She noticed it on a Tuesday, and it wasn’t nausea, and it wasn’t anything pretty.
Katara had been doing sums since she was eight. She counted the moon’s days for bending, counted the tents in the village, counted the steps a man crossed to take a lightning bolt meant for her. That Tuesday, sitting on the edge of the bed with her feet on the cold floor, she did the sum and it didn’t add up.
She knew how to confirm it. Had known since she was fifteen, and knew it with her own hands, no doctor, no sage, no one. A water healer feels another body the way she feels the body of a river. Feeling her own is harder, and not impossible.
Katara sat on that bed a long time doing nothing.
That was how Zuko found her, half an hour later, kneeling in the chamber bathroom with her forehead against the cold stone, and what happened on his face was the fastest thing she had ever seen happen on a human face.
— Who served your dinner last night?
— Who served it. — He was already on his feet. — I’ll have the entire kitchen arrested right now and we’ll sort out who it was after.
— Katara, there are seven families on this island who—
The room went very quiet.
She hadn’t even planned to say it. She’d planned to wait, confirm it, choose the moment, find the right words. It came out like that, on the bathroom floor, with the worst taste in the world in her mouth.
He didn’t smile, didn’t cry, didn’t kneel down beside her. He stood in the middle of the bathroom with his hands open at his sides, and Katara watched, with absolute clarity, the exact thought cross that man’s face.
— I’m afraid, — he said. — There. You asked.
— Of this child being born inside these walls.
And Katara, who had spent the whole morning angry at something she still couldn’t name, discovered in that instant it was the exact same thing.
Because the day that turned into an announcement, it would stop being theirs. It would become a line of succession. It would become a date. It would become Councilor Pao Sen rising in a session to congratulate the Crown for finally having delivered what was expected of it.
— I’m not telling anyone yet, — Katara said, from the floor.
It took her three days to tell anyone, and it wasn’t her brother, or her grandmother, an ocean away, or her father.
It was at the house outside the walls, in a small kitchen, with a clay bowl sitting on the table.
Ursa listened to all of it without interrupting. Then she stood, filled a basin with warm water, wet a cloth, wrung it out, and handed it over.
— Put that on your neck. Helps more than people say.
— Aren’t you going to say anything?
— I’ll say one thing. — Ursa sat back down. — I was eighteen and no one asked me anything. When I found out about my first, the first face I saw wasn’t my husband’s. It was a fire sage’s, scroll in hand, wanting to know the expected month.
Katara held the cloth to her neck and said nothing.
— You told my son first. — Ursa poured tea no one had asked for. — Already started off better than mine did.
She went back to the palace late that night.
Zuko was awake, sitting up in bed with a report open on his lap that he obviously wasn’t reading, because it was open to the same page it had been on when she left.
Katara pulled off her boots, sat down beside him, and spent a while looking at the wall.
— Another one. — She pulled her knees up. — I was fourteen when I left the South Pole. Back then, if someone had asked me what I wanted out of life, I’d have said I wanted the war to end and my father to come home. That’s it. That was the size of what I knew how to want.
— The war ended, my father came home, and I should have stopped there. — Her voice went strange. — Except now I have all of this too. I have work that’s mine, a people who listen to me, a nine-year-old girl who calls me sister, a child who doesn’t quite exist yet, and I have you.
She finally looked at him.
— I didn’t even know it was possible to want this much. No one ever taught me to want at this size, Zuko. I learned it from you, and it was from learning it from you that I found out I was allowed to.
Zuko opened his mouth and nothing came out.
— Thank you, — Katara said.
— For all of this. For the life I didn’t know was possible. — She shrugged, and the gesture couldn’t hold the size of the thing, and she knew it. — I know it sounds small. It’s what I’ve got.
It took Zuko a long time to find words, and when he did, he spoke looking down at his own hands.
— I spent my whole life thinking I’d have to earn something before I was allowed to have it. — He swallowed. — You showed up and just… stayed.
— Then don’t thank me. — He finally looked at her, and there was water in his eyes, and he did nothing about it. — I’m still the one trying to figure out what I did to deserve the day your ship docked.
— Nothing, — Katara said. — That’s the whole point.
And she laid her head on his shoulder, the bad taste still in her mouth and the sum still not adding up, and fell asleep before he did, the way she’d fallen asleep since she was a child: fast, deep, and asking no one’s permission.
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