Andy Sandford: Comedian Jokey Talker Person

Andy Sandford is a standup comedian. He is also a man: a man with needs. Get Andy's album, "Me the Whole Time" (℗ 2014 Comedy Dynamics) "The 9 Best Standup Specials & Albums of 2014"-Splitsider "Best of 2014: Best Standup Debut"-The Laugh Button "The Absolute Most Definitive List On The Best Comedy of 2014"-Unscenecomedy.com Tweets by @AndySandford !function(d,s,id){var js,fjs=d.getElementsByTagName(s)[0],p=/^http:/.test(d.location)?'http':'https';if(!d.getElementById(id)){js=d.createElement(s);js.id=id;js.src=p+"://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js";fjs.parentNode.insertBefore(js,fjs);}}(document,"script","twitter-wjs");

[andysandfordcomedy]

Andy Sandford EPK

Bio: Andy Sandford is a comedian who got funny in Atlanta, GA. He then moved to New York City, where he established himself as one of NY’s top tier comics. In 2021, Andy moved back to Atlanta to tape his latest special, Basket Case, which is currently streaming on 800 Pound Gorilla’s YouTube Channel. Sandford has performed his jokes on Conan and The Late Late Show with James Corden, and is a staple on XM/Sirius radio. His debut album, Me the Whole Time; was one of Vulture’s “9 Best Standup Albums of The Year.“ His first hour special, “Shameful Information (2018),” was ranked one of the “Top 50 Standup Specials on Amazon Prime.” Andy has even played an animated version of himself on Adult Swim’s Aqua Teen Hunger Force. The Village Voice called him, “one of New York’s comedic gems;” a nice gesture, but not enough to keep him in New York, for Andy now calls Atlanta home base (sorry NY).

  -“It’s a testament to Sandford’s deep well of material that midway through his album, he’s telling stories that most comics would save for their closers” - The Spit Take

-“It’s been said that the best comedy comes from pain. If that’s really the case, then somebody must have kicked the shit out of Andy Sandford…Sandford is a skillful linguist who carefully plays with pitch, tone and timing to spice up his jokes” - Creative Loafing Magazine

[andysandfordcomedy]

NERDY COMEDY BLORG ABOUT OPENERS

I’m not sure if this is irony or meta: the cold open to a lil comedy blog about openers in standup. And by “openers” I mean the joke, not the people…or animals I suppose. There may be a comedian out there bringing a well trained Scottish terrier to dazzle the crowd with feats of arfleticism…hell I dunno. I know I could never follow a dog with a deep bag of tricks. That takes gigantic balls. Well the balls can’t be *too* big, it is just a little terrier after all.

Ah pickle-stix, I’m already kirfuffling this crapperdoodle of a post. But I leave it as it is, NOT bc I am lazy, but as a way of learnin’ you some sage af wisdom Mr. Miagi style…

8===========>~~~~~~~~~~~~D; (how funny is this btw?) ok sorry, back to it…

You don’t want to do ^that^ on stage (the start to this blog, not the analog dingaling) Don’t open with some half-baked, quirky rumination that is barely worth riffing as an aside when you are a few chunks into your set and things are cookin. You may think “uh that sounds pretty specific and maybe just a ‘you’ problem,” but go watch every comic on a show with this in mind and you’ll notice that it is a VERY common trap for whom the unprepared can’t stop themselves from jumping into. And there in lies the solution: prepare yourself. Try to gauge the room right as you are getting onstage. If you had your set planned out days prior, don’t be afraid to follow your gut if calling an audible at the last second feels like the right move. It never hurts taking time to consider your set, and especially what you are opening with. An opener is in a category all by itself. It has to be funny quickly, yet not get too complicated or drawn out; and yet it carries a heavier burden than most of your other jokes. It sets a precedent for the crowd: how long do I bother paying attention, and how easy is it to listen to this comedian? I have seen funny comics peter out within the first bit just because they burdened the audience with having to pick out the funny themselves.

I will continue preaching the gospel of word economy until it ceases to be a neat term that’s essentially an after thought for many comics, and a totally misunderstood concept for others. Word economy is really at the core of what standup IS. It is what separates material delievered onstage from random conversation, or a rambling blog post such as this. It is the alchemy like process that chisels down and simplifies setting up premises to the necessary wording that will result in hella juice for minimal squeeze, and done consistently over the course of a set makes the whole much greater than the sum of its parts. You no belief me? I can’t stop you from being wrong, I can just tell you it’s silly to keep it up.

Challenge yourself with this task, hotshots: think of the perfect opener you’ve been putting off until now. It needs to get a laugh that is disproportionate to the time spent getting there…AND, peep this: it has to educate the audience on what kind of comic you are. I swear such a thing is possible. Every single comedian has a perfect opener for them, and likely much more than one. But you only have to come up with one and make yourself open with it. I really hope yall give it a shot and I really hope a few actually pluck that pearl of an opener that’s been waiting for you to get shuckin’. A new, perfect opener can give your whole set a new lease on life.

I leave you with an example of an opener from my own journey that kinda got the ball rolling to doing a set on Conan and making my late night debut. I knew I was making a tape for the booker and thought “what would be the best opening line for a late night set that I hadn’t seen before? 🤔 hence came the “this is the first thing I’ve done all day” line.

I was told essentially that the opener made the booker really listen to the rest. So be sure to put all this in your pipe and to smoke it at your leisure. Toodles

[andysandfordcomedy]

5 Rules You Don’t Have to Follow, but will likely make you better at stand up comedy

***Ahoy-hoy! Mi llamo Andy & je suis comedian. Sometimes I will blog a lil comedy thingy like this and some people, likely comedians, tell me they find it helpful. That’s great, but a mere coincidence as I blog these blogs for me. As a reminder of my own principles/opinions/hard earned wisdom by way of experience (I’m old). I’m just putting this little caveat here to let the readers know that you may disagree with me, or think I’m super duper double bubble bug ass wrong…but idgaf, and I don’t wanna hear what you have to say about me bein so wrong. Also, you’re wrong, not me. I’m right about this stuff and little else. That said, here are some “rules” no one has to follow because there are no rules really. You can be as bad at comedy as you want.***

Rule 1: ask yourself, “am I *really* grinding?” Did you answer “yes?” Well, knock it off.

Who are you? This isn’t 8 Mile. No shadowboxing! No grinding! Nnno! a grind is a grind. It sucks. I do comedy all the time because it’s what I want to be doing. This getting a boner over how many sets you got in this week won’t make you a better comedian. It’ll make you think other people must think you’re working hard…does that do something for you? Well, it’s stupid and not anything to work towards. I guess the rule here is never forget that comedy is fun. No one asked you to do this. You don’t ever have to do comedy against your will. If it’s grueling, quit. For real, if what keeps you going is career accomplishments, or how cool you think you’ll look to Jimmy and Janey Applesauce: quit now. The Applesauces are worried about their own Applesauce bullshit. Also, one sure fire way to not do well is to not have fun. So have fun. It’s fun.

