This is the definition of "love" laid out in the Bible:
For God so loved the world that he gave his only Son, so that everyone who believes in him might not perish but might have eternal life.
(John 3:16)
"Kenosis" is the term theologians use. It means "self-emptying." It comes from a passage in Philippians which reads, in translation (emphasis mine):
Have among yourselves the same attitude that is also yours in Christ Jesus,
Who, though he was in the form of God,
did not regard equality with God something to be grasped.
Rather, he emptied himself,
taking the form of a slave,
coming in human likeness;
and found human in appearance,
he humbled himself,
becoming obedient to death,
even death on a cross.
(Philippians 2:5-8)
Biblical love is sacrifice. It is self-giving, self-erasure. It finds its epitome in the cross, where Jesus gave up his life to give humans a chance at heaven.
This is my commandment: love one another as I love you. No one has greater love than this, to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.
(John 15:12-13)
This is what Christians are called to emulate. This is what is glorified, what is held up as the highest form of love: To become self-less. That is, to give of yourself, until nothing is left of you. That is, to die. To kill yourself in service to others. To become a martyr.
The modern Christian is asked to give up their "idols"—their interests, their desires, their individuality—in faith. To bow down to power, to give up their income, their self-sovereignty, their critical thinking. Especially in conservative denominations, women in particular are called to give of themselves, to become obedient wives and mothers, to have no personality, no sexuality, no desires, no wants or needs besides the joyful care for others. Men are called to be "servant-leaders" in Christ's image who take on the role of guiding their families in obedience to God while prioritizing all others above themselves. All are expected to give their unquestioning obedience to authority, to the church.
I don't have space to fully break down all the harms that this commandment does to people, but allow me to briefly name some of them: The call to self-emptying denies our rich diversity and enforces conformity to empty, rigid roles. It encourages people to neglect themselves, to pour from an empty cup. It inspires suicidal ideation. It enables abuse.
Self-lessness should not be glorified. It should not stand as our ideal, our pinnacle picture of love. The point of our lives is not to die. It is to live! Together! Gloriously and abundantly and alongside one another.
