andiewrites]

you

The sight of you causes my body to tense The vibrations I feel are not of my phone But of the numbing of my brain as we are alone For with you, nothing now makes sense

The sound of you causes red flags to rise I'd listen to a story a thousand times over If it told me tales all about you And the fire that seems to ember within your eyes

The thought of you causes my barriers to break Cement was never that strong anyways Because nothing like my loud pleas to make it stop Can match to the way you make my heart ache

For you can cause hurricanes and landslides You made a calamity of my mind My thoughts are debris scattered, just hoping That you can put me together when we collide

[andiewrites]

may 11; 10:01am

I told you every truth in each breath Your voice seemed to follow my melodies I knew falling for you would be my own death We were investing in different fallacies

I saw you as the trusty companion by my side With you, I didn’t need a knight in shining armor to save me But you were a prince who couldn’t hide And honey, we both knew I wasn’t royalty

I’m sorry if I made it seem like our stars were aligned I’ve followed them to predict my whole life We were in retrograde and horribly timed We were destined to end in this strife

I loved you so much, I had to let this go Your princess will find you, better than I You deserve to make the most of your own show I can tell you I’ll be okay, and this time I won’t lie

[andiewrites]

may 7th; 11:22pm

You told me once that you didn’t give away your “I love you’s” so easily, because they meant that much. The first time you told me you loved me, you took it back the next day. The second time you told me you loved me, it was when you walked away.

I’m sorry I couldn’t reciprocate the love you gave me. God knows that if I fell for you, I’d be tripping on my own death.

[andiewrites]

‘the eyes chico, they never lie’

March 27; 11:49PM

your eyes met mine in a gaze that defeated the other 30 pairs in the room and somehow, in the same way, our laughter met in the same punchlines although your intentions were something I couldn’t assume i knew for a fact that our paths were somehow made to align

your eyes looked over to me from across the room, bloodshot red rimmed in the traces of one too many shots of whiskey evident in your slur of murmurs and the swing of your head getting a little too close for comfort and a lot more risky

your eyes reminded me of chocolate fountains in a buffet the one saved best for last for ultimate satisfaction that same gaze etched in my mind in the middle of the day thinking I could hold it a little longer, neglecting the caution

your eyes reeled me in like no one had dared to before had me feeling like my fragile state meant something your head against my heart causing an uproar your presence was more to me than just a fling

your eyes captured the honesty weaved in the words i spoke although closing our eyes won’t help us escape the truth we could tell each other the million ways our hearts had broke but i don’t see myself mending back mine with you

[andiewrites]

friends

my teacher once told me, “God sends you friends to guide you”. 

my mom once told me your friends were the ones who will support you. 

tumblr text posts tell me they’re the ones who’ll stay by my side. 

therefore, I’m convincing myself they’re all in this life I call a ride.

but who am i to convince myself when I have no evidence 

of anyone who cared to acknowledge my presence.

 the back of my hand knows the cause of my tears 

who knew my greatest fear would be my own peers

I gave up all my plans for the one comment said 

by two of my best friends behind the back of my head. 

because a whole conversation on how I wasn’t enough,

broke down the demeanor they knew wasn’t so tough.

i could be called a flirt or an attention whore 

but somehow my presence was worse and more,

and so i guess I wasn’t meant for the big league 

if it would cause the internal death of a colleague.

and who would be better to keep a promise 

than the one I could find true solace 

but as time goes by they forget the essence 

as the pacts faded away with my presence

and when I thought I had experienced the last straw 

my affiliation had come to a halting draw 

with the one i thought would never depart 

but then again, I was never that smart

despite my retaliation with a bleeding heart 

nothing could put back what was already apart 

and till this day anyone might believe all my denies 

but one would notice the vanishing of the fire in my eyes

and so I have myself to blame on my dependence 

on the thoughts of my friends and their meaningless acceptance 

but the bad outweighs the good in my little mind 

as self love is a concept I cannot find

does my silence in this chaos not ring a bell? 

do I not look like im in my own personal hell? 

does the blank stare in my eyes not symbolize loss, 

or have I lost my relevance as the friend you’d rather toss

[andiewrites]

if you’re not careful

If you’re not careful, jealousy will shred your mind. Dry walls will look like perfect surfaces to lunge your knuckles at. Suddenly every ant on them will become additional distractions to your unattainable goal. Your chest will feel like it had been injected and punched and flicked into the ever-so-loving hands of your desolate fate. And suddenly you are a suppressed human being incapable of anything. In reality, who is to blame for this unfairness? Who am I even mad at?