2.) Keep it simple. A common mistake many comics make is to try and weave some complicated tapestry that ventures way out the margins and “all comes together” at the end. I put quotes around “all comes together” because it doesn’t. And if it did, there’s no benefit to that. No audience will appreciate how aimlessly yonder bound your bit got in the middle. People, en mass, are kinda dumb (sorry people). It is true though that when people become part of a crowd, they are less discerning in their listening and more so become part of a single organism: the crowd. Do one joke, then the next joke, then the next joke. Keep doing this and don’t complicate it. It is simple (not easy). The more clearly and concisely you get your premise across, the better. Don’t add filler, identify it and cut it. Make yourself easy to listen to, and make sure everything you say is crucial to the joke. The effect of super concise jokes over time equals more than the sum of their parts. Trust me, or don’t. Moving on.

3.) Don’t be a dick to other comics. These are your peers, asshole. You don’t have to respect everybody, but treat everyone with respect. Only talk shit in a very tight circle of homies really late at night. Do not try to big dawg people and act like you having put more time into comedy buys you bully points. That’s gonna backfire real fast when the inevitably funnier comic who started way more recent than you bullies back and you can’t say a damn thing. Don’t be a dick. Don’t do it. Why ya wanna be a dick anyway? Be as cool as possible; especially to newer comics that are openly excited about things you forgot meant something to you once upon a time. Catch some of their comedy placenta goo and rub it in. That’s that pure shit. Being jaded is for fucking losers.

4. Don’t run the light. People often go way over time trying to get one decent laugh to dismount from a laughless set. Why?! Get outta there! It’s a wash. A gymnast doesn’t stumble around on the balance beam, arms flailing, racking their nuts, and then nail a dismount to save the routine. No, they blew it already, and imagining that is way funnier than your dismount joke taking you way into overtime. Also, the light is a light so that no one has to hear about it. Do not announce that you’re getting the light. It’s not clever or subversive in some way. It’s just unprofessional.

5. It is always a good time to be professional. I understand the temptation at an all comic open mic to be the kid at the back of the class giving the least fucks. I laugh at that person too and appreciate them, but I don’t ever wanna be them. It takes no balls to not give a shit. No skill. There is a different sort of satisfaction to go up 10th at a shitty open mic where everyone is throwing it and tryin to cool guy riff, and you just work out material like you give a shit and make the whole room feel dumb. That feeling is palpable, and it’s a different kind of killing. It’s what ya want, trust me. Or don’t trust me AGAIN. My point is, why do this thing just to not really be doing it in the face of it being hard? If it were easy, everyone would be great, but everyone isn’t. Very few are great, and when you see them you know. It takes time and serious effort and tinkering to get really good, but it’s the best tbh. Comedy is only more fun to me with almost 16 years under my belt. I don’t get that excited when I do well enough to find no fuck ups; I feel content. It’s better than feeling stoked because I know it’s not outside the norm. That’s that shit IMO.

Anyway, that’s all. Just bloggin around. Toodles.

-Andy

[andysandfordcomedy]

2022 I bid you adieu

(badass album cover by Ben Ziskind)

(me after first surgery. August 2020)

I’ll be honest with you, trusting reader: it feels pretty good to do one of these end of the year posts without the all too familiar “good riddance, this stupid ass year and hello, arbitrarily numbered upcoming year: Imma make you my BITCH!” At a certain point, the disingenuous core of that fake attitude shines through and it’s just a bit cringy. I can’t help but fall into the trap of assigning meaning to this year because it just so happens to be proof in a 3 year cup of pudding for me. 2020 was so fucking rough for me, and I was not in the mood to overcome all that bullshit (Crohn’s flare up, addiction issues, 2 surgeries, 3 months with a colostomy bag, intensely alone and depressed the whole time) just to get to a starting point of 0 for what I needed to do: build, workout, and eventually tape my best hour. I built and worked it out after moving to Atlanta in March of 2021, recorded in February 2022, and after some bullshit, finally released in November of 2022. It feels so goddam good to be able to say that. And not only that, but with all the tracks in rotation on 3 different channels on XM and an amazing jump off with 6 full album spins (meaning whole album played straight through 6 times) in week one. That’s the way to start the day right there(woo!).

I’m not one for heavy spiritual overtones, but if I hadn’t already had experience in setting goals that were just beyond the horizon and with no road map to guide me toward accomplishing those goals, I don’t know if I could have followed through with how far past the horizon and how vague the path was to get to where I hoped to get on this particular trial and tribulation. I really felt on the cusp of letting myself wither away in my room in bedstuy OR following the pull of the intuitive compass inside my chest pulling me towards Atlanta, towards the Earl, towards the people I needed to work with, and toward a very specific career path that I would be the first person I know to prove to myself it’s a viable one. I know that sounds crazy, or maybe dramatic, but I don’t know anyone that made the same plans as me, much less someone to watch pave the away ahead of me, reassuring me that it’s doable. Now I know that it’s more doable than I had initially hoped, which never fucking happens to me. 

Ok, I will try not to be vague here for the sake of others wondering what career paths are viable in stand up comedy. Of course, I think everyone should know that there truly is no set path to “making it” and I don’t even know what you have in your head as what “making it” is, but everyone should come to terms with the good and bad sides of how true that is, that there is no set path to a comedy career. On one end, you need not be discouraged if you don’t seem to fit what is often portrayed to be the path to comedy success. If you are like me and mysteriously unbookable for all supposed comedy stepping stone up & coming comedians on the rise/look out for these new faces of comedy’s future showcase festivals as decided by industry gate keepers with the power to “make” whoever they think they’ve discovered...don’t worry. Not only is it possible to have a career without being tapped by a future outted sex offender type, that whole model is completely hollow. That is all pomp and pageantry that doesn’t predict the future of comedy at all. On occasion, they happen to see the talent in a talented person that would’ve gone onto to do big things with their talent regardless, and then people reverse engineer what was causation and correlation or whatever. My point is, don’t fucking shed one tear over not getting New Faces, or wonder if you should quit because Comedy Central told you in a meeting that they just don’t know what to do with you, but hey you are funny. And yes, that’s me I am referencing there. My intuition told me to let my stubbornness take the wheel and laugh at those execs when they said that to me, because at the time Comedy Central was everything and to accept reality at that moment would mean I was just informed for sure that I had no chance at a career in comedy. Luckily, I have to do this anyway, and as it turned out, Comedy Central ain’t shit now and is only going to be less relevant to anyone in the world of stand up going forward. That’s the good part about there being no set path: you can’t know for a fact that you’re screwed. The downside is of course that you can’t be sure what is a viable approach until you know where that approach leads. And now I will stop gumflappin and explain my personal path I’ve decided to thwack through the comedy woods.

