A Concept Distillery.

Jamie, 26. Finding my way, somehow.

[androgynousthoughts]

For the first time in my life I feel thoroughly disinclined to pursue a relationship. New people that I talk to just don't seem to have the drive or sense of self-clarity that I now value. These are both things that I'm still working on with myself, but it seems counter productive to find someone a step behind me who might pull me down. Plus they're a lot of work, and I keep myself busy enough. It's nice though, to finally feel secure in myself - I don't feel like I need to rely on others so much. I've also somewhat stopped valuing peoples' opinions when they haven't succeeded in ways that I want to, which has been fun. I guess the nice way of saying it is I'm more careful of what energy I engage with. I'm definitely not trying to be average for the rest of my life.

[androgynousthoughts]

Recently I've found myself returning to a more vulnerable part of myself that I didn't think I would ever see again. It's really nice to know that I haven't lost the scope of emotions I once had, that I'm still full of naivete and wonder, whether that be good or bad. I'm starting to feel love again - for people, skills, hobbies, movements, and myself. I'm in a new part of my life now. I have physical and emotional scars that might never leave. Still, I think I can find peace in that. I feel like my life is just beginning.

[androgynousthoughts]

Gender euphoria is quiet.

I'm two weeks post top surgery today. After the initial influx of congratulations and well wishes (which I'm ever grateful for), the dust started to settle. The first day I was able to shower, I looked at myself in the mirror, and I never could have expected what that moment would feel like.

All the times I had dealt with dysphoria before it was so deafening, I just assumed euphoria would be equally as loud. After watching the videos of people crying when they saw their results, I thought I would prepare myself for both an avalanche of emotions and the absence of it... but it wasn't either of those. As I looked at my real self for the first time, or rather, what I should have been all along, it was like a gentle and unexpected pat on the back. Or the welcome silence after turning off the TV. Or the moment of holding in a loved ones arms. A quiet peace that I didn't know I needed.

Now I wonder, is this what it feels like to have been born cis? It's not that I'm perfect in my own eyes. There's still a lot I want to (and will) change, but there's no fog anymore. I hope everyone can find this same feeling one day.

[androgynousthoughts]

I'm getting top surgery in 12 hours and I'm just in complete disbelief. I have been fretting over logistics and aftercare and preparation but now I'm in a dark room, lying in a hotel bed, with just myself and my body and everything else slowly starts to disappear - I remember how I've wanted this for 8 years and how many times I've imagined myself with that perfect body... it may not be perfect tomorrow and there's still a lot to be mentally prepared for, but it's just unreal to think about.

When I made this blog I called it androgynous thoughts because I was very in between on who I was at the time. But I look back and see everything I've figured out and I feel like I've accomplished so much, and tomorrow, I take the final step.

Time to flip the page.

[androgynousthoughts]

Years pass and here I am again, up at 4am with loud thoughts. They are all over the place but with looming connectivity, like the opening moves of a chess player that I am not experienced enough to read. Time, death, transitions, family, passion, drive, legacy, purpose...

Day by day, nothing seems to change. Yet here I am, 5 years on testosterone, top surgery in a month, teaching music, teaching kung fu, knowing well in my heart my future path - in so many ways so close to the ideal I hoped for years ago - and yet I feel carved hollow by feelings that shouldn't be mine.

Peace and happiness are things you build for yourself. I know this. But I still wait for the right time, swinging in and out of convictions and excuses. The next 45 days hold a place in my head like the extra few seconds of tension in the last exercise you do for the day. I feel taunted by these 45 days of fighting the temptation to be pinned by reflection, to be inactive, to let this little twig shelter of mine collapse.

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I am a different man than I used to be. Not fundamentally. But different to those around me - asleep. A part of me worries that after these 45 days, nothing will change.

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I am usually picky about how I write. When I come here, it's because I'm feeling something important enough to want to remember in the future, but my body hurts and I just don't have the energy today.

[androgynousthoughts]

When you’re young and don’t know you’re trans, it’s so much more than just gender dysphoria.

You see puberty coming, and you know you won’t like it, but you don’t know why. As it’s happening, it feels like all pathways to a fulfilling future slowly start to close. You can start to wear more of what you like and try to act in a way that’s comfortable, but the dissonance between the way you present and the image of who you thought you were make you feel like you’re losing pieces of yourself in fog. Everyone else is coming out more complete on the other side, so why aren’t you?Eventually it gets to a point where you can’t picture a future for yourself, because any possible path you go down doesn’t include... well, you. Time passes and the doors all finally close, and you see no way to move forward.