Am I mad at them? For they are the cream of the crop and the bearers of the recognition and awards I so feverishly crave. For my peers’ faces didn’t drop the same way my mouth curved downwards seeing the score written on the upper right corner of my paper. For she had been blessed with the gene lottery, having the prettiest face and a naturally lean and curvy body that I could never acquire no matter how many doughnuts I gave up. For they acquired what I had just as easily as I had lost it, and deemed better than I did.

Am I mad at myself? For I am not enough to reach the standards that I self-proclaimed and implemented for my own being. For not working hard enough and eating nacho cheese and chips that one night I had all the time in the world to be proactive. For not being skinny enough, that my collarbones and hipbones protrude through my thin t-shirt in shorts like hers do. For not washing my face properly so that the big ass pimple on my nose wouldn’t have surfaced, making me Rudolph. For allowing myself to let go of the only thing I was scared to lose.

Am I mad at the world for this unfortunate unfairness of my lack of such ability and skill and greatness? For I wasn’t the one recognized and given such opportunities due to my own lack of initiative. For maybe I could’ve just acquired a higher score by chance and luck going my way, yet I didn’t try harder. For maybe I could magically lose my thunder thighs and man arms so I could be just as hot as the other girls, however my metabolism and body type won’t call for it. For maybe destiny could’ve sent back what I loved most to my open arms, rather than change the circumstances against me and my selfishness.

If you’re not careful, jealousy will cloud you. Jealousy is not enough of a reaction to this fatality of praise and good fortune landing in the hands of another. Do not end in jealously. Jealousy was just an excuse to cover the fact that I never tried hard enough to become what I wanted to be. Put jealousy ablaze and use it to fuel your drive to become better than the envy that lives inside of you. You could work harder. You could become healthy and be happy with your image. You are better than the lame excuse of a replacement for you. Let jealousy shred your mind to be better than it. You are not jealous, you are a work in progress.

[andiewrites]

salutations

July 30, 2016

I write this as my first post. I’m using this blog as an outlet for my thoughts. Many of these may seem scattered/pointless/irrelevant, but know that the feeling is mutual. Here I answer questions I ask myself/questions from others/writing prompts, or write whatever i need. To start off, i answer what i believe is the most essential question to be noticed.

Why do you write?

I started writing at the age of 4. I can find diaries, notes, and entries dated back to my toddler days. I wrote in any notebook or pad I could get my hands on - to me there was an endless amount of things i could talk about. Maybe this comes from the fact that I’m a gemini, or the fact that I have thoughts running through my head at about 180mph - my mind probably runs at a 3.0 horsepower engine (is that even how engines are classified>?). Till this day I have a stack of journals sleeping upon my wooden shelf. Some picked up, some left alone. A lot of my thoughts are paths I would rather not walk again. andiewrites because there is no one better to tell a story to than myself. I have never really come across anyone in my 16-years-of-existence that ever wanted to hear my innermost thoughts; and if I did at the time, something has eventually led me to believe otherwise. andiewrites because her mind has too many words to spew that need to be organized and well laid out. andiewrites because she’s a memory hoarder. I live to know when and where things happened and what i thought and who was present. Who, What, Where, When, and Why are my favorite questions to answer. andiewrites because even though I know my writing isn’t as great as I wish it could be, it still means something. To me at least. I believe there is no one in the world that can’t write or tell a good story, there just happens to be people with more guts and drive to write them down and share them to the world. andiewrites because for me, my words speak louder than my actions. (sadly.) andiewrites because the world is an oyster. andiewrites because i only have one life and i might as well document it so i can read it from hell.