One aspect of comedy that you can bet your bottom dollar on is that you can’t really rely on shit. Everything is so precarious and quick-sandy. So many big things almost happen before the bottom falls out. Even live shows that you have already done make you nervous until that check clears. One of the only dependable sources of income in comedy for me personally has been residuals through the world of comedy audio. Over the years, my monthly sound exchange deposit has only become more and more crucial to my survival, and it’s at the heart of any possibly viable shot at making the kind of passive income where I could do more than just get by, but could actually see myself having real money to retire on and continue to grow. It took a couple albums that I worked very hard on and years of experience learning how XM and Pandora and the world of comedy audio itself works to not just be able to pay my rent and bills with my monthly deposit, but to see a path and timeline that could be very lucrative and actually doable, though not easy at all. In 2018, I released my second album and first special, Shameful Information, and my first album, Me The Whole Time, was still getting played on XM quite a bit, so for 2018/19 I was averaging an all time high for me on my monthly deposits. Well life kept happening to me as it does, and I had never had to think along the lines of any timeline beyond check to check my whole life, so yada yada, by the time pandemic hit and my deposits started to dip down some and I had no other income, and no plan or real possible way to be ready to record a next album that would be anywhere up to snuff, much less better than my last one (always my goal), I had to think about how to start gettin busy working toward my next best hour, and I knew that best case scenario, I wouldn’t have a whole grip of new tracks being added to rotation for at least a couple years. And as things tend to go, I was thrown into much worse than the best case scenario, so it’s really a miracle that I only had to suffer a more or less 5 year gap. The longest gap I will ever allow moving forward, I assure you. However, even with that damn near 5 year gap, I am still covering rent and bills with my deposit having no tracks newer than 2018. That goes to show the staying power of comedy audio if you put in the effort to make a good album. That showed me that if I can bust my ass to record a quality album every 2 to 2 and a half years, I won’t just be playing catch up, I will be stacking paper more and more with each album. 

Basket Case came out in November, and I will start getting money from those tracks in February and March, and my hope to get back to where I was in 2018/19 and then work on the next album to put me over that mark turned out to be wrong in the best way. The good news is, I will be making the money I hoped to be making in 2024/25 by February 2023. That is wonderful news, but no reason to think I added time to the clock. It’s all about keeping the quality up anyway, but that happens to be an obsession of mine that I can’t not shoot for. I’m just putting all this down on record here to let whoever needs to know that a career in comedy without fame or celebrity or the average person even knowing who you are is very possible. I am that comedian. Only comedy nerds know me, and I really don’t mind that at all. I want everyone who would love my shit to be able to find my shit and see me in person. Beyond that, everyone else can kick rocks. I don’t need em. I’ve been poor as shit most of my life, and I am about to be richer than I ever thought I would be. I feel lucky as hell that I can’t help myself from doing what some would consider an insane amount of work, but it isn’t work to me. It never will be. That’s dumb luck, ya know?

Do me a favor: Don’t follow your fucking dreams. Dreams are nonsense: follow your obsession, and figure out some way to satisfy that obsession so that it pays you well enough to not have to actually work just so that you can do that thing. If that isn’t possible in the end, turn to non-violent crime. That’s what I’d do. Anything but soul draining jobs that make other people money. Do whatever you can to have money and not let money have you. Don’t be afraid to lean toward the less safe route. Having a financial safety net won’t save you from being miserable. Do whatever ya gotta do, just don’t do what you wanna do any less. That’s all you’ll regret in the end, believe me. You heard it here: 2023 is gonna be great. Imma start dispensing rhyming wisdom, for real. 

Follow your obsession, fight off your depression.

toodles 2022!

-Andy

[andysandfordcomedy]

Thanks for the write up, Comedy Bureau!

[andysandfordcomedy]

Standup Musings: Openers

Openers are probably the weirdest part of stand up to me. Whatever I say seems disingenuous, because the audience came to see comedians, and here I am, a comedian doing my comedy. I don’t know why but it’s just weird, and only the opening is weird to me. A comedian never looks silly just doing comedy to me, except for the opener. My best openers have either mocked the idea of an opener, or got past the opener hump so quick and smoothly that boom, we’re somehow past that already. I like when ya get em with a good opener, but I dislike having to, ya know? I’m sometimes tempted to open with, “don’t worry, I’m good.”

Two of my favorite openers are from Kyle Kinane: “so, this is what I look like.” And Myq Kaplan: “Thank you for that round of applause. Let’s have another one when I’m done.” 

Ever since my second or third year of doing comedy, I have purposely written as many openers as I can. All of which with the same goal of sounding like something a comedian would open with and then taking a turn somehow. Some that I remember are...

-”It’s good to be here right now, because earlier, I was back there *point to back of the room* and NO ONE noticed I was telling jokes.”

- “how are you guys doin tonight?...uhh, ok I believe you.”

-”*set mic stand off to the left* how are you guys doin tonight? (crowd cheers) ummm, I was talking to them *point to a couple to my immediate left*...but ok”

-”Give it up for the comics you’ve seen...Now really give it up for me tho!” 

- “Heyyy...how am I doin on time? Ok, I’ll leave you with these...”

- “I never know what to say up front. But comedy is a form of public speaking, and I read this book on public speaking once that said with most public speaking it’s good to start with something funny, like a joke...Damn, I shoulda done that.” (either works or bombs)

-(after following any comic who is nothing like me) “This is awkward, but the last comic just closed with MY opener. Guess I’ll have to wing it.”

-(brought on stage to very not-me song) “Thank you, thank you for playing the song I requested.” (fav song I did this to was “Ante Up”)

- “Good to be here, things are goin well for me career-wise. Last week, I shot a pilot. That’s nothing to brag about really, but, I also landed the plane... Again, not tryin to brag, but I killed a man, took his job. Not easy to do.” (was my opener on my album “Me the Whole Time”

- “Hey guys, here’s a lil joke I do...”

- “I’ll be honest, this is the first thing I’ve done all day.” (did this opener on Conan and I think it helped me get booked) 

- “Feelin pretty good, just got my 4th Moderna shot.” (booster shots killed this opener)

Comedy is so fun when you have a perfect/fun/timely opener, and so frustrating when you don’t. I’m about done opening with “it’s been a few years but I think 2020 is almost over,” and I don’t have an opener I’m excited about on deck as of yet. Farting into the mic is such a risk, and makes it hard to follow yourself; And “I ain’t scared of you mfers” has already been done. I like telling jokes to people, but I don’t like initiating conversation in any context; even when it’s my favorite thing to do, and how I make a living. That’s what makes me come up with an opener at all: the fact that if you want to do a set, you have to have an opener. I could do the CK “open with your old closer” thing, but it seems weird opening with “ok, I’ll get outta here on this.”

Ok well I’ll get outta here on that.

Toodles,

-Andy 

[andysandfordcomedy]

Pacing & Crowd Burnout

I have received some thanks and kudos after my last post about things to keep in mind while writing jokes, so here is another comedy nerd article about something that isn’t often talked about; or at least I haven’t heard much discussion on it: pacing. I’m not talking about the speed at which you disseminate your jokes, though that is important. I’m referring to something that you really only have to deal with when headlining. When you are doing 45-50 minutes up to an hour, you will notice that you usually can’t just plow straight through with material. The attention span of the average decent crowd can’t handle listening to a host (10 min), guest spot (7-8 min), feature (20-25 min) THEN you (45-hour). This is why comics will get feature swollen head syndrome. Enough people come up to them after the show and say, “I thought you were better than the headliner.” If you’re not careful, you’ll start to believe it; and maybe it is true, but at the very least there’s an asterisk or two that you have to consider. For whatever reason, crowds don’t want to like the host, and all the pressure is on the headliner to make it a great show. That leaves the lowest of expectations with the most amount of time in the middle of the show when you really don’t need to consider pacing or wearing them out, and the host has warmed em up (or dug a hole) for 10. You can just drop hammers for 25 minutes and blow the crowd a kiss on your way off stage. Well, don’t go into your first headlining gigs thinking you’ll do the same thing but more of it. 