One day though, you stumble across that one video online, that one post from a stranger on the internet, or run into that one person who is different from everyone in the same way you are. For days you can’t stop thinking about it because the anxiety of knowing you are being drawn to something foreign scares you. But bigger than that is the excitement of finally, finally knowing for certain that you are not alone. You are not the first person that has felt trapped by your fate. And these other people have made it to the other side, which means you can too. And that moment is a jump start to your life, opening the door once again to more possibilities for you than you ever could have imagined.

That’s what it means when people say that transitioning saves lives. It’s not just you as a person that’s saved, it’s all your potential to impact the world too.

To anyone that needs it today, you will come out of this, stronger, more confident, and more you. I did. So will you.

[androgynousthoughts]

It’s been a long time since I’ve been here. Coming back to this space to think like I used to feels like playing an old song - clumsy as it may be, I still hold it in my fingers.

I used to be bigger. I used to hold more, give more, fill more, but I can’t for the life of me remember why. I’ve never been so uninspired by emptiness.

[androgynousthoughts]

I'm two years on t today which is pretty exciting! It's weird though because it doesn't really mean anything to anyone else but me, so I kind of have to celebrate by myself. I'm not really bothered by it but it would be cool to know more trans people.

[androgynousthoughts]

So school is starting soon which I am less than stoked for bc honestly I don't care for formalities anymore, but at this point I just oughta finish what I started so I'll power through it. In other news I'm liking how my stubble is starting to grow in now! It's getting much more even, finally. I've been doing push ups a lot so my arms are looking better, but the tummy is getting its fat back unfortunately - I've yet to find a good form of cardio that's easy on my knees.

I'm not looking graduate with flying colours this year, I just want to take some time to learn myself and enjoy what will probably be my last year of university. Time really flies, and I want to use what I have left well.

[androgynousthoughts]

Over the last few years, I've felt like a hollow shell of my previous self. Tonight, however, I feel just as cocky and elitist as I used to. I've been failed enough emotionally to allow unapologetic bitterness to coat my tongue when I speak. I'm sick of the lack of growth in those around me. Of the laid back attitude of "it will come when it comes". I'm tired of watching people lazily wait for their prime, practicing imperfections until they are permanent without bothering to think for a second about the effect it has on others involved. Emotional awareness is a skill. Personal reflection is a skill. Love is a skill. And I am so tired of having to teach that to everyone around me because they can't use their own fucking brains.

[androgynousthoughts]

The problem with having multiple passions is that you can rarely ever do everything you want to. I feel so unfulfilled.

[androgynousthoughts]

I've been back training again and I feel stronger, more flexible, and generally more fit than ever. Unfortunately I keep getting little roadblock injuries (from spontaneous pains to car accidents) that keep me from going as hard as I would like, but I'm definitely kicking it up a notch in the months to come!

[androgynousthoughts]

Hey self-injectors - any tips for psyching yourself up before doing your shot?

[androgynousthoughts]

I can't believe the year is almost over - it went by so quickly! A lot is changing in my life right now. I'll be switching cities again, my family is shifting, and the process of finding a top surgeon might actually begin. The last week has been hard though, I've felt a lot of hurt from different places that have started to pile up. That being said, winter is over, and I am brighter than before. I'm starting off the summer bright eyed as always, hoping to make the most out of my four months off. I'd love to be able to start hand printing cards that are high enough quality to sell, while continuing my online job to make some extra cash. Getting fit again and improving my kung fu is always high on my list too. I've never been so uncertain of my future before, but I'm tired of being afraid. It will come into focus when it needs to, and I'll be ready to handle it when it does.

[androgynousthoughts]

I worry that I have stopped moving forward, and I fear that I am not the type of person who can find the current again.

[androgynousthoughts]

I've been home for almost a week and a half now and it's actually been really good! I saw my extended family for the first time since starting t and there was no questioning or discomfort. My mom also cross stitched a patch with my nickname to cover up the birth name on my stocking which was really sweet. I've been eating like anyone would expect during the holidays so I sure have a lot to work off, but my mood has been holding up - a pretty uncommon occurence for being home. After next week I won't be back until May so I'm trying to learn a bunch of new recipes to help the homesickness! So far so good 🍳🍰

[androgynousthoughts]

1 year on testosterone today. I've come so far, and I'm still growing in every way that matters.