In terms of pacing, in a set that is 10 minutes or less, you can jump around all you like. In a 15-20 up to 30 minute set, you probably want to start chunking your material for your own sake, and it will make you easier to listen to; plus you’re definitely going to have to chunk your material for headline sets, so you might as well start early. If you have 5 minute chunks of material, that means a 45 minute set list will only be 9 words. That is much easier to remember or to digest than 45 different words for every minute long joke. Now, on this theoretical 9 word set list, you may want to put a bold dash after the 5th or 6th word to mark when to pull back. 

What is pulling back? Jesus, I’m gonna tell you (jk). That is what I have defaulted to for lack of a better term to describe the point in time in a headline set when I pull back from doing material and riff around a bit. If all goes to plan, I won’t be sacrificing any laughs, I’ll just be getting laughs from different types of things other than material. For me, I usually riff about the room itself if it is kinda weird, or the town we’re in, or crowd work in the rare case that I feel that is what is necessary to wrangle their attention. What this does is gives the audience a break from listening to material without them really noticing. Usually I will do one of my story type bits after this 2-3 minutes of riffing to ease them back into my set. 

I find the best time to “pull back” is about 25-30 minutes into the set. I will even do a closer of sorts at the 30 minute mark, almost like I’m doing a feature set, then pull back and riff, then story bit, then jokes up until my merch pitch if I have merch, then the closing chunk. I have found this is the best way for me to get consistent laughs throughout the set without having a good bit die due to the audience being burnt out on listening. I have called an audible before and pulled back to riff earlier in the set because it just felt like it was the right time to. I have also riffed around and did crowd work for longer because it seemed like they needed the break, or I had stumbled onto an interesting conversation with a crowd member. That is pretty rare for me though because I normally abhor crowd work. I do it when I need to and find usually that I am pretty good at it, I just hate putting so much in the crowd’s hands. If you are a crowd work comic but not sure when to go into it, I would recommend the pull back method. 

When doing an hour+, I will pull back twice. Once at 20 minutes in, and again at 40 or 45. You can do whatever you want, but I would definitely recommend you do something, because audience burn out is a  very real phenomenon and only the headliner has to deal with it, (along with a check drop at a lot of clubs). If you didn’t know anything about it, you may mistakenly think you just suck and that people wouldn’t burn out if you were funny enough. I have been able to step on the gas for an hour straight, but I can count the number of times that has happened on one hand. I think it’s a safe bet to count on some crowd burn out and prepare for it because there is no downside to getting extra laughs from riffing anyway. I think the best sets for me are ones that coincide with shows where people ask me,  “you did an hour? No way,” because it went by fast. Riffing at the right time has that effect of making someone feel like even the non-jokes were funny. When riffing is just a different joke muscle. It’s all jokes, but only I need to think about that, ya know?

Well, that’s all the thought for food I have for y’all. 

Toodles!

-Andy

[andysandfordcomedy]

Some Things To Consider While Writing Jokes

Lately I have been doing one on one Joke Machine sessions with comics of all levels where I go over all the material they send me and see if we can improve upon that material. I’ll also watch a set they send and give feedback. It’s been interesting and very informative to see the different ways people stray from doing their best stuff the best way. Generally speaking, the comics who came to me were concerned with self awareness and open to criticism. That allows them to progress so much further than someone who would scoff at the very idea of doing that. I have a lot of respect for comics willing to do whatever it takes to get better. 

Earlier this month I was asked by Blue Ridge Comedy Club in Bristol, TN if I would be able to do a 3 hour joke writing seminar. Having recently done those Joke Machine sessions with comics turned out to be crucial in putting together a 3 hour lesson plan of sorts. That brings me to this: an attempt at a condensed version of that seminar. Just some things to keep in mind and steps to consider when writing jokes that I think will help you no matter what your particular style is. and with that; a caveat of sorts: I cannot make you funnier than you are. I can’t tell you how to guarantee yourself a successful comedy career. I can tell you that the most important aspect to a succesful comedy career is being good at comedy. I mean, really really good. Better than what anyone would expect. Try to get into a mindset of constant progression. Always try to envision what the better you looks like, and then be that you the next time you’re on stage. It’s the only way I know of to reach the level necessary to do comedy professionally. Ok, let’s get into it.

1st RULE TO WRITING JOKES: YOU MUST WRITE 

This is something people don’t like to hear. Many comics, when asked about their writing process, will say something to the effect of “I don’t really sit down to write.” Just know that this is bullshitting yourself. If you want to get good at something hard, you can’t be afraid to dive in and work. The time you spend on stage is a fraction of the time you put into your act, or should be. Set aside a couple hours every day to sit down and write. You will find that you can’t force your creativity to a tight schedule. That’s ok, don’t let that stop you from trying. When you are in a groove/the zone/whatever...when things are popping, RIDE THAT OUT. Cancel appointments if you have to. The time spent in the zone has to be maximized. That is as important as sitting down to write every day. Don’t bring things to a halt while you are in a groove and think that you will resume that creative rush later: you won’t. So, big takeaway here is write often, and when in a groove, ride it out. 

TALK OUT THE JOKE AS YOU WRITE IT

Stand up is only written to be spoken. As you are writing, talk out the joke. Find a comfortable rhythm. Find that perfect wording and assess each line. Always keep in mind that the joke’s final form is vocal. I personally hate writing in coffee shops for this reason. I can’t say messed up shit out loud in a coffee shop. I like writing outside if the weather is nice. If that’s not doable, I write at my desk. If you are able to, try to have a dedicated office space where everything you do while sitting at that desk is career related. The second you get away from important things and start dorking around on facebook, get away from the desk.  

WORD ECONOMY

My definition of word economy may be more in depth than other people’s, but it isn’t about just making everything shorter or using less words. Yes, conciseness is key, but overall just always consider every line you say. Does that line serve a purpose? Does it need to be said? Could it be said better? Remember that a setup is just the information needed to get the joke. If you can make the setup funny while being concise, perfect, but it’s more important that it is concise. One thing that helps me is to write jokes in outline form. Write down only the lines you know you need to say and have a space in between them. Then think, “get from this line to the next line as quickly and naturally as possible.” I find if I write down the transitional sentences I get hung up on them. It helps me to think of everything I say filling a balloon up with air, so the longer it takes me to get to the next laugh, the bigger the pop(laugh) should be. Sometimes I won’t be comfortable with how much setup is required to get to a mediocre pop, so I will find an “on the way” joke to get a little pop along the way. That visualization seems to help a lot of people I have shared it with. 

STEP 1 TO WRITING ANY JOKE: IDENTIFY THE PREMISE

If I were to ask you, “what’s the premise of the joke,” do not say “well first I say this...” No, I mean the concept of the joke. The idea that is funny. If you just come up with something that’s funny, assess it and be able to explain why. You don’t want to have to explain why it’s funny to an audience, but you should be able to explain what is funny so that you can find the best way to get that premise across to people. Drill that into your head: Know the premise. KNOW THE PREMISE. Know the premise. 

STEP 2: HOW MUCH MEAT DOES THIS PREMISE HAVE?

As you identify the premise, consider how much meat there is to that premise because that will determine what kind of joke it should be. You may think you have majority of the joke figured out and then need to stop and zoom out. Ask yourself, is this actually one aspect of a much wider premise than I originally thought? If so, the rest of the joke may kind of write itself. 

STEP 3: GET THE JOKE TO A STAGEWORTHY FORM

Remember to keep talking out the joke vocally and find that wording that works. Don’t work it most of the way out and put a pin in it. Get the joke to a point where you can try it on stage. Don’t put too much on yourself. Doing any joke for the first time is an undertaking, but you have got to follow through and write a complete joke once you start. Not doing that is a really bad habit. Once you try the joke on stage, consider what worked/what didn’t, then change the joke as necessary, and when you do: make sure you have a new complete version to try. Remember that a joke is always malleable. You can always change it/make it better. Do new jokes right up top. You may want to open with something reliable to get em first, but then do the new thing. Don’t put off doing the new thing. If you are confident in how funny it is, go ahead and open with it. 

KEEP IT SIMPLE

Stand up is just one premise presented to completion, then another premise presented and performed to completion. One after another. Over and over and over. Don’t make it more complicated than that. Don’t try to weave some complicated tapestry filled with little half baked joke ideas and expectations from the audience. Keep it simple, crisp, and clear. This joke, then this joke, then this joke. One after another. That’s it. 

HAVE FUN

I have learned over 15 years of comedy that the one way to make sure you don’t do well is to not have fun doing it. If you can see that this show is gonna be a nightmare, find a way to make it a fun nightmare. It’s the only way to do well. The good news is: this is always possible, I promise. You will bomb occasionally: There is no escaping it. Do not concede to bombing though. Don’t speed through parts of the joke to get to the part you think they’ll like. If you don’t like how things are going, slow down. If things are going well, speed up a little. 

[andysandfordcomedy]

My special is out and I am over the damn moon. I wanted to do an album/special back in early 2020, then was wrecked by Crohn’s Disease, 2 surgeries, 3 months with a colostomy bag, losing 65lbs and bein at death’s door. Looked already dead. That, combined with pandemic made me momentarily forget what it is I do. I had to listen to sets of myself at the top of my game to remind myself. I never thought I’d be kept from the stage for so long.

After my second surgery on Thanksgiving 2020, and with a couple months of healing under my belt, I was getting stir crazy. I was still not physically strong enough to walk faster than a zombie, and still had a hole in my side that the end of my intestines was poking out of just two months prior, but I knew that some drastic moves had to be made to get this album done. NYC, my home for the previous decade, was gonna be going through too much for too long to accommodate my needs. I decided moving to Atlanta was where my compass was pointing me. It turned out to be just a different set of challenges, but I know it was the right move. It’s funny that no matter what, I find myself in this strangely comfortable pocket of being the only one that understands what I’m doin. I was genuinely surprised when I picked up on people’s perceptions that I was in some kinda of slump, or charging phase. Was asked when I was moving back to NY a lot. Only now are other people starting to see the fruits of my labor that I knew were coming. I still have the ten years I spent in NYC with me. I had to move there and swim with monsters in order to broaden my perspective and be around so many talented, hard working people. The sense of progression I have become accustomed to hasn’t left me or been dialed down. Quite the opposite. Now starts phase 2 of me being here, and it involves the scene as a whole more than myself, since I’ve set myself up how I hoped. I look forward to bugging the shit out of comics here, in the way that benefits the scene as a whole. I need to work out a 4th album in about a year and a half that tops this one. Woof, I hss as be a hard time visualizing that rn, but I already know what happens when I keep pushing forward. It’s happened 3 times now. Stands to reason I’ll do it again.

[andysandfordcomedy]

Blogging for posterity

I've been slept on plenty, and lemme tell ya, that's where you wanna be. If you are good at what you do and people tell you you're owed recognition, or fame, or industry attention, those people don't know that people in general do not care. It’s not that weird that someone is actually better than status might imply. In fact, that’s the yoosh. It's rare to see a comedian that struck a chord with you and blew you away, but it happens. Just out of an obsession to be good at this shit, I have blown some people's minds that found themselves laughing at my shit despite thinking comedy was dumb or cringe or something lame before. And they act like I might be surprised, but of course I'm not. I know what i'm doing, and that person doesn't. I didn't fuck up a lifetime of things to be mediocre at the one thing I do know about. People wish they could choose what to laugh at, but they can't really. You can learn to entertain groups of people you can't even stand sometimes. It's a skill you hone to be good at your job. I have no clue what proper recognition feels like, but it seems scary to have people think you are as good as you actually are. 

I dunno how to do my best without thinking about the folks waiting for you to be not shit. This pandemic has changed shit, and people, but it also simplifies your goals. Makes you reaffirm a standard or maybe raise your standard outta nowhere. If other people knew my best stuff was really just as good as it could be despite my tiny mistakes throughout, and cowardliness in not being good enough to tackle certain stuff yet...you'd assume I was beating myself up. But that's totally true. Only you know really how good you are on all cylanders. I'm flattered that people can appreciate my past stuff and I can be proud of it cuz it meets a certain standard, but I can always tell when I make a ;leap right before or while I'm making it. I love that feeling more than anything. Like you know a lil secret. I think stand up has been kicked so hard being as unnecessary as it is during a pandemic, that those of us who need it and lives are attuned to constantly working on it are kinda over this bullshit. If you think stand up is lame or cringey and are embarrassed by it, please don't tell me about it, becuase you're dead ass wrong and it angers me tbh. I purposely do stand up in a way that makes sure I'm not a fuckin goober. As a crowd of people, you really don't have much choice in the matter. If you're listening, I will probly get you. Some humor is just higher truth solidified. Laughter is involuntary. I will trick you if I want to, most likely. The art is tricking you into the stuff I want to be discussed and pondered later etc. I miss tricking people en mass, big time. The few sets I've done have reminded me that rust shakes right off when it's preceded by 13 years of diligence. Comedy is so terribly needed, and I can't wait to be at full steam again. 

I'm sitting on my best material I've ever had, and writing the stuff I've been wanting to write for a while. As soon as I get back to Jedi mode, put together and record it as an album, I already know it will be better than the last two things I did. I wasn't sure about that before, but I know when a feeling means something and I know when I am right cuz it so rarely happens. It's a perfect time to remind everyone that you can't fake the funk. Good can be good enough to set itself apart and be undeniable. It's true. If you don't think stand up can be artful, I pity you. When you see a master midstroke or brush up on brilliance yourself, you can feel it. If you come back to doing comedy after all this and find yourself feeling set back and lost, you just dunno that you can be ten times better tomorrow if you just knew what that'd look like. I guess my point is that if you have it in you to dive back into the pursuit of comedy, why not put thought into everything? Why not give a shit? There's gonna be early mics filled with self defeated comics that are almost embarrassed to try. There always is. You know, I've never regretted acting like I'm trying and making the jokes good. Jokes work when you can relax and trust the joke teller. I can't hardly listen to comics that half apologize for being up there. I've reached a point where if you ask me for notes then buckle up, cuz I will tell you everything that went wrong and you may not be ready to know it's more than you suspected. I can appreciate the ability to take a hard knock on the chin and see the truth in it. That's who survives in this racket. 

It'd just be great to remind everyone of what they've been neglected. 

If you appear to be hustlin, make sure there's purpose. Wasted energy on the grind without much thought is so exhausting. I'm too old to pretend to be grinding around. I love what I do, it's never been a grind to me. I get a lot out of the process and have proven to myself too many times that you can set your sights on something out of reach and will yourself to it by just being legit. No one wants to hear they can always be better, and no one wants to hear they are not better enough yet...but yer not. Embrace the humbling experience of something extremely hard. You know when you have leveled up, cuz everyone else is surprised. It's the best to know you could be that much better and then turn out to be right. Once you are competent at all, no one is gonna tell you where your best is. They couldn't possibly know. 

I don't mean to ramble but I guess this is how I solidify what I know to be true. I reassign my faith in honing a craft, I guess. I have benefited from it too many times to not know that it works. I can feel it in my body when I know exactly what to do next, and I am tellin y'all no one is ready to be hit with excellence rn. When every word is crucial and every laugh is hard hitting, you can feel when you've wrecked shop. People act like you were being rough on them for not letting up. That's way better than good set. It's worth trying to leave a crater than to just pass as a competent stand up comedian. WTF does that mean anyway? You can be competent at HVAC repair, why even do stand up if you aren't trying to make a mark? Half assing is so lame and a waste of time and the opposite of cool. Some of us need this, and need to be always getting better, and you are in the way if you can't even pretend to care. If you don't know what you get out of it, don't do it. If you don't like the people it puts you around, please quit. If you think it's all rigged and bullshit then goddam get out of the game. But I will make it as hard as possible to say skill is hardly important. There's no other reason I would have gotten anything. Trust me, nobody was trying to give me a single thing. I had to take everything I wanted and ignore what didn't matter. Sounds dramatic, but it kinda is. 

I came into comedy from a low so low that no experience from comedy could compare to my lowest, and so I just trudged along constantly progressing and soon enough, I transcended a "type" by just being much better than anyone might assume. I dunno if it sounds cocky, but that's really how people see you when you just let em know on stage. I love saying nothing offstage and letting your act speak for you. Anything that is not your act can often hinder you anyway. If you shutup, be nice, and then make your standard seen in your work, people will be more inclined to root for you. You never have this shit nailed. A humbling experience is just around the bend, but avoiding being humbled is like the stoppage of growth. I am rip roarin excited to jump back on my shit and I will fistfight any and all naysayers. Let's raise the bar on this return of standup. Take the risk of giving a shit and see how that feels. I have never regretted trying hard. It's only paid off. Of course this is all for myself but I hope others might take away something. 

[andysandfordcomedy]

Pandemic Worry and btw I am Moving

This pandemic is starting to mess with my head-down brand of optimism. I pursued stand up as a career and people immediately thought I was crazy, stupid, or both those and much more. I was the first to move to NYC from the Atlanta scene and people half expected me to move back after making no headway. Well, it's been 13 years doing comedy and 9 years living in NYC and now everyone is like "your industry is doomed. What are you gonna do now?" Well, I'm gonna do what I've always done: Plan A. And if that doesn't work out, I dunno, make it work out of spite?...commit crimes(again)? I make Plan A work cuz there's never been a plan B, ya dicks. I'm not brave, I'm single-minded and hate doing shit I don't wanna do. I dunno what comedy will look like after all this, but I'll be doing comedy, even if it means a financial hit like I never imagined and have to live off even less-livable income. I'm 37 and have honed  very few employable skills. The one I got good at is the least respected art form after poetry that rhymes. If stand up comedian is no longer a job title (something dating apps and Tax forms have already decided), then I will trade sexual favs for money and get on whatever stage will let me, or perhaps when no one's paying attention I can sneak up there for a few jokes. 

I dunno, I really don't like when people are doubtful out loud about what I'm gonna do. You life-preparing nerds don't realize that me and most of my friends thought we would be dead by now. I've been wingin it this whole time. I can adapt to a lot. I'd worry about the hellscape of *your* careers post-Covid. They're tryin to wipe student debt because they know it was a huge waste of money to begin with (except for the friends you made along the way). I could land some random zoom corporate gig and be up huge, while salary workers get all their time squeezed from them and could be let go for no reason. Whatever state comedy is in, it will always be hard and only so many people will be really good at it. I've gotten enough crowds to laugh at me on purpose for enough years to believe I know what I am doing. I admit to not knowing most things, but when it comes to the thing I DO know about, I'm more than all in. You would have to be high off your ass to know me at all and not know that I am way too stubborn to fail at something I actually took the time to learn. Honestly, I don't play chess because I got good enough at chess to beat morons and people who have forgotten the game mostly, but I am beaten by really good players who take the time to study and stay sharp. What a nightmare it is to be decent enough at something. There are a ton of decent enough comedians and I dunno what drives them. Comedy is a very humbling experience that never stops humbling you. It’s brutal, really. It's almost like it can't let you think you've figured it out. Other interests aren't like that. people don't get into crosshatching to find out that you didn't know a damn thing about crosshatching for like 5 years, and then crosshatching in NY or LA is like starting over almost. The very fact that I have proposed this ridiculous analogy is a product of comedian brain logic: to crystallize a premise and get it across by simplifying it for people. Some comics are all analogies. Can you imagine your coworker having to explain how one thing is kinda like another thing if ya think about it? Like all the time?

No, you don't know my coworkers, and you couldn't handle them either. You don't know club bookers, producers and the like that I have had to deal with. No one likes a snake in the grass, so imagine the snake that has to scam from comedians who fight to be paid pretty much always less than we are worth. I've been told, "yeah but you aren't Steve-O" and then had to have a whole conversation about what sub-Steve-O money I'd be getting. I am proudly NOT Steve-O. I get the point is that Steve-o will sell out a weekend whilst I will have numbers reflecting time of year/weather/the circus being in town...in other words, I won’t be a huge draw to non-comedy nerds, but I will do a much better job than Steve-O or the like for the people that come out. Also Steve-O stole my closer where I staple my nutsac to my leg.  I've had to babysit drunks, stop fights, start fights, threaten, charm, and appease some idiot heckler that he wasn't an idiot for heckling me, if that’s what gets the show moving. I've given up relationships for comedy and taken on burdening relationships for it. It's been my whole life, or what of it is worth a shit.

People gathering in crowds in low ceiling rooms and laughing a bunch is a scary thought for most right now. I dunno if we'll ever be as gross as we were before all this, but I do cornily believe that comedy is necessary for people, at the very least to convince them they would probably be good at it. Whatever the landscape of comedy is, I will be up in there somewhere and will be a big enough asshole about it to take pride in what I'm doing. So if stand up turns into instagram story hot takes, then I'll do my version of that, and it will have to be good or I’ll stop. 

People get annoyed that unfunny comedians find success, and I dunno how to explain to comedians that they are not actually jealous of the comic who they think sucks because of the success one might presume they have. Imagine being so entrenched in comedy that you don't even know regular people don't follow it. If fame and fortune are your comedy goals, you are a goddam idiot. It is a conman's job. I trick people all the time and lie to them just to make them laugh at my jokes. I have entertained a crowd of strangers I did not like for hours at a time, countless times. And as fucked up as it is, not tricking people etc. for such a long stretch has fucked with me mentally. Considering making broad announcements in public just to herd a crowd.

Comedy is not my therapy. If I could go to and stick with therapy, I probably would've never tried stand up. I don't need this to fulfill my creativity and create joy yada yada. I need this so I don't end up running an illegal card game again, or try to be the best at doing drugs again. It sounds silly to say comedy saved my life, but it shifted everything at a crucial time for me and gave me something to dump all my energy into. So I guess I do often refuse to give into comedy pessimism, even when it's the fun kind. I don't pretend to be embarrassed of what I do, or play it off as "some dirtbag mumbling out ma dick jokes." If I am never too cool for this shit, you are definitely not too cool to care about it. I may even be a dirtbag with dick jokes, but I know what all goes into jokes too well to shit on what I'm doin. Even if you are a comedian I don't much care for (rare, really) I don't want to hear you badmouth stand up in general. If you are doing it well, you won't feel embarrassed at all. PSA comedians: if we get comedy back, please don't pretend to be ashamed to promote yourself either. Who gives a shit? Like it is dumber than any other status er tweet. Let’s just all agree to not do things that annoy me. 

I don't think I mentioned this, but my lease in NY ends March 1st and I am not renewing. I am gonna live in Atlanta for a little bit to have a better/more likely place to work out and record the album I was getting together this time last year. NY is still my home, but I feel it's gonna be the very last place to have live comedy anywhere near full capacity. At least down south, outdoor shows will be doable by March. I am not against indoor shows, but have to be pretty certain they are actually distanced. I'm hoping not to have to make that call where I decide if it's worth risking disease to have 1 too many people laugh at my funny make em ups. I hope I am wrong and I end up moving back to BK earlier than I thought, but I don't see that happening.

What I do see happening (that could be good) is: shit like this thins out the herd. That goes for comedians and comedy business ventures/sketchy bookers/clubs/vultures etc. Anybody fuckin with comedy 100% after all this is definitely in it cuz they love it (too much probly). Gatekeepers will change, gates themselves will change. I wouldn't worry too much about the shifting sands. They've always been shifting. I'm not some fat old chickenhawk telling the young ones "don't worry, it'll all work out." It doesn't for most. That's just the nature of the game. I have forgotten more mediocre comedians than most will ever meet. I'm just sayin the rules don't change as far as funny is funny. You can't fake it. You have to actually get good, and then get way better than that to make an impression like you are different somehow. I'm lookin forward to a different environment to sharpen myself back to top shape, and then exceed that to get into recording mode. And I am not a fucking dork that thinks Star Wars is our Odyssey BUT I do feel like a Jedi that has been chilling for too long. I have only as much rust as is unavoidable with not doing comedy for months. but that rust will get shaken off soon and I’ll get sharp enough again to not have to think about what I'm doing because it's just what I do. I miss that.

I almost forgot what it's like to just hear jokes and not instantly pick apart everything about them. Almost. I actually never build up too much rust because you can't get my brain to not dedicate a lobe er two to jokes at all times. If any comedians are looking to me for some words of wisdom, first of all, I'm sorry you've landed here. Secondly: you don't have to do a million things, just whatever you do, do it better than anyone would expect. I'm a terrible multi-tasker juggler person. I am terrible at writing packets and auditioning for shit that doesn't seem like me. I have never had a meeting with industry and not dashed their hopes halfway through by revealing my true self. I have learned to focus on one thing, obsessively, until it is done and better than I hoped or others expected (hatin ass others). I wouldn't recommend that for everyone, but I found a process in that. You may be more of a sane, reasonable non-obsessive person that can handle 3 things on their plate. I have found I can't trust myself with a plate.

I don't claim to have some tried and true process. No one does. If they did, they'd be exactly where they want to be and would have nailed everything on the way. If that's you, well fuck you anyway. The only things I know work for sure are: Being funny. Sounds stupid and maybe it is, but you gotta be funny and know that you are and how. The other certainty is you have to write. Like literally, you have to have a time where you sit and write, or in my case pace and talk to myself, or maybe you journal every day. Whatever you do, you have to do it. You want fall into brilliance on accident. If you do, that means there was a lot more had you done a little digging. No one likes to hear this at all, so you know it's probably true. You aren't gonna be a great comedian on accident. Last certainty I will blab about: set a higher standard. Higher than what? I dunno, whatever standard there is around. My favorite feeling after a pretty much perfect set is just relief. Thank gawd I didn't fuck up anything bad and they laughed hard at everything. That's what is supposed to happen. I can't help it now, but after a great set I am more numb than anything for a while. Hours after even an incredible show, I'm pretty even keal. Then later that night I process everything and can't sleep worth a shit because I am too geeked. Comedy still does that to me. Now more than ever really. The first thing I do after a set is smoke a cigarette (sorry mom) and go over everything I just did and if no big mistakes jump out (and boy do they jump out) then I think about ways I missed out on something by making little mistakes people other than me wouldn't notice. Then I'll think about if the order I chose works best or worked enough. Tons of things to think about before considering the laughs you got on the things that should be bulletproof. That’s just jerking off, which is for later on when you are alone or at least no one can see you. 

Maybe I am just spinning myself into a rosy outlook, but I am looking forward to being in Atlanta a bit and annoying all the comics here with my uncontrollable comedy habits. I came up in Atlanta in a scene that, looking back, was an insane class to "graduate" from...Clayton English, Dave Stone, Shalewa Sharp, Noah Gardenswartz, Rob Haze, Caleb Synan, Mia Jackson...just to name a few off top. There are also monsters from my time that have moved away and back... All of us way back comics pushed each other and were honest af with each other. Never bitch about when you’re going up or who you’re following. Never too cool for school.  You just felt like an idiot doing Star Bar on Monday and having to follow Clayton English doin some shit you don't even care about. Now there are hella TV credits among all those names, but honestly when we got to know each other, no one had done shit. There was just clout that came with being really funny. I feel like that's the best way for a scene to be. Everyone can be super nice to everyone at their job or some shit. Comedy and your comedy peers should mean more than that. I'm not confrontational at all really, but if someone I know and like doesn't notice they are on some bullshit, or why something didn't go how they thought, I'm gonna tell them. If I don't know you or like you that much, I will already not care about or understand what yer doin anyway. It sounds lame and it probably is, but being in NYC for 9 years and swimming with monsters every night changes your standards and how you go about things. It's not like a NYC is the best thing, it's just it's the biggest scene in the world and most of the best stand up comics in the world live and work there. There's the most of everything from great to shitty. It's like grad school for stand up, not that I know about grad school really. But I am 70-80 years older than most of the young comics in Atlanta, and I really don't mind being the old man in the greenroom. The comics I've gotten to know and like a lot in the scene here really have no idea how annoying I can be. Forcing friends to play Joke Machine all the time. Asking why you do this or that in your set. Touching friends inappropriately while they sleep. My friends in NYC are used to it. Almost everyone doing comedy in Atlanta has started after I moved in 2011. It's now 10 years later, and while I actually look much better, it feels like when I lived here before and was obsessed with being better each set. 

I feel I have sufficiently talked myself into my plans. I’m gonna miss everyone in NYC but I have been missing y’all for a year already. Also, I will be back of course. If you are a comedian reading this, first off, why aren’t you GRINDING rn? Jk, but seriously I hope maybe you feel better about this shit or have developed your own pandemmy plan. I think I gotta put myself in a position to be happy somehow, and I hate my fuckin apartment and it’s gonna be winter until May in NYC like always and I will lose my fuckin mind trying to live there while my reason for living there is nul. Also, I need to do what I can to shorten the timeline of new album tracks getting into rotation cuz ya boi’s residuals need beefin up. I’ll write about how satellite radio is the only real money in stand up at another time.

[andysandfordcomedy]

Late Late Show Set

[andysandfordcomedy]

Words to Graduate By

I’ll be honest here. If I were to travel back in time and tell my younger self that I would one day be giving a commencement speech at the graduation ceremony of a prestigious university, I’d think I was nuts. Firstly, I’d have a hard time buying the whole time traveler story, even from my older self. I mean, why would I waste a trip in time just to tell me about a speech I had to give? Beyond all that tho, I am a high school dropout who makes an artist’s living from stand up comedy: the least respected of the fine arts. Who would hire me to inspire college graduates? Well, older, time-travelling me would know that I was not hired to write or give such a speech, but have taken it upon myself to publish the speech I would give, were a prestigious university to sac up and give your boy the opportunity. Younger me can go on believing he accrues some sort of clout in academia in his mid 30′s. Why take that away from me/him?! My mom would be very happy if this were the case, and it doesn’t hurt anyone, so not a word of this to my mother, please.

Anyway, I’m not here to plead for my mother’s piece of mind, or defend my frivolous use of time travel. I am here to disseminate words of wisdom and warning to the young hearts and minds who are about to make their mark on the absolute shit show that they have inherited from the multitude of prior, fucked up generations. The dumbasses who hamfistedly paved the way so that their future trustees (y’all) could go fuck yourselves. The future is in the hands of all you young, goofy mother fuckers now. The garbage humans before you have made their mess, and now get to be the burden for all youse left in charge of this impossible nightmare dystopia. I implore all of you to nurture not your bitterness. Sure, it would be easy to complain about the state of global affairs and the dying planet in which they fester. YES, you face great adversity, but hop off the goddam cross for a sec. We all know that such adversity makes you stronger, unless of course it just crushes you. You are welcome for that. True greatness shows itself in tumultuous times. That’s something I have read somewhere I believe, or maybe I made it up, but it sounds right, right?! The point is: don’t let your depressing circumstance bring you down. Remember that you can always off yourself if the pain is too much. I’m saying, last resort *obviously*, but it IS an option, so take comfort in that. 

Don’t be afraid to take chances. Lord knows your parents and grandparents rolled the dice like there was no tomorrow. Of course, there was a tomorrow and it is today, but your tomorrow is definitely a goner. Big bummer, I know, but belly aching won’t bring about a habitable planet for your kids to also be ungrateful for. The truth is, fossil fuels are kind of the shit, and we never considered the potential harm in our “smoke em if you got em” approach to nonrenewable resources. Oopsy! It’s not your fault that we had coal power everything for a couple hundred years, but that’s what happened and you don’t get to cry about it now. The shit is gone, kids. Go find your own fossil fuel to burn up: make your OWN WAY. 

Pull yourselves up by your bootstraps and make shit happen, just like no one before you. Get yourself a job or three to pay off the education you were told would give you a leg up. Yes, you are an indentured servant that is being charged interest for the means to a whiff of a piece of the pie, but tuition is outrageous and you weren’t patient enough to save up the few 100 grand it would have taken for you to avoid being in anyone’s pocket. Look at Rodney Dangerfield in “Back to School.” He made millions FIRST and went to college in his 60′s. That was a movie, but anything is possible if you aren’t the one who has to do it, I think.

This speech has really gone off the rails, and I hope to leave you on a positive note, so let’s see if I can pull such a sentiment out of my ass. Life is what you make it, and you gotta make it from the rubble of your ancestors’ mistakes. Yikes. Who would wanna bring a child into this world? I think you guys should just party like Van Halen (David Lee Roth Van Halen) and make the world your hotel suite. Chuck a tv out the window! Nuke the people farthest away from you! Set up an Etsy account offering handmade crafts to consumers, but ship them all big turds in adorable gift bags. 

 It is a gift to know that your lives matter very little. The pressure is off. Your entire generation is on a runaway train to Fucksville, and morality is out the window. Seize this gift of inconsequential existence and give it a furious handjob. The future is NOW because there ain’t nuthin after this. God bless you, you poor bastards, and God bless the United States of America. I’ll be performing at the Melbourne, FL Yuk-em-ups June 11-14. Promo code: SandFART for half off tix. See you in hell, losers! 

[andysandfordcomedy]

You can now buy my hour special on YouTube for a bargain. So, ya know, why not just get it?

[andysandfordcomedy]

still available for cheap

[andysandfordcomedy]

Southern Rejuvenation

(Wonder Comedy, ATL)

I got back yesterday from a 2 week jaunt down south slam packed with great shows. Imho, doing shows town to town for crowds of people who aren’t there by accident, and in indy venues that allow you to set the tone of the room...that’s the purest comedy freebase there is. Yer not some guy that’s comin through the Giggle Emporium that weekend, your name is what they’re coming to see and it’s on you to bring that professionalism & value to your name for it to mean anything. It’s a much more intimate experience and the best way to build an actual following. Really it’s the realest a comedy show can be, and it makes you the most on top of your game. 

(Star Bar, ATL)

 I was so impressed with scenes all around the south that are diligent with a DIY approach to producing comedy shows that show people just how good they can be. The clubs either play ball and help grow the scene (ie Zanies Nashville), or get left in the dust trying to govern the whole scene (Comedy Catch in ‘Nooga) . I’m very proud of my hometown of ATL and the comics there making shit happen. I love all the youngins who’re stoked on comedy for the right reasons. I love seeing the big fish set a high bar for the scene itself, just like when I was there with the group of monsters I came up with.

(Highland Inn Ballroom, ATL)

 I’ve been doin this for about a dozen years and I have to say that it only gets better/more fun to do. I know it’s sorta cool to be embarrassed that you do comedy, and like you’re so over it or something; but I feel quite the opposite and I feel sorry for ya if ya only get so much out of it. Don’t ever be embarrassed to nerd out with other comics, or revel in a great show. Let the jaded get faded. Get better than anyone would expect of you, and save the networky talk for general meetings/yer mom. That’s what makes the southern killers in comedy stick out, aside from noticeable chops: setting a higher bar, and then setting another. 

(JJ’s Bohemia, Chattanooga)

 Big thanks to the scenes and Fandy’s of Chattanooga, Huntsville, Nashville, Memphis, and ATL. I love to see the endless hustle that goes without saying among the comics that set the bar down there. It ain’t an accident that my ATLien-NYC transplant fam are all funnier than the comics from your home scene 😎

(Epic Comedy Hour, Huntsville)

[andysandfordcomedy]

Doin shows down south this month. Y’all come out

[andysandfordcomedy]

You can now buy my hour special on YouTube for a bargain. So, ya know, why not just get it?